Real Men Don't Do Desitin

Real Men Don’t Do Desitin

Lenny Rudow

Copyright 2011 by Lenny Rudow

Published by Lenny Rudow at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment, only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Introduction

WARNING: This book is intended for men, only. If you are a woman (especially a woman of child-bearing age), please stop reading immediately. Please! We don’t read your girls-only books like Our Bodies, Ourselves or The Color Purple, do we???

So—you’re going to be a Dad. By now your wife has picked up several informative books, like What To Expect When You’re Expecting, and The Pregnancy Survival Guide. These are good, solid texts with lots of helpful information, if you’re a woman. But what about us men? What will prepare us for our destiny as Dads? Surely not those books with a decidedly female slant, medical information, and serious discussions of pregnancy-related changes in a woman’s body. Eeeeeew. This book is not meant to be scientific or medical in any way. And it is definitely not written for the girls. It will, however, clue you in on a few important things you guys need to know now that your wife is pregnant. In it, you’ll learn about:

* Baby care task-avoidance techniques.

* Family financial matters (how to declare bankruptcy without giving up your boat).

* All kinds of medical stuff that might freak you out.

* How to deal with (evade) sex during pregnancy.

* How to deal with the dearth of sex that follows pregnancy.

* Why you should never, ever, talk to a woman who is breast feeding.

* How to keep regurgitated baby food off of your Armani.

*And much, much more.

Think of this as a survival guide for the modern male who will soon be having children. No matter what happens over the next few weeks and months, DO NOT skim your wife’s soon-to-be-a-mother books. She is sure to notice, and will therefore know that you’ve already learned about (and can deal with) Desitin, mucus-sucking devices and diaper changes. Thus, she will expect you to participate with these things from the get-go. I found this out the hard way—learn from my mistakes.

Don’t assume I’m the kind of father and husband that shirks the responsibility of pitching in his fair share. I heartily agree that the rewards of fatherhood are great. Nothing will ever compare to the first time you hold your newborn child, and he pees on your necktie. Or the first time you lay down on your back, hold your little girl up in the air and coo until she pukes into your open mouth. Oh, the joy of sticking their first finger painting up on the refrigerator, not yet knowing that the brown pastel came from a loosened diaper.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, gents. We still have a pregnancy to deal with. If you’ve ever wondered what jail was like, this would be a good time to find out. You may think I’m being a bit extreme, but a few months from now you’ll flash back to this moment and think Why didn’t I pour Bacardi 151 on a police cruiser and flick my Bic when I had the chance. But fear not, all is not lost. Just most of it.

Chapter 1 - Surviving your wife’s pregnancy

surviving: economically

Regardless of how comfortable you and your wife have been to date, you now do not make enough money. It doesn’t matter how many zeroes stretch out behind the dollar sign describing your income, this is a fact. For the next nine months most of your disposable income will be swallowed up preparing for the new baby. The rest will be spent buying presents for your bride, while you try to figure out when and what you said that ticked her off so much. Fortunately, you can ease the pain by getting a second job. If you can pull off an 80-hour work week as a high-rolling stock broker or lawyer for the next nine months it will take care of about half the debt you build up in doctor and hospital fees, assuming you already have one of the very best health plans in America. If you’re not so lucky, consider moving to Canada. There’s no charge for health care there, even though your wife may have to progress to crowning before they find her a bed. Don’t ask me to explain what crowning is! I don’t like talking about that stuff, and trust me, you won’t either. If you want to learn the details about things like this, now is the time to get one of those books recommended by Dr. Laura.

Back to money: the cash in your bank accounts will be needed by your wife, so she can buy warm fuzzy stuff. This is known as nesting. On a common shopping trip during the early stages of pregnancy, expect your wife to return with things like blankets, throw pillows, wall art and new shoes (some things never change).

While we’re on the subject of shoes: in about the sixth month of pregnancy, your wife’s feet will swell. Don’t worry about it, this is perfectly natural. What you do have to worry about is the fact that now she needs to buy an entire new wardrobe of shoes. I know, you or I might simply slit the sides on a pair of scruffy old Nikes and make do. After all, in three or four months your feet will go back to their normal size, right? Unless you relish the thought of being brained with a frying pan, keep these thoughts to yourself. Don’t say a word when she comes home with three pairs of oversized stiletto-heel knee-high boots that she wouldn’t have worn when she could still drink beer and dance on a pool table all night. This is an early version of what they call paying the price of fatherhood. Accept it, and move on.

During the middle term of pregnancy, expect an increase in magnitude of the purchases and plans she makes. Don’t be surprised if you need to do more than set up the crib and changing table to make that extra room into an infantorium. Expect to be stained with yellow, blue and pink paint for the next few months. You will be directed to hang curtain rods, wall paper, and mobiles. At some point during this time frame, your wife will hand you a list that looks something like this:

Dehumidifier

Humidifier

Oral Thermometer

R***** Thermometer (Don’t think about it.)

Diaper bags

16 boxes of diapers

14 pounds of potting soil

32 boxes wipes

10 year supply of baby formula

Bottles, caps and nipples

10 bottles Infant’s Tylenol

A huge brownie smothered in pretzels and cream cheese

LaserJet printer (for making birth announcements)

439 Picture frames of varying sizes and shapes

Soothing Waves sound machine

Desitin (you don’t want to know, for as long as possible.)

36 pounds of sack crete

A fluffy, big-eyed puppy

Bottle warmer

10 burp blankets (these are more accurately called pukie rags. Get 20.)

Even though most of this stuff will not be used for the next three months, and some for the next three years, you must get it all IMMEDIATELY. Do not argue, do not stall, do not procrastinate. Think frying pan and run for your car.

The good news is that for the immediate future, you won’t have to pick her up a box of tampons while you’re at the store. You will now have to get panty-liners.

As the pregnancy progresses, so does nesting’s intensity. You will soon have good reason to use all those power tools in the basement. Trim will be replaced, floors torn up, and ceilings torn down. There are two ways to go here. The first is to take on as much of the work as possible yourself, and save labor costs. The second is to hire contractors. Both plans have their drawbacks. If you opt to do the work yourself, you will learn that no matter how fine a job you have done, it is not good enough for your future offspring. That poorly camouflaged drywall seam could scar him. The crooked light fixture might lead to dementia. You never know. This is why I suggest taking the second option, hiring contractors. You’ll still end up with messy drywall and crooked lights, but at least you will have paid for them. Any way you play it, you’re going to end up with a second mortgage, a re-fi, and a constant drain on the nothing that’s left in your bank accounts. What’s that? Your home is too new to remodel? Congratulations future Dad, you’re moving.

Once a suitable portion of your home has been turned into an infantorium, your wife will begin redecorating. This is easy for you, so long as you remember one key factor: stay out of the way. You may think you have some good suggestion regarding color choices, wall hangings and crib dressings. Keep these to yourself, because everything you say will be wrong. If you don’t believe me just try making one small suggestion, one that’s completely harmless, like Honey, why not put this snuggy soft cute little stuffed puppy dog in the crib for the baby?

If your wife is anything like mine, she will pick up the stuffed animal you have chosen, read the tag then say something like You’re even dumber than I thought. How could I ever marry such a moron? Don’t you know that these stuffed animals from West Timor are made with forced child labor? Do you want our offspring to grow up and become an evil capitalist pig with no morals? And besides, it’s a fire hazard. The sub standard stuffing in it will burn if it’s exposed to temperatures exceeding 400 degrees Fahrenheit for more than 10 minutes. See, it says so right here on the tag.

Just to prove the point, she will sit the woofie on the stove, turn it to High and tap her foot impatiently until it explodes into a flaming ball. Over the brain-eating buzz of the smoke alarms my wife, um, I mean your wife, will then scream at you to clean up the horrible mess you’ve made of the stove. You will do so immediately or face the consequences, which are absolutely positively guaranteed to include physical pain.

About now you may be wondering why my, um, I mean your wife, is acting so strangely. This is perfectly normal during