Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason
Written by Alfie Kohn
Narrated by Alfie Kohn
4.5/5
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About this audiobook
More than just another book about discipline, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting-including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people.
Alfie Kohn
ALFIE KOHN's published works include Punished by Rewards, No Contest: The Case Against Competition, Beyond Discipline, and What to Look for in a Classroom. Described by Time as "perhaps the country's most outspoken critic of educational fixation on grades and test scores," he has traveled across the country delivering lectures to teachers, parents, and researchers.
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Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Ungrading: Why Rating Students Undermines Learning (and What to Do Instead) Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Myth of the Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional Wisdom about Children and Parenting Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
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Reviews for Unconditional Parenting
218 ratings15 reviews
- Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5There were some interesting principles in this book but it took a little too long to get there. If I read this when my son was an infant, I feel like I could get more out of it. As he is a teenager, the author didn't give many suggestions or advice for implementing his principles.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Fantastic content, easy to listen to, funny, good flow, inspiring to help me be a better parent.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5This book is fantastic. There is so much to analyse around how we parent and how we treat children in our society. This book is thoughtful and challenging in such a great way.
1 person found this helpful
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Brilliant. Having grown up with one parent who used physical/verbal punishment and another who used conditional love (offered as praise when good grades or proper behaviour was given on my part) I was so thankful for this book which just strengthened and reaffirmed to me that the style of parenting I use (unconditional love, respect and acceptance) was the right choice to enable my child to grow up happy and loved.
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Eye-opening and thought-provoking; a good, if tough, read. I’m glad this was recommended to me, and now I highly recommend it myself.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5I wish I would have read this before having children. That said, not only did it provide me with insight, comfort and healing it gave me hope to help my struggling teenage daughter. Let me tell you this approach works and should be implemented in homes and schools alike.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Incredible! Endless wow moments, a total re-set of your parenting beliefs and values. I treasure the day I bought this audiobook - amazing!
- Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5This book dragged on for me. Where info was not obvious, it then seemed boring and often condescending. While I agree with many principles in the book, I didn't appreciate the author's sometimes sarcastic tone (he narrated it). How ironic. Too bad because I do think what Alfie Kohn asserts is overall a parenting style that is beneficial to children & their caregivers. The book may have been better if it was more condensed, starting at Chapter 7 with only snippets from the first 6 chapters sprinkled in. It seems more fitting for parents who are expecting or have very young children so that one can adopt the philosophy.
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Amazing eye-opening ways of parenting . It gives new perspective to look at your kid as equal human being. Treating them with respect and work with them. Alfie explains why we should and how we could apple unconditional parenting for the better bond and long lasting relationship with your kid
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Absolutely a MUST READ for all caring parents. I love it!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Not a "just do this" formula! He asks deep questions and leaves me to form my own conclusions. He skips the debates altogether and seeks the heart of the matter. As an INFJ, it's perfect for me!
- Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Very good. The first half shows you all the things you are doing 'to' your children and the associated issues that can arise. You are left with a lot of questions and a bafflement as to how it will work, if you release the yoke of parental control.
The second half shows you how to change, and answers the annoying questions I had after the first - 'yes, but how?' Because the focus of the parenting strategy endorsed in the book, there is an acknowledgement that perfection will never be achieved, but it shows how such questions are less important than one thinks: what is more important - actually, what is paramount, is the unconditional nature of parenting. Under such a mindset, one knows that things will take longer, will involve more work from the parent in explaining and loving, and the short-term goals will not always be achieved.
But what is the point of being a parent? What does a child need? I would suggest it is to be given everything necessary so that one's children grow up to be happy, motivated, emotionally congruent adults, with the knowledge they can deal with life on their own, and are not afraid to ask for help if they need it. This is a long-term goal, and this book reminds us that we are dealing with children, and all their inconsistencies, frustrations and above all, their learning. They must be allowed to get it wrong, so they can understand why they should get it right.
As such, this book provides a framework for the parent to feel comfortable in a role where the short-term failures are actually for the benefit of the long-term successes. - Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Very interesting book to read.Kohn presents a lot of data at the start of the book to really encourage thinking about what traditional parenting looks like and the effects it has on children. After going over all the data - which suggests we are mostly conditional parenting and that is unhealthy for our children, he discusses how to be unconditional.I admit, I wasn't prepared to read all the data. Some of it was very eye opening really made me think. I just reached a point where I didn't want to read it anymore. Kohn points out most parenting books use no data or research to back up their claims and only anecdotal evidence. I really think it's because the data makes the book feel heavy and it wasn't what I thought I was getting. My guess is most books discussed studies and data and numbers fewer parents would read them. That aside, the book felt sort of vague to me during the second half, which is the how to half. But if you think about it, you can't really write hard, fast rules to follow these principles, and yet, aside from loving unconditionally and not loving conditionally, I wasn't sure what the principles were. In the end, I felt I understood enough of what he was saying to get it, and yet the book felt lacking somehow. (Of course, I can only offer vague reasons why - which is ironic!) But it made sense. The data presented really made me think (I just think he spent more time then he needed to on it). The most important thing to me though is that I walked away with a good sense of conditional parenting and wanting to be more like that. I admit I saw myself in some of the conditional anecdotes, which really made me cringe and think I don't want to do that anymore! And yet on the other hand, I walked away feeling like I was already doing a lot of right things. And who doesn't like a book that validates some of what you are already doing!
- Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?" The author would dance around alternatives, but he kept referencing Chapter 7 as where he'd be presenting them in detail—which was over halfway through the book.In the end, I'm not sure if I would have been ready to accept the ideas in that chapter had I not gone through the painful process of being challenged again and again and again in the first part of the book. Maybe the author has to break down a few walls before he can help you start to build up something completely different in their place.Here are just a handful of the reasons why punishment doesn't work, according to the research covered in this book: * Punishment makes people mad. I can recall with great clarity the times I was being punished for something that I had done, and I guarantee you I wasn't "reflecting" on my actions. I was getting even more pissed off at whomever was punishing me, and my actions were the furthest thing from my mind. * Punishment models the use of power. Do we really want to teach our kids that might makes right? As adults, will it be healthy for them to exploit their power over their fellow humans? * Punishment makes kids more self-centered. If I hit Susie, I'll have to sit in timeout and miss the rest of recess. Notice that I'm thinking about what will happen to me, not how Susie will feel.What about rewards? If punishing non-compliance isn't effective, what about rewarding compliance? "...rewards are remarkably ineffective at improving the quality of people's work or learning. A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike are less successful at many tasks when they're offered a reward for doing them—or for doing them well."Or worse, rewards can undermine the very behavior you're trying to encourage: "...when there's no longer a goody to be gained, [kids are] less likely to help than are kids who weren't given a reward in the first place. They're also less likely to help than they themselves used to be. After all, they've learned that the point of coming to someone's aid is just to get a reward."These are just a few of the points from the book, but I know what you're thinking right now: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?"Or maybe: "Haha, your kid is going to walk all over you! Sucker!"To the latter, I say: You could very well be right. But this book resonated with me on a much deeper level than the parenting practices I saw growing up or continue to see on Supernanny. What do you think that kid on the naughty step is thinking about? About how what they did was wrong and they'll never do it again? Or about how Mom is so unfair...or...next time she's not going to catch me...or...I'm going to hit little brother for tattling on me?Certainly you can remember a time when you were in timeout as a kid. Maybe you were a perfect kid and sat quietly reflecting on your misbehavior and how you will never, ever do that again. But me? Not so much. I sat there thinking of ways to blame someone else. I sat there steaming about the person who was punishing me. I sat there making plans to not talk to anyone for the rest of the day to show how mad I was.So what if instead when you did something wrong, your parents sat down with you and asked you what happened? What if they had helped you explore why you did what you did? What if they encouraged you to think of other ways you could have expressed your emotions?Kids are smart. They have good ideas for how to solve problems, including their own. You just need to give them a chance and support the process with your loving guidance.Do I think that this style of parenting will mean my daughter won't ever misbehave or have a tantrum or annoy the crap out of me sometimes? No, not at all. She'll still do all those things, but what will be different is how I react to her.Kids see rewards as approval and love, and they see punishments as a withdrawal of that approval and love. So on a basic level, will my actions teach my daughter that I love her only when she behaves in the exact way that I want her to? Do I really want to raise a daughter who is blindly compliant with whomever has more power than her? (Even if I did want a compliant daughter, research shows that rewards and punishment aren't effective in getting that.)No. I want to teach her that I love her always, not just because she does what I want her to. I want a daughter who can make smart decisions for herself, not just do what the person with more power is telling her to do.If any of this is resonating with you and if you're wondering what could possibly replace rewards and punishments, I would suggest that you read the book yourself. There's no easy formula for parenting without rewards and punishments, and this book will help you explore what that style of parenting will be for you and your family.
- Rating: 1 out of 5 stars1/5Kohn has some very valid points to make (respect your children, rethink your requests), but I think he throws the baby out with the bathwater.