Chicago Tribune

Why I declared war on Christmas

Just so there's no misunderstanding: Yes, I have declared war on Christmas. That's right: You know how the president and others have mentioned a War on Christmas? I'm that guy! The warmonger they're talking about! I declared war on Christmas, and the war is going well, thank you.

Soon, the side of every Starbucks cup will read: "Happy Nondenominational Celebration! Give to the World Wildlife Fund!" And I won't stop there. You know how Christmas is becoming so obscure and you never hear anyone say "Christmas" anymore and we are in danger of not realizing Christmas is coming until it's Labor Day? That's me too! The pundits are right: I am undermining Christmas' shaky foothold on America.

I plot in secret, at a

You’re reading a preview, subscribe to read more.

More from Chicago Tribune

Chicago Tribune10 min readAmerican Government
On Election Day, Progressive Candidates And Causes Are At The Center Of Illinois' Democratic Primary Ballot
CHICAGO — With the presidential nominations of Democratic incumbent Joe Biden and Republican challenger Donald Trump already assured, the focus of Tuesday’s primary election in Illinois moves to down-ballot contests that could represent a defining mo
Chicago Tribune4 min read
Editorial: First-time Voters Must Be Left Alone To Make Their Choice. Even By Their Teachers
When it sees today’s high school seniors, the union representing Chicago Public Schools teachers doesn’t just see young minds needing nurturing; it sees voters for its pet causes. The Chicago Teachers Union, an ardent supporter of both Mayor Brandon
Chicago Tribune4 min read
‘Nolly’ Review: On Masterpiece, Helena Bonham Carter Plays A Soap Star Who’s Been Sacked
A longtime British soap star until she was unceremoniously sacked in 1981, Noele “Nolly” Gordon was the kind of larger-than-life figure who is common — essential, even — to show business. A bit ridiculous, a bit imperious, but also so much fun. The f

Related