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    Zombiez!
    Zombiez!
    Zombiez!
    Ebook54 pages44 minutes

    Zombiez!

    By OJ Wolfsmasher

    ()

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    About this ebook

    During a zombie apocalypse, eight seemingly random people take shelter in a spooky chapel in the middle of the woods. In this bleak black comedy, OJ Wolfsmasher mines the depths of the human condition and finds lawsuits, bribery, shotguns, performance-enhancing drugs, Death Panels, killer wedgies, pick-up artists, marital affairs, hallucinations, bad accents, forced massages, contracts to beat up Priests, deviled ham, money-filled briefcases, Apple stores, Elder-like Gods, fish-monsters, and lots of zombies. There's more, too, but how many more cool keywords do you need before you'll read this?

    Seriously, it's like Lovecraft meets the TV show LOST with a backdrop of zombie hordes. If you're not interested in that, then there's something wrong with you.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBard and Book
    Release dateSep 27, 2012
    ISBN9781301877065
    Zombiez!

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      Book preview

      Zombiez! - OJ Wolfsmasher

      Zombiez!

      By OJ Wolfsmasher

      Smashwords Edition

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Read more from OJ Wolfsmasher at www.bardandbook.com

      Copyright OJ Wolfsmasher 2012. All Rights Reserved

      Published by Bard and Book Publishing

      Website: www.bardandbook.com

      Cover by Julius Broqueza.

      Contents

      PROLOGUE: THE IDIOT

      I

      THE CRAZY LADY

      THE SCIENTIST

      THE CONGRESSMAN

      II

      IRISH MAN

      MR. SUNGLASSES

      CRAZY LADY II

      THE CONGRESSMAN II

      III

      EPILOGUE: THE IDIOT II

      PROLOGUE: THE IDIOT

      The Unaired Incident was infamous now; it was a cloud that hovered in the air around Bro Gator at all times, obscuring everything else about him. There were runs and reruns of the original TV show, and even more reruns in syndication on various low-rent cable channels, but every time Gator was on the screen, no matter what he was doing, the Unaired Incident is all people thought about.

      Even before said Incident, Gator had achieved a tiny fraction of what could be called fame, mostly among those aged 12-20. With that slight notoriety came the requisite misplaced confidence that was the hallmark of the self-proclaimed leaders of his silly generation.

      And it wasn't like he needed anything to increase his self-esteem. He was born with the disease of Ubermenschian Cockiness, a debilitating condition that had only gotten worse since he convinced the producers of Frat Blast Season 3 to let him on the show. Gator killed that audition with something he called Keg Stand Canyon Belching, an act that pretty much summed up his man-child charm in four simple words. The producers couldn't get enough of his steroid-fueled immaturity after that, and neither could the TV audience -- the ratings for Frat Blast Season 3 exceeded those of Frat Blast Season 2 by 15-20 percent. The producers would call him into their office and give him instructions like Pick a fight with Barry or Run naked though the house screaming random numbers like you're a giant angry telephone book and he would obey them without hesitation. He really was a dream come true for Frat Blast, a concept that was already exhausting itself after just two six-episode seasons.

      The Unaired Incident and the subsequent civil trial made him a household name among the tabloids and the internet gossip douchelords. For at least a month he was Bad Boy Number One, the heartthrob who had recklessly and remorselessly torn another man's scrotum in half by trying too hard in a wedgie contest on a Reality TV show. America hadn't really seen anything like this (which is saying something), and it became mildly fascinated by this dangerous roided-up boy-man with a faux-hawk. And then, out of nowhere, the trial was settled out-of-court – thus picking up America's attention and placing it somewhere else.

      It didn't help that his low IQ and lack of wit was obvious from the moment he opened his mouth. He literally could not end a sentence in any word other than dude, bro, brah, or some combination of the three. This tended to not play well in any situation where skilled editors weren't sifting through hours of footage to get the best five minutes of his day. Ironically, this verbal ineptitude and lack of depth made him successful with many of the

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