Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Adventures of Jesus
    The Adventures of Jesus
    The Adventures of Jesus
    Ebook152 pages1 hour

    The Adventures of Jesus

    By Walt Sautter

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    When Jesus returns will “He be coming on a cloud” (Revelations) or will it be as it was before, an obscure arrival in a backwater town? If you’re betting on the latter, just how will he announce his return? “The Adventures of Jesus” will give you a whole new understanding of how The Second Coming will occur and plenty of laughs besides.
    Jesus returns accompanied by his faithful companion, the Angel Gabriel and together they attempt to devise a plan to publicize His recent arrival. They find themselves continually plagued with problems from finding new Apostles to organizing a Sermon on the Mount rally. Even the Savior’s old miracle working skills need some updating now and then. He reveals the true meanings of many of his arcane sayings and parables with clear, easy to understand explanations. Additionally, Jesus tells how some of the most dramatic events in the Bible actually unfolded. You will be shocked (and laugh your ass off).
    Note – Reading this story will not condemn you to Hell (just a little extra time in Purgatory maybe!) LOL
    ***************
    Some scenes from the Adventures of Jesus
    ***************
    Gabriel stops and turns towards Jesus.
    “Wait a minute! Isn't your Father a real estate mogul?”
    “Sure! He owns the Universe!”
    “Why can't he spot you a little cash then?”
    “Didn't I already tell you, he's got financial problems?”
    “Are you sure? Did he show you his tax returns?”
    “No! He can’t; he was being audited.”
    “Audited? By who?”
    “The Holy Ghost!”
    *******************
    A low, hoarse, raspy whisper echoes from the alley.
    “Psst! Jesus! Over here” Satan calls.
    “Who's that?” Gabriel questions.
    “I'm not sure but the voice sounds vaguely familiar.”
    Jesus walks over to the alleyway. A silhouetted outline of the speaker can barely be seen in the shadows. Jesus immediately recognizes him.
    “I thought it was you, but I wasn’t sure. What happened to your voice?”
    “The Air Quality Index is ten plus at home and that’s on a good day. There’s no such thing as ‘clean coal’ trust me on that” the figure replies.
    *******************
    “Look at all these questions. Father's name, mother's maiden name, last employment, and down here at the bottom, penciled in, a two-hundred-and-fifty-word essay on 'Why We Should Never Interrupt Municipal Employee Coffee Breaks'” he reads aloud.
    “And Father's name? “
    “God!” Jesus answers.
    “That's not going to work” Gabriel complains.
    “Then how about I put your name down. You where the one who sneaked into to my mom's bedroom that night - so who knows?”
    “No way man! You're not going to stick it on me. I was only the messenger of God. Remember?” Gabriel snaps.
    “Okay then- I’ll put down Joe Christ!”
    *******************
    Jesus is revealed standing behind the boulder with his hands thrust forward toward the crowd. Each hand bears a smear of red lipstick and he has a small plastic wreath on his head.
    A person close to the stage shouts as Jesus approaches.
    “I can see it from here; that’s no crown of thorns!”
    Gabriel immediately steps forward next to Jesus and angrily answers.
    “Hey man, I went to The Dollar Store, Ebay, Amazon, and all over the Internet. I’d like to see you find a crown of thorns!”
    Suddenly another yells.
    “I don’t think that’s real blood on his hands either!”
    Gabriel shouts back angrily again.
    “Two thousand years! Don’t you think he would have healed up by now?”
    ***********************
    Some reviews of the first edition:
    Review by: S Berlin on April 23, 2011 :
    This is a hoot! Looking forward to reading more of his work.
    Review by: grannytoad on March 24, 2011 :
    Humorous look at what might happen if Jesus returned to earth today. Definitely not politically correct, but funny!
    Review by: J. Robert Ewbank on March 03, 2011 : (no rating)
    This play is a comedy about the return of Jesus to earth with his companion Gabriele,

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWalt Sautter
    Release dateJun 21, 2012
    ISBN9781476417387
    The Adventures of Jesus
    Author

    Walt Sautter

    Walter Sautter has been writing crime thrillers and comedies for the past three decades. His diverse work is inspired by true life events and socials issues.Walt lives in a small New Jersey town with his wife of over 40 years. He enjoys golfing, wrestling and is passionate about educational reform.

    Read more from Walt Sautter

    Related to The Adventures of Jesus

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      The Only Way Is Up

      Apr 1, 2021

      The Only Way Is Up
      9 min read

    • Article

      Why Hope Restores in Every Situation

      Jan 1, 2021

      Every one of us goes through dark valleys and troubled times. But in Christ Jesus we have hope. And hope restores in every situation—no matter how dark it may seem. To say the last year has been challenging would be an understatement for most of the

      4 min read

    • Article

      Elvis Is In The Building

      Jul 20, 2022

      Elvis Is In The Building
      5 min read

    • Article

      At The Present Time

      Nov 1, 2022

      At The Present Time
      8 min read

    • Article

      The Hero

      Feb 1, 2024

      The Hero
      2 min read

    • Article

      No More Mr Nice Guy

      Dec 20, 2019

      No More Mr Nice Guy
      2 min read

    • Article

      A Small Picture Of Hell

      Mar 9, 2022

      There is a very disturbing flier, which sometimes comes with The Oldie, from a charity drawing attention to cruelty to animals in China, with special reference to the fur trade. A photograph of the face of a caged dog carries a caption to the effect

      2 min read

    • Article

      Television Tome That Needs Tuning

      Aug 26, 2021

      ONE DAY IN JANUARY 1983, Rob Young volunteered to appear on TV. Along with hundreds of other wannabes, he was instructed to take up position within a giant good morning britain logo that had been pegged out on Bristol’s Durdham Downs. With a helicopt

      5 min read

    • Article

      Wild At Heart

      Aug 15, 2019

      Wild At Heart
      7 min read

    • Article

      Wild At Heart

      Jan 12, 2023

      Wild At Heart
      5 min read

    • Article

      The Dream Of Oscar Isaac

      Apr 14, 2022

      The Dream Of Oscar Isaac
      17 min read

    • Article

      Passion Project

      Jun 2, 2019

      Passion Project
      7 min read

    • Article

      A Note From The Editor

      Apr 15, 2020

      BIBLE STORIES ARE SO VIVID. Think of the rich tax collector Zacchaeus, who yearned to see Jesus but was too short. Couldn’t see over the crowd. So he climbed a tree—a sycamore, the Gospel of Luke says. It makes me think of the big sycamore we had in

      1 min read

    • Article

      History Repeating

      Jul 12, 2023

      History Repeating
      2 min read

    • Article

      Ice To See You

      Nov 6, 2019

      Ice To See You
      4 min read

    • Article

      The One Percent

      Dec 2, 2020

      The One Percent
      5 min read

    • Article

      The Gratitude Resolution

      Jan 1, 2024

      The Gratitude Resolution
      11 min read

    • Article

      60 Second Screenplay

      May 1, 2020

      60 Second Screenplay
      2 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Adventures of Jesus

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Adventures of Jesus - Walt Sautter

      The Adventures of JESUS

      By Walt Sautter

      973-819-8970

      wsautter@optonline.net

      Introduction to EScreen

      EScreen is a unique form of book style. It is written as a modified screen play format so as to accommodate electronic reading devices.

      Why should you read a book written in EScreen format?

      It is a movie using your mind as its screen. It allows the reader’s imagination to soar much as old time radio shows once did. It allows you become more a part of the story rather than merely an observer. An entertaining story can be read in a short time rather than the traditional book which often requires many hours. It is entertainment that can easily be spliced into today’s fast paced life style no matter how demanding your schedule might be.

      Screen Play Terms Used in ‘The Adventures of Jesus"

      BEAT - In a screenplay, this term is used to indicate a pause in a character's speech or action. Also refers to actions or incidents within scenes.

      CLOSE UP - A detailed view of a person or object, usually without much context provided.

      DISSOLVE TO: - A dissolve is a transition between scenes in which two images gradually overlap each other.

      EXT.- Denotes a shot taken out of doors.

      FADE IN / FADE OUT - Smooth, gradual transition from complete blackness to a scene (fade in); gradual transition from a scene to complete blackness (fade out). Always typed out in full in capital letters.

      INT.- Denotes a shot taken indoors.

      INTERCUTTING - An editing method whereby related shots are inserted into a series of other shots for the purpose of contrast or for some other effect.

      NARRATION - Off-screen commentary, which is heard over the action. Also referred to as a voice over.

      OFFSCREEN (O.S.) - Indicates that the character speaking is not visible in the frame. Always abbreviated in all capital letters and enclosed in parentheses.

      STOCK FOOTAGE: - Stock footage shows footage of events in history from other films and/or television broadcasts.

      Chapter 1

      The Return

      Ext. A dark sky with flashes of lightning

      Sounds of thunder are heard. Rolling text appears and is recited in a loud, deep, echoing voice. The words -'REVELATION 1:7' - appears with the text but is not recited.

      Reader (O.S.)

      Look, Jesus is coming with the clouds! Everyone will see him, even those who pierced him. All peoples of the earth will cry loudly because of him. Yes, this will happen! Amen.

      The sky is cloudy, lightning flashes and thunder roar continues. Traditional pictures of Jesus’s Second Coming fade in and out with the rolling, dark sky as a background as Jesus and Gabriel speak.

      GABRIEL (O.S.)

      Old school Bro! Needs an update!

      JESUS (O.S.)

      (a beat)

      They call me the Messiah, the Savior, the Son. Yeah that's me, I'm the one. I'm comin' back and this time I ain't takin' no crap. No more good guy stuff, I'm gonna be tough. Mercy is out; cryin' and pleadin' ain't gonna count. I'll be gettin' some homies to watch my back, no more losers like my old school pack. I took a look at my past and this time it won't be like the last. Twelve Jews I had before but not no more. Can't you see I'm goin' PC. Luke and John are gone, now its Hose and Juan. And that ain't all, no more Peter and Paul. We got Devon and Tyrone and they're not alone. We're getting' Kim and Chang to round out the gang. I'm gonna vet 'em all real good; no more Judas hangin' in my hood. Better hope you're on my right side, cause if you're not on my list you’re gonna be pissed. I'll be comin' on a cloud, it'll gonna be thunder and loud. Lightning will be lit and the whole World will shit. Now there you go, you got my whole diddy. Just wait and see, it ain't gonna be pretty.

      GABRIEL (O.S.)

      Now you're talkin' home boy!

      Cut to:

      EXT. A CITY STREET CORNER – day time.

      Suddenly JESUS and the angel GABRIEL appear out of nowhere. Jesus is blonde haired, blue eyed and wearing his long white robe as usual. Gabriel appears in a white robe and without wings.

      GABRIEL

      I thought John said you would be coming on a cloud with thunder and lightning not under a cloud with thunder and lightning?

      Jesus is wearing a cardboard sign around his neck and holding a cup - the sign reads The End is near.

      JESUS

      This is the best we can do. Church attendance is way down and Dad says he's got budget problems!

      Suddenly it begins to rain. Jesus snaps his fingers and an umbrella salesman appears on the corner. The salesman is a big man with bulging muscles.

      SALESMAN

      Looks like you two gents need umbrellas. Five bucks each.

      Jesus hands him two dollars.

      SALESMAN (cont’d)

      No discounts pal! Ever heard of supply and demand?

      JESUS

      But Blessed are the poor!

      SALESMAN

      Looks like the poor are going to be blessed and wet then.

      Jesus reaches behind the salesman's ear and pulls out a ten dollar bill.

      GABRIEL

      Why didn't you just give him the ten dollars in the first place?

      JESUS

      I read The Art of the Deal.

      GABRIEL

      What do you mean by that?

      JESUS

      The sub title was How to Stiff Everybody You Can and Get Away With It.

      GABRIEL

      Then why did you give up so quick and pay him the ten bucks right away like that?

      JESUS

      Did you see how big he was? He looked like one of the everybody’s that you couldn't stiff and get away with it! Now watch this!

      Jesus reaches behind Gabriel’s ear and holds up a twenty dollar bill.

      GABRIEL

      How did you do that?

      JESUS

      I am the worker of miracles great and

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1