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    Plain Funny
    Plain Funny
    Plain Funny
    Ebook157 pages2 hours

    Plain Funny

    By Christopher Bruce

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    About this ebook

    Plain Funny, is a collection of jokes, tales and anecdotes matched to illustrations. The humour found in Plain Funny is suitable for all ages and ranges from pure fiction to borderline fact. No group is excluded when an opportunity to poke fun at its members is presented. If you don't have a sense of humour you should not read this book. The jokes, etc., are gathered loosely under subject headings so that it is easy to select a joke for a particular occasion. All the books in the series are designed for easy reading in cramped spaces on trains, planes and buses not to mention that most private of places where you may find the time to enjoy a good joke! All the jokes, tales and anecdotes found in the Plain Funny have been carefully selected for their funniness and are devoid of material of a salacious or gratuitous nature. I hope you have as much fun reading this book as I have had compiling it. When you have finished it pass it on to someone who may need cheering up or keep it and add other books to form a unique collection.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherChristopher Bruce
    Release dateNov 27, 2012
    ISBN9781301282968
    Plain Funny
    Author

    Christopher Bruce

    Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.

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      Book preview

      Plain Funny - Christopher Bruce

      PLAIN FUNNY

      By

      Christopher James Bruce

      SMASHWORDS EDITION

      *****

      PUBLISHED BY

      Christopher James Bruce on Smashwords

      Plain Funny Copyright © 2012 by Christopher James Bruce

      KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

      Author Unknown.

      So sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

      When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

      A forwarded cartoon or joke.

      So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoons or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

      Have a great day.

      FOREWORD

      This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing readers with a modicum of amusement during those sometimes not so quiet moments in the toilet, wc, loo, lav, lavatory, gents, ladies or Thunderbox as it was sometimes called in the good old days.

      The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many have been around for decades and tend to reappear on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time. Wherever a joke is known to have been told by a particular person the joke is attributed to that person but in most instances this is not the case.

      With few exceptions, the illustrations found in Plain Funny are by Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen. I have tried to contact the owners of any other images used to complement the jokes in this book and have in some, but not all, cases obtained permission of the person concerned to use them. If you are a person from whom permission to use one of your illustrations has not been obtained please contact me at chrisbruce41@gmail.com in order that the necessary permission may be formalized. See Copyright Issues on the last page.

      To those of you purchasing this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer (even if it is a laptop), and wish you many hours of amusement in that most private of places.

      Chris Bruce, Bangkok, 2004.

      CHAPTER 1

      CRAZY AND MAYBE TRUE!

      First Birth in 17 Years on Pitcairn Island.

      The remote Pitcairn Island in the Pacific Ocean, home of the descendants of the HMS Bounty mutineers, has recorded its first birth in 17 years. Emily Rose Christian was born just before midnight Sunday, September 14, 2003, in the Pitcairn Island Medical Clinic. Her arrival brings the island's population to nearly 50. The island, which is just one mile wide and two miles long, is administered by Britain from its diplomatic post in New Zealand, about 3,200 miles away. Baby and mother, Nadine Christian, are both reportedly doing well.

      Sheepllama.

      When Pennsylvania sheep farmer Guy McCardle was given a llama as payment for doing some work, he thought he might buy another one and breed them. But when he found out the animal had been gelded he was at a loss as to what to do with it. That was until the llama displayed its talent as a guard animal. It seems the llama had developed a unique affection for McCardle's sheep and would chase stray dogs and coyotes away from the flock. While McCardle discovered his llama's proficiency by accident, thousands of sheep producers around the country are now buying llamas with the goal of using them to guard their flocks.

      Man Ships Himself Home to Parents in Crate.

      Criminal charges were filed by Federal Prosecutors against a man who climbed into a crate and had himself shipped by air from New York to Dallas to visit his parents. Charles D. McKinley was charged with stowing away on a cargo jet, McKinley, a 25-year-old shipping clerk at a New York warehouse, journeyed overnight about 1,500 miles by truck, plane and delivery van before startling his parents by popping out of the box at their home. A driver for Pilot Air Freight, picked up the crate at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport and delivered it to McKinley's parents' home in suburban DeSoto. When the driver went to unload the 350-pound crate from his truck, he saw a pair of eyes and thought there was a body inside. Then McKinley broke the box open and crawled out, said police Lt. Brian Windham. McKinley's mother was stunned. The delivery driver called police. McKinley's escapade occurred as Americans prepared to mark the second anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks, and it renewed debate over the air cargo system's vulnerability to terrorists. It certainly shows that we have more work to do on cargo security, Asa Hutchinson, the Homeland Security Department's undersecretary for transportation security, told ABC. Federal officials were puzzled how McKinley got past airport security at several points and investigators with the Transportation Security Administration interviewed him in jail. McKinley said he was homesick and looking for a cheap way to visit his parents when he squeezed himself into the crate. It measured 42 by 36 by 15 inches. He is 5-foot-8 and weighs 170 pounds. He told the NBS Today show that he was scared and nervous when he was nailed into the crate. This is the dumbest thing and the craziest thing I could ever do within my life, he added. I was short of cash and truthfully I really should've waited. McKinley was arrested and jailed on unrelated traffic and bad-check charges after the surprised deliveryman notified police in the Dallas suburb of DeSoto. A number of companies were involved in handling McKinley's rate. All of them explained they followed security procedures. UPS picked up the crate at the warehouse where McKinley worked. Pilot Air Freight took the box to Kennedy Airport, then it was trucked to Newark, N.J., and loaded on a Kitty Hawk Cargo plane. After stops in Niagara Falls, N.Y., and Fort Wayne, Ind., it landed in Dallas, where a deliveryman for Pilot Air Freight took it to the home of McKinley's parents. The box was carried in pressurized, heated cabins, but could just as easily have been placed in the lower, unpressurized holds, according to Richard G. Phillips, chief executive of Pilot Air Freight. He could easily have died,

      Phillips said.

      Raw Egg Catching.

      Another bizarre pastime that those crazy Germans have invented is raw egg catching. Heinrich Sturn broke the record, but not the egg, when he managed to catch a raw egg thrown from a 9 story building. He reportedly tried unsuccessfully to break this German record more than 10,000 times before succeeding.

      Mentally Disturbed

      After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a bus driver in Zimbabwe found that the 20 mental patients he was to have transported from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

      IgNobel Awards Honor 'Dead' Man, Murphy's Law.

      An Indian officially dead for 18 years and the scientists who invented Murphy¹s law were among the winners of this year's IgNobel Prizes. The awards, a spoof on the Nobel Prizes, are celebrated annually in Boston to honor achievements that cannot or should not be reproduced. They are presented by science humor magazine 'Annals of Improbable Research' and several groups at Harvard and Radcliffe universities. This year¹s peace laureate is Lal Bihari, a shop keeper from Uttar Pradesh in India. Government documents list Bihari, who lives in Azamgarh, 130 miles southeast of Lucknow, as being dead since 1976.

      The IgNobel committee awarded him the prize "for a triple

      accomplishment First, for leading an active life even though he has for creating the Association of Dead People." He discovered that been declared legally dead; second, for waging a lively posthumous campaign against bureaucratic inertia and greedy relatives; and third,

      thousands of other Indians had suffered the same fate. But it was apparently a scam in which officials are bribed to declare landowners dead so their property can be inherited. The engineering prize went to three scientists; the late Edward A Murphy Jr., the late John Paul went to the people of Liechtenstein. This tiny European nation was cited for making it possible to rent the entire country for corporate Staff and George Nichols for formulating Murphy¹s Law in 1949. This law states: If anything can go wrong, it will. The economics award conventions, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and other gatherings. A team from University College London won the medicine prize. They discovered that the brains of London cabbies are bigger than those of ordinary mortals. Brain scans revealed the cab drivers have more gray matter than usual in the hippocampus -

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