Read Me Dead

Chapter One

I sit up in bed alert. I’m sweating, and my breathing comes in quick, short gasps. My long, thick curls stick to my neck, and I can still feel his large hands covering my mouth preventing me from breathing.

The outside lamp casts an orange glow through the blinds into the dark room. I stare at the shadows around me. I put my head in my hands and wait for the fear to pass, and I’m afraid. Afraid of what hides in the dark, what always hides in the dark. Secrets.

Matt, my twin brother, snores in the next room. The walls pop where the house settles in the night, and I jump. An owl hoots amidst the night songs of the crickets, and a twig snaps under the foot of someone outside. My heart rate accelerates, and its boom-boom-boom echoes loudly in my ears.

I want to listen closely to make sure that I’m not imagining the footsteps, but I can’t hear anything other than my heart and heavy breathing. Matt’s snoring breaks through the symphony of my fear playing in my ears. I take a deep breath and mentally count to ten. It’s something Dr. Finnegan tells me will help when I’m upset. My breathing calms and so does my racing heart.

I strain my ears to hear. There are more footsteps. He’s here. He’s coming after me like he said he would.

I consider waking up my brother or even my aunt and uncle, but I don’t know what I would tell them. The truth is out of the question, and I don’t want to wake them at three in the morning when they have school and work in just a few hours. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I have to do something. I have to make sure that he doesn’t kill me.

I grab my cell phone off the nightstand and dial a number I haven’t called in almost a year.

Hello, Christian answers.

I need you.

Alex? He pauses. What’re you doing calling me in the middle of the night? His speech is still somewhat slurred from sleep, but he sounds angry.

I need you. I close my eyes to keep the tears at bay.

Why?

I’m scared.

Can’t Matt help?

I don’t know.

This is crazy. We have school in a few hours.

I think there’s someone in the yard.

What? He sounds more alert now.

I heard someone walking in the front yard.

You sure it wasn’t just an animal?

No.

He pauses, but I hear more movement on his end. I feel bad for waking him, but he’s always been there for me.

I’ll be there soon, Christian says, and the phone beeps. I stare at it and listen to my surroundings. I sit still and hold my breath, eyes still on my phone. The footsteps are closer to my room now.

I slide out of bed, pull my curls back into a ponytail, walk to the door, and quietly open it. The hinges on the wooden door squeak, as I pull it open. I flinch hoping I haven’t woken anyone. Matt snores in the room next to me, and no one comes rushing down the hallway to see what’s going on. I manage to slide through the door without making any further noises. I feel my way along the hallway in the dark using my cell phone as a light to guide me until I’m past everyone’s rooms.

As I wait at the door for Christian, I want to look out the peep hole, but I’m afraid of who I’ll see. That’s when it hits me. I just sent Christian to check and see if there’s a murderer in my front yard.

Tires crunch on some loose gravel in the driveway. I’m shaking. The engine’s cut, and I hear a door open and shut. I finally peek out the peep hole, and in the dim light of the street lamp, I see Christian walking onto the porch.

I hurriedly open the door to keep from making any unnecessary noise. He steps in, and I shut and lock the door quietly behind him. I wrap my arms around him, and after a minute, he holds me back. I melt into his embrace like I used to and cry.

It was a dog. His body is stiff against mine.

I’m sorry, I whisper into his chest.

Tell me what’s going on.

He pushes me away from him. With tears still in my eyes, I grab his hand and lead him into the den to our left.

Christian pulls away from me, and I feel the cold, hard sting of rejection. He walks to the tan sofa and takes a seat. I follow his lead and sit beside him. I turn so I’m facing him and tuck my legs underneath me.

His gaze stays on the brick fireplace straight ahead. I stare at him hoping it won’t anger him any further. He wears a pair of blue plaid pajama pants and a wrinkled Bakersville High Crows t-shirt. His brown hair makes a kind of faux-hawk from where he’s tossed and turned in his sleep, and I have to admit that I still find him extremely attractive.

He turns his hazel eyes on me. They’re heavy with sleep and irritation. I try to keep the tears from escaping my eyes as I think of how much he must hate me.

What’s going on? he asks.

I flinch and say, I can’t tell you.

Seriously? You drag me out of bed over a stupid dog and you won’t even give me a decent answer?

He raises his voice, and I flinch again, hoping no one else in the house hears him. He shakes his head and stands. I grab his hand and much to my surprise, he stops. Without looking at me, he asks, What do you want from me, Alexia?

I just need you right now.

He turns back to face me. His eyebrows are furrowed and his lips pursed. He pulls his hand away but takes a seat beside me anyway. Maybe that’s promising. I don’t want him to leave. I need him, but it’s my fault I don’t have him.

Tears blur my vision again, and I feel so weak, like a stupid damsel in distress. I don’t want to be the girl who cries at the drop of a hat and needs a man to save her.

The wind howls around the house, and I jump. I’m such a wuss. I cover my eyes with my hands and hope that will keep the tears from flowing again, but Christian takes ahold of my hand and gently tugs on it. We fall into our old routine. I move closer to him, and he wraps his arms around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and despite my attempts of preventing it, cry. He rests his head against mine and gently rubs my back. He smells like fresh linen, and I try not to think about the good memories we’ve had.

It’s okay, he whispers.

It isn’t going to be okay. My hard exterior is crumbling. I’ve done so well at keeping it all intact. What’s happening to me?

You know you can tell me anything, he whispers, and for a minute, I actually believe he still cares.

This is about your parents, isn’t it?

I can’t tell him the truth.

Don’t want to talk about it then.

No, I whisper.

You sure?

Yeah. I need to talk about it, but I can’t risk anyone else finding out. I’m frustrated with myself. I know he thinks I don’t trust him, but that isn’t true. If I could trust anyone, it would be him.

Christian pulls me closer to him, and I feel safe and protected. We fall silent, and after a while rearrange ourselves on the couch. He still has his arm wrapped around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder.

I look at the large brown clock hanging on the wall above the mantle. We only have two hours before we need to get up and dress for school, but I don’t mention that to him. I want to be selfish for once. I want him to hold me like he used to.

Chapter Two

I’m so sorry. I laugh. I wasn’t paying attention.

It’s cool. He laughs and faces me. I had stopped to see what your opinion was.

On what?

The quarterback from Grant.

He’s cute.

He laughs again and says, Well, that wasn’t quite what I meant.

He winks at me and takes a hold of my hand. My stomach flutters. Come on. We’d better get you to the Explorer before you walk out in front of a bus or something.

I laugh and look down at Landon’s rough hand holding mine. It feels oddly comforting. Things between us have always been casual. We flirt some, but it has never been serious and never to this degree in front of my brother and ex-boyfriend. He has been spending more time with me in the past couple of months though, but I still called Christian last night instead of him. I look at him, and he stares back at me, smiling. I smile back and pull my hand out of his. He winks, and we continue on towards my brother and Christian.

Matt asks, Ready to go? as soon as we make it to them.

Yep. I toss my book bag in the back. I can feel the heat from Christian as he stands close to me.

Hey, I say, unsure of what to expect after last night. Things have been awkward with us all day.

Hi.

He stares at me, and I want to throw myself into his arms. My voice shakes as I say, I’m going to get in the car and wait on Matty.

He nods, and I step around him and jump into the car. I close my eyes and will my brother to hurry up his conversation with Landon.

I’m sure that Christian has moved on after all the mess I’ve put him through, so even if I did want to date him again, he probably wouldn’t have me. I feel like someone has punched me in the gut.

What are they doing? I ask as Matt slides into the Explorer.

Taking their own cars back to Christian’s, and then we’ll all ride to the game together. His voice is sharp, and he sits rigid.

Okay.

What’s going on with you? he asks.

What are you talking about?

First you call over Christian and then you’re holding hands with Landon. What’s the deal?

My breathing grows ragged. Had Christian seen it too?

I wasn’t holding his hand. He held mine, but I pulled away.

What’s your game, Alex?

Matty, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Landon is the one who took my hand. I didn’t even ask him to wait for me. I was pulling my hair back, and he stopped. It wasn’t my fault.

So you don’t have feelings for him?

I don’t know.

Don’t lead him on. I sigh. Why is my brother giving me the third degree? Just watch it, he says.

What are you implying?

I don’t want him getting hurt too.

Yeah. ‘Cause that’s what I’m planning on.

Well, I’m sure you didn’t plan on hurting Christian.

I clinch my hands into fists and stare at him. Thanks for that.

Listen. I understand why you thought you had to break up with him, but you didn’t have to.

I turn my head and stare out the window. Christian’s ahead of us in his truck. Matt’s right. I didn’t have to break up with him, but I was scared. Now, I have to live with my mistakes.

Matt starts the engine and drives out of the school parking lot. He turns on the local rock station, The Buzz, and some song I don’t recognize comes on.

Who’s this? I ask.

Seriously? Are we even related? It’s Sevendust.

You know I prefer pop rock.

Yeah. We all wish you didn’t. He laughs and drums to the beat on the steering wheel.

I smile back at him and shake my head and look out the window. I think about Christian and Landon and what I’m going to do about them. I wonder if Christian will ever consider taking me back. He isn’t going to wait around on me forever considering I’m the one who ended the relationship to start with. And then there’s Landon. I should probably just end it before he gets any ideas of dating me. I did have my reasons for ending my relationship with Christian. No one deserves to be with me and my baggage.

What’re you going to do? Matt asks.

I don’t know.

Do you want to be with Christian?

Okay then, he says when I don’t answer, but you’d better be figuring it out.

I turn my attention back to the window. What do I want? I’m not even sure anymore.

We pull into the driveway of Christian’s house. Matt’s already on the front porch before I can get out. I don’t want to be here. I want to go back home. This is going to be awkward, and I know I’ll feel out of place. I want to sit out here until the football game. Instead of watching them play hours worth of Halo, I could go home, but after last night, I’d rather not be alone. My stomach twists, and I steel my nerves and walk through the door. Matty’s feet are plopped on the coffee table, and Christian fidgets in the seat next to him. I sit in a recliner and stare at the floor.

Matt walks into the kitchen without warning. I don’t like being left alone with Christian especially when I can feel him staring at me. I bounce my legs up and down.

How are you doing? Christian asks.

Okay. You? I stare at the flower pattern on the rug.

I’m okay.

We fall into an awkward silence again. I look around the living room. It’s the same as it has always been. There are pictures of Christian everywhere ranging from childhood to more recently. There are even a couple of pictures of me and Christian. I wonder why the pictures haven’t been taken down. They’re just painful reminders of what was.

You guys want anything? Matt yells from the kitchen, and I’m thankful that my brother is saving me from this awkward moment.

A coke, Christian answers.

Alex? Matt calls when I don’t answer.

Water.

What?

Water, I say a little louder, and I look towards Christian. I don’t know why but I do. I smile and hope it seems sincere. At least he smiles back.

I want to say something, but we fall silent again. Technically, I guess it is my turn to start another conversation to keep things from getting too awkward again. I’m sure he doesn’t want to keep talking to me. We’ve hardly spoken to each other. Did I do something wrong?

Thanks, I say at the same time that he says, How are you after last night?

We both laugh yet avoid eye contact.

For what? he asks.

Coming over this morning.

No problem.

I appreciate it though.

His face grows somber before he asks, Why did you need me exactly? Couldn’t you have gotten Landon to come over?

I want to crawl in a hole somewhere and avoid this conversation entirely.

Landon doesn’t understand how messed up I am like you. It is the truth, but I didn’t even think about calling Landon even though I knew he would’ve come over for me.

You aren’t messed up, Alex, he says sighing, You’re in pain. That’s normal.

I should’ve moved on by now. Why am I even having this conversation with him? I should keep my mouth shut.

Your parents died. You just don’t get over something like that. I know my dad didn’t die, but he might as well be dead if you ask me. I kind of know how it feels.

I’m sorry about that.

We’re better off without him.

We fall silent again, and I start to wonder where Matty and Landon are. Matt’s probably hiding away, and Landon’s taking his precious time getting here. Someone better get here soon.

Christian stares at me, and I stare at the ground trying to avoid his gaze. Matt finally comes back into the living room carrying snacks. He hands Christian a soda first and then me the water. He opens the bag and starts munching on the chips. He holds the bag out to me and says, You didn’t eat lunch.

I’m not hungry.

You have to eat.

But…

Eat.

I know I won’t win this argument, so I grab a few chips out of the bag. I look at him and shake my head. Christian laughs; Matt joins in; and things start to feel almost normal again.

The door opens, and Landon walks inside. What’s so funny?

Christian stops laughing and looks at Landon and then at me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, so I stare at the potato chips in my hand.

Matt answers, Alex’s stubbornness.

If anyone’s stubborn, it’s you, Matty, I say.

You’re both equally stubborn, Landon says laughing, as he walks down the hallway towards the bathroom.

After I watch Landon walk down the hallway, I turn back around to see Christian staring at me. I don’t want to isolate either Christian or Landon, and I want them both in my life. But I feel like I will have to make a decision between the two soon.

I take a drink of water and set it and the chips aside. I cross my legs underneath me in the recliner and wait for something to happen. I don’t know what I expect, but at this point, anything will be better than sitting under the scrutinizing eye of Christian.

Landon walks back into the room. He flips the loose bun I pulled my hair into earlier, and I look at him and smile. He smiles back, and he has such a beautiful smile that lights up his eyes. He winks and walks on to the recliner opposite of me on the other side of the coffee table. I look towards Christian who has turned to stare ahead of him. I wonder what he’s thinking, but I’m sure I don’t really want to know judging by the frown on his face.

Landon watches me when he asks, So, what’re we doing?

Beats me, Christian answers not even looking at him.

Halo? Matt suggests.

Landon looks at me. I’m sure that’ll go over well with you.

You know I don’t care, I say. I have a hard time meeting his gaze, and I want to kick myself for being shy around him.

All righty then, Matt says, Let’s play.

Christian turns on the TV and then the Xbox. I walk out to the Explorer and grab my bag. When I settle back in the recliner, I start reading Macbeth again. They play their game while I read.

I can’t really focus on Macbeth at the moment. I just skim through it and highlight some important information I might be able to use in my paper. About twenty minutes into the game, Christian sets down his remote leaving Landon and Matty to play the game on their own. He walks into the kitchen. I debate on whether or not I should follow him but decide that he probably wants to be on his own. I stay where I am. Landon looks at me right after Christian walks out of the room. I smile, but before he smiles back, there’s a look in his eyes that I can’t quite decipher.

Chapter Three

The night air smells of hamburgers on the grill and popcorn. It’s crowded being the biggest game of the season with rival schools playing each other, and everyone is chatting loudly. Next to me, my aunt and uncle talk about their daughter, Alisa, and her cheerleading. I couldn’t be more bored.

Uncle Dave nudges me in the side with his elbow. What’s on your mind, kiddo?

Nothing.

You’re such a liar, he teases, and I smile at him. Tell me what’s going on? Does it have to do with Christian?

I