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The Secrets Young Women Keep
The Secrets Young Women Keep
The Secrets Young Women Keep
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The Secrets Young Women Keep

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Reveals top secrets, practical insights , dreams, and struggles of young women.

Every young woman has a secret! In The Secrets Young Women Keep, clinical psycologist and New Life Live radio co-host, Dr. Jill Hubbard reveals the top 25 secrets kept by young women, why they keep them, and how they can live more honest, God-honoring lives. It is only through understanding faith that the tremendous power these secrets hold over precious young lives can be broken. Includes true stories of young women as they deal with topics such as:

 

  • Love, dating, and relationships
  • Abuse, drugs, and addictions
  • Superficial beauty, eating disorders, and cutting
  • Depression, deception, and family history

A visual, interactive interior with Q&A, Scripture, quotes, questions, and room for journaling round out this great package.

LanguageEnglish
PublisherThomas Nelson
Release dateSep 9, 2008
ISBN9781418585860
The Secrets Young Women Keep
Author

Dr. Jill Hubbard

Dr. Jill Hubbard is a clinical psychologist and regular co-host on Christian radio's nationally-syndicated New Life Live program. Dr. Jill has gained a reputation for her gentle and insightful style of connecting with radio callers. She is also in private practice where she sees clients who struggle with depression, addictions, eating disorders, and relational and personal growth issues. Dr. Jill lives with her family in southern California.

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    Book preview

    The Secrets Young Women Keep - Dr. Jill Hubbard

    9780785228172_0015_002

    The Top Secrets Young Women Keep

    Your Top Secrets

    1. Family problems

    2. Friends I hang out with

    3. Hating the way I look

    4. I don’t exercise

    5. Popularity at school

    6. Depression

    7. Music I listen to

    8. Having sex

    9. Smoking

    *10. Alcohol use

    *10. Drug use

    11. Ignoring God

    12. Debt/Spending habits

    13. I don’t like myself

    14. Cutting

    15. Cheating in school

    16. Lost my virginity

    17. Eating disorders

    *18. Pregnancy

    *18. Sexual abuse

    19. Fake faith

    *20. Pornography

    *20. Suicidal thoughts

    21. Piercing

    22. Family heritage/race

    23. Speeding ticket

    24. Physical abuse

    25. Tattoos

    *tied on the survey.

    More Secrets

    Online and via letters, you asked that the following be included in this book:

    Bullet I desperately want to be loved.

    Bullet I have no idea what I want to do in life.

    Bullet I want to be the real me.

    Bullet I was raped.

    Bullet I have a hard time saying no to my friends.

    Stepping into a Secret-Free Life: Step 1

    WHAT SECRET

    ARE YOU HIDING?

    my friend Chloe had never been kissed. One day she was riding her skateboard through her neighborhood and saw Brandon, a guy she knew from school. He was kind of cute, and she kind of liked him. And she wondered if maybe he liked her.

    But that was it—for now.

    Chloe stopped to talk, brushing her blonde hair behind her ear. Surprise! Quick as a wink—Brandon planted a wet one right on her lips! Chloe stammered and blushed. She had no idea what to do. Without thinking she did the first thing that came to mind. She closed her eyes and swung. She punched Brandon so hard his nose began to bleed.

    Chloe skated home as fast as she could. The whole situation just felt weird. In her mind she replayed the events of the afternoon. Why had Brandon kissed her in the first place? And why did she react as she did? She felt stupid and embarrassed, like a little kid who throws a tantrum in a toy store. She hoped no one would ever find out.

    It became a small secret, but Chloe resolved to keep it at all costs. Trouble was, a few hours later Brandon’s mom phoned Chloe’s mom. Why did that daughter of yours make my son’s nose bleed? Chloe could hear her angry voice over the phone. Oh no! The secret’s out!

    Chloe’s mom poured her a soda and they talked. The truth came to light. Yeah, she did want a guy to kiss her—some day, but the right guy, and probably not Brandon. She felt a bit taken advantage of by him. And true, maybe she had overreacted by punching him in the face. Maybe there were better ways of telling a guy to cool it.

    IT BECAME A SMALL

    SECRET, BUT CHLOE

    RESOLVED TO KEEP

    IT AT ALL COSTS .

    It felt better to talk about the incident rather than keep everything bottled up inside. Chloe’s mom helped her figure out some things to say if kids found out at school. It was no big deal, just a misunderstanding—stuff like that.

    Chloe also decided to write an e-mail to Brandon to apologize for punching him—he was a friend, after all. In the e-mail Chloe said she was sorry. But she also outlined some good boundaries of what Brandon—as a friend—was allowed (and not allowed) to do. Kissing was definitely out.

    At least for the time being, Chloe thought.

    While Chloe’s situation resulted in what might seem like an insignificant secret, it illustrates how secrets happen. And although Chloe didn’t realize it, she was learning ways to avoid the habit of secret keeping.

    We’ve all got secrets—good ones and bad ones. Most of the secrets we’ll be dealing with in this book are of a more serious nature—the kind that make our lives more difficult, those that have a way of controlling us, that bottle up fear and embarrassment. These secrets add to the stress and pressure we feel every day. If it’s a big enough secret, it can actually destroy us.

    How about in your life? What kinds of secrets do you have? What would you absolutely never want anybody to hear about you?

    "Everything that is hidden will be shown, and

    everything that is secret will be made known. What

    you have said in the dark will be heard in the light,

    and what you have whispered in an inner room will be

    shouted from the housetops."—LUKE 12:2–3

    What’s the truth about secrets?

    Not all secrets are bad. A good secret might be safeguarding a password on an e-mail account, or not revealing the inside scoop on a surprise party. The Bible tells us (Matthew 6:2–6) that we shouldn’t be showy with our prayers or brag about what we do for other people. Those are secrets we need to keep just between God and us.

    But some secrets definitely hurt us when we keep them. These secrets are in our lives because we feel embarrassed or ashamed, or maybe we feel that revealing them might cause us or others harm.

    Those are the types of secrets we focus on in this book.

    If you’re a Christian, sometimes you might feel pressured to be perfect all the time: don’t swear, don’t smoke, don’t listen to the wrong music, be happy all the time, go on mission trips, and be on the youth group leadership team.

    So that’s another reason we keep secrets: to cover up our faults. On the surface it makes sense—it’s extremely uncomfortable for us to have our weaknesses, failings, or disappointments on parade for others to see.

    But the truth is that everyone makes bad choices from time to time. Everyone sins and falls short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). The good news is that as God works in our lives he transforms us into who we need to be. We don’t have to walk around with our stomachs tied in knots, trying to be perfect all the time. We don’t have to live secret-filled lives.

    I’m not saying that everyone has to know our secrets. But sometimes when we mess up, we feel guilty about it and begin to plant the seed of a secret. As we water that guilt, the secret grows (sometimes sprouting more secrets). And the more it grows, the easier it is for the enemy to use our guilt to keep us feeling shameful, unworthy, and not good enough. Soon, we feel like we’re living dark, lonely, and worthless lives. As long as we stay in the dark with our secrets, we allow the enemy to keep us mired in muck. And that keeps us from becoming who God wants us to be. That’s the way Lauren felt.

    Is there any worse feeling than getting dressed up just to be let down? Awhile ago this boy—who I really thought was cute—asked me out. I was so excited. I got all dressed up—you know, the perfect lip gloss, mascara, concealer, perfume, cute clothes, painted nails, straightened hair—and caught a ride to the coffee shop where we were supposed to meet. Time passed and he didn’t show up. I just sat there staring at my cell phone, hoping and praying that it wasn’t all just a big joke on me.

    As I sat there, I thought about what I should do. Maybe I should text him and have the last word. At least I’d save my pride or get some response from him. I could say something like, Hey, I think I’m going to hang out with my friends tonight; maybe another time. I felt so tempted to hate this boy. Or at the very least hold a grudge.

    This is what I decided to do: Sitting in that booth, I vowed I would never tell anyone about this night. And I would never put myself in this position again. I would never be hurt like this again—ever.

    I’m glad Lauren shared her secret here. But do you see the power her secret has had over her? It’s true, she was genuinely hurt—but instead of talking out this issue with a trusted friend, she’s vowed to hold her pain inside. Through her secret fear that this guy’s behavior was a shameful statement about her, she’s allowed her pain to enclose her and cut her off from all future opportunities. She believes she’s protecting herself, but really her secret is keeping her from seeing herself as God sees her and living the life he wants her to live.


    9780785228172_0020_006

    64% of you think it is sometimes okay to keep a secret. 11% said it is always okay. 3% said it is never okay to keep a secret.


    Bringing our secrets out of the dark and into the light can allow us to gain perspective. When we identify and tell our secrets, we see that we’re not alone. We understand that regardless of how bad the secret is, it doesn’t have to define us. We are still loved and lovable. And we can continue to become the person God wants us to be.

    Know your secret.

    Some secrets come from everyday experiences, such as Lauren’s, while others develop and become rooted over time. These secrets can become like monsters in your life, big stop signs that keep you from moving forward. But you always have a choice of whether to give the secret power over your life.

    Right now, all I want you to do is identify the secret (or secrets) you have in your life. As surprising as it sounds, I don’t want you to do anything about the secret just now. Revealing your secret is not always as straightforward as it sounds. Sometimes it’s best to share thoughts and feelings, and other times it’s best to keep the secret for a while longer. You have to know who you can trust, and when it’s safe to share your secret.

    We’ll talk about who you share your secret with, and when to share, later in the book. But for now, just take some time and think about the secrets you have in your life. Write down those secrets that come to mind in the space that follows, either here or in a separate notebook. Maybe you will want to write a bit about how the secret came to be or how the secret formed over time. Or even how one secret snowballed into more secrets. Maybe you just want to write one word to help name your secret and bring it to light. You can list all your secrets or just name the secret that started them all. It’s up to you, because this is to help you! So when you’re ready, go ahead and name it (or them).

    One step at a time.

    This is the first step to living a secret-free life. Write down your thoughts in the space that follows or in your private notebook.

    My secret(s) is (are)

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    I hide my secret(s) because

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    My secret(s) started because

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    ___________________________________________________

    My prayer is

    ___________________

    ______________________________________

    ______________________________________

    ______________________________________

    Amen.

    secret #1

    My family is messed up.

    we don’t get to choose which harmful problems we’ll face, but we do get to choose how we will react. Tara chose to keep a secret about her family, and eventually that secret ballooned into more secrets and she began harming herself.

    THE SECRET ___________________________________

    Tara’s Story

    Five days after my thirteenth birthday, my father walked out. He chose to leave while I was at school, so I never even had the chance to say goodbye. This loss left a huge void in my life, a void I couldn’t figure out how to fill. Then, without my father’s income, my mother and I had to move in with my grandparents. I felt embarrassed not to have a home of our own anymore. It seemed the harder I tried to trust in God, the worse my life seemed to get.

    Like a lot of kids in this situation, I blamed myself for my father leaving. I was upset and angry. Rather than seeking help, I began to act out. In less than a year, I became bulimic. Then when I was about 15, I began experimenting with cutting. Soon the cutting replaced my bulimic activities.

    That was several years ago now. With help, I chose to end my secret and talk about how I felt about things. I realized that I was not the reason my father left. I know now that God is always at work in my life, working for my good—I just didn’t always notice the people he’d placed around me who were willing to help. I’ve stopped cutting myself and I’m not bulimic anymore. Now I see how God has placed an amazing calling on my life, even though I’ve been through some tough times, and for the first time I’m beginning to fully trust in him.

    UNLOCKING THE SECRET ________________________

    The absolute top response we received from the SYWK national survey on secrets was Problems in the family.

    I know firsthand how hard it can be to have a family that looks and feels messed up. For many years I, too, lived in a single parent home. I know how easy it is for kids to blame themselves or feel pulled in two directions when their parents split up.

    I also know that having your parents split isn’t the only problem that families have in this category. Every family has its own share of challenges—some are more painful than others. Problems in the family can include a long list of issues. Maybe your parents fight a lot. Or maybe your mom is an alcoholic. Maybe your dad lost his job. Or maybe one of your parents suffers from depression or a chronic illness. Maybe you’re in a blended family with half or step brothers and sisters. Maybe your family members are of different races or nationalities or don’t speak English, and it’s difficult for them to understand the cultural environment you face at school each day.

    EVERY FAMILY HAS

    ITS OWN SHARE

    OF CHALL ENGES—

    SOME ARE

    MORE PAINFUL

    THAN OTHERS.

    What’s the pain level like in your family? Is this your secret? Perhaps you feel as Tara felt, that no one else would understand what you’re going through. Or maybe you feel alone and unable to talk to anybody about this?

    Here’s the truth: No matter how strange you might think your secret is, someone will be able to empathize with your situation. You are never all alone. And although you might not be in control of the situation, you can be in control of your reaction. You might not be able to change your family, but you can change how you respond to the situation.

    In Tara’s case, she was angry, but she didn’t know how to express her anger in an appropriate way. So she kept the anger buried deep inside, and the only way she allowed it to surface was through cutting.


    9780785228172_0020_006

    How hard is it to talk about your feelings?

    Only 4% of you said talking about feelings is easy.


    Being able to express anger appropriately is important for a healthy lifestyle. That takes working through the problem with someone you trust, understanding your struggles, and learning to forgive the person(s) who had hurt you.

    Ultimately, Tara learned to handle her anger in healthier ways, such as talking about the way she felt—which led to her ability to stop cutting. But there wasn’t a magic solution. It took some time for her to learn to express her anger. And she wasn’t able to forgive her father overnight. First, she had to learn it was okay to disagree with some of the choices he made. She had to see that she could still love him even though he wasn’t all good and made many mistakes, and that loving and forgiving didn’t mean she was okay with how he hurt her and her family. She learned what she could count on from her dad and what she couldn’t, and how to speak up for herself more. God did not waste this situation in Tara’s life, but used it to help her

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