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    I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business.
    I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business.
    I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business.
    Ebook146 pages1 hour

    I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business.

    By Gary Blum

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    About this ebook

    Have you ever been fired? Know someone who has or is currently looking for work? There are few things as scary and painful as being fired or let go. This book, written from both a male and female perspective, will make you laugh, give you hope, and offer some helpful advice from those who have been there and learned the hard way not to listen to experts.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGary Blum
    Release dateApr 8, 2011
    I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business.
    Author

    Gary Blum

    Gary Blum is the co-author of “Stop Hurting Me. I Don’t Buy It.” A serious book that reveals the 5 secrets to true happiness and success and “I Wasn’t Fired, I’m Consulting, which is a humorous look at the trials and tribulations of being fired. Gary is an ad guy at heart.” As long as he can remember, he always asked the question “Why do people do what they do?” Gary can be serious one moment, but just as quickly find humor and snap shots of happiness in the next. Gary grew up during the “The Wonder Years” in suburbia and attended The State University of Binghamton. John Greenburg co-authored “Stop Hurting Me.” An Acclaimed author, John is a “baby boomer” who relocated to Florida after decades in the Chicago area. John is a sports historian who has spoken at the College Football Hall of Fame and has been a guest on numerous radio talk shows around the nation, giving his views on everything from the NFL Lockout to Jackie Robinson. His other books include: Captain Courageous: My True Story, The Grand Old Man: Amos Alonzo Stagg and Visa Denied. “j” Co-authored “I Wasn’t Fired.” At various points in her working life, including a stint as a writer for Comedy Central, “j” and her freelance friends have been downsized, outsourced, and restructured out of their jobs, and into the exciting world of “I’ll do anything for a buck.” She has waitressed, bartended, sold oil and vinegar at farmer’s markets, posed naked for college art classes, and on one memorable occasion, ghostwrote the memoirs of a Labradoodle. She lives in the Hamptons, where you are not allowed to rent or buy unless you have a least one unpublished novel mellowing in your desk drawer. “j” has two. In her spare time, she stares moodily into the ocean, attempting to look like a tortured artist. When she’s not staring into the ocean, she is at home with her family - a very patient husband, two amazing kids who make her laugh, two dogs (one is the Einstein of dogs, the other is the dumb blonde of dogs), and her 86-year-old mother, who curses like a sailor. As of this writing, they are all looking for jobs.

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      Book preview

      I Wasn't Fired. I'm on Vacation, Consulting Starting A Business. - Gary Blum

      I Wasn’t Fired, I’m On Vacation…

      Consulting, Starting A Business

      G Blum and j

      I Wasn’t Fired, I’m On Vacation…Consulting, Starting A Business

      G Blum & J

      Copyright Gary Blum 2010

      Published at Smashwords

      PRAISE FOR I WASN’T FIRED . . .

      I give it two and a half mm…stars out of three. I coked up, cracked up reading it. I told all my friends, the goddesses. It’s a winna.

      –Charles Sheen

      I don’t get it. I’ve never been fired; I’ve just been the victim of the Jewish Conspiracy.

      –Mel Gibson

      I would have laughed really, really hard if I could still move my facial muscles.

      –Joan Rivers

      Oh my God! You fired Kenny, you bastards!

      –Matt Stone and Trey Parker

      I laughed and laughed, and then I cried so hard that my doctors in rehab got scared. Now I’m on Lithium, and I feel much better.

      –Lindsay Lohan

      This book was awesome, which is so cool because it’s the first book I ever read.

      –Britney Spears

      Great book. I’d say more, but I have to go out and adopt some more children.

      –Angelina Jolie

      Great book. I’d say more but I have to go out and adopt a small country.

      –Oprah Winfrey

      All praise shown is wishful thinking. No Real People were consulted for their opinion or harmed during the writing of this book.

      ABOUT THE AUTHORS

      Gary originally wrote this book 25 years ago after he was fired from his first real job. Luckily, today he’s no longer on vacation, consulting; he actually is consulting . . . and president of TLG7, an ad agency. How did he get to be president? Was it ‘who he knew’? Hard work? Being at the right place at the right time? Sleeping his way to the top? All good options. No, he couldn’t find a job, so he did the next best thing: he invented one. Ironically, he chose the one field where being fired by a client is a regular occurrence. He should’ve opened that resume writing service. In addition to being president of TLG7, he is busy co-writing a new book about persuasion called, Stop Hurting Me. I’ll Buy It, and launching an Internet company. Gary’s Internet company, IPTLOCK, is a selective file sharing service that allows people to share ideas with business associates and friends, but not the whole world. www.iptlock.com. Gary is married and lives in Westchester, NY. He is the proud father of two beautiful, intelligent, wonderful children who will soon need jobs.

      j has never, ever been fired. Okay, once, but that’s not the point. At various points in her working life, she and her freelance friends have been downsized, outsourced, and restructured out of their jobs, and into the exciting world of I’ll do anything for a buck. She has waitressed, bartended, sold oil and vinegar at farmer’s markets, posed naked for college art classes, and on one memorable occasion, ghostwrote the memoirs of a Labradoodle. She lives in the Hamptons, where you are not allowed to rent or buy unless you have a least one unpublished novel mellowing in your desk drawer. j has two. In her spare time, she stares moodily into the ocean, attempting to look like a tortured artist. When she’s not staring into the ocean, she is at home with her family - a very patient husband, two amazing kids who make her laugh, two dogs (one is the Einstein of dogs, the other is the dumb blonde of dogs), and her 86-year-old mother, who curses like a sailor. As of this writing, they are all looking for jobs.

      DEDICATION

      Gary – This book is dedicated to my father, who got lost one too many times, and drove himself into a brick wall because he lost his sense of humor, and just didn’t have the energy to keep going. I love you, Dad, and will always feel the loss. To my loving wife who, though I couldn’t appreciate it at the time, kept me company and supported me emotionally and financially when I was lost, and thought I would never find my way again.

      j – I’d like to dedicate this book to my family, who reminded me to breathe and not take it all so seriously. I love you all madly. But most of all, this book is dedicated to all of you out there right now who are out of work and feeling scared and lost. We’re all going to get through this together. Just remember the immortal words of Eminem:

      We’ll walk this world together, through the storm;

      Whatever weather, cold or warm.

      Just lettin’ you know that you’re not alone;

      Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road.

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      Foreword by the Authors

      1.The Day The Earth Stood Still

      2.Every Lock Has A Key That Fits It

      3. Hiding From The Truth

      4. Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, It’s Off To Unemployment We Go

      5. The Resume … or Creative Writing 101

      6. References … or Alienating Friends and Having Someone Else Lie For You

      7. Job Websites & Answering The Want Ads … or Wishful Thinking

      8. Networking … or Contacting People You Haven’t Spoken to in Years

      9. Promising Leads … or Please Hurt Me Some More

      10. The Interview … or The One That Got Away

      11. Leisure Time … or Too Much Of A Good Thing

      The Search For The Holy Grail Ends

      What Did We Learn Class? … or Was Any of this Necessary?

      FOREWORD

      A good analogy for losing your job is driving a car.

      Some people always seem to know where they are going and how to get there. They pick a destination, get in their cars, and they’re off. These are the type of people whose cars never break down, especially if they are all dressed up. Most of the time it seems as if they only have to travel on straight smooth roads and are making great time. They are the ones who always pick the fastest checkout line and are half way home by the time it is your turn, even though they came in after you.

      Others aren’t so lucky. They don’t own a car; in fact, they can’t afford one. Unless they can take a bus, train, etc. to get to where they want to go … they are stuck. They really have to make an extra effort to get anywhere. They have to work at menial jobs to put bread on the table. They are the people everyone gives you guilt about. Look at all the people who have less than you do. You don’t see them complaining. You think to yourself, Of course they’re not complaining; they’re drunk most of the time.

      Of course, there are some – very few –who not only know where they want to go, but drive there in the lap of luxury. They have someone they hired take them wherever they want to go. These are the people you read about and talk about in the society pages. So-and-so is a millionaire … but do you think he’s so lucky? See that? He just had a heart attack. Or, So, she is rich, beautiful and famous. Did you read that she just had to have an operation to remove her implants? Meanwhile, you think to yourself, At least he or she can afford the doctor bills and a private room with a view.

      Actually, these people do get lost every once in a while, but that’s a different story. If enough of you buy this book, I figure between the movie, TV rights, syndication and line of children’s toys, I’ll let you know how it feels.

      But most of us aren’t any of the above. We get in our cars and hope for the best, but we still get lost every once in a while. Or we have to fix a flat tire, especially when we are in a rush and wearing expensive clothes. Why is it our cars never break down near a gas station, or when you or I are wearing a pair of old jeans and not hurrying anywhere? I don’t know, but what is worse is that we end up getting lost, driving on bumpy roads and running behind schedule. We do find our way sooner or later. It’s not always easy, but we get there.

      But when you are fired, you feel as if you are alone, driving at night, on unfamiliar bumpy roads. What’s more, everywhere you go there are dead ends, wrong turns, missed opportunities and people giving you the wrong directions, whether intentionally or not. Everyone has advice. Do this. Do that. Speak to so-and-so. Don’t speak to so-and-so. Go there. Don’t go there. On the other hand, these people have jobs.

      In the beginning, you’re disheartened, disappointed and lost – but at least you have a full tank of gas and money in your pockets. But what’s really happened hasn’t sunk in yet. In time, you start to feel worried that you will never find your way out, while everyone around you is doing just fine. It’s like being on a double blind date with a friend. His date is someone to behold, and yours is a major disappointment. You know the type – the girls with a great personality.

      A few times you thought you made the right turn, but ended up at a dead end. Other times you thought you saw daybreak coming, only to find out that it was the reflection of another car’s headlights in the distance. As the car passes, you see a couple in the front seat laughing and enjoying themselves. In the back seat, there seems to be one person who looks disappointed (though he or she probably has a great personality.) At least you’re not the only one who is miserable.

      Sooner or later, if you are like most people, you start asking yourself if you’re ever going to find your way back to a familiar road before you run out of gas, or worse, have to go to the bathroom. Is there anything worse than having to use a bathroom at an unfamiliar gas station? If the stench doesn’t kill you, the germs will. Besides, they never have any toilet paper.

      It’s difficult to keep going, but if you do and can joke about it, guess what? Believe it or not you, eventually you will find yourself in daylight, back on a familiar street, with a full tank of gas, driving alongside everyone else. (Anyway, I certainly hope so; I’ve got hand cramps and only a few dollars left in my pocket!)

      This book is not going to teach you how to drive; you already know how to do that. It’s not going to give you directions. This is not a

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