She's Having a Baby: --and I'm Having A Breakdown

INTRODUCTION

I was lying in bed with my eight-months-pregnant wife. It was late, but we couldn’t sleep. She was reading pregnancy books. I was reading a novel. "How come you’re not reading these books?" my wife asked. It was a question millions of men have been asked, and like those men, I didn’t have a good answer. I cared about the pregnancy. I had attended nearly every meeting with the obstetrician. I had gone to birthing classes faithfully and had planned and redecorated the room we now called the baby’s. I felt I wanted to read about pregnancy but somehow couldn’t seem to do it.

I looked around our bed. There were mounds everywhere: not just my wife’s swollen belly, but also piles and piles of books on pregnancy. I read the books’ titles. They all seemed to be written by women or doctors—and none, I noticed, talked directly to men. Then I began combing through each volume, scanning hundreds of pages, and even after checking the indexes, found shockingly little written about men, who, according to these experts, seemed to have one and only one role in the pregnancy: get that sperm to that egg!

Excuse me, I thought, but I’m in this pregnancy, too! That’s when I realized that what I really wanted was a book by a man for a man, a book that didn’t make me feel like a trespasser or a bystander. I wanted a book that would offer suggestions on how I should act, what I should do, one that would help me understand my wife’s emotional and physical state and help me make her more comfortable and still keep my place within our relationship—and help me get ready for fatherhood.

But I soon realized that for men, there were no age-old lists of rules to turn to, no dialogue among the brutes, no map that gets handed down from generation to generation to navigate this tricky road. Our dads can’t give us detailed advice, because most of them were sitting on the sidelines during their wives’ pregnancies. It was then that I decided to write this book for men—a book that would also help women better understand what their husbands are going through.

We hear all the time that being a father is grossly undervalued by our society. It’s true. My experience is that there’s nothing finer. Nothing. It’s not inferior to being a mother; it’s equal. But it’s got to start at the beginning. The partnership between husband and wife has to reshuffle itself—evolve—so when the baby makes his or her screaming appearance into the world, everything’s in place: father, mother, and a space in their life together for the baby.

It’s a great journey for the man who wants to take it. I know—I’ve been there. You take it one step at a time. Now and then, of course, you’ll have to take a leap. If you fall, you just get up and try again. And one day down the line, you’ll look in the mirror, and you’ll be pleased by the father you see. You’ll have another wrinkle or two around the eyes—but you know you’d do it all over again in a flash.

—JAMES DOUGLAS BARRON

P.S. I realize that a lot of couples having babies aren’t married. For simplicity’s sake, throughout this book I’ve referred to the pregnant woman as wife.

10 GREAT MOMENTS OF PREGNANCY AND EARLY FATHERHOOD:

1. Hearing the words You’re going to be a daddy…

2. Telling everybody the good news and watching their eyes light up.

3. Listening to your baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

4. Midpregnancy sex. (Surprise!)

5. Visiting the nursery at the hospital with your pregnant wife and watching all the babies through the window.

6. Hearing the words You’ve got a baby boy/girl!

7. Holding your baby for the first time.

8. Bringing your baby over to your wife and seeing how happy you’ve made her.

9. Holding your wife’s hand and watching your baby sleep.

10. Calming your baby in the middle of the night, then humming a song and dancing in your darkened living room—just you and your baby in your arms.

1.

THE FIRST TRIMESTER

1. She’s going to have a baby? Congratulations!

But along with all those knowing winks and slaps on the back comes the realization that you’re going to have a baby, too. Isn’t that just great? Well…isn’t it?

2. If this is all so great, why do you feel as if you’re about to have a breakdown?

Your wife hugged you to her chest and whispered warmly into your ear, You’ve just made me the happiest woman alive. Okay, maybe she didn’t exactly do that, but you read the message in her eyes. You reveled in it, felt yourself swelling like a hot-air balloon—but you felt a distinct tugging, too, as if you were being held down, tethered to sandbags.

Sure, the first golden moments after finding out are greeting cardish. All the things you ever thought would make her happy—the ultimate tumble in the sack, a diamond ring, a home with a yard—are nothing compared to this. She’s ecstatic, out of her mind. And you already feel queasy. Why? Because you feel Responsibility looming above you like some ominous storm cloud. You can hear crashing thunder; she can’t. You see lightning; she doesn’t. You’re taking the keys out of your pockets so you don’t get electrocuted; she’s not. You find the difference in your reactions very disconcerting.

Your best remedy here is simple: learn from your wife. Don’t look too far ahead or you won’t appreciate the moment. Sure, take measures. Start saving (now!) if you’re already worried about college tuition. But don’t get so caught up in planning and plotting that you can’t see the great beauty you’ve helped to create. Nobody can take that away from you. In other words, cut the strings, toss out the ballast, and soar.

More good news: you won’t have a breakdown during pregnancy. Sometimes you’ll think you’re having one—but you won’t be. (Then, during the first six weeks after your baby’s born, you’ll swear you’re having a breakdown—but again, you won’t.)

10 RESPONSES TO THE NEWS THAT SHE’S PREGNANT YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT TO HEAR:

1. Are you really sure?

2. How do you know?

3. C’mon, you flunked high school science—you must have made a mistake.

4. Well, I’m feeling mixed emotions.

5. When did that happen?

6. What do you want me to say?

7. I’m stunned. It’s a big responsibility. Big. Major. I mean, huge. Awesome. Wow!

8. I’m numb. Too numb. To respond.

9. If it’s a girl, does this mean I’ve got to pay for a wedding?

10. Can I get back to you on this?

3. If you screwed up when you heard the news, fix it now.

Ask for a second chance to react. Don’t do this over the phone. If you can, take some time off work or leave early. Meet your wife at a romantic spot, hug her, and let some feelings show. If you feel overwhelmed, keep it simple. But tell her that you’ll be there for her and for the child. She wants to know she has your support. Then she wants to know it again. And again. And again.

4. Take her to her obstetrician—but be prepared.

Prepared for what? For feelings of insecurity, fallibility, and stupidity.

Here’s what awaits you in the waiting room: pregnant women (in various stages of pregnancy), maybe a few husbands, and unpregnant women who are there for gynecological exams. You will feel eyes on you. Then: the wait. You look at the well-thumbed magazines…but there’s not a Sports Illustrated or Esquire in the heap. Just women’s magazines. Parenting magazines. Mothering magazines. You feel distinctly out of place.

Your wife’s name is called by a woman holding a plastic cup. You go into a trance or start to flip through magazines too fast to read them. Then you, too, are called into the inner sanctum.

The doctor confirms the pregnancy, and you realize you hadn’t truly believed in it until the moment the man (or woman) in the white coat told you. Now there’s the exhilarating spin of the pregnancy wheel—he studies the numbers and tells you when your wife conceived, and you think back and wonder if you had sex that Wednesday. He announces the due date and reminds you that due dates are inaccurate, but it’s too late: you’ve both fixated on the month and day.

You and your wife walk down the corridor, and from every doorway the lab technicians, the secretaries, the receptionist, all smile and chirp congratulations—at your wife.

Out on the street, you wonder (maybe out loud), Was that my imagination or was I excess baggage back there? And here’s the simple truth: the world is still catching up to the involved father-to-be. But you can handle it.

5. Lessen your wife’s guilt.

Her first words after hearing she’s pregnant may be Oh, my God, I got sloshed on margaritas last night! I’ve already blown it! Or she regrets the party that went on until four A.M. Or the cigarette she bummed off someone at the party (and it was an unfiltered Camel!). Or any number of other pregnancy no-no’s.

It’s your job to console your wife and reassure her that no damage was done. Don’t let her torture herself with nail-biting worry for nine months. (And let’s remember, most of our mothers were puffing on Lucky Strikes and getting tanked on martinis when they were pregnant, and we seem to have turned out all right.)

COOK A DINNER FOR YOUR WIFE. Don’t let her linger in the kitchen, or she’ll grab a spoon and give a stir. Even if you’re a mediocre cook, you’ll win her heart with your gallant effort. Remember: high fiber, lots of vegetables, and low fat. (And don’t be a fool and let her clean up—all the magic will be erased.)

6. Decide who to tell and when.

After you learn the news, you may have a surreal moment when you’re not sure what to do next. Most people want to tell someone (anyone!) to make it feel real.

After we found out, my wife and I lay in bed, smiling at each other and staring into the little vials with the blue tab on our windowsill. We draped our arms over each other’s shoulders, pecked each other on the lips, rolled around in bed, and felt a unique mix of giddiness, relief, and awe for the huge new horizon that stretched out before us.

I’ve got to tell my mother! she proclaimed gleefully.

You what? Who? Not yet! I said.

When? she said.

A month, I said. She shook her head firmly. A week? She shook her head again. Well, let’s keep it a secret until tomorrow. She relented.

But by three that afternoon, my wife was on her knees, begging and pleading that she’d be forever grateful if only she could please, please, please call her mother. And close friends, she added. I will readily admit that I, too, was tantalized by the prospect of calling my parents, for every man understands that becoming a father reshuffles the family cards.

Yes, my wife’s mother was thrilled with the news (I could practically hear her packing her suitcases as she talked on the phone). My parents were ecstatic, too. Then we called a friend. And another. It was almost like eating cashews—we couldn’t stop. In fact, for weeks, if we started to feel a bit down, we’d lift the phone so someone could send our spirits high again. (When you run out of friends to inform, you start calling distant relatives.)

Frankly, there are no guidelines, no rights and wrongs, about when to tell other people. Some call while the tab is turning blue. Some people wait until after the eleventh week, when the highest danger of miscarriage has passed. Others keep it quiet until the pregnancy is starting to show. But when a woman has got to tell, she has got to tell—and very little can stop her.

10 THINGS A FATHER-TO-BE FEARS MOST ABOUT PREGNANCY:

1. The baby will be born with something wrong.

2. My wife will die giving birth.

3. Sex will never be the same.

4. Her figure will never be the same.

5. The marriage will never be the same.

6. My wife will be far more interested in our child than in me.

7. Sex will never be the same.

8. I will faint from seeing blood or do something stupid in the delivery room.

9. My child’s birth will finish off my youth and jump-start my middle age.

10. Sex will never be the same.

7. Admit