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    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationships
    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationships
    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationships
    Ebook122 pages6 hours

    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationships

    By Melody Allen

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    About this ebook

    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationship evokes contemplation, introspection, inquiry and action to its readers seeking wholesome and "real" romantic relationships!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMelody Allen
    Release dateOct 26, 2011
    ISBN9781466198142
    Knowing: The Process of Cultivating Relationships

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      Book preview

      Knowing - Melody Allen

      KNOWING:

      THE PROCESS OF CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS

      BY

      MELODY ALLEN, MA

      Copyright 2011 Melody Allen.

      Smashwords Edition

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Digital book conversion by The Book Connection

      www.bookconnectiononline.com

      TABLE OF CONTENTS

      PREFACE

      INSPIRATION

      WHY WE SHOULD CULTIVATE RELATIONSHIPS

      WHY WE SHOULD CULTIVATE OURSELVES

      BALANCED CONTROL

      OVERVIEW OF KNOWING: THE PROCESS OF CULTIVATING RELATIONSHIPS

      CHAPTER I: ATTRACTING & SELECTING

      INTRODUCTION

      MYTHS AND FAIRYTALES

      PAYING ATTENTION TO OURSELVES

      THE ELEMENT OF PROJECTION

      THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT

      THE INFLUENCE OF ARCHETYPES

      ADDRESSING INADEQUACIES

      ATTRACTION BY SEDUCTION

      TRUSTING YOURSELF

      CONCLUSION

      CHAPTER II: INTIMACY

      INTRODUCTION

      THE ROLE OF CONSCIENCE

      INTENTIONALITY

      ESSENCE AND INTIMACY

      CONCLUSION

      CHAPTER III: COMMUNICATING

      INTRODUCTION

      DEVELOPING BINOCULAR VISION

      EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

      ASKING QUESTIONS

      WRITING: FREE ASSOCIATION AND JOURNALING

      DREAMS

      ACTIVE IMAGINATION

      RITUALS

      CONCLUSION

      CHAPTER IV: BALANCING INTERACTIONS

      INTRODUCTION

      ACTING FROM INTEGRITY

      NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS

      DISTANCE AND CONFLICT

      CONCLUSION

      CHAPTER V: PROJECTION & PERSPECTIVE

      INTRODUCTION

      PROJECTING ONTO GOD

      NATURAL RESOURCES

      CONCLUSION

      REFERENCES

      AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY & CONTACT INFORMATION

      PREFACE

      Inspiration

      Why aren’t you married?

      What’s wrong with you?

      Nothing!

      I started to write this book from my own outpouring of grief and misunderstanding about being a single woman. When I tried to talk about the issue, I was met with responses ranging from Have you prayed? to, How are you sabotaging yourself? and Who are you picking? I realized later that these comments arose from people’s inability to handle the anxiety of not having an answer for me. I decided to stop complaining. I decided to accept that this is where I am. There is nothing I can do about it until the time comes for IT to change.

      Just bringing up the topic of being single gives me a visceral reaction, rooted in the shame and blame that society puts on unmarried, childless young women. I was drawn to healing work because of several false beliefs. First, I believed that I didn’t have a relationship because I’m just not good at being in a relationship. My second premise was that something was actually wrong with me. And third, I couldn’t shake the negative voice at the back of my head saying,

      So I’m not worthy . . . and my spiritual account with God is overdrawn. . . .

      Now, after years of schooling and the attainment of the skills necessary for self-reflection, I have found that, simply put, it is what it is. It is a temporary state of being that will shift when the time is right. Right now, I can share with people in my predicament recognition of their grief, a particular type of grief that is not widely acknowledged. The best solution I can recommend to handle this grief is to develop an understanding of ourselves and our family constellations. This understanding should lead us to anything under our control that might help or hinder our dreams of being in a successful and fulfilling relationship. The rest—fate, randomness, karma, whatever you call the things out of your control—I can do nothing about except raise consciousness regarding the need for people to treat themselves and others with compassion and patience. Personally, I’ll work hard to understand and better myself, and I’ll wait until the moment is right for my relationship to develop.

      This waiting reminds me of the biblical story of Moses, who wandered the desert for 40 years before the river opened on one special day, and he was able to realize his mission and destiny. My goal is not to be a Christian historian, but I do use historical references, fairytales, and myths in my therapy practice and in this book in order to show how many experiences we humans share, even across time, space, and cultures. If you ask, Who is to say how long we will be waiting? I will tell you, like the fairy godmother in The Princess and the Frog (Del Vecho, Clements, & Musker, 2009), that your doubt is just your broken heart speaking. This book is my broken heart working to make sense of how we come to and grow in relationships.

      Why We Should Cultivate Relationships

      In the last decade, a National Marriage Project study conducted at Rutgers University placed the national divorce rate at 50% (Bramlett & Moscher, 2002). The study found several categories that decreased the likelihood of divorce or separation for women: having an annual family income over $50,000, having a baby seven months or later into the marriage, marrying over the age of 25, having an intact family of origin, and completing some college (versus high school dropouts). This data suggests that developed social and personal characteristics make it easier to stay in relationship. It is my intent, therefore, to empower couples by giving them self-regulating tools so they can be in adult consciousness with each other. Interpersonal and intrapersonal skills, contact skills, verbal reflection skills, compassion, patience, and self-soothing skills all have the potential to improve communication and secure a healthy, strong bond that promotes deeper intimacy. Even with all of the proper skill sets in place, one still has to surrender to the timing of a good union as well as to the cycles of growth necessary to reach the pinnacle of self commitment and the desired relationship. With a joint commitment to self-growth, due diligence, and agency, couples can relate to one another with new understanding rather than through their histories of old hurts and traumas.

      Egos, faults, frailties, delight, and eagerness are all ingredients of a masterful and passionate relationship. Realistically, each partner in a relationship has issues that arise and challenge the commitment, fortitude, and compassion inherent to the relationship. Each partner, at some point, will hurt, betray, or abandon the other. These less-than ideal scenarios may not be intentional but the fact of the matter is that we’re all human. If we take an idealized, childlike view of human nature, then the slightest disappointment can unravel the threads of our relational bonds. We must instead look within at our own issues and realize that our partners are just as complex and imperfect.

      Why We Should Cultivate Ourselves

      In many ways, this book is largely about knowing yourself in order to know your partner and understand your relationship better. If each partner focuses on his or her own personal growth experience, the relationship will benefit. Many times, the primary relationship becomes the scapegoat for deeper issues in the psyche that originated in one’s formative years. Formative and unconscious issues can also affect attraction, partner selection, vibrational resonance, and the long-term health of a relationship.

      This book gives a voice and direction to

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