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    A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
    A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
    A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
    Ebook58 pages51 minutes

    A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey

    By Tom Paolangeli

    3/5

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    About this ebook

    From the Introduction:
    Okay, first of all, if you're looking for the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E.L. James, this ain't it. Sorry about that, dang those stupid search engines, now go and try again. Second, what you're reading here is just for guys. If you're a woman, please stop reading right now and go back to the real book. There's nothing here to interest you.
    Are they gone? Good. Okay guys, now pay attention. This is important. You may be here because your girlfriend or wife was excited about the previously mentioned book. Perhaps she even wanted you to read it. She probably said it would spice up your sex life, and what guy wouldn't be in favor of that?
    Trust me - you do not want to read the book. It was written by a woman, for women. Most guys will find it dull, stupid, tiresome and waaaay too long. The ratio of tedious inner female monologue to sex scenes is about fifty shades of boring to one.
    However, here's the rub: You do need to know something about it. Why? Because your odds of having hot sex with your sweetie will go up exponentially if you do. For some reason, a lot of women absolutely love this book. It gets them all hot and bothered, in a good way. You've probably heard that it's been called "mommy porn," and you're like, "okay, porn is good, what's not to like about that?" But guess what? There are no pictures! Seriously, you'll see more skin in a Sears' ad than this book.
    But hold on cowboy, you're in luck. I've done all the hard work for you. I've plodded through the mind numbing boring stuff (and believe me, there's whole lot of it.) I'll give you the plot summary, highlight the sex scenes, and more importantly, teach you the things guys need to learn from this book. Just look for my tips throughout. You can thank me now or later. Consider it my gift to mankind, emphasis on the "man." Ready? Set. Go!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTom Paolangeli
    Release dateMay 4, 2012
    ISBN9781476065144
    A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey
    Author

    Tom Paolangeli

    Tom M. Paolangeli is an award winning humor writer living in Ithaca, NY. He's a firm believer in the 3 R's - Reading, Racing, and Rock and Roll. (Wait, is that 4?) He is happily married and they love living in the country with lots of trees and critters.

    Read more from Tom Paolangeli

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      Book preview

      A Guy's Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey - Tom Paolangeli

      A Guy’s Secret Guide to Fifty Shades of Grey

      By Tom M. Paolangeli

      Copywrite 2012 by Tom M. Paolangeli

      Smashwords Edition (1.2, 10/13)

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Note and Disclaimer: This is a satiric commentary about the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L James. It is not authorized or in any way endorsed by Ms. James or her publishers. Mr. Paolangeli would certainly welcome any such endorsement, but even he isn’t deluded enough to expect it any time soon, or ever.

      Once, at sunset, near the orange and black river, a young dachnik with a riding crop in his hand bowed to her in passing; whereupon she blushed like a girl in a novel but only said, with a spirited sneer, that he had never ridden a horse in his life.

      - Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory

      Table of Contents

      Introduction

      Chapter 1 - Craps Quirks and Flushes

      Chapter 2 - Biting Lips and Long Index Fingers

      Chapter 3 - A Hitch in Time

      Chapter 4 - Rare Books and Drunken Women

      Chapter 5 - One. Word. Sentences.

      Chapter 6 - Lip Thumbing

      Chapter 7 - Whips and Chains

      Chapter 8 - Finally, a Sex Scene

      Chapter 9 - Bathing and Biting

      Chapter 10 - More Flushing and Hitching

      Chapter 11 - Colonial Speech Economy

      Chapter 12 - Belly Button Cocktails

      Chapter 13 - Car Tips

      Chapter 14 - Pom Poms

      Chapter 15 - Panting Goddesses

      Chapter 16 - Let’s Spend the night Together

      Chapter 17 - Ob Gyn

      Chapter 18 - Quirking and Giggling

      Chapter 19 - Meet the Greys

      Chapter 20 - Silver Balls

      Chapter 21 - Sex and Flush

      Chapter 22 - Georgia on My Mind

      Chapter 23 - Well Bite My …

      Chapter 24 - Backflips and Cartwheels

      Chapter 25 - Agonizing Orgasms

      Chapter 26 - It Ain’t Really Over, You Know

      About Tom

      Bonus Material (Episode One from An American’s Guide to Downton Abbey)

      Introduction

      Okay, first of all, if you’re looking for the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James, this ain’t it. Sorry about that, dang those stupid search engines, now go and try again. Second, what you’re reading here is just for guys. If you’re a woman, please stop reading right now and go back to the real book. There’s nothing here to interest you.

      Are they gone? Good. Okay guys, now pay attention. This is important. You may be here because your girlfriend or wife was excited about the previously mentioned book. Perhaps she even wanted you to read it. She probably said it would spice up your sex life, and what guy wouldn’t be in favor of that?

      Trust me - you do not want to read the book. It was

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