Journeys of Shattered Souls: Out of the Darkness

Journeys of Shattered Souls

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Book I

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Out of the Darkness

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Mandy Steinfeldt Crane

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William Steinfeldt

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Out of the Darkness

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Mandy Steinfeldt Crane

William Steinfeldt

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Published by MSC Published at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 Mandy Steinfeldt Crane

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of these authors.

Acknowledgments

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I would like to take this time to acknowledge all those people out there that have some form of anxiety and panic. I suffered from them for most of my teenage years and I learned how to control them to the point that they no longer control my life. With help from the proper medication, therapy, and breathing techniques, I learned how to regain my control. I can say that I no longer need medication and have not had the feeling of needing to escape because of being anxious in more than 10 years.

My mother also has a panic and anxiety disorder that still comes on occasionally and she is learning little by little how to regain her control. This disorder takes time and patience to get over, sometimes you will win and stop the attack before it spirals you out of control and sometimes the disorder wins. The attacks that are portrayed in this book were taken from my own and my mother’s own personal experience of what we both went through when a panic and anxiety episode would come on and what we did to come out of it and also to keep it from going any further when they would come on again. Once we learned that this technique worked.

To all those that have these or know someone who does, I hope you will realize you are not alone and with the proper treatments can break free from them. I also hope that reading this book will give those that don’t know what these attacks feel like a little insight.

Mandy Steinfeldt Crane

Dedication

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I dedicate this book to my parents without their continued loving support I would not have achieved my dreams.

To my Wonderful Husband John: Thank you for always being by my side, I love you more than you will ever know.

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This dedication page is special to me. Our family has dealt with these problems; my wife has suffered from OCD and Depression. Our daughter suffered as well. What you read about in this book and the solutions we used are real. I stopped a Panic Attack in an Emergency Room one night using the technique in this book. We have used this numerous times with the same results. My wife has gained great control over her panic attacks and only rarely has them today. Our daughter is very strong today and suffers no longer, from what she went through.

It is with great Love and Pride that I dedicate this book and hope this helps.

William Steinfeldt

Prologue

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Today is the big day I am thirteen today, officially a teenager. I awoke to my sister jumping on my bed shaking me to get up. She put a party hat that matched hers on my head and blew a party horn. My cheeks are already sore from grinning so much and it seems I have no control because my smile just went even wider from thinking about how wonderful today is going to be. I get to go and see Simba my best friend. Happy birthday Catie girl, welcome to the teenager’s club, said my sister with a kiss on my cheek.

Thank you Amy. Maybe thirteen will be lucky for us. She just rolled her eyes annoyed and jumped off the bed shaking her head not wanting to get into that discussion again. She knew what I meant.

Just then, grandpa walked in with his usual fun-loving tone, How is my birthday girl this fine morning. Are you ready to spend some time with your elephant? I could not help but laugh he always knows just how to bring an even bigger smile to my face. He tossed confetti in the air the glittered cut up paper showered me on its way down to the ground.

I am great Granddad; I am ready to go I have not visited her in a while. I know she will be happy to see me. I could hear Gran singing happy birthday carrying a tray with my favorite breakfast. She placed it on my lap, took the lid off. I lowered my head and took in a big whiff that made my stomach growl. My eyes shined brightly as I stared at my family as my heart filled with love. Gran did you get my dress fixed?

Yes honey, I told you I would have it patched back up so you could wear your favorite dress. Now what do you say after you finish your breakfast we get it on so we can get you to the zoo.

I say Simba’s waiting so we better hurry.

She laughed and gave me a quick kiss, Happy birthday sweetheart. We all pile in the van and head towards the zoo about to burst. I get to spend my birthday with my sister and at my favorite place in the world. On the way, Amy is filling me on what life is like as a teenager. Now that you are the big one three your curfew gets extended a half an hour and you get a raise in your allowance. I start to see the bright red flags and the billboard signs so I know we are getting close. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach. It feels as though they are having a party of their own.

We drive to our usual lot to park in our parking space but as we drive in, we see car after car. Not one space left for us. I begin to feel anxious. What are we going to do now Gran?

Don’t worry sweetheart, we will just have to go into one of the other lots and park.

Relax Catie; you will still get to see Simba. I feel a tap on my shoulder and my sister’s voice next to my ear, ‘C’mon lets sing that song we made up for grandma." I see her smile and know she would keep nagging me until I give in.

Gran you want to hear the song that Amy and I made up? After hearing, her say she would we begin the first verse and are just about to go into the chorus when I notice that Grandpa drove into the parking space. I open the car door and jump out We are here… I excitedly take off for the entrance leaving my grandparents and sister to catch up to me. Once inside I turn right and move through the crowd I come up on an open space and stop. Something about this place… I cannot put my finger on it. I look around at all the people, little kids holding the hands of their parents. Balloons are flying in the air, Men and women standing by the railing, or in small groups eating, drinking sharing laughs and some are having pictures taken. The smell of burgers on a grill wafers out through the hot air. The distinct smell of cotton candy enters my nose and I can almost taste the fluffy sweet candy on my tongue. My eyes come across a bench and instantaneously I am spiraling, to a vision from the past.

I easily recognize my seven-year-old self-hiding behind that very bench. I feel my pulse race, heart thumping harder, louder. I cannot quite catch my breath as I now remember that day so vividly as if I were watching a video. My mind begins to spin as images become blurry I feel myself losing control and next thing I’m running back out the entrance, past my family. I do not have any idea where I am going just getting away. I faintly can hear them yelling after me to stop. I am trying to stop but my mind is not responding and my feet keep taking me away from the events of that horrible day.

Look, mommy, a white tiger is lying by an orange one, they sure are big cats. I bet they are soft too. Do you think we could pet one mommy, I asked her excitedly.

No Catie, I don’t think the zoo keeper will let you pet them because they are wild animals after all.

They are so cute. I like the tigers. Can we take one home with us, Amy asked cheerfully. I remember watching my mommy smile and answer my sister.

No honey, we don’t have any room at our house and we don’t have the right kind of food that the tigers need. It would be better for the tiger if it stayed here.

Amy wipes the sweat from my forehead, C’mon Katydid, try to keep up, she said tugging on my arm.

I’m coming Amy, I replied getting mad at her. She should know my little legs cannot walk that fast. I can remember my mother’s exact words.

Okay girls now where do you want to go?

I want to go see the monkeys, shouts Amy excitedly

Is that okay Catie, can Amy go and see the monkeys? My mom kneels down to ask me.

I suppose.

I watch as my sister starts to jump up and down. I just smile happy that I am finally here at the zoo. She then starts to sing song chant, Yeah I am going to see the monkeys! I am going to see the monkeys! I remember that vividly my sister jumping up and down.

After that I want to see the elephants okay Mommy okay?

We will see Catie alright, she says to me. I see her look at my father to see if he wants to go.

Okay Mommy, I simply answer back, Amy and I are familiar with disappointment.

Amy and I walk to the monkey habitat, we run over to the glass and place out hands on the cool but dirty surface to watch one of the babies swing from a rope, and then we move to another group as one of the other monkey’s sticks out his tongue. Giggling I say, Look Amy isn’t that monkey being silly.

Yeah Amy begins to giggle as we stare at another group beginning to make funny noises. We try to imitate the monkey’s noises as we continue staring at them. When unexpectedly I hear my dad’s voice yelling at us.

Okay girls, time to let some of the other people see, we turn around because it sounds like he is getting angry.

Oh daddy do we have to go, can’t we stay for a few minutes longer please daddy please? My sister pleads, but our father is relentless.

No… let’s go. I look to my mom for some support.

Oh Henry let them stay for a few more minutes. They are not hurting anyone.

No, I said we have to leave now! She looks down at us with sad eyes. Come on girls, your father said now.

We drudgingly walked back to our parents but, Amy turns back and sadly waves, Bye monkey’s bye.

They walk us out through the other side. Can we go see the elephants now Mommy? I ask looking up at my mother for confirmation.

I make it to the parking lot where I know the car was my eyes still watching like a movie playing out in my mind. Their overpowering sounds of arguing voices break through all the noise from the zoo animals. As the argument is gaining momentum, my parents who are fighting seem to be oblivious to their surroundings it is as if they are at home. Their argument becomes more animated as it goes back and forth between them. Tensions rise as their voices rise, this argument is quickly spiraling out of control. This could possibly be the worst fight my parents have ever had. I watch my younger self as if I were watching a movie

I see that I have had my attention on the elephants, suddenly turned back to see my parents screaming at the top of their lungs. I see that fright on my innocent childlike face, scared this fight could turn violent like it has in the past. I look to my sister Amy, she is watching our parents, and I remember what was in my mind. I needed to find a place to hide. I see a spot and the movie plays on to show what I did next. I left the safety of the bench and headed for the elephants. I turned back to see if anyone notices, but everyone around me has stopped to witness the animated and very loud argument even the animal keepers have stopped what they were doing to watch the argument.

Just as I get close enough I suddenly see a baby elephant and I make a beeline to get to it. I quickly duck under the barricade not thinking of my own safety. I quickly looked back again to see if anyone followed me and I smack right into the side of the baby elephant, knocking me off my feet, the baby elephant swings its trunk around my wrist trying to help pick me up off the ground. Her trunk is scratchy and soft, but very strong.

Just then, my father walks up and I heard him say, There you are, just like you to run away again, it is just like you to not do what you are told. I heard him tell the nice woman, Thank you for watching my daughter. Now, Catie time to go. I was so happy that I wanted to share it with him.

Daddy I got to feed the elephant an Apple. He did not seem to care as he answered back to me.

Okay, but now it's time to go. He seemed more like he was in an even bigger rush to leave.

But I don’t want to go! Rosie said I could feed Simba another apple, I screamed at him. Without any patience, he just picked me up and carried me off kicking and screaming the whole way back.

We returned to where my mom and sister Amy are waiting for us. At that time, my sister Amy knew that something was very wrong. The mood in the car was as dark as a moonless night.

Amy noticed that we were not going in the direction of our home, but figured it out when we pulled up to our grandparent’s home. My mother opened the car door and walked up to the front door on the house. I watched as my Grandparents left the porch and walked towards the car. Then we heard them say, Come on girls you're going to be staying with us for a while. I remember glancing up ay my mother’s face and asking her, Mommy, are we going to stay with Granny and Grandpa?

I remember her words to me as plain as day, Yes, your Daddy, and I have some things to work out. You and Amy are going to stay here, while your father and I work out our differences. It will not be long and you will be home with us. We were so happy that we quickly jumped out of the car and run to the house delighted to be staying with our grandparents.

Amy was the first one back, where she found me screaming, crying and shaking uncontrollably. She grabbed and held my hands from going for my hair again picking out some of the strands that were in between my clinched fingers. She is over here. Caitlin what happened. You are all right. Shush Katydid; it’s going to be okay. She called out and my grandparents came to my side doing their best to console me. I am still trying to break free from Amy’s grip but it tightens keeping me from running away again.

No it’s not Amy. They’re gone… I get one hand loose and it clinches in to a fist. They’re gone....

I can hear my grans worried voice, Who is gone sweetheart...? Her eyes filled with worry when she glanced at Clayton.

I can feel my grandfather’s hand on my shoulders hoping to help stop my shaking. Amy’s words finally register in my mind shredding my heart at the same time I yell out, Mom and Dad are gone and your right Amy they are never coming back for us. They have abandoned us, and in that the realization I completely crumble in my grandfather’s arms.

Chapter 1

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Clank... Clank… Clank... Clank, Caitlin Roberts was busy packing for her summer vacation where she would be staying with her Grandparents in Bridgeport, Illinois. She will be working at The Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago as an Art Restoration Intern to make extra money, before classes resumed in the fall. She just finished her first year at UCLA, where she was majoring in Art History having completed her Bachelor's Degree in Chemistry. She threw another empty hanger on top of the growing pile, clank, and as she pulled another blouse out of the closet her eyes found the clock, Shoot I’m late; I hope Jessica and Sarah aren’t too mad. She grabbed her purse and headed to meet them.

♥

Jessica sat agitated squirming around in her chair, looking past the tables at the entry doors then glancing down at her watch every few seconds. I’m sure she is on her way Jess, relax. Sara said getting annoyed at her friend’s impatient behavior.

I hope so Sara, I hope she didn’t forget we were having our weekly get-together, but you know how Cate is.

Sara just laughed, Yes, I do, she is a scatter brain sometimes, but she always comes through, she said taking a sip of lemonade and hoping she was not wrong this time.

I hope your right, Sara...I hope she isn’t surfing the web, or reading the newest magazine article about Logan again, Jessica said sarcastically as if she was bothered.

You know Jess; I just can’t understand that about Cate!

Understand what?

Well...It’s just she goes practically mental whenever she sees him whether it’s in one of his movies, the web, her posters or on TV. But, if you were to put her in a face to face meeting with him; she goes completely mute.

I know Sara, I don’t understand her myself sometimes...I saw her go from talking and laughing one minute to stone cold scared the next...when she thought she saw Logan getting out of a car. Caitlin is so head over heels infatuated with this guy it seems she forgets about everything else and all she can see is Logan. Jessica said.

Your right Jess...But what can we do – until she stops being petrified ...I’m afraid Cate will always be standing on the sidelines. I just wish she would...well ...well at least try to meet him if nothing else, Sara said softly.

That is a tall order, especially for Catie.

As Sara and Jessica waited for their friend to show up, they were remembering when they all met. Jessica was in her second year studying law at UCLA and met Caitlin on the day she moved into the dorms. Jessica found her roaming the halls trying to find her room number. Jessica found it odd that she did not just ask someone for some help and it took some prying to get her to talk, once Jessica showed Caitlin that she was indeed a friend Caitlin let her guard down.

♥

A short time later, they met Sara, who like Cate was in her first year and was studying to be a teacher. Jessica and Caitlin both thought right away what a genius Sara must be as a freshman at UCLA and just only turned seventeen. When they remarked about how young she seemed as they helped move her things into Jessica’s room that day. She could not forget their reactions after she revealed her age to them. Jessica in such shock to find out how young Sara was she accidently let go of the computer table dropping it on her foot causing Caitlin’s side to get heavier triggering it to release from her fingers. Jess let out a yelp as all three girls began to chuckle with her two new roommates.

Even with very different personalities, they became the best of friends. Sara was the funniest and most relaxed of the three. Jessica was a realist and at times could be very critical, outspoken, and even blunt but will tell it like it is and loved to be the center of attention. Caitlin was the most self-conscious and suffered from low self-esteem, sometimes she would disappear for no reason, and she would allow others to take advantage, which drove her to friends crazy.

Sara and Jessica could not figure out how someone as beautiful as Caitlin could feel like that. They have been trying all year to crack their friend out of her introverted shell, but have not had much luck.

Caitlin was almost six feet tall with long chestnut brown hair with Carmel highlights. Bright blue-green transparent eyes, a smile that lit up the room, and a figure that any girl would love to have. Jessica and Sara secretly thought that they were just average looking, when they stood next to her. Jessica was not as tall as her friend was, but at five-nine, she was not short. She usually wore her platinum blonde hair in a ponytail and had the most beautiful electric blue eyes.

Sara had eyes of hazel gold and was the shortest of the three, standing at only five-six but, with her long reddish-brown spiraling curly hair, she looked almost as tall as Jessica did, but whenever they were together and walked into a room, all eyes would be on them.

I’m so sorry you guys, I was packing and lost track of time, but I hurried when I noticed the time! Caitlin said pulling out the chair.

It’s ok Cate, you’re here now, and you are not that late. Sara said smiling warmly.

We know how busy you are with everything, just glad you made it, Jessica said singling the waiter.

Every Saturday afternoon the girls would meet at their favorite restaurant in downtown LA to catch up on each other lives, since Caitlin was leaving on Saturday and Sara was leaving Friday. The only day left was Thursday. Actually we thought maybe you were staring at your posters again. Jess said laughing and knowing how much her friend hated being picked on.

Sara started laughing and Caitlin just shook her head.

Hey, that only happened once, she said smiling.

Uh...huh sure it did.

"Oh Logan" Sara said giggling.

We know differently don’t we Jess!

Yep, we know the truth, we know you sit there and day dream about Logan, Jess said through giggles.

Yeah, remember when we all went to the premiere of Badge of Honor, I have never seen Cate act as hysterical as she did...and just from what...a very quick glimpse as he walked by the theater, Jessica said matter of factly.

I know... it was like something possessed her and took over her entire body, Sara said smirking, "For a minute, I thought your problem of being shy was fixed."

Yeah until he was close enough then she froze like an ice berg, Jessica added.

Whatever, you know I could never date him. Cate said blushing.

And why not, He’s super good-looking, both friends remarked simultaneously.

Because he’s a very famous movie star for starters and you know I don’t like being in the spotlight for another, she said taking a bite of her hamburger. Sara and Jess just rolled their eyes at their crazy friend, not understanding her thought process at all. They both think that Logan would be the lucky one to know Caitlin. Jessica excused herself to use the powder room.

Suddenly a massive group of photographers and magazine reporters appeared like a swarm of bees at the restaurant across the street causing everyone to wonder about the sudden disturbance.

Sara raised her arm to flag down a waitress to find out what all the commotion was about at the same time Jessica arrived back, her mouth running nonstop, before the waitress could say anything." Who is over there?" Caitlin asked trying to make sense of her friend’s sudden crazy behavior.

You are not going to believe it, but someone said that Logan Chase is over there!

Logan Chase...the fabulous...the movie star... Logan Cha... Sara stopped short while Jess made crowd sounds as they both looked at Caitlin.

Do you know another one? Jessica said sarcastically.

Caitlin’s heart began to pound faster, faster, and hard enough that she could hear it in her ears, her breathing quickened, and her stomach became queasy. Panic shot through her entire body like a lightning bolt at the very sound of his name. Her senses were supercharged trying to take in all that is around her.

"I think we should go over there, don’t you huh...huh... huh? I mean here’s your big chance Cate." Jessica said with a look of gleeful excitement.

You said you have always wanted to meet him. Sara said practically jumping up and down.

You both are crazy, I can’t go over there! Caitlin said as she started trembling from fear. There are way too many people and I wouldn’t be able breathe, let alone see him anyway, She said trying to make a good excuse. She knew that Jessica and Sara would do everything they could to get her to go. They were always finding new ways to get her to be more outgoing and less inhibited. Besides I came here to spend some time with my friends before I leave for the summer. Cate said knowing that would stop her friend’s campaign and give her an out.

Well, since you are leaving in a couple days, you do have a point and we do need to do some catching up. Jess and Sara replied a little disappointed. Caitlin felt a wave of relief wash over her since, her friends did not force her into going over there and they began their usual routine of girl talk. So how did you like your birthday present Catie?

I liked it a lot in fact I packed it so I can show Gran, Cate replied taking a sip to cool off from the heat of the day.

I cannot believe your twenty-fourth birthday was just a couple days ago.

Time flies Jess.

It sure does and way too fast.

♥

It had been about ten minutes since Jessica and Sara left, leaving Cate alone. Still sitting at the restaurant taking pleasure in a second glass of lemonade and enjoying the eighty-degree sunshine, Caitlin was lost in her thoughts and doesn’t notice that a very tall, dark-haired very gorgeous guy wearing sunglasses sat down next to her and was casually watching her.

Don’t you wish every day could be this beautiful? he said bringing Caitlin back to reality. Shock, confusion, and desperation appeared on her face when she looked into the face of none other than Logan Chase, who was smiling at her.

Yes, I...Ah...I love...um days like...um...a...this, Cate finally said still dazed that her dream crush was sitting there five feet away and talking to her. He was even better looking in person that he stole Caitlin’s thoughts right out of her head and took away her ability to speak.

Umm a...how...how did you get...get away from...all the...crazy photographers, she finally managed to ask after attempting to regain her composure. Pointing