The Good Karma Divorce: Avoid Litigation, Turn Negative Emotions into Positive Actions, and Get On with the Rest of Your Life

PART ONE

CREATING YOUR SOUL SEARCH PARTY

1

Your Personal Manifesto

The Antidote to the Negative Seductions of Breakup

Last night as I was sleeping,

I dreamt—marvelous error!—

that I had a beehive

here inside my heart.

And the golden bees

were making white combs

and sweet honey

from my own failures.

—ANTONIO MACHADO, FROM LAST NIGHT AS I WAS SLEEPING

You’ve just awakened and are sitting in the first chair you found, or if you’re good to yourself you’re sitting in your favorite chair, having your morning tea or coffee. The questions you are asking yourself deal with whether the destruction of your family or the loss of faith in your spouse is causing you to believe in nothing and no one: Has the person I have always known been turned to dust, never to be found again? Yesterday I felt better, but today that anxiety is back—will I ever be out of pain? Does everyone around me see how badly I’m doing?

Though you may have thoughts along these lines, can you make out that crack of light in the darkness that will allow for a more illuminating way to view your current circumstance? Is it possible that every new challenge, every new crisis is the modeling clay for building a new life, greater than you could ever have imagined? Can you envision that the loss of your marriage or relationship, no matter how bitter the pain, can be valuable to you in one way or another?

If you can start to ask questions like this—even if you can’t yet answer them fully—you are on the road to turning your pain into a kind of power you may have never had the opportunity to access, the promise of something better yet to come. Poet Roger Housden puts it perfectly when he says, The heart, like a grape, is prone to delivering its harvest at the same moment that it appears to be crushed.

The advent of a life crisis—breakup and divorce being among the most difficult—forces a person to choose a path. One direction can be destructive and therefore weakening, while another can build strength, wisdom, and awareness. At first it seems easier to behave any way you feel like—after all, you are hurt, you deserve it. Choosing a path with opportunities to build courage, compassion, and strength appears to require a fortitude you don’t feel you can marshal. You might be thinking self-assessment is something you can do later, after this is all over. The reality is the dark emotions of resentment, anger, hostility, and alienation from that person you know yourself to be contaminate the rest of your life, now and in the future. In this darkness it is difficult to see the life-enhancing lessons being offered.

You might say, I want a peaceful divorce, but I don’t feel it! When it comes to divorce or separation and the ensuing implosion of the family unit, there are many easy-to-take paths that tend to be random, sloppy, and disordered. There are countless opportunities to create a cyclone out of a rain shower. There are no quick fixes—pain-free—when it comes to divorce. There are simply paths to take that are life-enhancing and others that are life-destroying. Sometimes circumstances provide a gentle nudge to find a higher path.

In the absence of quick fixes, I started working on settlement techniques for reducing this pain and turmoil for the litigants in my courtroom. Interestingly, my investigation began as an attempt to flush out and then address all of the fears that blocked settlement in complicated child-custody cases. I asked the litigants to write down their worst fears concerning how their divorce would impact their relationship with their children, their concerns about the other party’s parenting, and their ideal goals for their divorce. I began to notice that the sheer act of writing these down created a major shift in the litigants’ emotional responsiveness and malleability in settling cases. I found that when fears were articulated, they could be addressed. Often a previously unrevealed fear lurking beneath the surface caused the emotional blockage that was obstructing the settlement.

The act of cataloguing fears and needs was so calming that people could move from an emotional to a problem-solving plane. In one instance, a case could not be settled because the wife was furious over her husband’s affair with his office manager. Through writing, it became apparent that her real fear was that he would be obsessed with his new love and wouldn’t see or support his children. She also feared being disposed of and disregarded, which activated her underlying fear of abandonment. We were able to write an agreement in which her husband agreed to almost every detail of communication that she required. He agreed to check in with her twice a week and not to bring his new girlfriend on custodial visits.

As I observed this phenomenon, I realized the secret was in having people write down their fears as well as their ideal goals or aspirations for themselves and their lives. Before my eyes, the couples were successfully mapping out what they previously had believed to be un-chartable territory. I then researched the process of writing to find out why it made such a marked difference in the behavior of these couples. I was gratified to discover that neuroscientists had already solved this mystery. Through their research, it has now been demonstrated that writing employs different neurological pathways in the brain than those followed by cognitive thought. In short, by both thinking and writing about a fear we allow our brains to consider information from two distinctly different perspectives.

As cognitive neuropsychologist Dr. Leonard Miller tells us, The process of writing activates the part of the brain that does the problem-solving and analyzing (the pre-frontal cortex), thereby deactivating the part of the brain where negative emotions like fear and anxiety are created.¹ One study conducted at the University of Texas found that writing about emotions improved physical health and immune function as well.² Other studies performed at UCLA showed that, just like hitting the brakes when you see a yellow light, you also hit the brakes on your emotional responses when you put feelings into words. Labeling fears and emotions decreases the activity in the part of the brain that creates fear and anxiety (the amygdala).³ If you reduce fear, you can be more present, and if you can stay more present, you will stay in problem-solving mode. This enhanced ability to focus grants you immense power in the divorce process.

The couples in my courtroom were willing to write for two reasons. First, I made this exercise a requirement. Second, but more important, they intuitively knew they stood at a turning point in their lives. With uncertainty at its ripest, their fear of the uncharted territory of divorce made them willing to try something different. I don’t like to let these rare opportunities go to waste. Through the Good Karma Divorce, you can have the power these couples found without having to appear in my courtroom. This resource is available to you and is dependent only upon your willingness to create a self-portrait using self-investigation coupled with the intention to reduce pain through more skillful methods. You will see that this writing does more than just reduce pain—it is a way to use your pain.

When you dump your emotions, concerns, and goals on the page, you free up much of the emotional energy you use to manage your feelings. Too often, this emotional content feels like something you chew and chew, but can never quite seem to swallow. With these circular thoughts on paper, you are free to focus on goal-setting and aspirational thinking. Writing will create what you will find is your most formidable ally in the divorce process—what I refer to as your Personal Manifesto. This document will be the tool you use to impose order on the disordered and chaotic experiences and emotions that lie ahead. You may think that goals and life purposes don’t feel relevant to the pain you are in. But not to take command of your life plan is to allow the result to be guided by chance, which is no guide at all.

Physicists who study the nature of disorder believe it is largely predictable. They contend that the one thing you can always be certain of in the universe is an increase in disorder. Our technologically advanced society creates the illusion that we can control our lives. However, disorder is part of the natural order, and never do we feel more disordered than when our relationships and family seem to be falling apart. Here is your trifecta: the laws of natural disorder, the disorder of your own emotions, and the disorder of the emotions of everyone who matters to you. The mathematical odds of behaving in a way that promotes order and harmony may seem stacked against you.

Physicians, sociologists, theologians, psychologists, and philosophers all agree that divorce is one of life’s greatest stressors, second only to the death of a mate or child. When it happens, you are presented with an array of opportunities, on an hourly basis, to decide what path in life you are going to take and which muscle you are going to exercise. Will it be the muscle of revenge and vendetta or is it the potent muscle of compassion and personal evolvement? Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, The most spiritual men, as the strongest, find their happiness where others would find their destruction: their joy is self-conquest.

Do you want to learn the lessons your divorce has to teach you? They are all there for the taking. Even if you believe that meeting your mate was a result of random occurrences, the relationship that resulted has great meaning because of the lessons it yields for you. Your lessons come through the choices you make, and your choices create your character. Elevating your wisdom, applying it, and sharing it with the people around you give meaning to your existence.

Creating a Personal Manifesto will solidify your intention to be the person you want to be, while shedding light on the path you’re traveling and on the actions that got you to this point. It will become the architectural design of the positive path ahead of you and all the potential your future holds.

It is not easy to make this declaration, the essence of which is that every choice you make in life, every small step along the way, matters in your transformation. The high road is not the easiest path in the short run, but it is the least painful, and even when there is pain, you will be able to understand how it can benefit you. That understanding in and of itself reduces pain. Right now it might be easier to watch television than to do the transformational warm-ups that prepare you for a different mode of perception, but a temporary distraction like television will not help you access your power or give you sustained relief. It is often simpler to be reactionary, or just to follow the advice of your neighbor, than it is to take command of oneself. If you do not believe in taking this path just for yourself, then consider it a way to create a better life for your children and to minimize the psychological and emotional damage to them. Whether your mission is your personal enlightenment, protecting your soul from permanent wounds, or minimizing the damage to your children, you will be able to make sense of this tumultuous present and develop a view of the past that gives the future meaning.

A Personal Manifesto, or mission statement, is an organizing principle you will use to develop new perceptions and actions based on the core understanding that your old perceptions and actions may have created the problems you are now experiencing. Your Manifesto will become a sanctuary, a refuge, where you will be protected from the onslaughts of polluted thoughts about your divorce. On those days when you are feeling disconnected from your true self, distanced from your aspirational self (the person you would like to become), and almost completely stripped of optimism and hope, you will have in your drawer your self-made antidote pulling you away from the dark side. You will have created a psychological home that will always be available to you during times of vulnerability. Often the reading of one sentence can trigger a shift in your perspective and bring you back from the brink.

The process of developing your Manifesto creates your first shift in attitude. You will not only be sculpting your aspirational self; you will also be emphasizing positive emotions and qualities you can use to counter negative thought streams. Ultimately you will be able to assign meaning to the pain in your life, and you can start to envision the possibility that pain is not always destructive, but can be transformative. When you see pain in a new light, it changes your relationship to adversity. In time the Manifesto will become your personal doctrine containing your own investigated truth, so that when you refer to it, it will give you moments of inspiration and transcendence.

What Does a Personal Manifesto Look Like?

Let’s start with this: the Personal Manifesto process is highly individualized. Yours won’t necessarily look like anyone else’s. There are no rules, just guidelines to get you started and something I call transformational warm-ups—a series of questions to get you thinking and to shake up your perspective.

Remember, it’s all about figuring out where you are now, then deciding where you want to go and who you want to be when you get there. So shed your inhibitions, discard conventional wisdom, banish fear, and get started.

(If you’re someone who needs to read other chapters first, that’s fine too. Just remember to come back to this chapter when you’re ready. I cannot overemphasize the importance of the physical act of getting the words on paper. The velocity of your journey toward healing and growth depends upon it. I have tested this process hundreds of times, in and out of my courtroom, and it works.)

Your Personal Manifesto can be half a page long or a dozen, although I think once you get started you’ll probably find you have a lot to say. You may find yourself writing things you’ve never articulated to anyone—not even your former spouse or your closest friend. Keep this work in a safe place so you can be brutally honest and completely unself-conscious.

As you begin, expect to create a series of lists, punctuated by the occasional revelatory moments. Don’t stop writing until you get it all out. Grammar doesn’t matter. Neither does spelling or penmanship. No one should ever see these early drafts but you. That being said, this is probably an appropriate place for us to talk about what is discoverable in a divorce action. Many people do not realize that unless it is part of a document you send to or work on with your lawyer, anything you write could be subpoenaed if relevant. This includes your diary, a letter to your sister, even your emails.

Obviously, early rambling drafts of your Manifesto in which you rant, rage, and vent are included. I would destroy the early drafts once you’ve finished with them, particularly if they contain thoughts, self-evaluation, or destructive fantasies you would not want spoken aloud in a courtroom. (However, if a litigant produced documents in my courtroom that showed that his or her former spouse was trying to be a better person and to learn from the divorce, imagine how favorably the creator of those documents would appear—and how mean-spirited the one who had dragged the documents into court.)

You may fear taking on another project—to develop your Personal Manifesto—because you don’t think you have the energy reserves for it. But remember, most of your energy is tied up in your current state of emotional upheaval. Once you transfer your thoughts onto paper something interesting is going to occur neurologically. Your brain, relieved of some of its policing duties, won’t have to fight so hard to impose order on chaos and now it can shift into clarity and creative problem solving.

Before we move on to the transformational warm-ups, I have a few other comments about the process you are about to begin.

1. Your Personal Manifesto will be revised several times before you get to the working document. Do not worry about perfection—striving for perfection can be the insidious enemy of getting this done, particularly because the work to be done is emotional in nature.

2. As you continue with the chapters in this book, further revisions may become necessary or desirable, so don’t focus on getting to that unattainable final product.

3. Some readers may feel what I am describing is nothing more than keeping a journal or diary. Wrong. Journaling over a period of time may be a healthy and revealing habit. However, it differs significantly from the process of creating your Personal Manifesto because although your first draft feels like journaling, that is merely the starting point. The first draft provides the baseline for growth. The next drafts start to layer analysis and revelation on top of experience and emotion, and frankly, that’s where the real power becomes accessible. The reward for this work is not only power, but also strength. Chaos and confusion is the soil from which your Manifesto will be born.

4. The goal of your Personal Manifesto is healing and growth, and for that, you need to document where you’ve been, where you are now, and your aspirations for where (and for whom) you will be tomorrow. This process works, whether we fully understand it or not. The nexus for change appears to be located precisely at the point the words move from thoughts to your hand to the paper or computer screen.

Transformational Warm-ups: Getting Started on Your Personal Manifesto

I am now going to suggest a series of questions designed to get you thinking honestly about your current mental state. Have you ever noticed that we often eulogize someone after death, even if that person meant little to us in life? We do that as individuals, and as a society, even if the person in question led a life not exactly deserving of sainthood. It’s as if the mysterious process of death somehow confers a right to the benefit of the doubt.

However, when the loss is as a result of divorce, we often behave very differently. No matter the rich and velveted moments we may have shared, most of us give in to an irresistible temptation to focus only on the negatives. You’ll often hear me talk about the dangers of writing off an entire relationship just because it ends in divorce. While a former mate may well be replaceable, the moments shared are not. The totality of moments shared with that person carry parts of us that cannot be replaced—ever. Whether we like it or not, that former mate is in our bloodstream, and always will be. In his or her face, we see a mirror of our past. We actually sabotage our own healing when we reduce former partners to mere sound bites, as in My ex-wife is a total bitch, or My first husband was a chronic liar.

As you begin the Personal Manifesto process, allow your writing to recognize both the good and the bad in your experiences with your former mate. Understand that we don’t have to corrupt good memories in order to detach. Allow yourself to take into account your own multi dimensionality as well as that of your spouse. Good thinking can become clogged with sabotaging thoughts and fears. Fears usually fade, but without a way to harness them, they can wreak havoc before they make their exit. Your Manifesto helps you to get a more balanced picture of the data before your story takes on such a negative form that you find it difficult to move beyond it. As you begin your investigation, you want to make sure you have not been tampering with the evidence.

With that observation in mind, let’s start the process of self-discovery. As you think through the following transformational warm-up questions, write out your answers and make notes on how you feel as you are writing, including any insights that emerge.

1. Recall five things about your mate that you once treasured. Write these things down in as much emotional detail as possible, as you will use this information to balance yourself emotionally during periods of conflict and adversity.

2. Write down at least five offenses your mate has inflicted upon you. Did you retaliate? Did you play any role in or have any responsibility for those encounters, no matter how small?

3. List at least five offenses inflicted upon you by your mate that you have not mirrored to either your spouse or others. (Bet you can’t!)

4. Picture and describe the kind of person you want to be now. How do you want to remember yourself five years from now, when you look back at what you were like during your divorce or breakup? Do you want to remember yourself as a whiner, swimming in self-pity, vengeful, and petty? Or as someone who attempted to withstand this difficult transition along with its challenges with