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    Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One.
    Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One.
    Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One.
    Ebook273 pages3 hours

    Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One.

    By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

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    About this ebook

    This is a compilation of one hundred (inoffensive) jokes, some short, some long.
    Each joke is given a title and is numbered.

    After the main body of jokes there is a section which explains each one for readers who might not have fully understood.

    This should be useful for readers who are not native speakers of English - or even readers from other parts of the English-speaking world where the humour of one part may be somewhat incomprehesnible to the other.

    There is also a list of the jokes by title, and by number, and an index of key words which appear in all the jokes. Some of these sections may be more or less useful according to the format in which the book is viewed.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherEbenezer Jackson-Firefly
    Release dateApr 10, 2012
    ISBN9781476226811
    Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One.

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      Book preview

      Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Volume One. - Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      THREE HUNDRED QUITE GOOD JOKES. VOLUME ONE

      Copyright 2012 Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      Smashwords Edition

      ISBN: 9781476226811

      http://www.livroy_kimkat.org

      TEXT OF THE COVER: Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes / Volume One / Suitable for people who like to laugh / Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      This book should not really be copied as Mr. Jackson-Firefly is living on the fringes of poverty, and he informs us that he would prefer it if the book were purchased rather than be copied and freely distributed. He might thus enjoy a bowl of hot soup now and then with whatever sporadic and sparse income that his literary creation generates. We appreciate your cooperation in helping Mr. Jackson-Firefly continue to eke out a meagre existence as a laughterologist.

      The Editors.

      LIST OF CONTENTS

      1. INTRODUCTION (0.5% of the book)

      The jokes begin here:

      2. THREE HUNDRED JOKES (52% of the book)

      3. DON’T GET IT? THE JOKES EXPLAINED (22% of the book)

      4. CONTENTS: JOKES 0001-0300 ACCORDING TO NUMBER (6% of the book)

      5. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE (6% of the book)

      6. INDEX TO THE JOKES (15% of the book)

      1. INTRODUCTION

      After some intense brainracking (for about thirty seconds) and some long deliberations (another thirty seconds) we came up with the title Three Hundred Quite Good Jokes. Why this title? Many are mildly amusing and have raised a chuckle or two. One or two are hilarious. Quite funny, in fact. The rest we’re not so sure of. But we believe the title is vaguely accurate. (What we are sure of is that there are three hundred of them – neither more nor less).

      The book is divided into six parts:

      1 This introduction, since it seems that all books should have introductions, though nobody ever reads them.

      2 Then, thankfully, we have the jokes. They are not in any particular order as it was difficult to know how to classify them. One has talking horses and a talking dog. Is it a horse joke or a dog joke? Or simply an animal joke? (Or can it be called a joke at all?) We couldn’t decide, so we added them randomly until we had three hundred.

      As jokes go they are (we think) inoffensive for most people although the word ‘adultery’ appears in one, alcohol flows freely in some jokes, and occasional angry characters swear (although ‘bloody’ is as far as their profanity goes).

      The people and animals and objects in the jokes are varied. wardrobe has a bit-part in a couple of jokes; seagulls are also make an appearance in two of them. There are taxis and policemen – and for some reason husbands and wives are to found in quite a few. Dogs are frequent leading players in many of them. Cats however, like bears and gorillas, although present, are not numerous. Fish and chips, psychiatrists and doctors and their long-suffering patients, some unkindly referred to as lunatics, doors, hats and coats, cups of tea, lifts (or elevators in the U.S.), old ladies, vicars, farmyard animals - pigs and cows and hens and cocks (or roosters in the U.S.) are also to be found. And there’s Johnnie, Robbie, Mickey, Norma Lee, Sarah, Mary, David, John Smith and Jack Smith and Jim West – whoever these people may be, but who seem to populate the world of jokes.

      The joke numbers are preceded and followed by an x (x01x, x55x, x0307x) as we suppose they’re easy to find this way in some formats of the book. Of course, we might be very mistaken.

      3 After the three hundred fairly good jokes comes a section called ‘Didn’t get it?’ - a short explanation of each one in English in case the point of the joke eludes the reader. Some readers may not be first-language speakers of English and so such explanations might be helpful. I doubt it, however, and I think we wasted a lot of time doing it.

      The numbers of the explanation are preceded and followed by a z (z3z, z22z, z209z), again for this supposed ease of locating them.

      The other stuff at the back of the book which is rather like redundant bits of information in DNA. It really should be eliminated but we have decided to do as Nature does, and just put it out of the way. So there is:

      4 A list of the jokes in numerical order.

      5 A list of the jokes according to the title we have given each one..

      6 An index of the key words in the jokes. It is more or less complete, showing where oats and apples and cows and doctors are mentioned. For example, a speaker in a medical conference who finds it necessary to resort to a joke or two in order to win over the audience might look at the jokes with doctors to find something pertinent. However, I advise against it.

      And that’s about it, really.

      2. THREE HUNDRED JOKES

      x0001x THE CURE

      Two friends are talking.

      I’m seeing a psychiatrist, says one, because I have great difficulty in sleeping at night.

      Why’s that?

      It might sound silly, but I’m convinced there are gremlins under my bed.

      And is the treatment working?

      Not really. He believes in deconstructing the persona before finding solutions and the treatment’s going to take a long time.

      It’s funny you should say that. I had a similar problem recently. I couldn’t sleep because I thought there were gremlins under MY bed. So I went to see a psychiatrist too.

      Did the treatment work?

      Oh, yes. I was cured in just one session!

      How was that possible?

      He told me to saw the legs off my bed.

      x0002x BREAKFAST AT EIGHT

      A receptionist in a hotel gets a call at two in the morning.

      A lady asks, Reception? What time does the dining room open?

      It opens at eight o’ clock for breakfast.

      An hour later the phone rings again. It’s the same lady.

      Reception? What time does the dining room open?

      I told you, madam. At eight o’clock.

      At four in the morning the lady phones again.

      Reception? What time does the dining room open?

      At eight, madam.

      And can’t you open it any earlier?

      I’m afraid not, madam. But we can send something up to your room if you can’t wait to go into the dining room.

      No... no... I don’t want to go INTO the dining room. I’m locked in and I want to get OUT!

      x0003x WAITING FOR TAKE-OFF

      A well-known singer gets on a plane and sits in the first-class section. The stewardess tells him he has to sit in the tourist class because he hasn’t got a first-class ticket.

      I’m Jack Smith the singer. I’m going to Los Angeles and I do what I want.

      The stewardess tells the head stewardess that they have a problem with a passenger.

      She says, All right, I’ll get him to move.

      But the passenger says, I’m Jack Smith the singer. I’m going to Los Angeles and I do what I want.

      The head stewardess tells the pilot they have a problem with a passenger.

      Jack Smith the singer? says the pilot. All right, I’ll talk to him.

      The passenger says, I’m Jack Smith the singer. I’m going to Los Angeles and I do what I want.

      The pilot whispers into his ear and the singer gets up with an annoyed look on his face and moves back into tourist class.

      The two stewardesses ask the pilot, How did you persuade him to move?

      Oh, it was quite simple really. He’s not the brightest star in the heavens. I told him that this part of the plane isn’t going to Los Angeles.

      x0004x CREAM BUNS

      A man who is eating cream buns and drinking tea in a tearoom calls over the waitress.

      Waitress! Waitress! Please bring me a towel.

      Good heavens, sir! says the waitress. You’ve got a cream bun stuck to each ear. What on earth happened?

      I was expecting a phone call from a colleague at work, and my mobile phone began ringing, and by mistake I picked up a cream bun and put it to my ear.

      But what happened to the other ear?

      The idiot phoned me again!

      x0005x THE ADOPTED STRAY

      A woman decided to adopt a stray cat which had been living in her garden shed for a week or so.

      But the woman’s husband didn’t like the cat at all – it was scratching the furniture and peeing all over the house. What’s more, it always looked at him in a very menacing way and he always felt uneasy when the cat was around.

      That cat, he decided, must go.

      He didn’t want to tell his wife to get rid of the cat, and he thought the best thing to do was to have it disappear.

      The next day, he put it in his car and drove to the city park a mile from the house. He put the cat behind a bush and drove back home. But when he arrived home the cat was waiting on the doorstep!

      A couple of days later, he decided to take the cat a bit further away from the house, and he drove three miles away to a golf course. He put the cat behind a bush and went back home. But again the cat had reached the house before him, and was sitting on the doorstep!

      I’m not taking the cat far enough away, he thought. There’s a nature reserve ten miles away on the other side of the river. I’ll go there.

      So a few days later he went to the nature reserve, put the cat behind a bush, and returned home. But surprise, surprise! The cat was sitting on the doorstep waiting for him.

      Hm, he thought, ten miles isn’t enough. I’ll try thirty.

      Thirty miles from the house there was a large forest, and he thought that at last he’d be able to abandon the cat in a place it wouldn’t find its way out of.

      He left the town and drove mile after mile until he came to the river bridge, crossed the river, went through an industrial estate, crossed another river, went up over a mountain, crossed yet another river, went along a country road through fields and then through a narrow valley, and eventually came to the forest.

      He turned off the road and went along a forest track, and turned left, and then right, and then right again, and then left.

      This is a good spot, he thought, and he left the cat behind a bush and started his journey back home.

      But very soon it got dark and he found himself driving along the forest tracks unable to find a way back to the country road. He drove around and around in the dark for three hours.

      In the end he called his wife on his mobile phone.

      Where ARE you? asked his wife.

      I’m in the forest, replied the husband.

      Why on earth are you in the forest? she asked.

      It’s not important, said the husband. What I need to know is – is the cat there?

      Yes, said his wife. Why are you asking me that?

      Well, you see, I’m lost, and I need the cat to give me directions home.

      x0006x THE PLUMBER

      A doctor calls a plumber because a pipe is leaking in his bathroom. The plumber arrives, quickly repairs the pipe, and gives the doctor a bill for five hundred pounds.

      Five hundred pounds? That’s ridiculous. I’m a doctor but I can tell you I certainly don’t earn a fortune.

      The plumber replies, Neither did I when I was a doctor!

      x0007x THE SECOND-HAND CAR

      A nun goes to buy a second-hand car at a car dealer’s. She finds a car she likes, buys it, and drives it to her convent.

      All is well for a few days, but then one morning the car won’t start. She phones the dealer to tell him of the problem.

      How many times did you turn the key? he asks.

      About nine or ten times – but nothing happened.

      Did you do anything else to try and start it?

      Yes, I prayed, she says.

      That’s no good, says the man. Prayers won’t help. You have to keep turning and turning the key - and you have to swear as loud as you can.

      I’m a nun, she says indignantly. I don’t know how to swear!

      Don’t worry, he says, with that car I sold you, you’ll soon learn!

      x0008x FLEAS

      A lady invites the vicar to tea. The vicar is very fond of his little terrier but he lets it roam free around the village and it’s never very clean.

      The lady is dismayed to see that he has brought his dog with him.

      The vicar says, I’ve brought my little dog with me! Can he come in and sit by me on the sofa?

      Oh no! says the lady. I can’t have your dog sitting on my sofa. It’s full of fleas.

      Sorry, Fido! the vicar says to his dog. You’ll have to stay outside. You can’t sit on the sofa with me – it’s full of fleas.

      x0009x THE COUGHING DOG

      A man goes into a pub with a dog which has a cough. The dog lies on the floor next to where its owner is sitting.

      The pub landlord hears the noise and comes over.

      Hey! he says, we can’t have that coughin’ in here!

      That’s not a coffin! says the man. That’s my dog!

      x0010x THE TELEGRAM

      A cowboy dog in the Wild West goes into a telegraph office and says, I want to send a message to my sister back East, in Boston.

      The telegraph clerk says, Write your message, and the address you want to send it to, on this slip of paper, and I’ll telegraph it to our Boston office, and they’ll deliver a telegram to your sister.

      The dog writes Woof woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof.

      That’s nine words, says the telegraph clerk. For the same price you can have ten words. Add another woof.

      Don’t be silly, says the dog, If I did that the message wouldn’t make any sense!

      x0011x THE CROSS-EYED DOG

      A man is in the waiting room at a vet’s surgery with a big fat wheezing dog.

      The receptionist says, The vet is ready to see you now!

      He picks up his dog and carries him into the room.

      What’s the problem? asks the vet.

      He’s cross-eyed, says the man, handing the dog to the vet.

      I’m afraid I’ll have to put him down! says the vet.

      Why? asks the man in surprise. Because he’s cross-eyed?

      No, says the vet. Because he’s really heavy!

      x0012x A MISSING DOG

      I hear you’ve lost your dog, says James Williams to his neighbour. What happened?

      We were walking in the woods, and I took his leash off, and he ran away.

      Oh dear, says James Williams. What did you do?

      Well, I told the police I’d lost him – and I put an advert in the local paper.

      I bet that was expensive.

      No, not really. It was quite a short advert.

      What did it say?

      Here, boy!

      x0013x LOOKING FOR A JOB

      A dog goes into a job centre.

      I’m looking for a job, says the dog to the clerk.

      Good heavens! says the clerk. A talking dog! Well, I’m sure we’ll be able to find work for you in a circus.

      But why would a circus need a train driver? asks the dog.

      x0014x IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

      A man was woken up by his phone ringing at half past three in the morning.

      Hello? asked the man. Who is it at this time of the morning?

      My name’s John Smith. I’m your new next-door neighbour. I’ve seen your name on your postbox and I found your number in the phone directory.

      But why are you calling me? asked the man in surprise.

      Because your bloody dog is barking, you stupid idiot.

      There’s no need to call me names! said the man.

      If I think you’re an idiot then I’m going to call you an idiot! said John Smith. Now do something about that dog, you silly man. I can’t sleep with all that noise!

      And John Smith put down the phone.

      The next night, at three thirty in the morning, the man phoned John Smith.

      I didn’t get the chance to tell you last night because you were too busy calling me names – but I haven’t got a dog!

      x0015x THE RESCUE

      A TV reporter is standing on the beach, being filmed for a news programme about sunbathers in the hot sunshine. Suddenly she hears somebody shouting ‘Help! Help! I’m drowning!’

      The cameraman moves his camera into the direction of the sea and there is a man waving his arms.

      Oh dear! What can we do? she shouts in a panic. A man is drowning!

      Just then a voice says, Don’t worry. Boris will rescue him!

      She looks around and sees a man is standing near her.

      Who’s Boris? asks the woman reporter.

      He’s my dog! says the man. He whistles and an enormous fat bright yellow dog wearing sunglasses and a straw hat gets up off the sand and waddles towards him.

      Rescue the drowning man! says the man.

      The dog goes to the water’s edge and begins to go towards the man – walking on the surface of the water! The dog reaches the man and pulls him back to

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