The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers

The

Fabulous Spawlszoff

Brothers

© Copyright 2001 by Terry Aspinall

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means – electronic, mechanical, photographic (photocopying) recording, or otherwise – without prior permission in writing from the author.

ISBN : 9781476042381

Published by Terry Aspinall

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Table of Contents

Dedication

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Dedication

Like to dedicate this book to my wife who has suffed many long hours on her own while I was chasing my dream of becoming a musician for over 40 years. To rub salt into the wounds I have even sought her help in the writing of this book.

Also like to remember all the musicians who I have played with over the years who are no longer with us. I look forward to playing with them once again when I also reach the other side.

Introduction

This story is fiction, however it is based on a collection of funny events and jokes that actual happened.

The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers Rock n Roll band takes you along to several of their gigs so you might enjoy the fun, comedy and tricks they get up to. All of which are actual events that I was involved in during the past 40 years, while playing with different bands performing in the UK, Germany, New Zealand and Australia.

I would also like to apologise in advance for any mistakes that you might find as I rely heavily on the so called latest modern spell checker.

Chapter 1

THE PURPLE FIN

TUNA FISHING CLUB

The crowd was already on its feet; cheering and clapping wildly as the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers suddenly re-appeared on stage. To refer to them as a crowd, is a slight distortion of the truth, when in actual fact, there were only forty-five and a half people attending the venue, the half, being a very small guy known as Lofty, who usually accompanied the band around to most of its gigs. The rest of the gathering consisted of a cocktail of friends, and usual hangers on to any band that found themselves unlucky enough to be performing in the area.

They had assembled in a very long spacious wooden hut that was situated on the out skirts of Gympie town. Officially, it was known as the Purple Fin, Tuna Fishing Club. However, to a few of the locals it was better known as the OK Corral, a dive where reputations were made or lost, amongst the local young bucks who frequented the premises. The town of Gympie, used to be an old gold mining out post and was situated about three hours drive north of Brisbane. It's very early hard pioneering history seemed to have continued through to the present day. Which is why to some in the country, it had attracted another tongue-in-cheek infamous nickname of the gun capitol of Queensland. Something that the band had laughed off, when offered the booking, by their agent Dorian Legger.

The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers launched themselves into the final bracket for the evening with the classical hit Eagle Rock, one of the all time great Australian rock and roll standards of all times. It was loud, flashy and full of balls, and always managed to goad the gathered bunch of drunken revellers into a dancing frenzy. As if to prove the point, before the lead guitarist had completed his finger picking introduction to the song, the dance floor suddenly became a seething mass of hot sweaty bodies that were all in a wild party mood.

The bands on stage policy was to never allow the dancers a break in between numbers; but to leave them gasping for air into they’re by now panting lungs. Therefore the band would lead one song straight into another, thus ensuring that the crowd did not leave the dance floor. Years ago this had been known as a medley of songs, but the band had given it their own interpretation, and insisted it be known to as a ‘Spawlszoff muddily’.

However, there were times when Bluey the lead singer, needed a break and so he would occasionally crack a few one liner jokes to keep them entertained and on his side, not wanting them to return to their seats. During one such break, a young girl walked past him heading towards the toilets that were positioned on the side of the dance floor. Bluey could not resist calling down to her as she walked past, we know where you’re going. Then as the following song was drawing towards its conclusion, the girl reappeared from the toilets and proceeded to once again walk past the stage. Bluey again called down to her, Could you hear us out there? Shyly she replied No.

Bluey was quick to tell her and all of the other people that were gathered in the room. We could hear you.

Bluey Spawlszoff was the singer and bass player of the band. His real name was Barry Allcock. He was an old fashioned larrikin and prided himself as being the comedian in the band. He would crack a joke from any remark that came up during a conversation. However, at times some of his remarks could be cruel and downright intimidating. He also had an annoying habit that was a discomfort to all those who were in close proximity to him. He constantly passed wind that always smelt like rotten old meat.

All too quickly and to the disappointment of all on the dance floor, the evening began drawing to a close. The band found itself launching into the penultimate song of the night. This number had been specially chosen so that each band member could demonstrate his or her own particular talents to the eagerly watching crowd. That by now had swollen to number at least forty-nine people. Unfortunately, the half was missing. Lofty had somehow staggered drunkenly outside and had collapsed into a very small heap at the back of the outside toilet shed, an area where the men folk gathered frequently during the evenings drinking binge.

After completing a couple of verses of the song, and with the band still playing, Bluey stopped singing and introduced the drummer to the audience as Nicky Spawlszoff. Then turning towards him he called out, Take it away Kaiser. To which Nicky burst into what was to be a very long, loud and intricate drum solo.

This was an exhibition that most drummers had undertaking way back during the early 60s and 70s. Unfortunately, over the years it had been dropped as an attraction. Bluey had decided that it was time to revive this old tradition and in doing so the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers, were the only band in the area that entertained their audience in this way. Bluey also believed that he had been right in his assumption that audiences still wanted to see a drummer display his skills and talent. This section of the show always stopped the audience in their tracks, as they eagerly watched what was to follow. There were not many people around who could dance to a drum solo, but their feet would continue to tap to the beat of the bass drum that echoed like thunder around the room.

Nicky Spawlszoff carried several quite apt nicknames in the music industry, one of them being Justin Time, which actually described his drumming to a tee. His parents had however named him Adrian Balls, a name that was always open for further comment, by all who were introduced to him. However, he was the hard man of the band, and nobody, argued or tangled with him. His sheer size intimidated anybody who stood next to his very big muscular body. Needless to say, the endless stream of drummer jokes that usually did the rounds was off limits when it came to Nicky. For some unknown reason Bluey was the exception to the rule. Nicky would always let him get away with it and indeed sometimes he would even join in with the laughter that followed the joke. It had always been accepted that these two were old mates and their friendship went back many years as they had played in several bands together. In fact, they had been the original founding members of the Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers band, way back in the mid-nineties.

Nicky came from a very long line of staunch upper class German aristocracy. You would have thought that with this background certain subjects were taboo and out of bounds. The first thought being, that you must never mention the war. However, nothing could be far from the truth, because Nicky thrived on it, answering those who choose to make fun of the fact that Germany lost both World Wars. He would put on his richest German accent while clicking his heels together. He would then lunge into his version of the way he saw the outcome. What had happened was a long-term strategy, so that the allies would bear the cost of rebuilding his mother country, and making it the rich and powerful leading world nation that it is today. This was a subject that Bluey exploited to the full. At every opportunity he would try to intimidate and force Nicky to impersonate the German officer from the film Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines, something that he could do so well. This is why Bluey always refer to him as the Kaiser.

The drum solo moved along at a very fast pace and went on for almost eight minutes. Then as it started to slow down Nicky gave the other members of the band a nod, and they all re-launched themselves back into the song. After a further couple of bars, Bluey used his hands to indicate to the band that he wanted them to lower the volume. He then introduced the lead guitarists to the crowd informing them that they were about to bear witness to a fabulous solo. The crowd were then treated to a very loud ear piercing long lead break that many other crowds in the Brisbane area had experienced over the years.

Terry Spawlszoff, whose real name was Frazzacrackley, was the lead guitarist with the band. He was the straight man who could never join in on a joke, not having an ounce of fun in his body. His expressionless face bore witness to that fact. It was also thought by the other members of the band that he was gay. Unfortunately, he had not chosen to come out of the closet as they say, while having to endure the constant jokes about his femininity. Bluey would always taunt him that he had lost the key to the cupboard or that he had thrown it away on purpose. Terry also suffered from a loss of hair on the crown of his head. So he had taken to wearing a small toupee to cover the spot during each performance. This was a constant source of fun for the other members of the band, because at times it would move around during a performance on stage. It also had a colour problem, as it had faded over the years and Terry had not thought to replace it with a new one.

Once while playing another of his long lead breaks, he had swung his head around very quickly, while the toupee had refused to move with the remainder of his head. The other band members had a problem finishing off the gig that night because of the side-splitting laughter amongst them. Terry would usually be a little oiled up before he went on stage, so the toupee was never lined up in quite the same position for each gig. He had always tried to keep it a secret from the other members of the band. Unfortunately, he had not been very successful and suffered constant ribbing, gritting his teeth he endured all that was thrown at him. Secretly the other members of the band had nicknamed his toupee the Cowpat and occasionally the Rat.

Terry was also very vague and slow on the up take of anything funny. At times he looked like he was a thousand miles away from what was happening around him. He usually found it hard to work out the punch line of the funniest of jokes. When he did, the remainder of the band would have already progressed onto a completely new one At times it seemed like he was a complete subject behind everybody else. His conversations did not seem to fit in with the discussions around him.

At a predetermined spot, just as Terry ended his lead break, the band suddenly stopped. Exactly four beats later, without any movement or signals from each other, they launched themselves straight into Time is Tight, their last number for the evening. The spotlight then moved to the keyboard player who thrived on the attention and played like the old pro he had become.

Claudie Spawlszoff was the Keyboard player and the musical arranger for the band. At times, this could be a little daunting. Acquiring all the words for the songs and working out the chord sequences was quite difficult. However Claudie was not handicapped. To him it was all part of the job. He thrived and revelled in the musical challenge. He was also the grass smoker in the band and could not help himself. He usually managed to have a couple already rolled joints ready to light up during each performance. The other members just accepted it, because when it came to his arranging and playing, it did not seem to affect his musical ability. Bluey had once remarked that he had seen him when he was not smoking. He looked a mess and that his musical skills seemed to be hampered badly. Anyway most of the band dabbled in the drugs scene, but only with the occasional roll up or the odd tablet that might be handed around the venues.

Claudie was also into trivia questions and was always reading small books on the subject. While travelling in the van to the bookings he would constantly be asking everybody questions, to which many ended up being the catalyst of a fully fledged argument amongst all those aboard. However, he had a canny knack of getting Nicky to take his side of the argument and that ensured he was always right. After all, he was reading it directly from a book, so he had to be right.

All too suddenly, and to the disappointment of the crowd the musical entertainment for the evening was over. The drummer undertook a very long drum roll that led the whole band into the final note of the tune and the night. Bluey thanked the crowd for coming and said that they would see them all again sometime in the future. He also announced that the following night the band would be playing in Brisbane at the Geebung Polo Club, on the north side of the city. Knowing full well that, nobody would bother to make that journey just to see the band. However, he continued to invite them to bring along a friend and to introduce them to the band, especially if they were of the female variety. Then, he turned and looked at Terry and added that they could also introduce the boys if the felt like it. He then went on to tell them that if they were drinking and driving, that they should not forget their car. This was Bluey at his best. He just loved the one-liners.

The stage and dance floor was suddenly flooded by a mass of artificial light, as the barman switched on all the main lights in the room, and the venue lost the atmosphere of the night. The magic of the evening had been transformed back into an ugly pumpkin. Now everything looked ordinary. Just like any other public bar in any Australian hotel. Some of the guys on the dance floor could be seen grabbing their girl friends and heading for the exit doors. While the remaining unattached patrons looked around and were amazed to see who or what, they had been dancing with during the night. This was the time when the band, while packing up their gear, watched the remaining single males on the dance floor, trying to make their last minute score for the evening. To most of them, it did not matter