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    Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers
    Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers
    Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers
    Ebook132 pages51 minutes

    Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers

    By Alan D. Wolfelt

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    About this ebook

    A compassionate resource for friends, parents, relatives, teachers, volunteers, and caregivers, this series offers suggestions to help the grieving cope with the loss of a loved one. Often people do not know what to sayor what not to sayto someone they know who is mourning; this series teaches that the most important thing a person can do is listen, have compassion, be there for support, and do something helpful. This volume addresses what to expect from grieving young people, and how to provide safe outlets for teens to express emotion. Included in each book are tested, sensitive ideas for carpe diem” actions that people can take right this minutewhile still remaining supportive and honoring the mourner’s loss. 
     
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherCompanion Press
    Release dateApr 1, 2001
    ISBN9781617220524
    Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers

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      Book preview

      Healing a Teen's Grieving Heart - Alan D. Wolfelt

      well.

      Introduction

      "Before I can walk in another’s shoes

      I must first remove my own."

      —Author unknown

      We tend to think of adolescence as a time for fun and rebellion and growing independence—not a time for profound loss. Yet each year millions of teenagers suffer the death of a parent, a grandparent, a sibling, a teacher, a friend. The recent school shootings, particularly the Columbine tragedy (which took place just an hour from where I live), have made us more acutely aware of this painful demographic.

      As a grief counselor and Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition (and parent to three children, one an amazing daughter on the cusp of adolescence), I’ve had the honor of working with hundreds of grieving teenagers. They have taught me that, because of their already challenging life phase, their experience with grief is unique. They are not children, yet neither are they adults. Instead, teens comprise a special group of mourners who deserve a special kind of care and consideration from the adults around them. Grieving teens need our help if they are to survive what to them often seem unsurvivable.

      I like to say that grieving teens need us to be a companion to them as they journey through grief. To companion grieving teenagers means to be present to them and attentive to their needs and communication. It means allowing them to teach us what their unique grief journeys are like instead of us telling them what they should or should not do. It means, as the quote above points out, removing our shoes before we walk in theirs. It means honoring and bearing witness to their pain without trying to take the pain away or protecting them from the truth. It means making the commitment to be there for them, now and in the months and years ahead.

      I’d also like to point out the important distinction between the terms grief and mourning. Grief is the internal thoughts and feelings of loss and pain when someone loved dies, whereas mourning is the outward, shared expression of that grief—or grief gone public. All teens grieve when someone they love dies. But if they are to heal, they must have a safe, accepting atmosphere in which they can mourn.

      Now let’s look at some of the typical aspects of teen grief. Keep in mind that these are merely general guidelines; don’t expect every grieving teen to conform to the precepts that follow. Instead, read this introduction for background knowledge then put it aside as you concentrate on letting each grieving teen teach you what her unique grief journey is like for her.

      Developmental Tasks Complicated By Grief

      With the exception of infancy, no developmental period is so filled with change as adolescence. One of the primary changes teenagers must go through is separating from their families. Leaving the security of childhood, teenagers begin to separate from their parents and siblings and establish their own identities. This process is normal and necessary (although trying!); without it, teens would never be able to leave home, establish careers or have families of their own.

      But as many of us know from our experiences, separating isn’t always easy. With the need to separate often comes the need to devalue those closest to us. Fights with parents and siblings are common. So, when a parent or sibling whom the teen has been at odds with dies, the teen may feel a sense of regret or unfinished business.

      In addition, even though teens need to separate from their families, they still want to feel loved and secure. This ambivalence can naturally complicate the grief journey. The teen may unconsciously think, If I mourn, that means I need you. But my stronger need right now is for autonomy, so I don’t want to mourn.

      As teenagers separate from their families, they attach more to their peer group. Friends, including boyfriends and girlfriends, may become the teen’s most important source of affirmation and acceptance. So, if a teen’s friend should die, the hurt can be particularly painful. Also remember that for a teen, the death of a friend or sibling is the death of another young person. Not only will the teen probably feel despair and outrage at this injustice, but the death can also make the teen aware, perhaps for the first time, that he or she will die, too.

      Because adolescence is often accompanied by awkward physical development, many teenagers feel unattractive. This can compromise their self-esteem and make them feel that much more overwhelmed by their grief. The teenager’s changing outward appearance can also make them look like men and women. Too often adults take this to mean that grieving teens are emotionally mature and can handle their own grief. Not so. No one, especially a young person, should have to cope with their grief alone. Grieving teenagers need the love and support of adults if they are to become emotionally healthy adults

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