Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself

Jesus Cries When You

Touch Yourself

A Comic Monologue on

Religious Bullshit in America

In Tribute to George Carlin

By Adam McClaran

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2010 by Adam McClaran

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

For permission to reproduce selections

from this book, send a detailed email

to jcwyty@gmail.com.

This work is satirical in nature and is not intended

maliciously. All names and situations have been

invented, except in cases when public figures are

being satirized. Any other use of real names is

accidental and coincidental, or used in a fictional

depiction or parody.

WARNING

The words in these pages may contain

large amounts of blasphemy.

They may also deeply offend you.

However, I don’t really care.

Dedicated to the Memory of

George Carlin (1937–2008)

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major-league bullshit you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion…. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry, forever and ever, till the end of time. But he loves you!

- George Carlin, from You Are All Diseased

Contents

Preface

Introduction

1 Americans Are Fucking Stupid

2 Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself

3 Jesus: Pedophile or Imaginary Friend?

4 Fuck off Jesus, I’m trying to Drive

5 Get a Clue, Jesus Isn’t Coming Back

6 God Isn’t Love, He’s Just an Asshole

7 The Day Jesus Became an Astronaut

8 Jesus and Other Superheroes

9 More Ranting about Magical Bullshit

10 Other Stupid Religions

11 Songs about Jesus

12 Prayers to the Douche Upstairs

Afterword

Appendix A

Appendix B

Preface

There are a million other books to read, or to just skip through the pages. That’s what people often do, because many of them have shitty reading comprehension. That and they look at pictures - usually of naked people. Well, I happen to think that I am more interesting than random naked people – and so is this book. It’s extremely blunt and brutally honest. You need someone to tell you life isn’t just chocolate and rose peddles and walks in the park - that sometimes you’re going to get a sexually transmitted disease and that it’s going to burn more than a lit cigarette pressed against the crack in your ass. Alright then, it’s settled.

This is not going to be a book of arguments per se – after all, people want to be entertained. No, this can only be understood as ridicule. Those offended by the truth, those that annoy and agitate me with unrealistic and petty emotions, and are dully cloned by the common bullshit of society have no place here. Here they will find no solace – better for them to read fairytales and children’s books anyway. They enjoy pretending. This fictional dysentery of the mind is made through ignorance and false hope – that is to say, weakness. And the world they see is largely a false world - that is to say, a world essentially constructed without evidence and logic. In other words, it’s just magic and Jesus.

No, this book is for the rarest of individuals - those that authentically embrace all of reality, without the power to ignore suffering. It is for those who indifferently ask "Is this shit really true?" and nothing else – those for which nothing is forbidden, not even proving Jesus a pedophile. Perhaps you comprehend the immense stupidity of the species and look upon it with contempt – you joyful misanthrope. This book is for you alone. Of what account are the rest? The rest are merely humanity – mere stupid humanity. And here I shall ridicule them. And what if they complain? Well, who the fuck cares?

Introduction

Religion has been one of the saddest spectacles and most laughable drivels in human history, the cause of enormous tragedy and a subject of grand comedy – a tragicomic tale of epic magnitude. What proper response is there to make when we see several billions of people on this planet, in its most technologically advanced and informed period in history, worshiping, praying to, and so rigidly devoting their lives to an imaginary figure? One must be immediately struck by shame, sadness, and contempt for the human species. Yet one cannot help but make fun of them. In this comic monologue, irreverently and provokingly titled Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself, I provide some temporary relief from all this day-to-day religious nonsense by subjecting it to the scrutiny, sarcasm, and the sacrilegious portrayal that it so greatly deserves, and above all, mocking the stupidities of people in America with the sort of ridicule, perversity, and profanity that is far more effective than a strong piece of evidence or a serious argument ever could be.

America, you must understand, is largely occupied with mindless consumers controlled by their religion, the media, and pussy. The thing is there aren’t many well-informed people capable of critical thinking in America. That takes effort and willfully ignorant Americans want everything handed to them for free—with no strings attached and no effort required. We live in a country largely full of people that are far too easily impressed, have completely unrealistic expectations about which they constantly bitch and moan, and have very few critical thoughts that actually correspond to reality. One can’t talk to many Americans for ten seconds without becoming the least bit nauseous. These people are petty, vindictive, manipulative, and most importantly for this brief incursion, incredibly fucking stupid. And nothing, and I mean nothing, makes them dumber than the vastly overrated nonsense we call religion.

At the outset I dedicated this book to George Carlin. I loved George Carlin. He was my favorite comedian and I often revisit his comedy specials. He was meaningful and insightful, and he wasn’t superficial like most comedians. He went to war against our American bullshit, laying it on the table and eating it for lunch. Carlin taught us that the absurdities of American culture must be ridiculed. He started from a point of seriousness with an important issue, and then moved toward the absurd conclusions that result from what people actually believe. Sometimes he was serious about a silly topic, but he was never trivial. Moreover, Carlin understood the importance of realism in comedy which he often magnified with the use of street language. He always had you on the edge of your seat anticipating what remarkable statement he would make next. I will miss you George and this book is my tribute to you, in style and in ideas. And yes, I know you are fucking dead.

However, Carlin isn’t alone. Other important influences will emerge. For me, these eye-opening figures include the misunderstood and much maligned philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who taught me about the value of life and the devaluation of it by religion, comedian Bill Maher who showed me the importance of publically mocking religious beliefs, and, of course, the writers of South Park and the members of Monty Python. This book will undoubtedly reveal their impact on me as well. It’s full of swearing and allegedly inappropriate topics that I handle without any diplomacy or political correctness whatsoever. In the conflict against American bullshit, no amusing idea can be left out. Not once have I chosen to exclude something for fear of the mass stupidity of this country. We stand at a pivotal point in the history of how we publicly treat fantastical religious ideas, and I think America is ready for a book like this. Well, at least some of us are. The rest are apeshit for Jesus. I am going to blow your mind. You can kiss Jesus goodbye. Your imaginary friend is headed to the wastebasket of history.

Moving on to what my ranting and raving is specifically concerning, in phase one titled Americans Are Fucking Stupid, I bring you on a tour of the bizarre and ludicrous beliefs held by a substantial number of Americans. Many of these beliefs are relatively harmless in and of themselves. That does not exclude them, however, from pissing me off, especially as they are truly brainless and moronic ideas that must necessarily be subjected to mockery. Other beliefs, however, are completely dangerous. What I’m referring to here are such ideas like Jesus is going to return in the next half century, When I die, I’m going to heaven to be with Jesus, and When you die, you’re going to fucking burn! You know, really crazy shit that negatively impacts, even if indirectly, our everyday lives. Here, you’ll get more indications of how just unconventional this book is about to become.

In section two, titled Jesus Cries When You Touch Yourself, I explore the wholly absurd relationship between religious prohibitions, sex, and, of course, pussy. I couldn’t leave out discussing the subject of pussy. Everybody loves the stuff. In addition to this, I briefly investigate the absurd conclusions one must make if Catholics are really eating Jesus every Sunday, the global effects of tear-inspiring masturbation, the logical results of the second Immaculate Conception, and the fact that Mary ultimately should have just said No, you fucking bastard. I will not have telekinetic sex with you, along with many other heretical bits and pieces. Okay, so maybe you’ll think it’s a bit extreme to call Jesus a motherfucker, but when you’re right about something so ironic it seems worth mentioning. I also present the hypothetical possibility that Jesus was a homosexual and make conclusions about what Christians would really do if they found out about it. To finish off the chapter, I discuss medieval worship of Christ’s cock.

Part three captures my thinking on a certain on a quality religious morons often ascribe to God. They call it omnipresence. Essentially, if God is everywhere, and Jesus is God, then he does some really weird and fucked up shit to his minions. You see, if Jesus was really everywhere and could actually see everyone and hear everything, including naked young children, shit would really hit the fan. The invisible man Jesus supposedly watches little children shower, bathe, and go poop. If you thought priests were pedophiles, then…. In this chapter, I also explain why Jesus is our imaginary friend. Speaking of imaginary friends, almost five billion or so people on this planet have one. That’s more than seventy-five percent of us. At least three out of every four people on this planet have an imaginary friend. Many of them have several. Are you fucking kidding me?

In the next part, I tell Jesus to Fuck off, I’m trying to Drive. Here, I continue my shellacking of everyone’s favorite superhero, explaining why he is incredibly intrusive and completely full of shit. I also make fun of people who pray, incidentally on their knees, have an imaginary friend and yet are old enough to know better, and also literally believe in the miracles of Jesus. What’s more, after I demonstrate how troublesome Jesus is to the human race and how incredibly fucking annoying his followers are, I turn to the thought that Christians must routinely piss off Jesus, seeing that they constantly pester him with requests for everything under the sun and beg for forgiveness for the every petty thing they believe they do wrong. It’s a good time had by all.

Phase five tells religious Americans to Get a Clue, Jesus Isn’t Coming Back. Basically, this section of the book is twofold. First, I take a look at what might actually occur if Jesus were to come back to Earth for his second coming. You know, the one that he is about nineteen centuries late for. This part includes musings about Jesus getting mass blowjobs from slutty American women, the perks of being the most famous celebrity in history, and all the other crazy shit that would go down if Jesus returned to meet us in the sky. Second, I visit the idea that, instead of asking ourselves what Jesus would do, we would do better to ask ourselves what we would do if we were actually Jesus. I know, it’s a pretty fucking cool thought, huh? There are so many possibilities. This is sure to piss off the Christians who idiotically believe this guy is the holy deity in the flesh that has come down from his heavenly throne to shower us with love and affection. Who, by the way, even knows where the fuck this throne can actually be found?

In chapter six, called God Isn’t Love, He’s Just an Asshole, I blow off a little steam on the topic of God’s reputation. People often say that Jesus loves you… God is love… Jesus loves you… God is love… Jesus loves you. Blah, blah, blah. Well, this is fucking horseshit. The God of the holy book is just a prick and I’m here to prove it, once and for all time, with all the blasphemy I can accumulate. Oh, and I couldn’t, I dare wouldn’t leave out Jesus Christ himself. His son Jesus is a douchebag of even greater proportions. This is certainly at odds with the common depiction of Jesus as a pacifist hippie who loves everyone until they are wrapped in spiritual ecstasy. I explain that Jesus just doesn’t have a good sense of family values. He is, after all, according to Christians, sending the overwhelming majority of humans ever to populate planet Earth all to hell to be violently tortured forever and ever.

In part seven of the monologue, I present the most enlightening thing ever written for the public at large on the subject of religion, an epic moment that I consider to have immense historical importance. Better, dare I say it, than George Carlin’s Invisible Man in the Sky routine? I almost pissed myself. Here, I expect to upset even the densest of citizens in the populace. However, I can’t share the contents here. I wouldn’t want to spoil it, if such a thing were possible. However, it is a must-read. Continuing on in phase eight, I investigate the overtly fictional nature of Christianity by reviewing the shared characteristics between, Jesus, Superman, and other superheroes in, uh, Jesus and Other Superheroes. Also on the menu, the similarities between Jesus and other fictional characters such as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the surprising link between the Christian fish symbol and the superhero powers of Aquaman.

In section nine the comedy gets a bit cheaper with More Ranting about Magical Bullshit. With no broad subjects in mind, I let my thoughts travel to further random and stupid bullshit that one can find in American religious life and creedal poo. In part ten the monologue finishes with Other Stupid Religions, such