Why Smart Kids Worry: And What Parents Can Do to Help (15 Tools for Parenting Your Anxious Child)

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Part One

How Smart Kids Think

This section helps you understand what your child is going through. As you read through the information, I would encourage you to be open to thinking about your child differently. Part One was written through the eyes of a child, not of an adult, so there may be some new information about anxiety and intelligence you have not heard before. Take in the information, let it soak in, and see how it applies to your child. The information in Part One is taken from countless hours spent with anxious kids and what they have described experiencing. I use phrases like a gerbil on a wheel and emotional tank as examples of the language kids have used to describe what their inner worlds feel like.

Part One also includes concrete examples of how to talk to kids about their anxiety. In this section, I encourage you to use the word worry instead of anxiety and to use other kid-friendly language. This takes anxiety down to the level of the child, instead of raising it to the level of the adult. The language you use with anxious kids is very important: it is one of the ways parents can help kids become more aware of themselves and ultimately manage their own anxiety.

Finally, it’s important to read Part One thoroughly before jumping to the tools. While the tools are important, the information in this section is even more important. To know what will work best for your child, you must first understand how your child thinks, how he processes anxiety, and what role you need to play as a parent.

1

The New Definition of Smart

When you say the word smart, do you think of a doctor, lawyer, or the valedictorian of your high school class? The words summa cum laude and 36 on the ACT may come to mind, as well as prestigious universities such as Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. But what many people don’t realize is that a college dropout may be smarter than a Rhodes scholar. A high-school dropout may be smarter than a college graduate, and the plumber who fixes the CEO’s toilet may be smarter than the CEO. Traditionally, when we think of intelligence, we are actually thinking of achievement, swapping one for the other instead of seeing them as distinctly different.

Twenty years ago, if you were smart, you went to college and became a business person, attorney, or doctor and made more money than most people around you. Now that we’re in the information age, some of the smartest people are bypassing college altogether to start their own businesses or internet companies, or even travel the world. The new definition of intelligence is to think outside the box and create something no one has seen before. It can be as simple as a gadget, website, or a device to hold your laptop, but the world no longer measures the smartest people by degrees and grade-point averages.

Many parents believe their child is smart but aren’t sure how he measures up to other kids. If he is certified gifted or does really well in school, they have concrete evidence of their child’s abilities. If not, they aren’t sure if their child is that much different from everyone else. When parents walk in my office and say, My child is smart. He doesn’t do that well at school, but he seems more advanced than other kids, I help parents redefine what being smart can look like.

Smart Kid = the ability to take ideas/skills to the next level

By taking an idea to the next level, I mean the ability to take a thought, idea, skill, or concept to a level in which it was not presented. Here are some examples of how smart kids think versus the average kid:

While taking concepts to the next level can be a great asset for kids, it can also be a problem. The ability to take ideas to the next level opens a world for smart kids that they are ill-equipped to handle. What’s more, the problem is actually getting worse. As a culture, we are becoming smarter every year, and as intelligence rises, so does the amount of higher-level thinking smart kids are capable of.

The Flynn Effect

Are today’s kids smarter than we were?

According to James R. Flynn, founder of the Flynn Effect, average intelligence jumps 3 points per decade among children in the United States. Regardless of schooling, exposure to academic activities, tutoring, or Baby Einstein, Flynn found that IQ rises. The number of people who score high enough to be classified as genius has increased more than twenty times over the last generation. Flynn describes this as a cultural renaissance too great to be overlooked. Whether people are displaying increased overall intelligence or simply advanced problem-solving abilities, the number of scientific and technological discoveries made by great minds suggests we are in a time like no other.

So what does this mean? It means today’s kids are outsmarting their parents. They win almost every argument, find information on the Internet you didn’t even know existed, and remember everything you said that you wished you hadn’t. I continually hear, I just can’t keep up with him. He seems so advanced. I don’t remember trying to pull those things when I was his age. Something must be wrong. The truth is, kids are pulling things today we didn’t pull as kids because today’s kids are smarter.

The Seven Types of Intelligence

When you look at intelligence, it’s important to see the big picture. Psychologists and researchers have been debating the definition of intelligence for over fifty years, and in 1983, a man by the name of Howard Gardner put his ideas into a theory he called multiple intelligences. Gardner believed there are different types of intelligence, and that simply measuring kids by how they perform in school is not an accurate measure of how smart they really are. For example, a child who learns how to multiply easily is not necessarily smarter than a child who doesn’t. The child who is slower to learn may be smarter than the child who is quicker. What looks like slowness may be hiding a mathematical intelligence potentially higher than that of a child who just memorizes the multiplication tables. Gardner broke his theory down into seven categories, which he called The Seven Types of Intelligence.

1.  Linguistic—the capacity to use language effectively as a means of expression and communication through the written or spoken word (example: Shakespeare)

2.  Logical-Mathematical—the ability to recognize relationships and patterns between concepts and things, to think logically, to calculate numbers, and to solve problems scientifically and systematically (example: Einstein)

3.  Visual-Spatial—the ability to think in images and orient oneself spatially (example: Picasso)

4.  Musical—the capacity to use music as a vehicle of expression. Musically intelligent people are perceptive to elements of rhythm, melody, and pitch (example: Mozart)

5.  Bodily-Kinesthetic—the capacity of using one’s own body skillfully as a means of expression or to work with one’s body to create or manipulate objects (example: Michael Jordan)

6.  Interpersonal—the capacity to appropriately and effectively communicate with and respond to other people (example: Oprah)

7.  Intrapersonal—the capacity to accurately know one’s self, including knowledge of one’s own strengths, motivations, goals, and feelings (example: Freud)

Example #1: A second-grade art teacher asks the class to draw a tree.

A child with average Visual-Spatial Intelligence will draw a tree like this:

A child with advanced Visual-Spatial Intelligence will draw a tree like this:

Example #2: Parents get in an argument over money in front of their two children.

A child with average Interpersonal Intelligence will think:

My parents are fighting about money again.

A child with advanced Interpersonal Intelligence will notice that his parents’ body language has changed since the last argument and think:

My parents are going to get a divorce over money. I really shouldn’t ask for anything for my birthday this year. Maybe they’ll stay together if I don’t, because then they’ll have more money.

In both examples, two children were exposed to the same stimuli, but each reacted to it very differently.

Example #3: A parent picks up her son early from school because he’s sick.

A child with average Interpersonal Intelligence will think:

Mom picked Henry up from school because he’s sick.

A child with advanced Interpersonal Intelligence will think:

Mom picked Henry up from school because she loves him more. She picked him up last week too. I really don’t think Henry’s sick. I think Mom just wants to spend more time with him. I wish Mom would love me as much as she loves Henry.

These are all examples of smart kids who may or may not be successful at school. The child in Example #1 is a superior artist but may have a processing disorder. She may spend her time drawing instead of doing her work and may get into trouble for being distracted by her art, because that’s all she really wants to do. Chances are the classroom teacher won’t see the child in Example #1 as smart. Chances are the art teacher will, though. He might even see her as gifted. So who’s right? The classroom teacher or the art teacher? It all depends on what they specialize in. The classroom teacher specializes in Logical-Mathematical Intelligence, and the art teacher specializes in Visual-Spatial Intelligence.

The children in Example #2 and Example #3 are what many therapists are seeing in their offices. Kids with high Interpersonal Intelligence are the kids who are highly sensitive, highly perceptive, and who take relational experiences to the next level. They pick up on the slightest changes within the family system and react to them with high amounts of emotion. They are always tuned into how much attention little brother is getting and to how their friends are perceiving them. This high attunement means they may have a hard time shutting off what’s going on around them.

You may look at the Seven Types of Intelligence and know exactly where your child fits, or you may be unsure. Your child might be great athlete and therefore have a high level of Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence. He may also be a great listener and friend, and therefore have a high level of Interpersonal Intelligence. He may also struggle in art class, and therefore have a lower Visual-Spatial Intelligence. This does not mean your child is going to grow up to be a likable, professional athlete. It just means that right now, these are the areas he finds success in. In other words, these are the areas where he has natural abilities.

Natural Abilities vs. Hard Work

Just because your child is smart doesn’t mean he’s going to succeed at everything. Even if he puts in the extra effort, he still may not be as successful as some of his peers.

When I was ten years old, I decided I wanted to be a college basketball player. That summer I asked my dad for a basketball hoop, a weight set, and a jump rope. By the next year, I was the best basketball player in my grade. At eleven, I thought if I worked hard enough, I could play at the University of Connecticut, a premier powerhouse, and maybe even become a professional basketball player. But what I learned throughout middle and high school is that you can’t practice quickness. You can’t practice jumping abilities, and you can’t make yourself taller. By my senior year I was a five-foot, seven-inch shooting guard who managed to get a basketball scholarship…but not to UConn.

That spring, I read an article about a girl who’d just started playing basketball her junior year. She was six-foot-three, could touch the rim, and was going to a top-ranked Division I school. I remember feeling defeated and overwhelmed by the sheer number of hours I had spent training that she hadn’t.

But what I realize now is that the hard work did pay off—just not in basketball. The discipline it took to stick to my training routine has shaped the rest of my life. During my senior year in high school, however, I couldn’t see that.

That natural abilities sometimes override hard work is a difficult dynamic for kids to understand. Some kids spend hours doing homework, while other kids finish in fifteen minutes. Some kids kick a goal in their first soccer game, while other kids don’t make one all season. When kids put effort into succeeding and they don’t measure up to their peers, their reality shifts. Common sense says, If I work hard, I’ll succeed, but that’s not always the case.

The Expectation of Success

How does this make kids anxious? Many smart kids expect to be good at one thing just because they’re good at another. They don’t need to practice in the activity that fits their natural ability, so why should they practice at another sport, skill, or class? Kids who excel in Logical-Mathematical Intelligence may expect to be the best player on the soccer team, and Bodily-Kinesthetic kids who earn the highest belt in karate class expect to receive the greatest applause at the piano recital. If these expectations aren’t met, they’ll often become frustrated and either make excuses or want to quit.

If this sounds like your child, it’s important to remind him that effort is just as important as success. Reward your child for spending two hours practicing kicking goals rather than scoring two goals in a game. After your child practices for an hour, take him out for ice cream. After he practices for a month, buy him a new soccer ball or a new soccer shirt.

It’s also important to show empathy for your child’s frustration (more about empathy later). Many smart kids have never experienced failure, and by acknowledging this, you let them know you understand what they’re going through. You can recognize your child’s sadness or frustration by saying, I know you don’t want to go to karate, but we’ve already signed up, and I’m sorry soccer has been so hard for you. I know you’ll be glad when the season is over. This lets your child know that while you won’t let him quit, at least you understand how he feels.

After all, kids go into activities with excitement and enthusiasm, which lasts until the first bump in the road. Then, kids have to make a decision: Is the time and effort required to become good really worth it? To some kids it is. To others, it’s not. Regardless, when you’re used to things coming easily, it’s hard to manage the frustration when things are difficult.

Motivated Smart Kids

Some smart kids will want to take academics to the highest level. They’ll start talking about college in elementary school, and even about going to Harvard one day. As a parent, this is exciting. Seeing your child interested in something on a grand scale lets you know your child is not only smart, but also motivated. However, when your child talks about college and future employment, it’s important to listen while not appearing to be the driving force. Because smart kids are easily bored and will change their minds; if you attach too much importance to his conversation about Harvard, it may end up pushing your child away.

It’s also important not to be the one to start conversations about grand accomplishments. If he wants to tell you about his desire to go to an Ivy League school, say, That’s great. I hope you can go there someday. That’s a much different response than, You’re going to have to get straight A’s from here on out. Do you know how many applicants that school gets? The first one is supportive. The second one is loaded with expectations. When you support your child, you allow him to figure out where he fits without deciding for him. When you expect your child to do something, you narrow the playing field and put pressure on him to either fail or succeed in a specific area.

When he asks your opinion about going to Harvard, say, I’ll be happy wherever you go. Many smart kids will get rejected from Harvard, and while you appreciate your child’s drive and motivation, you also want to set the tone of I’ll love you regardless. Smart kids sometimes don’t handle rejection well, and it’s comforting for them to know they’ll have support no matter what.

The Unmotivated Smart Child

Many parents are in the opposite position. They realize how smart their child is but can’t seem to get him to take advantage of his opportunities. They see he has a 146 IQ but is doing only grade-level math. According to the Weschler Intelligence Scale, children who score above a 130 are considered to have very superior intelligence. Children who score between 120–129 are considered superior, and those scoring between 110–119 are considered high average. Average intelligence is considered to be between 90–109, so when a child scores a 146, the expectations are much higher.

If you have a child with a high IQ who is doing only average in school, just be patient. A lot of pressure goes along with being smart. In the early grades (K–2), smart kids have to do next to nothing to stay afloat. Once third grade hits, school gets harder, and smart kids have to try, often creating issues. Trying is not something smart kids are used to. For them, it’s like putting on a three-piece suit when you’re used to running around in your underwear. It feels heavy, confining, and stuffy, and all you want to do is peel it off, but you can’t. Instead, you’re stuck trying to find the freedom you used to have.

This is a tough place to be for a smart child: realizing that learning isn’t always easy and that life takes effort. He can no longer just slide by; now there are expectations and work to be done to meet these expectations. Your child can do this, is often what teachers say to the parents of smart kids. He just doesn’t apply himself.

How to Motivate Smart Kids

If your child is unmotivated, start by not blaming him. Think of the things you’re unmotivated to do: housework, errands, exercise, balancing your checkbook, filing your taxes, and then think of how you get yourself to do them. You tell yourself: I’ll feel better when this is over.

That’s exactly how you teach smart