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    You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
    You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
    You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
    Audiobook3 hours

    You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

    Written by Celia Rivenbark

    Narrated by Celia Rivenbark

    3.5/5

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    About this audiobook

    From the author of the bestselling classics We're Just Like You, Only Prettier, and Bless Your Heart, Tramp, comes a collection of essays so funny, you'll shoot co'cola out of your nose. Topics include such gems as:

    • Why Miss North Carolina is too nice to hate

    • How Gwyneth Paltrow wants to improve your pathetic life

    • Strapped for cash? Try cat whispering

    • Sex every night for a year? How do you wrap that?

    • Get yer Wassail on: It's carolin' time

    • Airlines serving up one hot mess

    • Action figure Jesus

    • Why Clay Aiken ain't marrying your glandular daughter

    • And much more!

    You Can't Drink All Day if You Don't Start in the Mornin' is sure to appeal to anyone who lives south of something.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMacmillan Audio
    Release dateSep 1, 2009
    ISBN9781427207814
    Author

    Celia Rivenbark

    Celia Rivenbark is the author of the award-winning bestsellers Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank; Bless Your Heart, Tramp; Belle Weather; and You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning. We’re Just Like You, Only Prettier won a Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance (SIBA) Book Award for nonfiction and was a finalist for the James Thurber Prize for American Humor. Born and raised in Duplin County, North Carolina, Rivenbark grew up in a small house “with a red barn out back that was populated by a couple of dozen lanky and unvaccinated cats.” She started out writing for her hometown paper. She writes a weekly, nationally syndicated humor column for the Myrtle Beach Sun News. She lives in Wilmington, North Carolina.

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    Reviews for You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning

    3.5/5

    57 ratings5 reviews

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    • 3/5
      Many of these essays had me laughing out lout.
    • 2/5
      This is not a book so much as a collection of columns - which is fine, but it definitely is a bit of a jolt, as the author sort of meanders in and out of subjects at an alarming rate.

      The other thing is, though I'm a Southern girl myself and some things certainly rang true, it's a bit crass at parts and a lot of the humor is based around current events. For instance, I have never seen, nor would ever want to, Kate and 8 or whatever that show is called. There is an entire column surrounding it. Honestly, the author hits her stride when she talks about some of the things common to a small town in the South - crazy old lady drivers who get away with it, every Southern child having at least one story about a snake eating a frog, and crazy preachers; the rest is somewhat more based around pop culture, so if you have no idea who Clay Aiken is, probably not your cup of (sweet) tea.

    • 1/5
      After I finished this book and headed to Goodreads, I considered writing a review to explain my one-star rating. In the end I decided that I need to because a) dammit, I wanted humor but was handed 242 pages of stale personality and b) I simply feel the need to justify a low rating when the average is higher.

      Note that before I requested this book from the library, I read the title and thought, Witty. I don’t judge books by their covers, but I often judge them by titles before I get around to reading the summaries. In essence, the title alone tickled my fancy because you have to admit: it’s not only a catchy phrase but it’s also pretty amusing, and I assumed the text in between the front and back covers would match. I was wrong.

      It’s been some time since I read a book that made me laugh out loud, and that is what I was hoping for (and expecting). So naturally I opened Rivenbark’s book with enthusiasm only to read the first few pages and feel… disappointed. Well that’s okay. Maybe it gets better after this point, I thought, which then became, No. Okay. Maybe it will pick up after this, then? But it didn’t, at least not for me and here’s why:

      Rivenbark presents a general characterization of the South that, I feel, detracts from her writing. Examples:

      Southern daughter guilt is the worst of all. We are raised to make sure everyone around us is comfortable, happy, included. I had failed miserably with this woman.

      Southern men are raised to be polite. At least most of them are.

      and

      And, yes, it says 'Dink' on his birth certificate. This is the South; pay attention.

      (Apologies, as there are probably better quotes to use as examples, but I don't particularly feel like scoping the book once more.)

      Rivenbark's talk of the South bordered between pride and, at times, a little something like, "Well, you know. This is the South, after all: home to rednecks, grammar degeneration, and food that'll make you plumper than a Thanksgiving turkey. We rock, but please excuse us." It felt too embellished with excessive exaggeration. Given that all regions have their own unique personalities and quirks, I think of people I know and have met who are from the South and are nothing like Rivenbark's depiction. The constant mentioning of it felt shoved in my face in just about every part of this book, as in, "No, this is not the North, West, or even the East--this is the motherfricking South, all right?"

      And just in case I didn't understand that the first five dozen times, there was plenty more of this throughout my read.

      Adding on, I have a behemoth-sized squabble over what some might consider small detail, and that's with Rivenbark's way of addressing not just the reader, but her family. Every time I spotted "duh-hubby" (which she sometimes shortens to just "Duh" or "hubby"), I thought my body would combust from an explosion of full-blown annoyance. For a short time I even wondered if his name actually was Duh until I read it's Scott. This annoyance, however, also erupted each time I read "the Princess," which is the name she often uses in reference to her daughter. No, I'm not a parent, so I can't partake in that affection and pride a mother may feel. I can understand it, though, but it didn't stop me from wishing my eyes could roll backward a full 360 degrees. The nickname alone sent bad shivers across my skin, and every time her daughter or husband were mentioned I found myself thinking, Oh no. Is this supposed to be funny? As for the manner in which readers are addressed: "hon" does not sit well with me, and the repetitious "y'all" grew on my nerves.

      There are two kinds of people in this world: those who drive convertibles and, well, the rest of y'all.

      That's right, hons. Thanks to a whopping birthday surprise from duh-hubby...

      Y'all, hons, and duh-hubby all together, which sums up a great distaste I have. It's as simple as that. Subjective, yes, but it's the truth. Even if these elements were removed, I would still find myself dissatisfied because what I read hardly touched my funny bone.

      I would look at reviews and ratings around the Internet and wonder what the hell I'm not getting. By the time I finally reached the last page, I felt glad it was over. This is not the emotion I like to have after I finish reading something. I want to be hit with What? You mean this is the last page? What am I going to do with my life now that it's over? and then I'll proceed to re-read my favorite parts and shove it in the face of everyone I know, because I want them to love as much as I love it. You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning was difficult to get through, but I'm one of those people who prefers to finish a book once I've dug into it. Besides, what good is a rating at all when I didn't finish the book?

      This isn't to say that I am entirely humorless and didn't find one part of this book entertaining. There are, in fact, several parts; albeit, there are fewer than I had hoped for and none managed to do mare than crack a small smile on my face. (Hence my disappointment.)

      Extreme mom jeans even come in odious pale blue washes and feature an elastic waist that tells the world: 'Why, as a matter of fact, my idea of a good time is dinner at the Cracker Barrel at four p.m. followed by a Murder, She Wrote marathon on TNT.'

      and

      Marathon runners squirt little packets of brown gel into their mouths every few miles to give themselves a burst of protein. I'll join them as soon as they can condense that to tiny little lasagna casseroles.

      are just a couple of examples.

      I can imagine anyone reading this who is a devout Celia Rivenbark fan, or merely just a fan of this book, feeling discontent with an urge to shake me by the shoulders and shout, "What a clearly inadequate taste in humor! How can you not find this funny?" I know, I have read the reviews of praise, but I am not meant for this book. It might find a spot in the hearts of other people, but Celia's humor and I do not seem to click.
    • 5/5
      I loved this book, and I'm sad that I didn't start reading Rivenbark's books sooner. I'm from the south, but my version of it is a little different than the author's, however I could still relate to everything she talked about. Even someone who isn't from the south will find her work hilarious. She's an outspoken, strong southern lady, and those are the best kind; especially to read about. She covers so many topics from parenting, to dumbo celebrities, to the horrors of realizing that you're aging, and she talks about them with so much wit and humor that it'll leave you laughing out loud. To top it off, almost every (if not all) chapter ends with a recipe that is relevent to what you just read. Not only do they all sound delicious, but they're really easy if you're not much of a cook.
    • 4/5
      If you like Southern Humor you have got to read Celia Rivenbark's books I really enjoyed this book, I listened to it (twice actually) on audio its read by the author. It is laugh out loud funny she has a way of telling a story that has commentary on life told in an irreverent funny way. I loved the chapter about faith based toys, and when she is talking about listening to Flo Rida and pronounces it Florida just to bug her daughter.Every chapter will make you laugh and you'll see people in your life or things in world from a different view.If you like humor and especially southern humor read this book and everything else this author has written!