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    With or Without You: A Memoir
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    With or Without You: A Memoir
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    With or Without You: A Memoir
    Audiobook7 hours

    With or Without You: A Memoir

    Written by Domenica Ruta

    Narrated by Domenica Ruta

    4/5

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    Currently unavailable

    Currently unavailable

    About this audiobook

    A haunting, unforgettable mother-daughter story for a new generation-the debut of a blazing new lyrical voice

    Domenica Ruta grew up in a working-class, unforgiving Italian town north of Boston where in the seventeenth century women were hanged as witches. Her mother, Kathi, a notorious figure in this hardscrabble place, was a drug addict and sometime dealer whose life swung between welfare and riches, whose highbrow taste was at odds with her base appetites. And yet she managed, despite the chaos she created, to instill in her daughter the idea that art-via a classic film or a classical education-could transcend this life of undying grudges, self-inflicted misfortune, and the crooked moral code that Kathi and her cohorts lived by.

    With or Without You is the story of Domenica's unconventional coming of age-a darkly hilarious chronicle of a misfit '90s childhood and the necessary and painful act of breaking away, and of overcoming her own addictions and demons in the process. In a brilliant stylistic feat, Domenica Ruta has written a powerful, inspiring, compulsively readable, and finally redemptive story about loving and leaving.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPenguin Random House Audio
    Release dateFeb 26, 2013
    ISBN9780385360968
    Unavailable
    With or Without You: A Memoir
    Author

    Domenica Ruta

    Domenica Ruta is the author of the New York Times bestseller With or Without You, a memoir about growing up with a heroin-addicted solo mom. Her forthcoming book, The Last Day, a novel, was written in a postpartum fugue state as a new solo mom to her son. She lives in New York City.

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    Reviews for With or Without You

    4/5

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    • 4/5
      For anyone who enjoys midlife or recovery memoirs, "With or Without You" will cover some pretty familiar ground. It features unstable living situations, irresponsible behavior, and a young person's slow but inevitable realization that others may not consider their home life typical. However, the book also goes to a few places that these sorts of books don't go to, most obviously Phillips Andover, but also deep inside the relationship the author had with her mother, who rivals "Mommie Dearest" Joan Crawford in her sheer emotional cruelty and Amy Winehouse in her enthusiasm for mind-altering substances. Predictably, as she's referred to directly in the title, the author's mother casts a long shadow over both this book and the author's life. Kathi -- yes! It's spelt with a "i"! -- comes off as an astonishingly vain, chaotic, and destructive personality. Like the author, she seems to have had an eye for telling social differences -- she's something of a stage mom without the stage, always on the lookout for what might help her to climb her region's social ladder, and to use a terrible neologism, she's also a sort of malevolent helicopter parent who keeps her daughter on a painfully short emotional leash. But, perversely enough, she also lends this book a lot of its energy. In "With or Without You," she often seems like an uncanny embodiment of the constant, exhausting struggle to survive at the lower end of the income scale in lots of less-than-glamorous New England towns. She lacks neither energy nor initiative -- at one point she turns a failing taxi stand into a million-dollar business -- but most of her energy's directed toward getting high, filling her house with random objects, and carrying on a messy and ultimately mercenary social life. The reader comes away from "With or Without You" with the idea that being raised on the wrong side of Danvers was, for the author, defined by fever-pitch emotional intensity and near-constant disorder. Perhaps readers shouldn't expect a completely unbiased portrait of any author's mother, but the fact that Domenica Ruta can describe her upbringing's emotional tone and often outlandish particulars more-or-less impersonally is really a credit to her skill as a writer. She made it out of her grisly childhood with something like a coherent narrative, and considering what we're told in this book, that's no mean feat. The author, of course, faces the same challenges than most of her family did, and some that seem unique to her: how do you mature when nobody bothered to raise you? How do you get clean when your mother not only accepted but facilitated to most of your substance abuse experiences? At the same time, when you come from the wrong side of the tracks but have the sheer intellectual ability to drink and snort your way through a prestigious prep school and two liberal arts colleges, where does that leave you in terms of class? And in a sense, "With or Without You" is very much about class as it's currently thought about in America -- what it means to get ahead or fall behind in the twenty-first century. The author seems to have experienced both extremes in her comparatively short lifetime. She saves herself using a well-known grassroots twelve-step program, and people in the recovery community who dislike that approach may not love that section of this book. But as a reader and as a person, I can't remember the last time I was so glad to see a main character survive a narrative. You get a sense, at the end of this one, that she's found answers to questions that weren't put to most of the people she went to school with. And that's commendable in and of itself.
    • 3/5
      so, i think there's a fine line to the art of a good memoir. especially from a writer who is not very well-known. on one side: a writer who has had experiences that suck and emerges triumphant (or some reasonable facsimile thereof). on the other side: a story drive by ego. rather than just having to get a story out of them, an ego-driven memoir is almost glad in it's 'look how awful this was for me'. 'i win at worst life ever.' and that's tough to read. there's actually a moment in the book when, while working on her MFA and out drinking with classmates, they compete over worst life ever. ruta notes: who wants to win that game? no one. but she kinda does. it wasn't until the very last page that my decision on how i felt about this story settled over me. i didn't like it. but that's more a stylistic issue and totally not a reflection on the sucktastic life ruta had. what redeemed the story - her admission of egotism. i was glad it was there.it's a tough and sad story, to be sure, but i couldn't get into a good rhythm with the read. it's jumpy. the flow is off-putting but i am aware this could be the point given the subject matter. but i recently read Drunk Mom A Memoir by Jowita Bydlowska - it's a far superior memoir. i was completely absorbed and engaged in her story. With or Without You just didn't pull me in in the same way and while the book ended up being 'fine', it wasn't impactful in any meaningful way. i have huge empathy for Ruta and thank Darwin she is so damn smart (taught herself russian cryllic in grade four? hello!!). her smarts gave her school opportunities that got her out of her wretched home environments. but at the end, i was left wondering what was the point of the book? there's so many books flooding the 'misery lit' nonfiction market. each tale worse than the one before it. but to me, there still needs to be a purpose beyond 'i survived'. (which is a totally huge deal - please don't get me wrong. i realize that.) it's just that another tale of 'i survived' makes it no more distinct than any other book in this genre.
    • 5/5
      thank you library thing! A most excellent 5 star readOMG…. This book blew me right out of the water. It touched a little close to home as well.This is a brilliant mother daughter memoir, one of the best I have ever read, do yourself a favor and go out today and pick up This book!As one reviewer put it “Freakishly brilliant, brilliantly freakish” This is the heartbreaking story of Domenica (Nikki) and her mother Kathi as they careen Through life in the 90’s trying to find purchase somewhere. Kathi is a sometime drug dealer who is addicted to drugs, alcohol, damaged men and hard times. Nikki is right behind her sharing her mothers drugs when offered or even worse pushed on her. They live in a crusty house filled with trash inside and out in Boston. Kathi goes through men and jobs, Nikki goes though schools and friends. Both trying to find their way.This book is filled with damaged love…a mother on a course of self destruction who tries to save and destroy her daughter all in the same day. Mother & daughter are extremely close in a not right kind of way. Kathi does try to instill in young Nikki that life sucks but, if you look real close and try really hard you might get lucky and see something beautiful out of all the ugliness.Nikki learns later in life that to truly love her mother she must let her go and forgive.Domenica is a truly gifted writer and I look forward to her next book.
    • 5/5
      Really loved this book. I didn't want it to end. The writer is also the narrator which made it even better.
    • 4/5
      "I will not become my mother." These were famous last words from Domenica (Nikki) Ruta. It was touch and go for a while.Nikki's mom, Kathi, was a drug addict who wanted her daughter to have more than she did. This book is not only about Nikki's fight to try and find a "normal" life, but it is also a story of Kathi who truly loves her daughter and will fight tooth and nail to find the money to put her daughter in a private school and then on to college.See my complete review at The Eclectic Review
    • 4/5
      Cocaine-fueled rages, scathing insults, and drunken oversharing aren’t what a daughter hopes for in her relationship with her mother, but Domenica Ruta relates many of these un-tender moments, along with the occasional affectionate gesture from her mother in her memoir, With or Without You. It's a good memoir of addiction and family dysfunction to recommend to readers who liked The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls or Parched by Heather King.Full review on Bay State Reader's Advisory blog.
    • 3/5
      A memoir about a dysfunctional family, addition and uncertainty. The book was good, but not in the class of some other autobiographic books such as The Glass Castle.
    • 4/5
      She lived the next town over from me so I was interested in reading it but ended up feeling like so much of her story was my story.
    • 5/5
      It must have been heart wrenching for Domenica Ruta to write this memoir. It obviously comes from a place deep in her heart and soul. An excellent read. By the end of the book, you have to respect the author for her truthfulness and admire her courage.
    • 3/5
      It never ceases to amaze me how many crazy people are out there and the children who can survive the craziness! This is an interesting tale of such craziness. Kudos to the author for overcoming her childhood.
    • 4/5
      A young girl whose mother was an unwed drug addict grew up in Danvers, MA eventually getting into Phillips Academy boarding school before dealing with addiction herself.
    • 1/5
      This was not what I expected. I had a difficult time getting into the book. In fact, I couldn't even finish the book. I will pick it back up and give it a second (really a third) try. I received this book as part of the LibraryThing Early Reviewer program.
    • 4/5
      Really enjoyed this book. Well written and kept me turning pages late into the night. The only thing kept me form a 5 star is the flow got confusing at times. Especially towards the end things took on a more frantic pace and became less defined. Excellent book though. Very gripping.
    • 2/5
      The writing is good but the story seemed like the same thing over and over. Mother addicted, father never says he loves her, dysfunctional household, etc.
    • 4/5
      Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for the chance to read and review "With or Without You". This was an excellent memoir of a girl growing up with an addicted mother. I think she did a great job of showing the multiple sides of her mother and how this illness effects the mother/child relationship. I was blessed with a healthy, happy childhood, but this book helped me to see what it's like to grow up without either of those. Nikki, the daughter, does an excellent job of telling her story and giving you a look into what her life was like. She holds things together for such a long time, but inevitably her mother's life drags her down, and it becomes more about her fight back to regain her own life. This was a difficult book to read at times, but in spite of that, it was very worth it. Although there is little redemption in this story, we see reality and understand the hold that addictions can have over people. I found it to be an absorbing book, well worth reading. I recommend it to anyone who has been there or wants to know more about this illness. I wish Nikki continued success and most of all happiness in her life.
    • 4/5
      "There are some things we have to forget about to get through the day."
    • 4/5
      I love to read memoirs. Famous people, “normal” people, dysfunctional families, all of it. But I admit that I usually have at least heard of the person writing the memoir. With or Without You proves that's not a requirement for me. I had never heard of Domenica Ruta before reading the blurbs about this book. Doesn't matter – I'm in her corner now.Life is going to be tough when your mother is your best drug dealer, when she doesn't admit that you have been molested because she owes money to the molester, when she loves you in her own way but that way is very selfish and demanding.So it is almost inevitable that you fall down the rabbit hole too. Ms. Ruta, after many missteps, has managed to climb out.Her description of “lonesome” is the best I've ever read. In part, she says:It was a shadow sewn to the soles of my feet that followed me everywhere I went, something as inexorable, dark, and magical as death, The whole world could be contained in that single word, and for me, right then, that was enough.Her description of working with dementia patients, work she loved and that was not socially acceptable among her peers, is touching. We should all have someone so deeply kind, despite whatever shortcomings, to care for us.Nor surprisingly, bad language abounds in this book and will be offensive to some. But that shouldn't scare most of us away from a remarkable, but probably all too common, story. Well written, dark, ultimately hopeful, this is an engaging memoir. I wish Ms. Ruta good things in her life.I was given a copy of the book by the publisher for review.
    • 5/5
      Domenica Ruta grew up poor, in an Italian blue collar area near Boston. The area had the frightening history of involvement during the Salem Witch Trials. It was difficult then, and remained difficult in Domenica’s time.Domenica’s mother was a drug addict and dealer, whose life rose and fell with her addictions. Yet, she remained true to her daughter, giving her a love and respect for art, in all its forms.This memoir is of a young woman coming of age during a time of changes in her world, and the world at large. It chronicles her relationship with her mother, and breaking away from her learned behaviours to find herself. This is a very powerfulbook of strength, bravery, and love.
    • 4/5
      Domenica grew up with a drug addled addicted mother who didn't really know how to show love and affection. This is a coming-of-age story, detailing Domenica's fall into drugs and her struggle to become sober.I thought this was a fascinating story. It was well written, well paced and interesting to read. I wanted more from the ending, perhaps a sequel is in order. On a side note, the description mentioned that her mother instilled in her a sense of art, but I didn't really get this through the story. I'm not sure where that comes into play. Overall, highly recommended.
    • 5/5
      This book was an absolute pleasure to read even thought the topic is extremely painful. Domenica Ruta has overcome the textbook definition of poor parenting in her mother to not only survive but to right herself and write a beautifully done memoir but to more importantly manage to overcome her demons and become what seems to me a wonderful person. Mom tried everything in her booze and drug addled brain to bring Ms. Ruta down but like a phoenix she has emerged from the ashes of her youth. You really must read this book. It gives hope to all those children that suffer in dysfunctional homes.
    • 4/5
      Memoirs about people growing up in tough family situations are abundant. I just reviewed Jeanette Winterson's poetic Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal?, and Jeanette Walls' The Glass Castle is a book I reviewed and recommended to many people over the past few years.Domenica Ruta's With Or Without You is a searing, honest look at her life growing up with a mother who was an alcoholic and drug addict, and wanted her daughter to have the same life. Her mother kept Domenica home from school to watch classic movies; she felt this was a better education for her daughter.The book opens with the mother, Kathleen, taking her young daughter along while she bashed in the windshield of romantic rival's car. The destruction she placed upon that woman's car is a metaphor for the destruction she would wreak upon her daughter's life.Like Winsterson, literature and books became a savior for Domenica."Reading seemed to be a skill I'd somehow picked up on my own. In an extended family where people stumbled- and stumbled proudly- over three-syllable words, such a drooling little fiend for literature was endearing to no one. (It should be noted that even the most illiterate of my clan knew their way around a food stamp application, a subpoena, and a workman's compensation claim. We were nothing if not adroit at manipulating the system.)"As she grew up, her mother did her best to lure Domenica into her drug-addicted lifestyle. Domenica did her best to avoid it, but eventually she succumbed. She believed that going to college and getting away from her mother would save her. If only her mother didn't send care packages of drugs to college with her.Domenica writes honestly of her struggles with alcohol, drugs and her inability to have a romantic relationship. She runs away to Texas believing that only distance from her mother can save her. But her mother calls constantly, begging for money, pushing the guilt, harassing her daughter until the only thing Domenica can do is cut off all ties to her mother.I particularly enjoyed the chapter where she worked as a recreation aide in a nursing home. She felt comfortable with those people, more at home with them than with her younger friends. She writes lovingly of a man named Saul who has lost his wife of sixty years, who became her compatriot.With Or Without You will hit home with anyone who has had addiction issues or lived with anyone with addiction issues. Domenica Ruta writes with a clear-eyed honesty, which is remarkable considering how drunk and drugged up she was at times. Her decision to cut ties with the woman who gave her life and raised her probably saved her life, but is heartbreaking for her nonetheless. We don't know at the end whether Domenica will make it, but her journey is unforgettable.
    • 4/5
      It is amazing what a person and go through and survive. I found this book fascinating, sometimes I laughed, sometimes I cried and sometimes I just wanted to shake the author. I am quite impressed that she made it to adulthood. I found the book well written, but sometimes a little disjointed as the author shared antidotes from her youth. I felt the author rushed the book to conclusion. Once she disowned her mother and began down the road to recovery, the details of both her life and her mothers life seemed skimmed over.Overall I found this an amazing study of the survival of the human spirit and I highly recommend it.
    • 5/5
      Domenica Ruta’s gripping memoir of growing up as an only child in a rat infested house with a talented but dysfunctional mother doesn’t have a triumphant happy-ever-after finish, but it’s haunting doing-okay-one-day-at-a-time ending has its own kind of power and feels more real. Tolstoy writes that unhappy families are all different, and Ruta has painted a convincing and compelling picture of her family’s particular problems and her struggle to rise above them. In part her story is so engrossing because it is nuanced by contradictions. Ruta grew up in could have been an idyllic setting by a river, but the water was so polluted with human and industrial waste that it was a health hazard. Her extended family is loving but distracted, allowing an uncle to abuse Ruta, but even that act is complicated by the fact that he really seems smitten with her. Ruta’s mother was popular in younger days but is now an addict who shows her love by sharing oxycontin pills with her daughter. She sticks with jobs just long enough to earn the money to support any and all of Ruta’s interests, even managing to send her to a private school and then college, but begs Ruta to have an out of wedlock baby she can take care of. Eventually Ruta’s mother becomes a successful entrepreneur with enough money to call herself a millionaire, but her lack of judgement causes her to lose it all. Ruta was a good student, and early on developed the talent for writing that makes this poignant book a joy to read, but like her mother she eventually gets caught in the trap of addiction. I carried With or Without You with me everywhere while I was in the midst of it, reading it every chance I got.
    • 4/5
      4 StarsLiving with an alcoholic drug addict.Domenica Ruta's memoir about growing up in Danves Massachusetts, with her alcoholic, druggie mother, was an eye opening read. Often I felt that the young Domenica (Nikki) was caring for her mother rather than the other way around. Even as a youngster, Nikki was encouraged to drink alcohol and ingest Oxycontin and as a teenager, her mother was recommending pregnancy for her young daughter.Nikki was intelligent enough to realise that her only escape would be through education and she earned herself the scholarships that enabled her to attend good schools and obtain a degree. Her childhood never left her however, as she became more and more ensnared by alcohol. For ten years she lived in government housing, struggling through her days in an alcoholic stupor. Eventually she found a group of recovering alcoholics and a fair portion of the book describes the depression that she fought as a by product of recovery.Meanwhile Niiki's mother was calling her daughter incessantly, ranting and raving down the phone, until the only recourse left was to break all ties and have no contact at all. This was a powerful love/hate relationship, even thousands of miles apart, Nikki was drawn to her disfunctional parent.It is a tragic tale which left me wondering how people like Nikki's mother were even allowed to raise children in the first place. One would hope that these days the children would be rescued but I'm sure there are still some who slip through the net.This book reminded me of Unravelling Anne by Laurel Saville (3.5 stars).
    • 4/5
      (Review published on my blog, The Reader's Commute)I've been a huge fan of memoir since I took a class during my junior year at Purchase. I was especially excited to read Ruta's memoir because both Amy Bloom and Kathryn Harrison praised it. I especially love what Harrison said about it:"With or Without You is that rare thing, a story you think you know transformed into one you have to read to the end."I certainly agree with Kathryn Harrison's statement. With or Without You is certainly a story that I thought I knew, and it did transform as it progressed. There were moments while reading it, however, where I wasn't sure I had to read until the end. But let me explain myself. I adored reading about Ruta's childhood in a home that was strange and unbelievable and sad. Ruta's description of her mother, Kathi, showcases an intense level of emotion. Kathi becomes more than just a character on the page - she leaps out at you, screaming; she's a force to be reckoned with. There is a passage where Ruta, known in this book as Nikki, stares at her mother, dead asleep. She wants so desperately to be near her, but she seems to be repulsed by her, too. I felt this desperation and this attraction throughout the book. It really stuck with me.On a lesser level, Nikki discusses her relationship (and her mother's relationship) with her father, Zeke. She struggles with being the baby that tore apart her parents' relationship. She hears the dramatic stories about the almost-abortions and the fights. I found Zeke less convincing as a "real-life" figure; I didn't really understand his personality. In one moment, he is an ex-pretty boy who gets everything he wants; in another moment he is a father who is cold towards his children and buries himself in fixer-upper projects. Towards the end of the memoir, when Nikki reunites with her father, it was hard for me to recognize him at all.Kathi is the real star here. I could read an entire book about her. I really hoped that With or Without You would be just that. And yes, while Nikki's toxic relationship with her mother is at the heart of this memoir, she also moves past it to detail her life when she finally leaves her mother. She writes about her intense struggle with alcohol and her inability to form healthy relationships. She writes about surviving. These are all topics that I wanted to invest myself in, but as I was reading I could only focus on the mother-daughter relationship. With so much overwhelming material, it was all I felt capable of dealing with. I almost didn't want to finish reading. But I did finish reading, and I'm so glad that I did. When I meditated on it for a bit, I was in awe of Ruta's struggle, and her ability to take that struggle and put it into words. Her prose is beautiful and layered, and there are many passages that I marked to reread. While there were some chapters that seemed out of place to me (a chapter about family dogs, entitled "The Lady with the Little Dog," was too close to the end in my opinion, adding a weight that I found confusing), I generally appreciated how Ruta chose to break up her memoir. I certainly look forward to reading more from her.
    • 3/5
      Domenica has an interesting story to tell, but this book falls flat. Towards the end of the book, Nikki writes, "In sobriety, memories return slowly and in the wrong order". Nikki's stories come as a stream of conscience. She often gets ahead of herself. There's no structure or timeline. She'll go from talking about college to post college to elementary school and then back to high school.This memoir could be incredible, but a lack of editing and guidance really holds it back.Note: I received this book as an ARC from Shelf Awareness and the publisher.
    • 3/5
      This book held my interest but seemed like so many books that I have read previously. I hesitate to say this because theauthor is writing a memoir. Her childhood was tremendously chaotic - an addicted mother and a father who is neglectful and hasn't grown up himself. Ruta's grandmother served as her sometime refuge and I enjoyed her eccentricity. In spite of the craziness of her home, Ruta manages to show us the humor behind the chaos. Ruta herself ends up addicted and must sever relationships with her mother in order to save herself and find a future. I greatly admired her decision to cut off all contact with her mother - this allowed her to break the cycle of addiction and find a future.With or Without You is a courageous account of survival and hope.
    • 3/5
      With You or Without You is a memoir in the tradition of Running with Scissors or The Glass Castle: dysfunctional families, child forced to take on adult responsibilities, substance abuse, sexual abuse, etc. Domenica Ruta's writing style, coupled with her troubling content, draws the reader in like a magnet. Yet for me, something was missing from this story. I think it was simple Hope. As I neared the middle of the book, and then the 3/4 point, I kept looking anxiously at the number of pages left and kept wondering when the epiphany would occur. When would Ruta realize her self-worth and acknowledge a dream for a future for herself? When would her mother or other relatives begin to show some redeeming qualities? By the final pages, she did recognize a personal goal of "progress, not perfection," (I like that phrase!) but in the end, it wasn't quite enough for me. I'm not one who prefers books to have happy endings with all loose ends tied up neatly, but this memoir dragged me down and failed to bring me back up again. I understand it is not a novel; it may be the story of her life, but it was just too depressing for me.
    • 4/5
      With or Without You: Memoir by Dominica Ruta Dominica (Nikki) Ruta was a child in the 1980s. Her parents didn't marry, but she knew them both well since they lived in the relatively small community of Danvers, MA. The title of the book, "With or Without You" comes from the song by the group U2 which was popular at the time and a favorite of Nikki and her mother, Kathi. Kathi was a drug addict who managed to live on the fringe - at one time amassing $1 million and just as quickly losing it. Nikki's childhood was anything but normal. Nonetheless, she got into a prep school on scholarships and then into Oberlin College. Nikki also had a severe drug and alcohol problem. This is an interesting memoir, but memoirs written by ex-addicts are somewhat suspect in that one cannot be sure that there is a reliable narrator. When Nikki describes various incidences in her childhood and during her school years, it's hard to know how much she really was able to remember since she was frequently high on one form of drug or another as well as drinking excessively. That being said, the book does give a fascinating glimpse into the lives of Nikki and her mother.
    • 2/5
      How do you review a so-so book without negating the authors' experiences?I could not connect with this book. I do not know if it is the writing style, the obtuseness or je ne sais quoi. Ruta had an unusual upbringing and has survived to become a functioning adult through her ability to finally say "enough is enough." Usually I can not put down memiors - this one I could. Curiosity drove me to finish the book.