ESPN The Magazine

The Unwritten Rules of Baseball—Written!

Baseball is a game of rules—3 million, to be exact—but because players are the kinds of dorks who love yet more rules, there’s a list of unwritten laws dictating on-field decorum that has for generations made sure no one has any fun. Here they are, recorded for the very first time.

Don’t hit a home run if the opposing team has already hit a home run. Find your own thing.

If a pitcher hits a batter with a pitch, he has asserted his dominance and is now the father of the batter’s children.

Never under any circumstances ask the

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