Unintended Heroes

For those who haven't read T is for Time, the prequel to Unintended Heroes, there is information concerning the Earth they inhabit, and the funny little rock's place in the affections of the universe at large, that you will need to know. It follows this brief blurb. For those who have read T is for Time, ta very much. Glad to see you're still intrigued enough to wander through the sequel. Anyway, you'll have read the next part when perusing the first book, but feel free to view it as a refresher.

The original Earth had been a humble planet in an up and coming area of the universe. Known only for its extensive swimming facilities and glorious golf courses it remained a grade two planet and thus exempt from universal law; grade two being any world that realises life must be out there but not yet in meaningful contact with it. This left the quiet planet exempt from the ongoing debate over language.

Aware that communication is the key to harmony the great minds of the wider ethos had asked if having several languages per planet was such a good idea. How can any global society hope to flourish when one nation is unable to ask another to pass the salt? Taking the question to the highest courts in the universe the discussions continued, mainly over extortionately priced lunches that were entirely tax deductible, and a new law was eventually passed. It declared that any world that came under universal jurisdiction, that being grade three and above, would be limited to only one language.

The lawyers, whose responsibility it became to implement the law, were exhausted once the job was done and booked a well deserved all inclusive golfing holiday on Earth. Pitching and putting their way across Europe and in to China they were horrified as they stumbled across language after language, each mocking their efforts more than the last. Unsure how to even begin sorting such a mess, three languages had been the previous maximum encountered on one planet, the lawyers returned to their superiors with a tale to tell. After several high level lunches, and an emergency dinner, a sub section to the language law was passed: It declared the Earth off limits to any outside attempts at communication, even on its birthday. Were it ever to achieve grade three status i.e. any planet in meaningful contact with at least one other, it would come under the universe’s jurisdiction and be forced to use only one language. The admin required for such a task would need a planet to house it, and the cost of lawyers overtime would bankrupt several galaxies. The story however did not end there.

News of the Earth’s abundance of languages soon spread across the universe, attracting interest from all quarters. Although everybody was ultimately driven by curiosity, the scientists, wishing to name a law or principle after themselves, claimed theirs to be more worthy and pushed to the front of the queue. Once there they measured, observed and pondered every angle searching for the infamy their great discovery would bring; however when it did come it wasn’t from the mind of the dedicated brains that yearned for it so desperately.

‘The Unexpected Law of Language Distribution’ was the brainwave of Samuel Unexpected, a maths teacher from a neighbouring galaxy. It states that the Earth not only contains every form of communication in the universe but that it does so in their exact proportion. Furthermore the relationship is dynamic and reflects the universe’s language distribution at all times e.g. should a French speaking planet conquer an Italian, a group of Italians on Earth will take up a French speaking class.

The man behind the theory, Samuel Unexpected, had never intended to create a law, much to the displeasure of the serious scientists who had dedicated their lives to the problem; scientists as a group were growing increasingly tired of all the great discoveries being made by amateurs and had been wondering if violence wasn’t an intelligent solution after all. Samuel had had no desire to steal anyone’s thunder. The only reason he even mentioned the idea was to break the ice with a highly attractive physicist. He thought it would be a good joke and starting point for a general chat. Failing to see the humour she took his comment seriously and went straight home to work on the relevant sums. He was as amazed as her when she turned up the next day to tell him his theory was correct. The attractive physicist fell instantly in love with Samuel’s brilliant mind and they married two days later. After three weeks he found her lack of humour to be something of an issue, fortunately she’d realised there was no brilliant mind after eight hours and had already left.

With the Earth confirmed as a dynamic, linguistic map of the universe its popularity soared, placing Eric Wazinski and his singing table firmly in the shade. Within months it became the number one holiday destination as crowds flocked to hover above its surface and observe the multi lingual folk below. It became a marketing mans dream as everyone clambered to cash in the oddity.

Over time, as with all planets, the life that had flourished slowly dwindled until the Earth evolved back in to a lifeless rock floating through space. With so much money left to be made from the Earth brand it wasn’t long before one enterprising soul saw a way to keep the cash rolling in, and buying the rights to the Earth franchise he offered to re-run the entire cycle of its life on any suitably sized rock a designated distance from a sun. The owner would gain an idyllic home with an in built revenue from tourism, and the universe regained one of its most iconic attractions, only now in infinitely more locations.

As mentioned, Brick and Spiritwind call one of these franchise planets home and were left the duty of saving it from an invading race of aliens in T is for Time. With time stopped, and aliens threatening to relieve the planet of all its tea and coffee, all manner of hilarity ensued. It really is a whizzer of a read, but it's both your choice and right, to jump straight into the sequel. As I was saying, they were helped on this mission by several employees of the Earth franchise, who work under the guise of many of our best known concepts: Fate, Coincidence, Karma etc. How they had come to be in such a profession was as curious as it was unlikely.

The concepts hailed from a planet known as Grinflint: an insignificant rock with no natural resources. Made entirely from marble it had sat as a perfect sphere without undulation, crevice or pebble to interrupt its surface, and had it not floated in the vicinity of Medlock, a planet of such wealth their smallest unit of currency could buy a reasonably priced solar system, it would have remained that way for all time.

Grinflint had been ignored by the Medlockians, until the fashion world decided minimalism was the new everything. Claiming the unoccupied oddity as their own the people of Medlock instructed their staff to load up the luxury crafts, and. within hours the quintillionaires had been chauffeured to the previously pointless ball in space. With little to do but gloat they spent several days showing off the sheer abundance of nothingness to the rest of the universe, before growing restless and deciding minimalism would be far more fun with stuff.

In line with Medlockian culture they decided spending money was the only answer and began importing entertainment and a few home comforts. Importing the social need to outdo each other, along with their vast array of goods, competitiveness soon took hold. When one family grew tired of the flat horizon they installed mountains in the distance, not to be beaten an ocean sprung up in next doors field, quickly followed by the unveiling of an entire forest at number thirty’s regular Sunday brunch. The competition continued and the planet blossomed; however achieving such a thing had meant hiring countless admin staff to deal with orders and installation.

Over time the hired help settled on Grinflint, importing their own workers villages to live in, and began raising families. Unfortunately the career options for their offspring were limited: either admin work or table testing: for a species of admin staff the perfect sit was essential. Fortunately for the people of Grinflint the Earth franchise company formed. They required people who excelled in organisational ability to work as concepts and headed to Grinflint. The residents were thrilled to be given a third career choice.

Fate had been put in charge of activating the two in-built heroes that came with the Earth program: Rick and Biritvind. Unfortunately the combination of a fax machine running low on ink and his brother, Coincidence's, dedication to his work meant the fully trained saviour's next door neighbours were given the task instead: Brick and Spiritwind, two hapless misfits who considered the term a compliment.

As you are reading a sequel it's fair to assume you've worked out that success was achieved. This isn't a post-modern tale with the resonating message that evil usually does pretty well in real life. This is escapism, so good has to win. It's a rule, and everyone knows it, even evil.

The Heroic Guild of all Things Heroic and Splendid was set up to rub the face of bad into the dusty remains of whichever plot had last been foiled. Membership of such came through the award of Grade One Hero Status, the standard qualification for anybody saving a planet. At the end of T is for Time Brick and Spiritwind had returned home from a party to discover their welcome pack in the hall, along with a voucher for a free six inch pizza with every order over thirty pounds and three different taxi numbers. We pick up their lives a few short weeks later.

Contents

Chapter One

You’re fired!

Ha, ha. Spiritwind Jones offered Brick a playful kick to accompany the news their boss had imparted.

You’re fired too Mr Jones. I didn’t invite you here just to gloat over your friend's misfortune.

Oh. Spiritwind took back his kick with a nonchalant face; Brick added a smug grin as garnish before raising what he believed was an essential point.

Technically Mr Doyle you can’t actually fire us. You can only return us to our agency with a shake of the head and thorough disapproval.

Sending you back to your agency with a shake of my increasingly infuriated head simply would not cover the level of annoyance you’ve caused me in the three days you’ve been here. Mr Doyle grew slightly red as he spoke. Now, we’re in my office and I can say and do whatever I like, and I’d really like to say that you are both fired. Displeasure boiled to polite anger.

Could I ask why? Spiritwind required a reason.

You just did mate. Brick required a slap for pedantic behaviour.

Well I had to ask in order to ensure I could ask.

Then should you not have also requested permission to ask if you could ask?

I suppose by my own rules then yes, but you're forgetting....

Shut up, shut up, shut up. Mr Doyle rubbed the top of his increasingly bald head. It was all he could do to stop his hands reaching out to the pair’s throats. Why does everything have to turn in to a mindless debate?

Because Mr Doyle all too often in life we let the small things pass us by when in truth they are the most important things in disguise. Brick looked wistfully towards the picture of Mr Doyle and his area manager. The windy day it was taken on had done nothing to improve either man’s image.

How enlightening Mr Wall. Perhaps you should write a book and try to sell it to people who give a crap.

As much as I appreciate the career advice Mr Doyle I’m not sure it should be expressed with such language. Brick sensed a man on the edge of flying into a rage, a curious beast that should be teased to the exact point of snapping before being allowed to calm down.

No need for……I’ll give you no need. Mr Doyle wagged his finger to release some of his fury. Brick was about to query exactly what being given 'no need' would entail. The question was deflected by Spiritwind pulling a hand sized slice of gateaux from his pocket. He was considering the best angle to attack it from when Mr Doyle noticed. What are you doing?

I’m having a snack. You two seem to be getting on fine without me. Half the slice disappeared.

Mr Doyle’s crimson tint increased as the little hair he had grew ever more flustered. And where did you get this ‘snack’ from?

The waste trolley. Cream remained on Spiritwind's top lip as he swallowed the majority of the treat.

The waste trolley you were instructed to dispose of and under no circumstances eat from? The trolley you are being sacked for eating from?

That’s the one. You wouldn’t really sack someone for eating something that’s being thrown away would you?

I’ve just done it. Am I the only person in this room that's actually listening to this conversation?

It would appear you're not listening very well yourself Mr Doyle. I think we previously established that you haven't fired us, you've merely sent us.....

I don’t care, alright!

Now that’s not a very professional attitude Mr Doyle. Brick risked an actual punch.

And sleeping in the skips is Mr Wall?

I’d like to reiterate that they were purely cardboard skips. Such material, in such quantity, makes a more than suitable mattress. Brick felt this somehow justified his daily naps amongst the rubbish.

If it’s going in the bin what does it matter if it ends up in my mouth instead? Spiritwind wished to raise a legal point.

Because it’s the rules. Mr Doyle added bewilderment to his rage.

Sometimes Mr Doyle we have to question the intention behind the rule before blindly following it. The rule is never our master but merely the messenger to keep us from harm. Should we not be free to interpret that message in any way we see fit? Brick verbally offered his chin to the waiting fist, of his ex-boss.

Mr Doyle could hardly speak as his face contorted through various emotions, all negative and rooted in inflicting pain on the duo. Interpret……why…..what……Get out. He settled on removing them from his sight instead of risking a lengthy prison term.

I think I’ve proved my point. Come on Spiritwind. Let’s leave Mr Doyle to contemplate the message we’ve brought him. The pair rose and left the office, waving goodbye as they went. The door closed behind them to the sound of several pens striking the other side, followed by a gentle weeping.

Mr Doyle sat in his office with his head in his hands for the remainder of the morning; gibbering various insults and re-enacting the violence he wished to inflict upon the pair he’d let go. Had somebody told him the duo had in fact saved the Earth from invading aliens only a week hence he would probably have thrown that person out of his office too, but it was the truth.

Unrecognised and ridiculed rather than believed, Brick and Spiritwind had found themselves in the same situation as before their adventure. With bills to pay they had returned to their temping agency for work. It was the second job they’d lost in a week. Not that they let it get them down. Instead they wandered through the streets of Puddleton in the general direction of home, pondering their options.

So what should we do with this unexpected day of freedom? Brick revelled in the return of his own clothes to his tall yet slender frame. The rigid uniform of capitalist oppression had been choking the very freedom from his soul, and making his legs itch a little.

Perhaps we should knock on at They’s house. See if he can offer any inspiration. Spiritwind took another slice of gateaux from nowhere in particular.

Sounds like we have a plan.

The pair strolled aimlessly towards They’s house, discussing the world with a wisdom no scholar was interested in. The weather became a brief focus. The winter nip had increased. Not enough to force Brick to add an extra layer of clothing to his cardigan, or Spiritwind to his T-shirt, but its presence was noted. Soon the daylight would grow shorter as the sun spent more of its time shining on the other side of the globe.

Arriving at They’s house Brick depressed the doorbell and awaited their host. They worked as one of the concepts that came with the Earth franchise. His duties were to spread myths and rumours around the world, ensuring humans always had something to talk about. After being involved in Brick and Spiritwind’s previous success the trio had formed a bond that could easily be fashioned into friendship. They, opened the door and offered his usual warm but slightly preoccupied welcome.

Morning. Come in, come in. I thought you were working today? He didn’t await the answer, strolling towards the living room backwards in order to maintain eye-contact. Thoughts could be seen dashing across his face. Fate’s here; popped round for some cake and a chat. They continued to rub his head in the hope it would remind him where he was up to with whatever he'd been thinking about. The human duo followed, although Spiritwind lagged behind. They’s hallway was lined floor to ceiling with books, a decorative theme that ran throughout the house. Spiritwind scanned the shelves while Brick entered the hub of the home to fulfil the social duties. He answered They's work based query as he entered the lounge.

We’ve been sent back to our agency in a thoroughly disapproving manner. Brick still refused to label their departure as being sacked. Morning, Fate.

You disapprove of the manner you’ve been sent back in? They attempted to clear up the ambiguity.

No. Although now you mention it yes. Our boss disapproved of our behaviour. Brick took the empty armchair as his seat, leaving They on his favourite thinking chair and Fate on one end of the sofa.

So you were sacked? Fate risked Brick’s ire.

Technically only the agency can sack us. Let’s just say we no longer work at Squintock’s emporium. How’s Karma? Still fallen out?

No. We’re fine. Why? What have you heard? Karma was Fate’s girlfriend and had a notoriously fickle mood. Her often forays in to anger were usually blamed on Fate; his obliviousness as to why was never ample defence.

Nothing, it's just last time we spoke you seemed to be having a disagreement. Anyway how have you been? We’ve not spoke for ages.

We were at the same party two days ago. We spoke for a good twenty minutes about nothing in particular. Fate ran Karma’s mood through his mind. He felt sure everything had been okay that morning.

Were you at that party? I’m a bit blank on it. I remember turning up, and falling down the steps on the way out, but everything in between is gone.

It was at my house.

Oh.

Can I borrow this? Spiritwind appeared around the doorframe. He was holding a book titled ‘All the Things That Spin', and aiming his question at They; who still looked confused.

Of course. It’s good. Key to the universe is in there.

You said that about ‘Ponies that Smoke.’ Morning, Fate. Karma still in a mood?

No. Why does….Morning. Fate gave up and checked his phone for any messages.

Obviously Ponies that Smoke is a bit more subtle about revealing the key to the universe but it’s in there, or am I thinking of ‘Horses that Don’t?

Spiritwind sat on the other end of the settee. Fate distracted himself from anything Karma based, delving further into the pair's morning. So why were you sent back to your agency in a thoroughly disapproving manner?

For exercising our rights to the basic needs of man. Honestly, when the corporations stranglehold on our very liberty grows so strong it is surely time….

Did you go to sleep when you should have been working? Fate interpreted the rant to perfection.

That is how the fat cats chose to label my contemplation time.

And did you eat some of the stock? Fate turned to the bald companion.

Eummpghh, It was the only noise that could escape past the final piece of liberated gateaux.

How’s the hero life then? Fate moved the topic of conversation along. He could see Brick had a pointless rant brewing. It was diverted seamlessly.

Marvellous. Except I can only gloat to Spiritwind and he doesn’t care.

I don’t. The gateaux had gone. Only crumbs were evidence it had ever existed.

I keep telling people but they don’t believe me. One girl phoned the police. Is it that ridiculous to think we saved the world? Fate dodged the question and offered advice instead.

The true reward of heroics lies in the satisfaction you feel, not the glory others heap on to you.

I’m satisfied. I’d just like to be satisfied with a pile of cash and a few ladies to go with it. Brick began scouring They’s shelves as he sat. They were impossible to ignore, and even harder not to be drawn in to.

Or even this month’s rent and an alluring glance from the girl on the till at Allsorts' Bazaar. Spiritwind tailored his ambitions nearer the achievable.

That reminds me. I took a look at the note you gave me. Fate aimed his sentence at Brick. It was the first Brick had heard of it. The note you gave me at the party.

Oh the note. Brick felt obliged to play along, all the time panicking. He’d been working on an elaborate pulling technique involving a note. He hoped he hadn’t implemented it at the party in question.

You told me you’d lost it. Spiritwind joined in. Brick was still unsure which note was in question. He searched for further information under the guise of manners.

Don’t interrupt Fate while he's talking. I apologise for my eager friend. Carry on with the words you were using.

Fate expressed his own confusion. He hadn’t even been about to talk. He was busy removing the note from his pocket. As the metallic envelope came into view Brick felt relief. It was the note the duo had received in the post upon returning home after saving the Earth.

So you’ve heard of the Heroic Guild? Spiritwind spoke. Brick wondered what had happened to his other note. A memory of a disappointed girl holding a piece of paper appeared in his mind, offering no clue as to when it may have been. Brick tried to remember the last time he'd attended a Calypso party. The girl's grass skirt had no other explanation.

Everyone who knows anything about the wider universe knows about The Heroic Guild of all Things Heroic and Splendid. Only thing is it didn’t say what you said it did, Brick.

Brick nodded, nonchalantly masking his panic. Remind me what I said it said again? Maybe he had passed Fate his chat up note after all. Being aware of the power it held Brick feared Fate was about to declare his undying love. Karma would hate him and he’d be stuck with a boyfriend. Brick didn’t even want a heavy relationship never mind the love of somebody from a gender he didn’t fancy.

You said it was a welcoming note from The Guild.

And what does it actually say? Brick tensed as he awaited the end of his days of chasing women. With no knee caps and a jealous boyfriend he could never flirt unsuccessfully with random ladies again.

I’ll read it shall I? Fate opened the envelope and poured the silken puddle in to his waiting hand. The information trickled like the purest spring. Brick curled up wondering why Fate would want to publicly humiliate him in such a way? "It says:

Dear Mr Jones and Mr Wall

An urgent gathering has been called for all grade one heroes and above. The assembly will take place on Velos 19 in the Plotlinius system in the Galaxy of Intertextuality. Your universe needs you and your heroic powers more than ever before. If you require transport press the small box below, next to the phrase ‘I need transport to Velos 19 for the urgent gathering’. We will contact you with further details soon.

Yours

Irish Delirium

Well that isn’t half as romantic as I remember writing it. Brick emerged from his position, confused but warming to the idea of growing old with Fate.

Who’s Irish Delirium? Spiritwind ignored Brick and followed his own line of questioning. They answered in his inimitable style.

Irish Delirium is a legend, a myth, an ideal. More than a collection of atoms strung together in the shape of a mountain of a man. Irish is the only breathing being to hold the highest achievable grade of hero: grade five. He leads the Hero's Guild from the front with the experience of a man who has seen tyranny at its worst, once single-handedly saving the universe from the efforts of Verros Flexx. Fate nodded in agreement, an expression of pride on his face.

So we’re not in love? Brick slowly realised something else was going on and maybe he should stop thinking of themed table centres for a gala wedding. Only puzzled looks returned in his direction. Spiritwind took the note and read it again, then spoke.

Are we definitely grade-one heroes? Spiritwind double checked the entry requirements; he didn’t want a repeat of the whole university fiasco.

It’s the standard reward for saving your own planet. Fate still looked proud, and a little worried at Brick’s confused staring.

Fancy an adventure? Spiritwind turned to Brick. The query snapped him out of his daydream.

Always.

I guess we’re going then. Spiritwind requested a lift with a flourish.

Sorry. What are we doing? Brick felt he’d definitely missed something important.

We’re off on a mission to save the universe.

You know it could be dangerous. Fate felt obliged to offer some warning.

How dangerous can it be on a planet full of heroes? All we have to do is show our faces at the right times and places, look a little busy, and everyone will get on with the real heroics around us. Spiritwind applied the pair’s work ethic.

Leaving us free to talk to the lady heroes. There will be lady heroes won’t there? Brick was over his brief foray into the world of homosexuality.

I’d expect so. Fate didn’t see why not.

They are in for a treat. Brick settled into his mind, imagining himself at the centre of various laser battles, demonstrating gymnastic skills that came naturally in the heat of battle. Spiritwind imagined the cake they’d get to celebrate saving the universe. Fate decided to give Karma a quick ring to check things were really okay, and They finally remembered what he’d been trying to remember, but could no longer recall why he needed to know it. It was a room of intrigue in a multitude of forms.

Contents

Chapter Two

Hugo Cortizone stood atop the burning remnants of Straven Blade’s wilting castle. The hero's silhouette flickered against the flames that consumed the failed efforts of evil. Hanging from the hero's leg: a fair maiden; she glanced upwards and knew that this time the love she felt was real.

The tower she’d been held in for weeks was the only part of the castle still free from fire. Looking down she saw Straven Blade hanging from the window sill she’d spent so long staring from, hoping to be saved. ‘Now who’s in control’? She thought to herself.

Hugo looked up to the smoke filled sky, listening acutely. He awaited the arrival of his ship: Chieftains Desire. It hurtled towards them on auto pilot, timing its appearance for maximum effect.

The strain of balancing on one leg reminded Hugo of the damsel that hung from his other strongly crafted limb. He’d been intending to pull her to safety, but a moment’s posturing within such a scene of carnage was too much to miss. He’d become sidetracked with thoughts of which month the image would suit best on his latest calendar. Preparing a one line quip to go with the final act of rescuing the lady, Hugo paused as the weight quadrupled, quickly followed by a scream that can only be produced with intense training and digital quality recording equipment. Hugo peered down to see Straven hanging from the maiden’s leg.

Chieftains Desire slipped through the smoke and skidded to a halt, dropping a rope ladder and appearing to wink smugly. Hugo calmly reached out his barrel sized arms and took a firm hold of a rung. The maiden announced her grip was loosening, but Hugo had already noticed Straven’s miscalculation when leaping on to the lady's ankle: the tyrant was battling with his own grip. Straven could barely complete the various witty, threatening sentences he’d prepared.

The beast slipped further down the perfectly sculpted calf of the damsel, quickly finding himself at the shoe: an easily removable item that should never be used to support your weight when dangling a mile above burning rubble. Hugo swung casually away from the building, transferring the unlikely trio's weight to the rope ladder at the exact moment the tower collapsed. Hugo looked down and locked eyes with his opponent; Straven knew he was beaten, although his rage was far from quelled. As the shoe came loose the evil-doer let out one final Hugo based curse, taking the high heel as his only reward. The two sides of good and evil maintained eye contact until Straven's soul became enveloped by flames. 'Straven Blade, you're fired'. Hugo smiled to himself, mainly at his wit. Straven had no such employment based retort as the remainder of the tower followed his path to the floor. Inevitability suggested its impact would finish the fatal job the fall had begun.

With unerring timing Hugo grabbed the maiden's wrist just as her grip gave way. He pulled her towards his ample chest as the ladder retracted into the ship. Love poured from her eyes, only a sigh could escape her mouth.

Are you okay Madam? With the final rungs of the ladder safely inside, the door closed without effort. The sound of carnage disappeared, replaced by cream carpeting and walls, and sleek, black furniture.

I am now. As Hugo placed the girl on her feet she swooned back in to his arms. He scooped her up and lay her down on a particularly comfy looking sofa in the living area of his craft. Hugo strode defiantly to the front of the ship, entering the control room.

Take us somewhere safe from the evil that plagues our universe Chieftain. I’ve smelt enough harm for one day.

Already plotted and on our way sir. The ship spoke back with a level of honour reserved for war heroes being played by noble actors.

Hugo picked up an all purpose cloth and began wiping away the ash of his latest adventure. His blonde locks remained buoyant yet singed at the ends. His red, skin-tight, lycra suit had charred in a pattern suggesting honour above pride. His ten foot frame of bulging defiance would show the bruises in a day or two’s time, but for now he had admin to sort.

Chieftain; call HQ. Hugo sat down and looked thoughtfully out of the window. It was a good pose. He made a mental note to try and recreate the emotion at his next photo shoot.

Pleasant sequin. This is the Hero's Guild of all Things Heroic Splendid. My name is Tortilla and I will be dealing with your call today. If I could take your name and hero number I’d love to get started helping you in any way I can.

"Hero