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In the Shadow of the Banyan: A Novel
In the Shadow of the Banyan: A Novel
In the Shadow of the Banyan: A Novel
Audiobook13 hours

In the Shadow of the Banyan: A Novel

Written by Vaddey Ratner

Narrated by Greta Lee

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

4/5

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About this audiobook

A beautiful celebration of the power of hope, this New York Times bestselling novel tells the story of a girl who comes of age during the Cambodian genocide.

You are about to read an extraordinary story, a PEN Hemingway Award finalist “rich with history, mythology, folklore, language and emotion.” It will take you to the very depths of despair and show you unspeakable horrors. It will reveal a gorgeously rich culture struggling to survive through a furtive bow, a hidden ankle bracelet, fragments of remembered poetry. It will ensure that the world never forgets the atrocities committed by the Khmer Rouge regime in the Cambodian killing fields between 1975 and 1979, when an estimated two million people lost their lives. It will give you hope, and it will confirm the power of storytelling to lift us up and help us not only survive but transcend suffering, cruelty, and loss.

For seven-year-old Raami, the shattering end of childhood begins with the footsteps of her father returning home in the early dawn hours, bringing details of the civil war that has overwhelmed the streets of Phnom Penh, Cambodia’s capital. Soon the family’s world of carefully guarded royal privilege is swept up in the chaos of revolution and forced exodus. Over the next four years, as the Khmer Rouge attempts to strip the population of every shred of individual identity, Raami clings to the only remaining vestige of her childhood—the mythical legends and poems told to her by her father. In a climate of systematic violence where memory is sickness and justification for execution, Raami fights for her improbable survival. Displaying the author’s extraordinary gift for language, In the Shadow of the Banyan is a brilliantly wrought tale of human resilience.
LanguageEnglish
Release dateAug 7, 2012
ISBN9781442349872
Author

Vaddey Ratner

Vaddey Ratner is a survivor of the Khmer Rouge regime in Cambodia. Her critically acclaimed bestselling debut novel, In the Shadow of the Banyan, was a Finalist for the PEN/Hemingway Award and has been translated into seventeen languages. She is a summa cum laude graduate of Cornell University, where she specialized in Southeast Asian history and literature. Her most recent novel is Music of the Ghosts.

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Rating: 4.145328653979239 out of 5 stars
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  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    I remember with horror the news reports of the mid-to-late-1970s genocide in the killing fields of Cambodia. It's bad enough to catch a chilling snippet of insanity on the evening news and quite another to read a detailed account as told through the eyes of a child. Seven-year-old Raami is living in the paradise of a sheltered life in a luscious family compound in Phnom Penh when her world is turned upside down by the revolutionaries of the Khmer Rouge who turn them out into the streets and eventually out of the city. As they are relocated several times, Raami holds on to her poet father's words of hope in the midst of chaos and starvation: "No matter what ugliness and destruction you may witness around you, I want you always to believe that the tiniest glimpse of beauty here and there is a reflection of the gods' abode. It is real, Raami. There exists such a place, such sacred space. You have only to envision it, to dare to dream it. It is within you, within all of us." (72) The words and stories from her father sustain her as she loses her family members and becomes a skeleton-like robot working for the "organization" that promises a better life for all. This book is beyond sad especially knowing that the author experienced many of the atrocities she writes about. It is not a memoir per se but a fiction book based upon her memories. This account of historical fiction gives a look into the hearts of the Cambodian survivors as they are stripped of their possessions and means of livelihood, leaving only the stories of their families and memories of happier times. In all, approximately 25 per cent of the country's population died from executions and starvation. Shameful.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    “Light blinked across the inky surface. A cluster of fireflies, I thought. Always somewhere there was light, and, though transient, it flashed all the more brilliantly because of the surrounding dark.” — Vaddey Ratner, “In the Shadow of the Banyan”With that powerful image near the end of “In the Shadow of the Banyan” (2012), first-time novelist Vaddey Ratner suggests the hope within little Raami and her once-delicate mother that allows them to survive those years in which the Khmer Rouge destroy Cambodia in their mindless quest to create a perfect country.In her autobiographical novel, Ratner tells of an elite family in Phnom Penh as the rebels take over the country. Seven-year-old Raami's father is both a prince and a poet. Her family has always had servants to do their work. They are exactly the kind of people the Khmer Rouge wants to purge. She, her parents, little sister and the entire extended family are sent to a rural area and put to work, mostly in rice fields. Little Raami, although crippled by polio, must work, as well. Despite promises by "the organization," the provided food is woefully inadequate. Raami eats insects when she can catch them.Gradually the family is separated. She will never learn what happens to her father. Some people are killed. Others die from hunger or disease. Those with the guns, most of them little more than children, don't seem to care.For all its terror and suffering, this is a beautiful novel full of beautiful language, beautiful metaphors and beautiful ideas. It took Ratner half a lifetime to write this story of her early life, most of it true. She must have despaired of ever getting it all down on paper. Yet hope stayed alive, a light in the darkness.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    In the Shadow of the Banyan by Vaddey Ratner is a heartrending story of the adversity faced by one young Cambodian girl during the rule of the Khmer Rouge. The author, having lived through these same extraordinarily brutal times in Phnom Penh, writes in artful prose a novel that transports readers to a time in the life of the young girl, Raami, who endures more brutality, violence, persecution and despair in 4 years than most people could imagine over a lifetime. While these horrific life experiences are masterfully illustrated by Ratner, the novel pulls from such terrifying realities something that overcomes the evils committed by the Khmer Rouge – the inspiration Raami draws from those who have left indelible, positive prints on her memories. Most importantly, Raami finds perseverance by her recollections of her father’s poetry, a mechanism by which she is able to cope with the atrocities she has witnessed and lived through. Brilliantly crafted, In the Shadow of the Banyan is a must read for those readers interested in learning of the extremely violent times in Cambodia in the 1970s, but with that knowledge and understanding, readers should be forewarned that humanity can be, and was in these times, graphically brutal, making some passages very difficult to read. While In the Shadow of the Banyan was difficult at times, I am deeply grateful for being given the opportunity to read Ratner’s book and believe In the Shadow of the Banyan would make for an excellent, albeit difficult, discussion group pick.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Moving and tragic story of Raami, a seven-year-old girl, and her family, as they, along with the rest of the population, are forced by the Khmer Rouge to evacuate Phnom Penh. They are relocated a number of times, and endure violence, oppression, physical deprivations, mental anguish, separation, and deaths of loved ones. In the Shadow of the Banyan is based on the author’s experience as a small child in Cambodia. She wrote it to honor the lives of the estimated two million people, including some of her family members, who suffered and died in the Cambodian genocide of 1975-1979.

    Ratner shows the brutality of the Khmer Rouge regime, referred to as the “Organization,” but at the same time points out the small bits of beauty that remain in the wake of destruction. The author adds fragments of poetry, Cambodian folk tales and legends, and examples of human kindness. These seem particularly appropriate to a young and innocent narrator who wants to be protected from harm and uses the stories as a form of escape. The child narrator is also the only drawback: she often exhibits wisdom and language beyond her years.

    Themes include the power of storytelling, family relationships, memories, guilt, grief, and love. Vaddey Ratner’s writing style is simply beautiful. Heart-wrenching but ultimately hopeful, this story illustrates the desire to live even in the most horrific conditions.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A truly heartbreaking story of death, suffering, and survival. I'm actually grateful that the war crimes committed by the Khmer Rouge (i.e. The Organization) is narrated through the eyes of a 7 year old child. Her viewpoint was hard enough to read. The beginning was extremely slow, but at about the 2/3rds mark, the story picked up and I finally felt connected.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Wow. Hauntingly beautiful, sad... where do I start? I knew about the atrocities committed by the Khmer Rouge, but this book really made it personal.

    At first, I thought it was a little implausible that the protagonist is supposed to be 7 years old yet is so mature and learned. (This coming from someone who also had her nose in a book all the time at 7 years old - but I was reading Nancy Drew, not my country's national literature.) However, as the story moved along, the author managed to make it work. She conveys how devastating the situation was but somehow manages to make it bearable to turn the next page - not an easy task with such horrifying conditions. I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to know about the personal aspects and not dry statistics.

  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I had a hard time getting into this book. I read to about 40% and set it aside refusing to make it a DNF. You see, I wanted to read this one ever since it came out but I just kept push it down my TBR list and then when I started it, I assume my expectations got the best of me. So, instead of not finishing it, I read bits at a time. It got to a point where I had to read more and more until I was finished. Then, at the end the author has the acknowledgements and I had no idea that this was based on her life. Wow.The story takes place in Cambodia told through the eyes of seven year old, Raami. A story of human resilience in the hands of the "Organization". Sometimes there is no telling what you will do to survive.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A somber, spiritual, partially auto-biographical story. The daughter of a king in Cambodia survives 4 years in work camps, loses family, loses hope, is tortured and starved. Somehow she survives, and this book is written to memorialize the horrors wrought by the Kmer Rouge. A tough, yet touching read. It is hard to face the cruelties which are wrought, and continue to be wrought in our world, upon fellow humans!
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    A must-read for anyone trying to understand the Khmer Rouge and the Pol Pot regime in Cambodia. I read this while in Cambodia and visiting the Killing Fields and S21 Prison. I learned not to read this book just before going to bed, for I was sure to have bad dreams. Reading the book while visiting present day Cambodia, made me realize how Buddhism and the concept of compassion have helped Cambodians heal. “Every family has the same story.” I heard over and over again. “We’ve learned to live in harmony.”
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Absolutely wonderful and heartbreaking. Ratner somehow captures the innocence and knowledge of a young child who realizes that something horrible is happening around her but doesn't understand why. The language is beautiful and poetic, yet doesn't gloss over the trials and horrors that Raami goes through, it actually amplifies them. It's also an entirely personal look at the Cambodian genocide, as Ratner is a survivor and she based the book on her own experiences.Read with a box of tissues!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    I started this book with very little information about the time of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. Although a novel, the author had been a child in Cambodia at the time, so it reads like a memoir. Since the main character is quite young (about 7 when the novel begins) I don't really expect a lot of explanation from an adult perspective. This is a book about individual experiences, not an overview or analysis of history. It is hard to read, simply because the horrible events described are, even if not fact, the truth of what happened. Despair and hopelessness pervade, but the memory of beauty and poetry lighten it at times. I can't say it was enjoyable, but it was certainly engrossing.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    So sad, so beautiful. A memoir-cum-novel about the Cambodian genocide. A story of loss on many levels. Four stars because I felt somehow detached from the story; not sure why.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    Absolutely loved this book that brought me to tears.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is a beautifully written tragic and heartbreaking story.

    The writing is so lyrical and amazing, it actually diminishes the impact of what you are reading while you are reading it. It was only after I put the book down and had time to think about the story itself that I could try to comprehend what the people were enduring. Even then, I knew I could never fully understand what it would be like to try and live under those conditions.

  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Finished In the Shade of the Banyan and now know quite a bit more about the 1975 Cambodian revolution which instituted the forced march of 1 - 2 million people as the Khmer Rouge attempted to create their version of utopia. The story is told from the 7 year old point of view of Raami, whose father was a descendent from the royal family of Cambodia and therefore had experienced education in Europe and was an accomplished poet. Early on when Raami reveals his name, it becomes a turning point as her father is led away and she is initially blamed for the loss. Raami moves from country village to work camp with her family, her mother and baby sister, an uncle and Grandmother. Without revealing too much, many do not survive the ordeal of what was later called the killing fields, but Raami's journey was an interesting one to read. I can't say that I loved the writing - a bit much on the use of similes - but there were interesting ideas about the importance of story telling to survive. "Milk Mother said that stories are like footpaths of the gods. They lead us back and forth across time and space and connect us to the entire universe, to people and beings we never see but who we feel exist". I will list here some good passages from the novel:"Everything must be silenced. Black was the color of the Revolution. Mama, with her jade-colored sarong and light pink shirt yet to be dyed, resembled a lotus shooting out of the mud. The colors, or maybe her—the brightness of her presence amidst this straw dwelling and dirt—made me want to hold on tight. I flung my arms around her slender frame, the tapered waist Papa had described as the narrowing of a river. A strait to the unknown.""Bury me and I’ll thrive as countless insectsI bend neither to your weapon nor willEven as you trample upon my bonesI cower not under your soulless treadOr fear your shadow casting upon my grave.""A story, I had learned, through my own constant knitting and reknitting of remembered words, can lead us back to ourselves, to our lost innocence, and in the shadow it casts over our present world, we begin to understand what we only intuited in our naïveté—that while all else may vanish, love is our one eternity. It reflects itself in joy and grief, in my father’s sudden knowledge that he would not live to protect me, and in his determination to leave behind a part of himself—his spirit, his humanity—to illuminate my path, give light to my darkened world. He carved his silhouette in the memory of the sky for me to return to again and again."Interestingly, I found the author's note at the end to be very thoughtful, understanding why she wrote a novel instead of a memoir, the lessons she tried to bring back to her life and her amazing accomplishments in school . Her father's thoughts continued to shape her life. "We are all beggars, my father said. It doesn’t matter what we wear—rags, a saffron robe, or silk. We each ask the same of life. I may have been born a princess. But that beggar, that blind man, who was probably born poor and no doubt had suffered greatly, discerned enough beauty to want to continue living. He deserved our highest respect. His life had as much nobility as ours, as anyone’s, and we ought to accord it dignity. I cannot recall my father’s every word exactly, but as young as I was, it was clear what he wanted me to understand. His gesture and words resonate with me to this day. For all the loss and tragedy I have known, my life has taught me that the human spirit, like the lifted hands of the blind, will rise above chaos and destruction, as wings in flight."
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This was a very beautifully written book. Some describe it as lyrical and I would agree. The fictionalized story was told from the voice of a little girl, Raami and her real life memories of survival during the Khmer Rouge Revolution in 1970's Cambodia. We discussed this as our Book Club Book for March 2015. I hadn't finished the book yet, but when asked about thoughts on Aana, Raami's mother; I felt not impressed by her. Raami had a strong bond with her father, she tells you outright throughout the book. Her relationship with her beautiful mother was shadowed by her younger sister Radana and I didn't feel the love between Mother and Daughter as was evident with her father. However..... I have changed my mind since finishing the book, and I applaud the strength and humility of Aana. She survived, against all odds and she was committed to Raami's survival. She worked hard, she didn't coddle Raami as she did the baby sister and when she was so distraught full of loss, fear and exhaustion... she kept surviving and the only reason possible was to save Raami. I admire her. If the story was told in her voice, I am sure her experience would have been far worse than a little girl's memory and I am sure, that Aana shielded Raami from the atrocities that she must have witnessed. I don't know much about Cambodia or that war for that matter, but I do have a new heartfelt admiration to all of the survivors of that terrible time in their history.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A memoir that the author has fictionalized because of how young she was when the events chronicled in her book take place. The writing gives tribute to both the personality, the character and the artist in her father- who a Cambodian Prince is taken from her and her mother and the rest of the family as part of the revolution. His stories and poetry sustained the main character and forged within her the ability to observe, to survive and to capture beauty even in the midst of great hardship and tragedy. I found myself crying several times- partly for the story- the little girl - not -so-naive narrator, for her strong willed, and grievously treated mother and also for her ability to write with such finesse.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Set in Cambodia during the Khmer Rouge regime In The Shadow of the Banyan describes a seven year old child’s confusion and terror as her life of privilege is torn away and she and her family are turned out of their home and into a world of fanaticism and violence. Not understanding that her family, as minor royalty, would come in for special interrogation, Raami reveals her fathers true name to the soldiers and then lives with the guilt she feels as he is taken away and never seen again. This was just the first of the tragedies that this young girl lived through.Raami and her mother are moved about by the revolutionaries and set to work at many back-breaking tasks, barely kept alive on starvation rations, they remain committed to each other and the memory of their loved ones. She dreams of her father, of the poetry and life lessons he gave her while her mother is a tower of strength and inner fortitude that I found incredible. When the opportunity comes Raami’s mother ensures their escape through Thailand and eventually to the United States and makes true her promise that she and her child will live a better life someday.I did feel that the lyrical writing and poetical phrasing created a barrier between the myself and the characters. Ultimately this is a book that features brutality and violence, the atrocities that were committed by the Khmer Rouge are well documented but I felt the writing softened the effect somewhat. I believe the author’s ultimate purpose was for this book to tribute her mother, pay homage to her lost family and show how their resiliency and courage brought them through this dark period in their lives.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    This is a very powerful, painful, and moving book about the Khemer Rouge in Cambodia told from a young girl's point of view. Sometimes the insights of the narrator seemed too profound for a 7 to 9 year old but beauty and hope presented far outweighed that problem.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    If we think about communism in Asia, as Americans we tend to focus on China or Korea or Vietnam. Very few people probably include Cambodia in that list and an even smaller handful of people are likely to have any knowledge of the Cambodian revolution and civil war in the 1970s, Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge, the atrocities they perpetuated, and the genocide that followed their takeover of this South East Asian neighbor to Vietnam. Vaddey Ratner's lyrical and heartbreaking tale of a seven year old girl's view of the revolution, based loosely on her own terrible experiences living through that desperate time, brings the reality of the time to vivid life. Raami is a young princess in the Cambodian royal family. Despite her leg brace, needed after suffering polio as a baby, she lives a privileged life with her graceful mother, sensitive and poetic father, and beautiful baby sister. But her educated and wealthy family is not blind or indifferent to the poverty and want that seems to be growing daily outside their door. And as loved as the royal family is in some quarters, when the revolution comes, they too are swept up in the exodus from the city, hiding their origins in order to survive and struggling to stay together. The situation escalates as they move from place to place, feeling the pinch of hunger and forced into meaningless backbreaking labor. And they are not spared the suffering, separation, and the deaths of those they love that people all across the country endure at the brutal hands of the Khmer Rouge. Because Raami is merely a child, the narration captures the horrific alongside her innocence and lack of understanding of the bigger, more menacing reality. She is sustained by the memory of her father's lyrical poetry and the fanciful stories she's internalized. And she has the striking ability to notice the landscape and the beauty of nature all around her even in the midst of horrors. This perspective helps to temper the graphic and terrible experiences, muting them some for the reader as well. As Raami recounts the starvation and the inhumanity of the labor camps, the deaths, and the brutality, she also finds instances of good and kindness around her, counterbalancing the inhumanity of man. The novel is beautifully written although it still remains difficult to read about the worst of the atrocities, even with the gentler perspective of a child. And it is hard to believe that all of this horror was packed into only four years because there's so much sorrow and pain. Ratner's first hand experience shines through the text and her ability to find the beauty in the Cambodia she left so long ago and which decimated her beloved family is astounding. She has written a novel that doesn't shy away from documenting the worst of humanity but also celebrates survival, the resilience of the human heart, and the enduring bonds of family and of love. You won't soon forget this one.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    [In The Shadow of The Banyan Tree] by Vaddey Ratner Fictionalised account of Ratner's experience as a young girl torn from her privledged life into the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge. One of forced labour, starvation, suicide and murder. It is a striking and important tale of a much ignored period of extraordinary atrocity. It is a story thats pays tribute to those who didn’t make it and to thank those that did. It feels churlish to criticise a survivors tale but the childhood view does make it unbalanced. It’s noticeably jarring that there is no comment of the extraordinarily privileged position of a family sheltered from the starving and corrupt city under siege but perhaps the story would fail dismally if this were done. Instead a desire to show happiness before the fall, a need to tell a destroyed culture’s stories and myths that overwhelm the early part but enhance so much during the latter half. The charactisation is so good I felt a frustrating need to understand the tale from other view points, particularly her mother whose stunning resilence made me want her commentary to round the tale. In fact it compliments [The Killing Fields] (reviewed above). a different view, personalised and emotional grounds facts to widen your understanding. Recommended. A piece of history worth your time and and story well told.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    GoodVaddey fictionalises her own story of being a child during the days of the Khmer Rouge rule of Cambodia from the fall of Phnom Penh to the Vietnamese liberation. This is the story of what happens to the country through the eyes of a child and the microcosm of what happens to her family. Obviously this is a powerful story and Ratner tells it well. At the heart of the book is her relationship with her father, a poet, and the power of words, especially stories. Overall – Good fictional account of life under the Pol Pot regime
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This is a mesmerizing book. It took me so long to read because I wanted to savor every word, despite the fact that it was very heart-wrenching to read in many areas. The writing is beautiful and everyone who is remotely interested in Cambodia's Khmer Rouge should read this book. I feel like I know every character, you love the people. An amazing story! You will not be disappointed at all!Won from Goodreads.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    Tells the tale in 1975-1979 when the Khmer Rouge sweeps through Cambodia and disrupts a young girl's life. Accustomed to wealth, when the soldiers come, the family is forced to flee with what little they can. Through constant moving and corrupt and cruel force, families are torn apart for the "Good of the Organization!" Educated are treated as threats and systematically eliminated and replaced by cruel, ignorant, self-serving people. A true horror told realistically. (The author recounts her experience as a child during this time in Cambodia.)
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    This coming-of-age novel about a horrific period of history, the Cambodian genocide under the Khmer Rouge in the 1970s, was excellent and beautifully written.
  • Rating: 3 out of 5 stars
    3/5
    Based on the author’s experiences as a young child in the Khmer Rouge’s Cambodia in the 1970’s, this novel contrasts the worst in human behavior with the astonishing ability to dream of better times. Despite loss and starvation, forced labor and wanton cruelty, young Raami never gives up her belief in the power of stories to save us, the power of words as wings.

    One thought, and I wonder if any other readers had this reaction. I really enjoyed reading this book, although enjoyed is not quite the right word - more accurately, I appreciated reading it. But I kept wondering about the author's decision to tell the entire story from the first person point-of-view of a child. On the one hand, the child's innocence balances the horror of the facts. On the other hand, I craved a more layered perspective, a more complex telling. I kept wishing, odd as it may sound, for a glimpse into the inner world of one of the Khmer Rouge "organization" believers. But that's just me, I guess...

    I keep going back and forth between three stars and four; three and a half!
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A powerful, eloquent debut novel about a Cambodian family experiencing the upheavel and terror in the time of the Khmer Rouge told from a young girl's perspective.
  • Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
    4/5
    A harrowing tale of the Khmer Rouge regime in 1970s Cambodia. Raami, the narrator, enjoys a life of privilege and luxury as the daughter of a royal prince until the abrupt communist takeover and ensuing chaos. Forced out of the cities, separated from family members, and closely monitored in forced labor camps, Raami struggles to survive in a world that increasingly makes little sense and follows few rules. A good book and one that has inspired me to learn more about Cambodia's history.
  • Rating: 2 out of 5 stars
    2/5
    I was really disappointed in this novel. Had read so many reviews that made it sound so breathtaking. And it was..just not in a writing style I could get into. I was sooooo bored throughout most of the book. There was just to much descriptive writing for me. Towards the end it finally started to hold my interest but we're talking the last few chapters. So, yes, this is a beautiful book with an account of a historical time that is heartrending and if you like this still of writing you will love it. If like me you don't you will find yourself taking forever to read it.
  • Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
    5/5
    A novelized tribute to the author's father and family in their struggle to survive the Communist Revolution in Cambodia. It is a story of tragedy and renewal written in such a poetic and wonderful manner that the book will captivate your soul. It is the best book that I have read this year and is a modern classic in my opinion. It is truly a fine tribute to Viddey Ratner's family and friends that she lost over those painful years.