Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Official Guide to Christmas in the South: Or, If You Can't Fry It, Spraypaint It Gold
    The Official Guide to Christmas in the South: Or, If You Can't Fry It, Spraypaint It Gold
    The Official Guide to Christmas in the South: Or, If You Can't Fry It, Spraypaint It Gold
    Ebook66 pages43 minutes

    The Official Guide to Christmas in the South: Or, If You Can't Fry It, Spraypaint It Gold

    By David C. Barnette

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    No place celebrates Christmas like Dixie, and with this charming, humorous guide, anyone can learn how to deck the halls, Southern style

    It's the one time of the year when both the divine and debutantes take center stage in a perfect storm of hot glue and cheese grits: Christmas. But successfully navigating through the holiday season can be more complex than Santa's midnight journey. There are pitfalls hotter than any chimney -- and social situations more slippery than any roof! But now The Official Guide to Christmas in the South has arrived to reveal the finer and sometimes unspoken details of Dixie etiquette.

    Perfect for a true Southerner's coffee table or an imposter's survival guide, The Official Guide to Christmas in the South is the gift that will keep on regifting season after season.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarperCollins
    Release dateOct 6, 2009
    ISBN9780061980626
    The Official Guide to Christmas in the South: Or, If You Can't Fry It, Spraypaint It Gold
    Author

    David C. Barnette

    David C. Barnette celebrates Christmas in coastal Alabama with his wife, Ashley, and daughters Cailey and Sibley. He received his MFA in writing from Vermont College.

    Related to The Official Guide to Christmas in the South

    Related ebooks

    Performing Arts For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      ‘I Like To Think ANYTHING GOES!’

      Aug 3, 2022

      After a few dramatic life twists and turns, including a new job and divorce, I was loving single life and decided to take on a challenge with a new house that required major renovation,’ says Anna. ‘When I found this house in August 2017, I decided o

      5 min read

    • Article

      ‘The Librarianist’ Could Stand To Be Stranger

      Aug 21, 2023

      Bookworm protagonists: O, low-hung literary fruit! The post ‘The Librarianist’ Could Stand To Be Stranger appeared first on The Millions.

      4 min read

    • Article

      Summer Thrills

      Aug 5, 2019

      Summer Thrills
      3 min read

    • Article

      Southern Charm

      Sep 26, 2023

      Southern Charm
      4 min read

    • Article

      Teenage Dream

      Sep 2, 2023

      Teenage Dream
      4 min read

    • Article

      Upgrades Big And Small

      Mar 4, 2022

      From an Italian company that made its name with stylish pro-style ranges: Get one as part of a four-piece Energy Star–rated suite—a 30-inch range, vent hood, fridge, and dishwasher—all at a tasty price. From $7,245; veronaappliances.com Go for the go

      4 min read

    • Article

      Bucket-List Trips

      Nov 1, 2022

      Bucket-List Trips
      4 min read

    • Article

      #book Of The Month

      Nov 21, 2022

      #book Of The Month
      2 min read

    • Article

      Julia Reed’s New Orleans

      Oct 1, 2019

      Julia Reed’s New Orleans
      2 min read

    • Article

      Design Challenge

      Oct 4, 2022

      Design Challenge
      4 min read

    • Article

      All In The Family

      Nov 1, 2022

      All In The Family
      2 min read

    • Article

      Book Club

      Nov 10, 2021

      Book Club
      4 min read

    • Article

      Starter for 10

      Jun 24, 2020

      Starter for 10
      4 min read

    • Article

      Seaside Attraction

      Jun 3, 2021

      Seaside Attraction
      2 min read

    • Article

      Someone Cares

      Jan 28, 2022

      Someone Cares
      2 min read

    • Article

      The Accidental Matriarch

      Nov 25, 2023

      The Accidental Matriarch
      6 min read

    • Article

      Historic Southern Charm

      Sep 28, 2021

      Historic Southern Charm
      2 min read

    • Article

      Fold Up Furniture

      Dec 9, 2020

      Fold Up Furniture
      3 min read

    • Article

      Midnight Madness

      Nov 1, 2022

      Midnight Madness
      2 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Official Guide to Christmas in the South

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Official Guide to Christmas in the South - David C. Barnette

      CHAPTER ONE

      Once-a-Year Opportunity

      The national media portrays the South, impossibly, as the Mecca of both religion and a good party. For once, the national media is right. But there’s more to it than what we see on TV: the Bush twins stumbling out of Austin bars, the Ten Commandments hauled into a state capitol on a front-end loader. What the media should focus on more is that one special time of year when the divine and debutantes all take center stage in a perfect storm of hot glue and cheese grits: Christmas.

      There are certain social needs that can only be met at this special time…

      Advertising the family name. This is the only time of year when five bucks and a poinsettia can get the family name in the church bulletin. Atlanta ad agencies have rarely landed such a captive audience.

      Promoting the family image. From January to Thanksgiving, only real estate agents, attorneys, and hookers can freely distribute photos of themselves. Christmas, however, is open season for the mass mailing of family photos.

      Showing off the house. One of the more bizarre things about life in the South is how a dinner inevitably leads to a tour of the house. This is equally true of antebellum and double-wide homes, each of which have notable features to be highlighted. This is the time of year to show it all off, whether of the garden-district or garden-tub variety.

      Exercising the silver. While Northerners sing about silver bells, Southerners are rigging their kitchen sinks with baking soda and aluminum foil in experimental attempts to clean the sheer volume of silver necessities. The resulting acrid smell has been compared to that of a home perm, and is often masked with the use of potpourri Crockpots.

      The fact that all of this happens only once a year is why a little advance planning takes place. Fortunes of cotton and tobacco weren’t built overnight, and a noteworthy Christmas isn’t planned over Thanksgiving turkey.

      January

      One last party and home tour. Christmas doesn’t officially end until Epiphany. Bargains, however, end around January 2. Call mortgage company and ask to skip January payment. Invest proceeds in marked-down holiday wrapping goods and ornaments.

      February

      Only Mardi Gras is as tacky as Christmas. While spraypainting wingtip shoes gold to wear on a Mardi Gras float, get a

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1