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    The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude
    The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude
    The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude
    Ebook213 pages3 hours

    The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude

    By P. M. Forni

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    About this ebook

    The acclaimed author of The Choosing Civility returns to the subject of common decency and thoughtful behavior.

    Many of us find ourselves confronted with rudeness every day and don't know how to respond. From the intrusive cell-phone user who holds loud conversations in public to the hostile highway driver who cuts one off with a quick swerve of his car, politeness seems to be on a downward spiral, surprising us at every turn.
    P.M. Forni, the author of Choosing Civility, has the answer. He knows that rudeness begets rudeness and, in The Civility Solution, shows us what to do when confronted with bad behavior by being assertive as well as civil. In more than one hundred different situations, he shows us how to break the rudeness cycle by responding to a variety of confrontations from bullying to rude internet behavior or the hurtful words of an insensitive family member. How would you respond to the following?

    …A salesperson ignores your requests
    …A fellow driver gives you the infamous "finger"
    …Your child's playmate misbehaves
    …Your boss publicly reprimands you

    P. M. Forni has solutions for all of these and many more. In yet another simple and practical handbook, P. M. Forni presents logical solutions that reinforce good behavior and make our world a more civil place.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMacmillan Publishers
    Release dateApr 1, 2010
    ISBN9781429945578
    The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude
    Author

    P. M. Forni

    Dr. P.M. Forni (1951-2018) was an award-winning professor of Italian Literature at Johns Hopkins University. In 2000 he founded The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins and taught courses on the theory and history of manners. He is the author of Choosing Civility: The Twenty-five Rules of Considerate Conduct (2002), The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude (2008) and The Thinking Life: How to Thrive in the Age of Distraction (2011). Reports on his work have appeared on The New York Times, The Times of London, The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, and The Los Angeles Times. He has been a on a number of radio and television shows, including ABC's World News Tonight, CBS Sunday Morning and BBC's Outlook. He lived in Baltimore, Maryland.

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    • 4/5
      This is an excellent book that describes why people are rude, how it affects people, and what to do about it. This type of book should be in the professional collections of a workplace. Working in a service industry, this would be an essential book to read on how to handle and diffuse rude situations. It even provides hypothetical scenarios in the second half of the book. I would re-word some of the text in actual usage, not so much in the actual words used, but in how it is presented. I think another review said it sounded patronizing and I would agree. If presented differently, using the same carefully crafted words so that it doesn't escalate the situation, would be just as helpful. I think this book had the best description on what causes rudenessWhen people are Stressed, Unhappy, Rushed they become rude. There were some other excellent descriptions of what causes rudeness:Individualism and lack of restraint (I'm more important than you or the group)Inflated Self-worthLow Self-worthMaterialismMental Health ProblemsInjusticeStressAnonymityNot needing othersAngerFearWhat does rudeness do?It adds to stressIt erodes self-esteemIt is bad for all kinds of relationshipsIt poisons the workplaceIt escalates into violenceEight Rules for a civil life1. Slow down and be present in your life2. Listen to the voice of empathy3. Keep a positive attitude'4. Respect others and grant them plenty of validation5. Disagree graciously and refrain from arguing6. Get to know the people around you7. Pay attention to the small things8. Ask, don't tellHow to improve your likability quotientSet the mood, draw people out, be predictable (loyal and dependable), criticize thoughtfully, do not wait for people to ask for your help, appreciate what others do for you, never say anything mean spirited. In dealing with rudeness:State the factsInform the other person of the impact he or she had on youRequest that the hurtful behavior not be repeated
    • 4/5
      Our America is just crying out for a book like that. We Americans are rude. Have we always been this way? Or is it just our increased number of human interactions that make for more rudeness. In any case, Forni takes on every possible case of rudeness and proposes what we are to do about it. His fundamental approach: confrontation, albeit gentle confrontation. His solutions did not seem plausible to me. I find it almost impossible to imagine that someone who spits in public would completely change their behavior when approached by a stranger and gently scolded. I found him to be on spot when he spoke about things we can do in our own lives to rein in our own rude behaviors. He suggests that we slow down, become empathetic, remain positive, respect others, disagree graciously, become familiar with those around us, watch small things in our lives, and ask rather than telling.

    Book preview

    The Civility Solution - P. M. Forni

    A List of the Situations

    Presented in Part Two

    THE NEAR AND NOT SO DEAR:

    SPOUSES, FAMILY, AND FRIENDS

    Your Spouse Takes Your Housework for Granted

    Your Spouse Criticizes You in Public

    Your Relatives Ask You Intrusive Questions

    You Receive Unwanted Help

    Your Grandmother Revisits Your Weight Problem

    Your Mother-in-Law Criticizes You

    Your Mother-in-Law Gives Backhanded Compliments

    A Relative Slights You and Your Child

    A Houseguest Becomes a Problem

    Your Child Interrupts an Adult Conversation

    Your Child Talks Back to You

    Your Child Needs to Learn to Respect Persons with Disabilities

    Your Child Hurts Another Child’s Feelings

    A Child Utters an Insensitive Remark

    You Have Jealous and Controlling Friends

    A Friend Is Interested Only in Herself

    A Friend Bypasses You When Offering Your Child a Job

    A Friend Proves Unreliable

    A Friend Won’t Take No for an Answer

    A Friend Hurts Your Feelings

    Your Children’s Playmate Misbehaves

    An Invited Guest’s Health Problem Becomes Your Problem

    THE NEIGHBORS—NOISY, NOSY, AND NICE

    A New Neighbor Changes the Rules

    The New Neighbors Are Noisy

    A Neighbor’s Dog Soils Your Lawn

    A Neighbor Fails to Control His Aggressive Dog

    A Disruptive Child Is Ruining Your Restaurant Meal

    A Cell Phone Caller Is Ruining Your Restaurant Meal

    Relentless Chitchat Is Ruining Your Concert

    People Are Rude at the Gym

    A Supermarket Customer Breaks the Express Lane Limit

    A Supermarket Customer Advances in Line Unfairly

    WORKPLACE WOES

    Your Boss Reprimands You in Public

    Your Colleague in the Next Cubicle Is Noisy

    Your Colleague Takes Over a Shared Office

    A Supplier Won’t Respond

    A Colleague Makes Personal Phone Calls While Working with You

    A Colleague Interrupts All the Time

    A Colleague Takes Credit for Your Work

    A Colleague Keeps Shifting Blame

    A Colleague Won’t Chip In

    A Colleague Singles You Out for Rude Treatment

    You Seem Invisible to Your Supervisor

    You Hear Offensive Jokes

    A Colleague Leers at You

    An IT Specialist Is Being Difficult

    An IT Specialist Continues to Be Difficult

    A Leader Lacks Relational Skills

    A Supervisor Is Being Unfair

    You Are the Victim of a Snide Remark

    A Relentless Charity Pusher Is Back

    Colleagues Make You Feel Guilty About Your Illness

    Colleagues Ask You Intrusive Political Questions

    A Co-worker Attacks You on Account of Your Political Ideas

    ON THE ROAD, IN THE AIR, AND

    ABOARD THE TRAIN

    Another Driver Is Tailgating You

    Another Driver Prevents You from Changing Lanes

    Another Driver Steals Your Parking Space

    The Infamous Finger Makes an Appearance

    You Are at the Receiving End of Intemperate Honking

    Another Driver Yells at You

    Yet Another Driver Yells at You

    A Nondisabled Driver Has Taken Your Disabled-Designated Parking Spot

    Someone Cuts in Line Just Ahead of You

    On a Plane, a Fellow Passenger Is Exceedingly Chatty

    On a Plane, Fellow Passengers Hog the Armrests

    On a Plane, a Fellow Passenger Invades Your Space

    On a Plane, Parents Don’t Make an Effort to Keep Their Child Quiet

    On a Plane, Parents Ignore Their Child Kicking Your Seat

    A Flight Attendant Snaps at You

    Someone Asks Your Permission to Cut in Line

    A Loud Passenger Spoils the Quiet in the Quiet Car

    A Passenger Is Occupying Two Seats on a Crowded Train

    Fellow Train Passengers Keep Cursing in Front of Your Child

    THE WORLD OF SERVICE

    A Salesperson Ignores You

    A Phone Customer Receives Precedence over You

    Your Salesperson’s Attitude Is Not What You Expect

    A Simple Purchase Turns into a Disclosure of Your Personal Data

    Your Salesperson Does Not Respect Your Privacy

    You Are Stuck with an Overzealous Waitress

    A Restaurant Fails a Hygiene Test

    You Receive Very Inadequate Restaurant Service

    You Are Made to Wait an Unreasonably Long Time at Your Doctor’s Office

    You Receive a Dinnertime Solicitation via Telephone

    You Receive a Smart-Alecky Reply

    DIGITAL COMMUNICATION

    You Receive a Rude E-Mail

    An E-Mail Message Makes You Uncomfortable

    Someone Improperly Handles Your E-Mail

    Someone Else Improperly Handles Your E-Mail

    Friends Send You Too Much E-Mail

    Your Spouse Is Too Connected

    Your Colleagues Are Too Connected

    A Guest Hogs the Computer in the Hotel’s Business Center

    A Stranger Wants to Borrow Your Computer

    People Fail to Respect Your Privacy

    A Colleague Needs to Show More Respect to Your Staff

    A Business Associate Needs a Basic Course in E-Mail Etiquette

    A Chat Group Member Creates a Problem

    An Unwelcome E-Mailer Emerges from Your Past

    Preface

    IF ANYTHING CHARACTERIZES THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, IT’S OUR INABILITY TO RESTRAIN OURSELVES FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

    —James Katz

    This is how Marci recalls the one encounter with rudeness that sticks in her mind:

    "Needing to run a quick errand before work, I threw on a business suit and ran out the door. Driving north on a wide through street, I climbed a small hill to a stoplight. A man in another car was waiting for me to pass so he could pull out of his subdivision. I did pass and then stopped at the red light a few yards up to make a left turn. The man pulled up alongside me to turn right at the light and leaned out of his window. The nasty expletive exploded from his lips. It was pure spite delivered with shocking bluntness. At least the kids weren’t in the car to hear him. Shaken, I began to tremble—not with anger but with the sting of an unexpected wound.

    "Why me? Why such an extreme reaction? Didn’t he see I was just a working mom, driving my minivan to work? I wasn’t ignorant or inconsiderate, selfish or dim-witted, and I certainly was not what he called me! The unfairness of it all hit me. Should I follow this man and at the first opportunity demand an explanation?

    Maybe offer an apology? No, better to do my errand and get to work. I began to cry.

    I felt so abused, so punished, so violated, so deeply hurt, and eventually very angry that I could not defend myself. The incident affected me for days afterward. The next time I climbed that hill to the stoplight, I looked around to see what I might have done to cause the outburst. Eventually, after a long time, I realized it was more the man’s problem than mine.

    Marci’s tale is unusual only because she never did find out what caused the stranger’s outburst. Her emotions, however, are quite familiar. All of us have been shocked by people behaving rudely. Rude relatives, bosses, co-workers, fellow drivers, and strangers in literally all circumstances of life have made us feel at fault, helpless, and angry. We have bristled at the unfairness of their attacks and at times endured lingering hurt. Clearly a problem in the lives of individuals (with negative effects not only for its victims but also for its perpetrators), rudeness is also a social problem with costs estimated in the billions of dollars.

    Rudeness may be everybody’s everyday problem, but millions remain unprepared for their encounters with it. This book aims to help you find exactly what rudeness is and how it works. Most important, you will learn how to defend yourself effectively and civilly from its daily challenges. Being civil is the sterling strategy for rudeness prevention. If you are respectful and considerate, most of the people with whom you come in contact will be motivated to be the same in return. When rudeness can’t be prevented, civility is still your best choice, as the stories that follow show over and over again.

    Although we cannot hope to ban rudeness from our lives altogether, we can limit both its occurrences and its impact. When we handle it well, we feel good about ourselves and reap other substantial benefits, such as healing wounded relationships. Being prepared is half the solution to any problem. Put this book to work for you, and never let rudeness catch you unprepared again.

    PRECISELY BECAUSE RUDENESS IS QUITE COMMON, IT IS NOT A TRIVIAL ISSUE. INDEED, IN OUR DAY-TO-DAY LIVES IT IS POSSIBLY RESPONSIBLE FOR MORE PAIN THAN ANY OTHER MORTAL FAILING.

    —Emrys Westacott

    OUR ABILITY TO DEAL WITH RUDENESS IS SOMEHOW RELATED TO HOW WE HANDLE GRIEF, AND THE SERIES OF STEPS THAT WE GO THROUGH IN COPING: SHOCK, DENIAL, ANGER, ACCEPTANCE, AND FINALLY RELEASE. OF COURSE THE NARRATIVE FOR A LOSS OCCURS OVER A PROTRACTED PERIOD OF TIME, WHILE THE RUDE ENCOUNTER’S NARRATIVE IS FAR SHORTER.

    —James Bailey

    PART

    ONE

    art

    Wisdom and Skills

    1. On Rudeness

    art

    Eight tough weeks into my stint as a reluctant conscript in the Italian Army, I was not looking forward to another ten months in the stark isolation of my remote Alpine outpost. I knew I would miss civilian freedom and the excitement of city life. Newly licensed to drive military trucks, I could see in my future only long and bleary-eyed shifts steering diesel behemoths along treacherous mountain roads. Then, one cold December morning, everything changed. Transfer orders came, like an extravagant early Christmas gift. I was to report to brigade’s headquarters that very evening. My C.O. informed me that I would be in charge of a new military newsletter and act as liaison with the local press. The brigade was headquartered south of the mountains in a lovely town graced by elegant Renaissance buildings, filled with art treasures, and swarming with life. Congenial work awaited me. Relative freedom came with the job. I felt as though I was rejoining civilization, and I was moved by my own good fortune. Still incredulous, I packed my few belongings, put on my travel uniform, and arranged a ride to the train station.

    As the train pulled away from the frozen wilderness, my heart soared. The sky had loomed overcast since morning, but as we left the last of the shaded gorges and uncoiled onto the flatland, the afternoon sunshine made its glorious appearance. While the golden light raced us down the rust-colored countryside, I became sharply aware of a rush of happiness inside me. I was simply, perfectly happy. And with that happiness came the determination to always remember how it felt. There was no assurance that I would ever experience it again. I wanted to remember the electrical warmth of the train compartment, the smell of the vinyl upholstery, the preternatural quality of the light, the surge inside. Everything. The way the world felt the moment I was

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