4015 Days

4015 Days

By David Carr

Published by David Carr at Smashwords

Edited for Smashwords by Lorraine Carr

Copyright 2012 David Carr

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: The First Night We All Slept Through The Night

Chapter 2: Being Present

Chapter 3: Parent Promise

Chapter 4: Consumerism/Technological Isolation

Chapter 5: Goals and Expectation Inventory

Chapter 6: Days Before Birth

Chapter 7: The Family Theater

Chapter 8: Responsibilities and Memories

Chapter 9: Positive Mental Attitude

Chapter 10: Confidence Building

Chapter 11: Foundation For The Future

Chapter 12: Making Good Choices

Chapter 13: Off With The Training Wheels!

Chapter 14: Observation, Experience and Absorption

Chapter 15: Affirmation

Chapter 16: Observe, Evaluate and React - The OER Method

Chapter 17: Playtime

Chapter 18: The Natural World

Chapter 19: Faith and Optimism

Chapter 20: Physical Activity

Chapter 21: Artistic Expression

Chapter 22: Environmental Negativity

Chapter 23: Family Mealtimes

Chapter 24: Commercial Visual Media and Television

Chapter 25: Voice Tone and Speech

Chapter 26: Investing Time and Making Memories Together

Chapter 27: Ending Childhood - Reflections and Realization

Introduction

Sharing the most experiences possible with the child and family is an adult life stage plan, and a personal choice. This is a Dad's personal commitment to embrace and fully experience the period in life when he is a Dad, not just a father. 4015 days reflects the birth to 11-year period when a child is most developmentally accepting of parent influence.

The awareness that this is a limited window of time for the parents and child is key in choosing this personal path of time allocation. To realize later in life that one could have spent more time with their child could be a sad personal reckoning that cannot be reversed. We often hear, Time is money, These are the best years, or Nobody ever looks back in life and wishes they worked more and spent less time with their children.

By becoming aware of this limited window of opportunity and choosing to delay participation in more traditional, adult only pastimes in favor of parent/child bonding, experience creation, shared life experience and teaching, is the difference of being just a father, or a fully realized Dad.

As I pass day 3837 in my journey since the birth of my children, I can say I have an immense feeling of personal satisfaction as well as affirmation from friends, family and colleagues, Lorraine and I have made a good and admirable decision. Our children are happy, healthy, socialized, have a wide range of interests, spend lots of time playing outside, have vigorous imaginations, and enjoy life daily with minimal video screen time.

This work is dedicated to Lorraine who has been my friend since 1987, my wife and partner since 1989 and the mother of our children since 2002.

The First Night We All Slept Through The Night

I opened my eyes and saw the morning light had filled our room that day in early May. Lorraine lay next to me peaceably sleeping; everything was quiet. I stretched and smiled to myself thinking I didn’t get up in the middle of the night. I must have slept through the early morning bottle. I’d been waking up most nights but not all. Sometimes when my twin sons woke up crying for a bottle, Lorraine would have already heard them and made her way to their room to give them each one of the pre-mixed formulas or maybe a bottle of mother’s milk. We would take turns sitting in the gliding chair, one in each arm, giving them their bottles. Joshua and Nathaniel were on the same schedule so if one woke up hungry and crying the other would join his brother in an enthusiastic cry for satisfaction. Many nights we would both get up and one of us would pick them both up and sit in the chair while the other would get the bottles or change one of them. With twins there are two of everything including all the happiness and little smiles and laughs. This morning, however, seemed different seeing Lorraine just lay there peaceably. So I just lay there and thought about how much had happened in the two months since they were born.

Where did the time go and where was it going? Where was I going to be and how would it all seem when I got there? Would I just wake up someday in my bed some morning in 20 years and say to myself, What happened? The time went so fast. Or will I look back on my Dad Days as a truly satisfying life experience, fully realized through my commitment and presence?

The memory of what some people say to parents of children echoes in my mind. It struck me what people say now when they see our sons is what I remember as a young boy, I remember you when you were this big! and they hold their hand halfway up the child. I remember my mom teaching me to reach high over my head and say, I remember you when you were this tall, which always made people laugh. Or people say, My you have grown fast!! like that child is somehow growing faster than other children. Or, Where did the time go, it seems like just yesterday; you boys are growing so fast!

Yesterday I had lunch with a friend who said to me the only way he knows he is getting older is by watching his kids grow up. I agree my perception of time has changed, as I have become a parent. By being focused on my kids, I have focused less on things and myself I would choose to do first because I like to or want to explore new directions. I have chosen to do things with my kids that they could participate in and were relevant to them instead of with my personal hobbies, friends and co- workers. This is a good decision for me in these days, because my children have added excitement, dimension, learning, happiness, satisfaction, and much fun to my life.

Being Present

My decision to be present for them and show them they are valued is an individual choice and an expansion of my life experience. Our presence now will continue to support them all their lives, with the internal understanding that they are, and will have, the ability to be capable, important and vital members of their peer groups and families of the future. They will likely have a full sense of self because of their experience that their family has loved, valued and chosen them above all else. I believe this is a part of my spirit that will be passed on through generations.

The greatest gift you can give your children is your time and your attention to their experience of the world. This is also the best investment you can make in yourself and your family as a parent. All the other things you may think you need, can be obtained other ways. Your unique presence and connection with your children is irreplaceable and invaluable.

Being in the moment of and with your child means totally losing your timeframe as long as possible to be in the experiential focus and experience of your children. If they are exploring a stuffed animal or a puzzle, you watch what they do and see their interest. Try and join in by looking at what they are looking at. See the amazement. This will occur more after age two and will continue through until they do not want you to be a major social force in their lives.

Being completely involved in your present time and experience with your child while deciding to step back from your adult life allows you to be clear and fully connected to the Dad experience. Accepting that everything is as it is now and will be so when you think about it again, can let it be in thought. It's easy to hear the to-do list of obligations pulling me away from play dough, leading an art experience, or reading a book. This is a conscious decision to let yourself be led by the play choice of your children. Get into the game, build the structure, paint the picture, play with the clay, and watch the stream flow or throw rocks in the pond, or fill the little truck with sand. Roll the ball back and forth until your little one gets tired of that, then watch them seek a new interest. Maybe you won’t play the next game, but you have created the understanding you will play some games, and you will be invited to play again, and again, and again, as long as you accept the invitation.

Allowing the moments to give meaning and memories to my life as a Dad expands my definition of myself as an individual, husband, friend, adult, and father. Time for immersion in new experiences and meaning instead of your familiar adult routine of daily life is a tough idea for parents. We all want to see our kids be happy and succeed. In reality that success is hard won over a long time, and our little ones are just beginning. Some of the earliest successes are building with blocks and Tinker toys. The success you help your child have today putting together a shaped toy or assembling a puzzle, will lay the groundwork for future feeling of competence and self-confidence. You may be tempted to just finish the challenge because your baby wants the frustration to end. I believe that helping her assemble each piece or part and encouraging her with your constant, patient voice is the best.

Speed and depth of observation is another amazing skill children possess. Consider your level of time commitment to something you understand vs. the child’s exploration of a ripple of water or passing car. Everything is amazing and worthy of exploration to your little one; the joy of learning is not to be taken lightly. Over time, if we teach our children it’s better to ignore than explore, soon they may choose that life path.

Cause and effect lessons begin early when your baby drops his bottle on the floor and you pick it up. Soon it can be a game of drop bottle - see mommy get annoyed. Smart parents quickly leave the bottle on the floor a little while longer, giving their little one a moment to consider if they really want it. Soon it’s not a game but the realization the bottle falling means a delay in eating. Cause and effect continues to be a major learning theatre for our children as we carefully evaluate their intention or nativity about doing something we know is not acceptable. By consistently remembering they are children, ensuring their sense of safety and acceptance is the most important thing we do for them as we help them move through the lessons of life. As our children get to the age of reason, around 7-8 years old, we will change our tactic to greater responsibility for things we have discussed in the past, like breaking toys will not make a new one appear.

Teaching moments can happen when you least expect them, and when you are least prepared to make the most of them. As a Dad you will have many chances to teach your children good examples and bad habits, depending on how you live your life. A person who cuts you off when you are driving may cause you to honk, yell or slow down and hope they do not get in an accident. Your child will remember how you handle this. If you smoke or stay healthy will be remembered, as will the way you talk to your neighbors, make comments about people who are different than you and if you are involved in your neighborhood and community. How you help your child make the most of a failed attempt or bad decision may be remembered. Will you yell at your child when he tries to pour a glass of milk and spills a gallon? Will you help him clean it up and tell him that you made mistakes too? Will you show him a better way to pour milk by putting the glass on the table? How you help him work that homework problem or get through the argument with a friend will be remembered, as will how he sees you take care of your clothing. Do you speak kindly and lovingly about your wife and extended family members?

Teaching your children you love and value them by saying it and showing it on a daily basis will give them the support and confidence to grow up while wanting to be connected to you. Telling them they are good at something every time you see them making a good decision or a thoughtful action will make a difference and be a memorable lesson. Telling them they are good at math, reading, art, running, bike riding, cookie baking and leaf raking will build their confidence.

By being honest enough to tell them you can’t be good at everything the first time you pick it up, showing our children how we learn new things, and telling them we make mistakes, will set the stage for them to be confident, life long learners. I told my older children how Thomas Edison failed over a thousand times before he made the light bulb, and have shared the story of Abraham Lincoln's multiple failures before he became president. Persistence and tenacity are strengths that are learned from failure and success. Most things important, enjoyable and worth learning, are worth taking the time to get good at. Learning that not giving up is something to be good at. Persistence is the key to success. 80% of success is showing up for the game with a positive attitude, ready to play.

Some things our children see us doing as Dads and men, as well as things they do not see, effectively define us as a person in their eyes, as well as our own. I have the choice to expand my personal definition of my self or continue on the path I was on prior to the arrival of my children. For most of us, before our children came along, we were involved in a manageable range of adult experiences.

Now we have a whole new menu of experiences available to us for a variety of reasons. We may not be able to play those games as much, or spend time with the guys after work every day if we want to fully experience our new life identity. Wanting to experience that new life is what this message is all about. Realizing the old life will be there forever, but the young children you have at home now will not.

This book is about the gifts we give our children and ourselves in the formative developmental years of their lives, and our lives as the young parents of our young family. It is about the challenges of daily life and the many experiences, rewards, challenges and demands on your time.

It is about making the right decisions in the moment so someday you will look back and say you did the right thing. Knowing you made the right decisions and can relive these days with your children in your memory with pride and a warm heart, free of regrets for bad choices and pursuits of pastimes and passions that only seemed important at that time.

It is about the relational and individual foundations we lay for our children upon which they will stand through their lives. Much has been written about the importance of bonding and attachment in an infant’s life. Birth to Three years has been defined as critical for healthy, holistic children. The early 21st century in The United States is an environment that is challenging the healthy family and healthy child, with numerous stories of tragedy and broken young lives.

This book is about families’ commitment to the future of their children and the daily choices made to envision and build a stronger, more functional internal foundation for the children. It is about what our children need from us but will never ask because they don’t have the perspective to know. That is like a child who grows up in a household of cigarette smokers who feels the effects of the smoke in his development and becomes a smoker instead of breathing clean air all his days. It’s about us knowing what to do before we have to think back and say I wish I did.

This book is about choosing to be more active and less passive, about being more involved in an amazing world that does not exist forever, before it is too late. It is about accepting an invitation from children to play, laugh, learn, love, wonder, ponder and explore the world together.

This book is about finding the right answers and good decisions nobody else in the world can do because there is only one father and Dad to your children. You and your life partner know your children better than anyone. I use the term life partner to include unmarried couples and other non-traditional family systems. Sure, there will be many role models as your kids grow up - local coaches, teachers, neighbors, and family members. However, there will also be undesirable behavior models filling that time vacancy such as popular culture, entertainment media and a host of temptations and time killers. There may be the emptiness of your child’s memory of, ‘What would my dad have done then?’ when it’s time for you child to make decisions for themselves, when it’s time to try harder or give up, to believe in ones' self or doubt, to know they are valued, loved and important, because you have made that investment in them.

I realized the balance we may achieve is the balance we seek in life. There is no promise we will succeed with our goals, yet I believe it more likely we will end up closer to the mark if we have an ideal, a goal, a plan or a vision to guide our journey and evaluate our progress. As I have grown though my days, I have often compared my goal setting with the navigation of a large ship.

It takes a long time and a lot of energy to get a transcontinental oil tanker or transport ship up to optimal operating speed where the inertia of the vessel starts to help propel it though the water. The tanker vessel is most efficient when guided along the most direct path, as the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. If we make errors in our navigation it will take us additional time and energy to make the course corrections.

I have experienced a parallel to my life in that when I have written and committed daily, weekly, monthly, annual and five year goals for myself, I have been most able to achieve success. My objectives that were supported by a deeper commitment, better preparation, and a longer view of success will most likely become reality. This has worked in many specific dimensions of my life - work related goals, physical conditioning goals, learning goals, relationship goals, travel goals, personally and logistically.

As I understand my life before children and with children, there is another very obvious but powerful realization I have used to balance my daily activities. Before my children I was a fully involved man and husband, with the love of my life Lorraine, my friends, family, employment, hobbies, interests and pastimes. Every day before my children was filled with the occupations and pastimes of a modern citizen. All the things I had come to enjoy and involve myself filled my days after I was done with my work. Yet after our family grew, all the things Lorraine and I used to do in our lives were still part of us after they arrived.

Nobody gave me more time to be with my children. I had to make that time out of the same 16 hours a day I am awake every day. There was no change in anything except my gradual awareness of the change, since our children were right there in their little rocking chairs. Sometimes we may find ourselves working more to maintain our family commitment, which makes this even more difficult.

There's an amazingly simple awareness I had about my children once they were born, they just weren't here before, and now they were. We all hope to see our children live past our mortal days; so essentially, they are part of our life forever on. The important part for me was re-defining my life to make room for my sons, and choosing to be open to the magic and influence of there being in my life.

This book is about turning my back on many of the popular culture diversions and distractions of modern life to a simpler time of imagination, creativity, exploration, sharing, watching, success and joy. All too often we are drawn to our mobile communication devices and away from the experience of the moment with our children. While the benefits of email and cell phones cannot be understated, I believe it is essential to develop filtering standards and resist the need to respond so quickly, thus preventing interruption and dilution of the unique and limited moments we are in as young parents.

Parent Promise

So often we have heard the expression of seeing the world through your child’s eyes as one of the miracles of parenthood. These eyes see the purity of the world and of us as parents, in our best light, attentive and loving. The commitment and attention we give today will lay the foundation of a happier, connected family tomorrow.

Remember the vows you may have heard at a