He's Just Not in the Stars: Wicked Astrology and Uncensored Advice for Getting the (Almost) Perfect Guy

CHAPTER 1

Aries, Ex or Next (the Ram, March 21–April 19)

ARIES RUDE-IMENTS

I’m sorry to be the one to break this to you but, when it comes to men—and whether or not they have good relationship potential—you have to look at two things: first, his Venus (love sign). And then his Sun sign (the basis for his personality in general). But with Aries it’s different. There are three things you must consider. Lucky you. After you’ve sorted through the first two—and have thrown out the last of the used tissues—you must ask yourself one necessary, though frightening, question: Is he an Aries with his birthday in March or in April?

Listen to me. Astrologers don’t give you this one big piece of information. Maybe they’re protecting you. Maybe they just don’t want you to throw the baby out with the bathwater (ha!—actually a fitting reference, considering who we’re dealing with here). But you’re gotta know. You simply must:

If he’s an April Aries, okay. Maybe you’ll be okay. If he’s a March Aries (especially one near the Pisces cusp), run! Get out of town! Hop on the bus. Make a new plan, Fran. Be coy, Joy. And set yourself free.

You should know that it’s gonna take your March Aries a little more time to grow up than you’d hoped (like 120 to 130 years longer…you’ll be dead by then), and in the meantime he might even just be a little psychotic and an insensitive bastard (oh, but he may also be good at convincing you, at first, that he’s not). That’s right. He’s Chucky and Chucky Returns. Combined.

I’m not playing around here. There may be a difference between your March guy and your April Aries guy: a straitjacket, designed especially for you.

So I just thought you’d want to know this now, going in. Consider yourself forewarned. Read on, knowing that there’s some hope to make him a decent boyfriend, and I’ll tell you how. Go. Go in peace.

Just remember that Luke resisted the Dark Side. And so can you.

And the things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those that got there first.

STEVEN TYLER

I’m not sure that acting is something for a grown man to be doing.

STEVE MCQUEEN

ARIES TONGUE LASHING

You want me. You know you do.

No I don’t! you insist, lips pursed. It kills you that this man’s got you. You hate it. You hate him. You’re beginning to hate yourself.

Aries man licks his lips, penetrates you with his eyes, and smiles so cockily you’d like to smack him. But you don’t.

Damn, he’s good.

I’m going to kiss you. Now.

No you’re not! you hear yourself whimper, impressed. Damn, he’s sexy. Your head whips around to check if others are listening in on the unfolding scene. You almost wish they were. You giggle, feeling ridiculous for imitating a fourteen-year-old virgin. (Get real. You know he’s gonna do it anyway, but it’s—let’s face it—fun to let him charm the pants off you. Literally.)

I’m going to caress you with my tongue and make your loins ache for me.

Not in front of all these people! you assert, louder now, with conviction. But you’re smiling. Unabashedly. Swooning. Pretending that you don’t like the public displays of affection when, in fact, your knees are jelly under the table. You wish he’d just do it already and shut up.

You love it. You love this man. You see yourself walking down the aisle to him. You see him as the father of your children. You imagine him in the future as the romantic, spontaneous, charismatic fool for you he is now. The love of your life. THE ONE. Showering you with love and affection. Rocking your world in bed and in life.

WAIT! (Record scratches. Violins abate.)

Not so fast. Are you sitting down? Really? Good. Take a deep breath and listen. About your Aries man: Six months of erotic, sexy quicksand. A sinking ship made of lead. Seriously. In the beginning, he’s soooo charming. Then something changes. All of a sudden…

It was so nice to go into this fake courtroom on Ally McBeal. I immediately went up into the judge’s chair. Nice view. A preferable perspective.

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

He wants to be pampered. He wants you to think like he thinks. He wants you to be perfect. Always. He wants his mommy. He wants you to be his mommy and to put him in his place. He wants to see you as his lover, his confidante (his webcam partner—he’s so big…on political issues). The absolute love of his life. He wants. He wants. He wants.

Are you noticing a pattern?

Aries are the children of the zodiac. Make no mistake. That grounded, super-smart, sensitive, moralistic, self-assured man you’ve just nabbed (or are dying to) will cry, whine, and stamp his feet if you take his ducky from the tub.

ARIES: IS HE INTO YOU?

Out of nowhere (and you’re privy to the inane consequences of your actions) you start flipping coins, wondering if it’s going to last. You feel it won’t. You absolutely do. But there’s that little voice inside you saying, Shut up, Goddamn it! I’m doing the best I can here!

Because you just can’t help yourself. Because Aries men are like those little boys who are so cuuute, you just can’t stop staring at them: You know the ones. They make you want to have kids and dress them up in snappy little overalls with preppy starch-collared shirts and parade them all around the park in front of the other jealous mothers.

I don’t think silicone makes a girl good or bad.

JAMES CAAN

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long shot.

CHARLIE CHAPLIN

"Look at him! you screech gleefully, unable to contain yourself. Don’t you just wanna pinch his cheeks and take him home?" And they do want to. Because he’s got something. He’s special. And he knows it.

And so do you. Damn it.

Aries guys can make awful boyfriends because they’re just so easy to fall in love with. They have their good points. The power thing is sexy. The righteousness thing they’ve got going on gives you a sense of security. And it may just be a false sense. He seems like he’s a take-control guy. All roads point to the fact that he can take care of you. This is, alas, perhaps an illusion. Financially, he can. Emotionally, he may just have problems—serious ones. And you need to know this, friend, right now. Listen up: You need to take control.

Neuroses with this guy? Try the following. Get Aries to open up sometime…really open up. Tell him you’re gonna do a role-playing thing. Tell him you’re his mommy and you’d like him to be your baby—your little goo-goo gah-gah wittle boo-boo baby—and you want him to nuzzle your breasts like he’s your little boy. Go ahead, tell him. I’m you mooommmmy. Coo to him. See what he does. Do it.

Aries wants you to be his mommy. And his real mommy, betcha anything, was the strong, in-charge one of the two ’rents. And though he’s actually frightened, terrified of his mother, he’s always fantasized of having a woman just like her.

In truth, Aries man’s entire agenda is to convince you, for the sake of his overindulged, overinflated ego, that he’s the one with the pants in the relationship. But (see above) that’s not really what he wants. Instead, he wants you to be numero uno domination woman—everywhere but in bed. ’Cause he hates feeling like a wuss. Truly hates it. But, as with every rebellious man-child, it’s his innermost desire.

As the girlfriend of an Aries man, you’re secretly surprised how much influence he’s got over you. Nobody else did such a thorough, bang-up job of it. You kinda like it. His flair, charm, and boyish good looks keep you panting like a horny though misguided teenager. He tells you what to do and how to do it. Shockingly enough, you listen to him. He brings out a side of you you’ve never seen before. He’s just plain fun. And a pervert, too…in a good way.

I can’t say I gave up totally my passion for women but almost.

OMAR SHARIF

True, you know he just likes to hear himself talk. But you don’t mind. You know he’s a total control freak. You let him be. You despise the way he barks at others and orders around his posse and those who work for him (though he somehow does it with charm). But it thrills you, too. And you succumb. Because he’s your future. He’s your Future Man in Life…

Well, I have good news for you. Aries men are romantic, loving, sweet, and extremely attentive.

And even Aries men marry, eventually. Some even get married early on (it’s rare but it happens). You can win his heart. If that’s what you truly want. And if Aries is an ex, I’ve got startling advice for you, too.

ADVICE TO THE FUTURE MRS. ARIES

Here’s a story. I have a good friend who nabbed an Aries man who was many years her junior; kind of young for marriage, especially for an Aries: twenty-six. Know how she did it? She worked hard, saved her money, bought a house (without waiting for him), and, once the documents were signed, dated, and stamped, turned to him and said, You in?

He was impressed. In fact, he wanted to live with her in her new house. No way, she told him. Marry me or forget it. He did. Two babies, seven years, and a mortgage almost paid off later, he pays all the bills, she owns the house, and they’re still very happy.

Bottom line: If you’re waiting for Aries to sweep you off your feet, you’re going to wait a long time. You have to take charge and have some balls. Aries is all talk in the beginning. But after he’s conquered you, he can, easily, and without remorse, walk away.

Violence is one of the most fun things to watch.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

If you make a fool of yourself, you can do it with dignity, without taking your pants down. And if you do take your pants down, you can still do it with dignity.

WILLIAM SHATNER

If you do your own thing, though, Aries will follow you like an obedient duckling. Under the bottom line: Aries wants a woman who’s going to stand up to him. He’s the one sign in the zodiac who will not be intimidated by a strong woman. Au contraire, that makes him feel secure.

ADVICE TO THE EX MS. ARIES

If you’ve broken up with an Aries man, I’ve got news that shouldn’t be a huge shocker for you: DO NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. This may work with some other signs, but not him. (Taurus or Pisces, maybe.) I mean it. His complex messed-up sex/(self)-respecting women issues are on par with Cancer or even Gemini man. Just forget it. He’ll be tempted to leave money on the dresser, after, when he leaves.

Instead, I want you to do something: Put the book down. Do it. Put it next to you. Step away from the book. Hands in the air. Slow-ly.

Now go outside. Run around. Wave your arms. Flap them like a pterodactyl. You heard me. Yell Squawk, squawk. Bare your teeth. Grrrr. Jump on one foot. Yell it again, SQUAWK, SQUAWK! Repeat five times. Hop around in a big circle.

Did you do it? Did anyone laugh at you? Now, why is that? ’Cause what you did was silly, immature, and you looked dumb doing it? Right. Now, okay. I’m going to be straight here. Going after an Aries man who doesn’t want you—whether it be a phone call or an e-mail or registered letter, whatever—is as futile as you going outside and squawking like a prehistoric bird with an attitude problem. I mean it.

Futile with a capital F.

I’m a pretty quiet guy, but if people want to think of me as a lady-killer, I guess that’s good.

JAMES WOODS

(And please, please, please, read this whole chapter, at least, before you do anything else stupid. Like plan the wedding before you’ve seen the way he interacts with his mother.) (Yeah, babe. That’s how he’s gonna treat you.)

So…You want to know why you can’t chase after him? Because Sun sign Aries knows what he wants. Or at least he thinks he does. And there is nothing you can do to change his mind. He is completely inflexible, and I don’t mean in bed. He is the fetus of the zodiac. He’s still running around showing off his neat little toys when he’s thirty, forty, or even fifty. He’s aggressive. He takes. He takes what he wants. He’s a hunter—a caveman, still holding a stone-carved knife—and he’s not comfortable unless he’s out getting his own meat.

Capisce?

Listen, you going after him will bring up his biggest deep-seated fear. And he will instantly be nauseated by your attempts to get him back. Here’s your answer: You know how we reject what we see in ourselves that we can’t stand? Yeah. With Aries it’s weakness. Pathetic, whiny weakness. Wimpiness. Please-come-back-to-me-y-ness. Gag. It revolts him. And he’ll cut you off completely when he sees it in you because it absolutely disgusts him when he sees it in himself.

I wish they would only take me as I am.

VINCENT VAN GOGH

You have to love the guy that you play; even if you play the villain, you’ve got to love him.

ANDY GARCIA

Walk away with some dignity. If you call him—or call him and call him—I guarantee you he will never take your phone call again. He’ll rewrite history. He’ll say, "Maybe I used to love you. Maybe. But I have no feelings for you anymore." And that’ll be the end of it. And then you’ll feel like a worthless schmuck instead of the way you should feel—like you’ve just won the ten-million-dollar scratch-off sweepstakes. You now have a chance to find a good boyfriend. ’Cause let’s face it. Aries man is charming, affable, and dastardly, wickedly fun. But did you really want to live with a total control-freak dictator for the rest of your life?

Don’t answer that.

Now brace yourself: I guarantee you—GUARANTEE you—that if you don’t call Aries after you’re broken up, he will call you. The problem is, he’ll call you to:

Sleep with you

Tell you how miserable he is without you (and how he’s so disappointed that you’re, sigh, not good enough for him)

See if you’re still pining for him (out of curiosity)

Check whether anyone’s snatched you up yet (and, by the way, the answer is yes. Hey—you’re not lying. You’re dating yourself. Take a hot bath tonight and pour yourself a glass of Chardonnay. And stop mourning him. Aries man has radar; he’ll sense when you’re not living and breathing solely for him anymore.).

BUT: DO NOT TAKE THIS PHONE CALL. The only way Aries guy will want to get back together with you is if you continually don’t take his phone calls. Seriously. One day, a year from now, he’ll call you out of the blue like nothing happened. He’ll invite you to his office to have sex. And you’ll tell him to go call a 900 number.

And he’ll think about it.

Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person that is your soul mate, and that takes a lot of looking.

MARVIN GAYE

He wasn’t a great father. He was a great musician. That’s always been a touchy one, and it will be until I can find the answer, but I don’t know if there is one.

JULIAN LENNON

SUN/VENUS COMBINATIONS: THE TRUE LOVE POTENTIAL TEST

Now, remember. Venus can only land in five different signs for each of the twelve Sun signs. The descriptions for Aries are forthcoming. First, go look at the Sun/Venus chart in the back of the book. Find his birth date. Write down his Venus. Read the following. If his Venus is in Aries or Aquarius, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Aries Sun, Venus in Aries

I swear to you that this is the worst placement for an Aries man, next to Venus in Aquarius. His idealism in love is quadrupled. He is looking for the PERFECT woman—that is, someone who will never falter; never pass gas, never forget a line from the script he’s so carefully written and crafted for her, never show her weaknesses. She has to be warm and caring, sensible and sensitive, strong and domineering—except with him. (Don’t ever order this Aries around—he’ll ask you to go get him something at the corner deli and then—aw, sh*t, really??—change all the locks.)

Be the strong, silent type, subtle and practical. Never the needy drama queen. Things need to be focused on him—get it? Um, why else would he be in a relationship?

In the beginning he is THE PERFECT CATCH. He’s hot and masculine, yet a nice guy. A hint of slick, but it’s under the surface, so, strangely, it’s a turn-on. That’s what makes him so crafty. Don’t ignore blazing red flags that’ll pop up from the very beginning. He’ll inadvertently uncover some of his flaws on your first date. Actually, he may even brag about them outright, then you’ll never hear him speak of them again. This is him getting stuff off his chest. He’s a real sincere, honest guy, this one. File it away if your two neuroses match. But don’t forget. Ever.

No, it’s not you. It’s him. This man will make you jealous of someone who doesn’t exist: his perfect woman, his ideal goddess. He may even talk incessantly about her. Hey—he’s with you, right? If he does this, get out quickly. Don’t be masochistic. Say to him, in a singsong Glinda-the-Good-Witch-of-the-East voice: Oh-ho. Rubbish. Be gone before someone drops a house on you, too. Then leave.

Ever see Xena? Wonder Woman? Weird Science? Yeah. He wants a mythical creature. I’ll tell you something, though. If you’re faking it—pretending to be his powerful, independent love goddess—and that’s not the real you, he’ll find you out and it’ll be over when he does.

He’s intuitive. He can smell a lie like that big-shnozzed ugly villain guy in Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang can smell kiddies. In fact, lie to him and he’ll delete you from his life with one swift keyboard stroke of his souped-up top-of-the-line Mac.

He is a dictator. I’m telling you, Stalin would look up to this guy.

So do this: Agree with everything he says. Let him repeat himself like he has Alzheimer’s. He does. He will forget your birthday—know this, my friend—and anything remotely important that has been said. In fact, let the whole eerie Groundhog Day–thing work for you. He’ll be impressed that you guessed things he already told you twelve times. He doesn’t even listen when he talks, for God’s sake, so don’t be offended when he doesn’t listen to you.

Maybe that goes along with my personality—it’s white or black, never gray.

WAYNE NEWTON

Oh, one last word of advice: Don’t ever get jealous with this man. Tell him to go out, have fun. He’ll run back to your side. If you’re too possessive, instead, his little-boy I-wanna, I-wanna rebel thing will come out, full force, and he’ll start flirting with other women, just to show you that he can. He’ll turn off his cell phone so that you can’t reach him. Sadly childish, right? Right. This is what I’m saying.

One last thing: The little-boy, funny, sweet thing is so attractive, you may just be severely spoiled by romantic gestures and soul-mate kinda BIG love.

BOYFRIEND POTENTIAL RATING: High if you make it past the six-month mark; that’s a good sign for things to come. Extremely low until he grows up; usually in his forties. Very high scary factor because he’s truly deceptive. When he’s young, he talks on and on about how he wants to get married and start a family. In reality, he’s a better magician than David Copperfield: This is an illusion…. So good, he believes it