Live Like a Butterfly

Live Like a Butterfly

By

Dawn Marie Swierski

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2011 by: Dawn Marie Swierski

Proofed and Edited by: Barbara Duffy

Cover Design by: Laura Shinn

Formatted by: Laura Shinn

License Notes:

All rights reserved. Live Like a Butterfly is a work of non-fiction. This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system without the express written permission of the author. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy or copies. If you did not purchase this book or it was not purchased for your use, please go to Smashwords.com to purchase your personal copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Title Description

She grew up with the pain of sexual abuse but regrettably it remained a deep, dark, hidden secret that was masked for years. Living through her abuse was a crime within itself; it became unspeakable when it was being committed by family members. The pain she experienced with innocence lost was a life altering change, a burden no child should ever face, evils that were too tormenting one never wants to recall. Day after day, month after month, year after year, her memoires from the past lingered in her mind until she crumbled and became no more.

It was there, during her loneliest hours that she found her best friend; a companion that took her under her wings, speaking to her as though she truly cared when deep down it was evil that she uttered. The grief from her abuse was eased and for once she was free to escape from her reality. An endeavor had been found, one that she excelled at, imparting on her a sense of pride and purpose. The once huge void in her life had now been filled with an eating disorder called anorexia nervosa; sadly it nearly took her precious life.

The person that I speak of is me and this is my story! It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that I am standing her today, willing to give a candid and somber account of a tragedy that I lived through and one that occurs time and again in our society.

The time has come for us to stop being victims and start being the conquerors that God has intended. Come and share my journey to freedom and learn to live like a butterfly.

Dedication

All glory and honor belong to My Heavenly Father for without Him this book would have never been created. It was He who placed it upon my heart to tell my tale. It was He who sat beside me as I placed every word upon these pages. It was He who gave me the strength and courage to see it through to completion, and most important, it was His love that turned my ashes into beauty.

Where would I be if it were not for Scott? He is my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, my better half, and the love of my life. He has stood by my side for 19 years, becoming an innocent victim of not only my past but my present as well. During my days of silence, anger, confusion and disgrace his love remained unconditional, pure and readily available. His encouraging words pushed me to turn my sorrow into healing, not just for myself but for the countless women who suffer in silence. Now And Until The End because a lifetime with him is simply not enough.

And I need to thank Joyce Meyer who has touched my life in so many ways. It is through her teachings that I realized just how much God loves me, that He will never leave my side and no matter how my life may have started I have the power to change my future and start living the life that He intended for me. She continues to be my inspiration and a friend that I never knew I had.

Look for more information on Dawn’s work at:

www.authordawn.com

www.livelikeabutterfly.com

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: The Bathroom

Chapter 2: The Apartment

Chapter 3: The Nightmares Continue

Chapter 4: Our Differences

Chapter 5: My Abandonment

Chapter 6: My Teenage Years

Chapter7: I Am Now An Adult

Chapter 8: The New Dawn

Chapter 9: An Answered Prayer

Chapter 10: Marital Bliss

Chapter 11: Motherhood

Chapter 12: A New Best Friend

Chapter 13: My Walk With God

Chapter 14: Forgiveness

Chapter 15: My New Life

About the Author

Introduction

This is the story of women who grew up with the pain of sexual abuse, but regrettably it remained a deep, dark, hidden secret that was masked for years. Being sexually abused is a crime within itself; it becomes unspeakable when it is being committed by a loved one. For so many of us, it goes untreated or buried deep within our souls with no chance of escape; the after- effects are going to be detrimental. The pain one experiences with innocence lost is a life altering change, a burden no child should ever face, evils that are so tormenting one never wants to recall. Day after day, month after month, year after year the thoughts linger in our minds until we finally break and look for something to erase that pain. For some, that escape from reality becomes your best friend and she remains in your life for years to come. Her name is anorexia nervosa and or bulimia.

This is my story, one that I never planned to reveal to another soul, but God related to me how it could become part of my healing process and maybe the start for other women who are sharing in my anguish. I have battled an eating disorder all of my life in one shape or form, never really comprehending all the damage I was creating. But as I hit my 30’s, it began to take a turn for the worse, bringing me closer to an early death. What further complicated my scenario was the fact that I felt so all alone in my battle; body images were typically for the young.

This was not supposed to be happening to me, was I not smarter and wiser? But I was being drawn into a sinister, evil world, and the longer I remained locked in this prison, the better I became at it, and my desire to stop ceased to exist. My mind was playing such evil tricks on me; I knew that I was slowly killing myself, but the results seemed to outweigh all the danger I was inflicting on myself. I was so scared of facing my past, filled with so much hurt and betrayal that it became far easier to suffer in silence.

The longer my eating disorder had a hold on me, the more innocent people became victims. I started to drag family members into my secret life, namely my husband and our two beautiful children. The ones I loved the most were being subjected to this horrible life I was leading. I had to stop and face what I had being running away from all my life, not tomorrow but today; only my today would never come. Instead I would spend another day fighting off hunger pains, getting on the scale 2-3 times a day to make sure I didn’t gain an ounce, resorting to artificial means to keep me at that magically low weight, crying in the closet because the pain was too much to bear. The lies that I continued to tell myself and all those around me exhausted me.

During this time in my life, I became very despondent and lifeless. I knew that one day my actions would kill me, but that alone was not enough to scare me. I look back now and I realize that the only reason I am alive today is because of my Heavenly Father; he saved me from an early death. On an average, typical day He came and spoke to me in a voice that could not be ignored…

Dawn, it is time; the time has come for you to stop running from your fears and face them head on. I want you to write a book that will not only cleanse your mind and spirit, but it will give you the ability to help thousands of women in the same situation as you. I heard those words as clear as day and I knew that this was to be my passion in life. God had decided that I was strong enough to face my fears, to look at my past, and to finally deal with it. Although I have suffered, I had the capacity or the power to take a negative in my life and make it a positive, to justify all the wrongs in my life. In doing so I am able to walk in the Word of God, to spread to others His wonderful teachings, and to share my story with other women who have lived the same lies as I.

‘The Lord is my light and my salvation-

whom shall I fear?

The Lord is the stronghold of my life-

of whom shall I be afraid?’

Psalm 27:1-2 (NIV)

We shall no longer be afraid of the past because God is our light and our salvation; the Lord is the stronghold in our lives. I know that by writing this book I will be facing some very hurtful memories, not only for myself but for those that caused them. And by reading this book, I may cause you to recollect events in your life that bring you dejection. My hope is that we will all be able to say that our past can no longer affect our present, that it can no longer be a deep-seated force in our lives. I know that if we don’t stop this roller coaster of a life then we will be throwing away all the blessings that God has bestowed upon us. We are the children of God, and we need to walk in the Spirit just the way He has planned for us to do.

Let me say that an eating disorder can be happening to you, your wife, your mother, your sister, you aunt, your next door neighbor or your best friend. Its damage knows no boundaries, and left untreated, it will ultimately cause your death. Being an anorexic means you put the desire to be thin in front of all your other basic needs; being perfect is all that matters. Its grasp becomes more powerful as time goes on, and in the end, if left untreated, our body cannot withstand the ravages we have placed upon it. What a travesty that would be, leaving all the wonders of this world behind because we simply couldn’t and wouldn’t eat!

The time has come for us to stop being victims and start being the conquerors that God has intended. Come and share my journey to freedom and learn to live like a butterfly.

Chapter 1:

The Bathroom

‘Though my father and mother forsake me,

the Lord will receive me.’

Psalm 27:10 (NIV)

"…no, no don’t make me go into the bathroom! I don’t want to go back in there; that’s where bad things happen to me! It’s so small in here, I can’t move, I can’t breathe, there is no place to turn because you are right there! Please stop staring at me like that! Wait, don’t you hear someone coming home? I hear the keys in the door! No, it’s just you and me. Let me have a good look at you. Dawn, you are such a pretty little girl. Now I need you to do me a favor, sweetie, you need to come closer to me. No, please I’ll be a good girl this time! I don’t want to, please! Now don’t cry, big girls don’t cry…"

Big girls don’t cry. I can’t say for sure my exact age but I couldn’t have been more than 3 or 4 years old. That is my first memory of being sexually abused by a loved one. How ironic to say a loved one because doesn’t that contradict what a loved one is supposed to be? But here I was a little girl with the whole world ahead of her and she was being robbed of the innocence that God created her with. This very act would change and destroy the person she was to be, to alter her life and make her grow up faster than she should have.

I realize now that after I was violated for the very first time, a seed had been planted within. It would take years for it to fully develop but it had begun; its names were anorexia nervosa and bulimia. In the course of my life it would take many different shapes and forms; it would take me down roads that I should never have taken. I would eventually have some type of eating disorder for the majority of my life. My violator (s) had no idea that they would be disabling my ability to ever be normal, and that long after the episodes stopped physically, those memories would continue to replay in my mind for years to come.

"…I hear him looking for me, maybe I can hide and he won’t find me. Run Dawn, go under the bed, and be real still and quiet! I see you under there, are you playing games with me? That’s a bad girl; you know what happens to bad girls, don’t you? I run to the square hallway right outside the bathroom and sit on the floor just staring at the bathroom. He goes inside, puts the lid down on the toilet and sits. I push myself against the wall as hard as I can hoping that maybe he won’t see me, maybe he will forget that I’m here. Dawn, it’s time. Come here and help me with the zipper on my pants. I remember walking as slowly as possible; he takes my hand and places it on his zipper. He slams the door shut with his foot and everything is black…"

I have replayed that memory over and over again in my head, trying to put all the pieces together but I always come up short; there are too many blanks. It’s like trying to put a puzzle together without having all the pieces. But I do remember specific details about the apartment; I can still picture the layout of all the rooms. I do know where the furniture was placed; I can see the hardwood floors, the lock on the front door, but when it comes time to remember what really happened to me, my mind only allows me to recall bits and pieces.

For years I would agonize over the failure on my part to recall the trauma that I experienced. How does one forget something that forever changed who she was? I would lie in bed and try so hard to recollect that specific time in my life, hoping it might open up the flood gate of memories that I was suppressing. The pain I was inflicting upon myself was incredible because, in truth, all I wanted to do was forget, yet a part of me wanted it all out in the open. Of course you have your good days and your bad, but nothing changed the fact that I was molested. All the running and pretending would not make my past go away. I was, and always would be, a victim of sexual abuse. Only I had no idea how I was to survive.

I would relive the bathroom scene, trying so hard