100 Days on the Road to Grace: A Devotional for the Sexually Broken

There Is Hope

. . . for He Himself has said, I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5b

Where has the lie of sexual sin taken you? Is your marriage teetering on the edge of a dangerous precipice? Maybe you’re in a legal predicament. One married attendee of our men’s group solicited an undercover cop posing as a prostitute, adding the prospect of jail time and a big fine to the consequences of his sin. Perhaps you’re suffering in isolation, struggling desperately to break free from a habit that has mercilessly ruled your life for years.

No matter what your situation, there is hope. God promises that He will never leave us; when the Creator of the Universe says never, we can bank on it.

Peter is my favorite disciple. His sin of denying Christ three times — he added cursing in the last instance — has to one of the biggest and most wretched failures in history. After Jesus was killed, I can’t help wonder if Peter thought it was all over. He had vehemently denied the Son of God . . . and now Jesus was gone. Since Peter didn’t have a Bible that would tell him his sins were forgiven by the blood of the cross, where would hope come from?

Peter’s shame must have been great; the other disciples would have known of his failure, and word would have spread through the church. Perhaps he feared they would judge him as Job’s three friends did. Then there was the spiritual battle. The devil must have been pouring it on, whispering in his ear, It’s over . . . you’ve gone too far . . . you’ll never be used by God again. How could God ever forgive you for what you’ve done? There’s no hope, so why not end your life now? It wouldn’t be hard to imagine Peter fearing an eternal destiny in hell.

Yet when all hope was lost for Peter, Jesus rose from the dead — and restored him. We don’t know the details of every conversation Jesus had with Peter after the resurrection, but it appears that all Peter had to do was be willing to humble himself and not give up on pursuing Jesus, regardless of his sin.

To Peter’s credit, he didn’t isolate himself from the church. When Mary told the disciples that Jesus was alive, Peter was there. When the disciples were fishing and Jesus called to them from the shore, Peter was there. Isolation would have been a deadly mistake. Without the support and prayers of his friends, the despair, fear and shame might have overwhelmed Peter.

No matter where you are, there is hope. If Jesus restored a man for denying Him three times, He can restore you. No matter what happens, keep seeking God, stay out of isolation, and never give up. No matter what happens in the future, you have the same hope of abundant forgiveness and restoration that Peter did — along with God’s promise that He’ll never leave you.

No Compromise

I will set no worthless thing before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not fasten its grip on me.

Psalms 101:3

The psalmist’s tone in this verse is one of fierce determination that says, I’m not playing games with sexual sin; I hate it, and it will not be my master. Let’s look at four components of this verse.

I will set . . . The psalmist takes complete responsibility for what is before his eyes. He doesn’t blame his wife, his circumstances, other people or his job for past failures or present temptations. It’s not the internet’s fault for offering porn, or his TV’s problem for piping sexually explicit programs into his home. Whether his sexual relationship with his wife is good or bad is irrelevant. To the extent that he is in control of his circumstances, the psalmist will be firm in his stand to do what is right. He will not compromise.

". . . No worthless thing before my eyes." The psalmist leaves no room for lust to capture his eyes. Anything that might cause him to sin gets thrown out, no matter the cost. Movies with sexual content are not tolerated. Porn websites are blocked. Strip clubs are avoided like the plague — so are the wrong women. It’s better to do without and walk free than live in bondage to shame and depravity.

I hate the work of those who fall away. Lust isn’t a puppy dog, wagging its tail for a bone; it’s a savage wolf that steals, kills, and destroys. The psalmist hates it. He hates the ruptured families, broken lives, shame, and misery that sexual sin causes. He’s seen the misery and destruction in the lives of others who’ve gone too far. He knows of the tragic tales in the Bible, such as that of Samson, where the pursuit of a few moments of pleasure cost him everything. Indeed, he knows that lust could destroy his life as well.

It shall not fasten its grip on me. The Cheshire cat grins as it sets the trap: A little porn won’t hurt you; it’s just pictures. If you take the bait, the desire for more or bigger and better sets in. Boundaries are crossed, risks are taken, until eventually, it happens. Your wife finds out. Maybe your daughter stumbles onto pictures on the computer, or you’re exposed by the company’s monitoring software.

Success in the battle starts with an attitude of no compromise, one that says, I will set no worthless thing before my eyes. Anything less is a game of Russian roulette — with five bullets in the chamber.

War

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.

Romans 7:15

Once we decide to stop sinning, war breaks out. In the realm of sexual sins, it is even more so. First, our flesh, which has gorged on sexual immorality for years, screams in rage. The cravings for a lust hit intensify to the point where we feel like an alcoholic going through withdrawals. Our emotions, once buried under layers of lust, spring loose and go haywire in fits of anger and depression. Stirred into the mix are sexual images from the past which buzz our mind constantly and swatting at them only seems to make it worse.

Then there’s the spiritual battle. The enemy, who’s been used to playing us like a marionette, kicks it into overdrive. Pssst . . . look at her. She’s beautiful . . . wouldn’t a little porn be good right now? Just a little fantasy won’t hurt. The spiritual battle effects your circumstances negatively, adding stress in the marriage and friction at work. The enemy does everything he can to push us to the point of giving in again to the old medication.

Compounding the problem is the reality that we’re fighting against something we like, even though we hate what it does to us — that wretched shame hangover lasts far longer than the short-lived pleasure of the act. Knowing that giving in is so much easier than resisting makes life miserable. We wonder, Is it really worth it?

What is the answer? In Romans 7, Paul exclaims, Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

The good news is that the God we serve is infinitely bigger than the weakness of our flesh — or the enemy. By His grace and mercy, we will stand firm as we engage in the right actions of soaking our minds in God’s word, praying often (praying through the Psalms can be of great help), going to support groups, getting as far away from temptation as possible, making phone calls, and/or visiting a counselor.

If failure occurs, we take it to the cross. We refuse to let shame drag us down further into a pit of despair. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). We take God at His word and keep pressing forward one battle at a time.

‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’ says the Lord of hosts.

Zechariah 4:6

Wait on the Lord

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him . . .

Psalms 37:7

In our culture of instant gratification, waiting — for anything — goes against the grain. We want what we want and we want it now. For those who struggle with sexual sin, the selfishness that characterizes our day courses through our veins. Wife won’t give me sex? I’ll take matters into my own hands and have it now, with porn, myself, or another woman.

Waiting on the Lord is a way of life that forces us to look up. If my wife isn’t in the mood for physical intimacy, I can choose to respond in spite, or I can wait on the Lord. God is sovereign. He reigns over every detail of life — including my sex life. To wait on Him is about far more than learning patience. It is choosing to see life through God’s eyes from a place of humble surrender to His will and purpose.

In the process of waiting, there is a treasure trove of wisdom to be discovered. When my wife is not in the mood for sex, I look up and ask the Lord how He wants me to see the situation. The answer may not come immediately, but I choose to wait for it. When God does speak, either through an impression, His word, or a friend, often His counsel is to focus on what’s going on with my wife. Is she hurting? Had a rough day? Have I been loving her like I should? Is anything between us? How has our communication been? Have we been talking on a heart to heart level, or have I been treating her like a roommate — or a sex object?

Waiting on God takes me to a deeper place of trust. Since I often botch it up when I try to force circumstances to work out my way, giving the Lord room to operate is the smart option. As I release control and let Him take over, something weird happens — I start to relax, even in the toughest circumstances. Maybe this is why resting and waiting are bound together in Psalms 37:7.

Waiting is not passive. As I wait, I continue to seek God’s counsel, along with that of my trusted friends. I work on doing the things that are commanded in God’s Word, such as loving my wife, providing for my family, staying out of isolation, and doing whatever it takes to crucify my flesh and live free from lust.

When life doesn’t make sense, I wait on Him to work it out for me. In the process, I exchange man’s wisdom and ways for God’s. Men — including even my Christian brothers — might advise me to move forward with my plans, while the Lord could be saying, I have another way. If we don’t check with Him first and wait for the answer, we may miss out on blessings — or needed direction.

As I watch God show up and work, my faith grows. Life becomes an adventure, and challenging circumstances are opportunities to grow and see God at work.

So the next time you’re tempted to be manipulative, pine for your way, or be controlling, step back, take a step of faith, and wait on the Lord. You may catch a glimpse of Him along the way.

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.

Lamentations 3:25

Rebuilding Trust, Part 1

. . . but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ.

Ephesians 4:15

Lying always accompanies sexual sin. If the deceit is not overt (No Honey, I haven’t looked at porn for a long time.), it is covert — pretending to be something we’re not. As the bondage to lust increases, so do the lies. Once the mask comes off and others, especially those closest to us, who get hurt the most, discover that we’ve been deceiving them, all faith in our character collapses. Relationships are built on trust. The risk of getting hurt, betrayed, or let down again can be too great for the offended one to try and stay in the relationship.

When the truth comes out and a marriage is crushed under the weight of adultery, either with porn or another woman, a wife’s anger at the lies can be as great as the pain caused by the sexual sin. This is why the most critical component of rebuilding the foundation of a marriage is often to stop all lying, hiding, or cheating. If she can’t trust you to tell the truth, it will be extremely difficult for her to open her heart again and love.

In addition, God commands those of us who are Christians to be men of truth. Lying about Sarah’s relationship got Abraham in trouble multiple times (Genesis 20), to the point where he could have lost his wife. Being a man of integrity isn’t an option for those who want to serve Christ; it’s a must.

In the early stages of rebuilding trust, revealing the whole truth to your wife can seem like stepping into a hornet’s nest. She may ask questions you don’t want to answer, and when you do, her responses might make it feel like you’re getting beat up for doing the right thing. (Of course, if there had been no adultery in the first place this wouldn’t have been needed.) As you answer her questions, do so truthfully, but in love. Don’t be defensive when she expresses her hurt, anger, or disappointment. Although the process can be rough, speaking the truth in love is the first step back to her heart. You want her to express her pain and anger. If she doesn’t, there is a danger she might suppress her feelings and harden her heart. Your marriage can’t recover if your wife doesn’t heal.

There is freedom in the truth. What a relief it is to cease from hiding sin, faking the Christian walk, and trying to cover our tracks. We no longer need to pretend we’re the good Christian, which we could never be. Our wives may never see us as a knight in shining armor again, but hopefully they will see us as we are: broken and in desperate need of God’s grace — and their forgiveness.

In the end, speaking the truth in love involves making a determined choice of humility over pride. It is this choice that opens the door to the grace we so desperately need.

And all of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, for God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.

1 Peter 5:5

Our Greatest Need

When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions.

Colossians 2:13

After David committed adultery with Bathsheba and then murdered her husband, his greatest need was in finding forgiveness. Without God’s pardon, there would be no hope. Peter had the same desperate need. Without forgiveness for denying Christ, his eternal destiny would have been hell.

When I was in bondage to sexual immorality, the voices of shame and condemnation would often drown out the truth. I would go to God, groveling, hoping that He would forgive me. Since my prayers were met with silence — I wanted to hear Him say, I forgive you. — the end result was discouragement.

Colossians 2:13 tells us that God forgives us for all of our sins. In my case, all includes every time I acted out with porn, masturbated, committed adultery, was harsh to my wife, had sex with a prostitute, and failed repeatedly to change. It even includes the night I made a vow to the Lord that I would not act out again, only to fall moments later. For the believer, there is no sin that the blood shed on the cross doesn’t cover. Nothing can change God’s faithfulness to the promises in His Word.

I have learned that his faithfulness is most amazing. I have blown it badly many times in my life. There have even been instances where I had committed a sin so wretched that I’d thought the Lord had abandoned me. When I had nothing to offer God but a pitiful admission of sin, He showed up and proved to me through His Word that I was still His child. God doesn’t give up on us,