Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    Plain Funny Too
    Plain Funny Too
    Plain Funny Too
    Ebook151 pages1 hour

    Plain Funny Too

    By Christopher Bruce

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    Plain Funny Too, is a collection of jokes, tales and anecdotes matched to illustrations. The humour found in Plain Funny is suitable for all ages and ranges from pure fiction to borderline fact. No group is excluded when an opportunity to poke fun at its members is presented. If you don't have a sense of humour you should not read this book. The jokes, etc., are gathered loosely under subject headings so that it is easy to select a joke for a particular occasion. All the books in the series are designed for easy reading in cramped spaces on trains, planes and buses not to mention that most private of places where you may find the time to enjoy a good joke! All the jokes, tales and anecdotes found in the Plain Funny have been carefully selected for their funniness and are devoid of material of a salacious or gratuitous nature. I hope you have as much fun reading this book as I have had compiling it. When you have finished it pass it on to someone who may need cheering up or keep it and add other books to form a unique collection.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherChristopher Bruce
    Release dateDec 4, 2012
    ISBN9781301859108
    Plain Funny Too
    Author

    Christopher Bruce

    Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.

    Read more from Christopher Bruce

    Related to Plain Funny Too

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      LeTteR BocKS

      Jun 24, 2021

      SCIENTISTS say that in the future, all meals will be in the form of a pill. Let’s hope they are right, and they don’t develop them in the form of a suppository. I think that would make dining out a most unpleasant experience. Umberto Coaltit, Hull YO

      13 min read

    • Article

      The Talking Dread

      Dec 1, 2018

      The Talking Dread
      3 min read

    • Article

      A Truthteller’s Toolkit

      Apr 25, 2020

      Once upon a time, a writer might contact an agent and confess their desire to publish an essay collection. And once upon a time, an agent might have resisted an urge to laugh in the writer’s face. As a form, essays had fallen out of favor, hard, and

      8 min read

    • Article

      Kathy Lette

      Sep 29, 2022

      Kathy Lette
      2 min read

    • Article

      A Change Of Scene

      Apr 3, 2022

      A Change Of Scene
      9 min read

    • Article

      Letters

      Jan 20, 2023

      Since my first visit to Namibia in 1993, from time to time a friend has sent me an issue of your fabulous magazine. I live in Germany, and I am a hunter, target shooter and collector of vintage sporting guns and rifles. The articles about vintage gun

      4 min read

    • Article

      The Letterbox

      Feb 1, 2019

      Dear Cricket, I ask for Cricket magazine every year for one of my birthday presents. I have been getting them for two years and I think they are awesome. Cricket has all sorts of stories I like! Thank you! It’s way better than the little stories I ha

      7 min read

    • Article

      The Word That Dare Not Speak Its Name

      Jun 30, 2021

      Is it possible to kill a word? Many words certainly go unuttered. If you’re a typical English-speaker, you have a vocabulary of roughly 20,000 words, or perhaps 40,000 if you’ve been to university. Yet the OED puts the number of words at over 500,000

      3 min read

    • Article

      Live For The Moment

      Mar 16, 2023

      I’M HALF A YEAR IN TO WRITING THESE COLUMNS NOW. Hardly seems like five minutes, but there you are. Something I’ve really noticed is that more or less every month, our news pages have included at least one obituary. Pat Ganahl, John Baldoccino, Jon M

      2 min read

    • Article

      Al Murray

      Oct 23, 2023

      Al Murray
      5 min read

    • Article

      Gigi Will Know

      Oct 17, 2020

      Dear Petrified, Heck, you didn’t think you were all alone in this, did you? Because there are a whole bunch of people who stay away from things we don’t understand. (One could say this a key reason people are afraid of diversity, but that’s for anoth

      2 min read

    • Article

      Letter Bocks

      Feb 3, 2022

      Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk ⁕ PAGE 3 girl Samantha Fox’s song Touch Me (I Want Your Body) is nonsense. “Touch me, touch me. I wanna feel your body” she sings. Well, if she wants to feel a body, she should be the to

      13 min read

    • Article

      21 Things To Look Forward To In 2021 – From Meteor Showers To The Olympics

      Jan 5, 2021

      You probably found a few things to enjoy about last year: you rediscovered your bicycle, perhaps, or your family, or even both, and learned to love trees. And don’t forget the clapping. Plus some brilliant scientists figured out how to make a safe an

      7 min read

    • Article

      Revealed…

      Mar 10, 2020

      Revealed…
      7 min read

    • Article

      LeTtERbOCKs

      Mar 7, 2024

      letters@viz.co.uk | toptips@viz.co.uk Your correspondence to VIZ editor HAMPTON DOUBLEDAY I HAVE never once seen an advertising campaign encouraging people to eat radishes, and yet there they are on every supermarket shelf in the country, just quietl

      10 min read

    • Article

      Phrases Of Old

      Feb 5, 2024

      Phrases Of Old
      3 min read

    • Article

      The Next chapter

      Aug 11, 2022

      92% of Brits enjoy reading, but 6.4 million can’t remember the last time they did for fun There’s nothing more satisfying than putting your phone away, turning off the TV and snuggling up with a cuppa to settle into a story. When you’re engrossed in

      3 min read

    • Article

      Winning Letter

      Feb 23, 2024

      EACH week our team comes together to discuss and plan the magazine – from choosing which stories will go into the issue to sourcing images for each page and seeing everything through to the layout process. And week after week, story after story, the

      5 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for Plain Funny Too

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      Plain Funny Too - Christopher Bruce

      PLAIN FUNNY TOO

      By

      Christopher James Bruce

      SMASHWORDS EDITION

      *****

      PUBLISHED BY

      Christopher James Bruce on Smashwords

      Plain Funny Too Copyright © 2012 by Christopher James Bruce

      KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

      Author Unknown.

      So sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

      When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.

      You forward cartoons and jokes.

      And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

      A forwarded cartoon or joke.

      So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoons or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

      Have a great day.

      FOREWORD

      This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing readers with a modicum of amusement during those sometimes not so quiet moments in the toilet, wc, loo, lav, lavatory, gents, ladies or Thunderbox as it was sometimes called in the good old days.

      The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many have been around for decades and tend to reappear on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time. Wherever a joke is known to have been told by a particular person the joke is attributed to that person but in most instances this is not the case.

      With few exceptions, the illustrations found in Plain Funny Too are by Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen. I have tried to contact the owners of any other images used to complement the jokes in this book and have in some, but not all, cases obtained permission of the person concerned to use them. If you are a person from whom permission to use one of your illustrations has not been obtained please contact me at chrisbruce41@gmail.com in order that the necessary permission may be formalized. See Copyright Issues on last page.

      To those of you purchasing this collection I trust that you will take it with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop, and wish you many hours of amusement in that most private of places.

      Chris Bruce, Bangkok, 2004.

      CHAPTER 1

      ENGLISH LANGUAGE ODDITIES

      Today’s English.

      Brits: Invented it, pronounce their words in a dozen different ways, but still call it English.

      Americans: Spell words differently, pronounce words differently but still call it English.

      Canadians: Spell like the Brits but pronounce like Americans.

      Aussies: Add G'day, mate, and a heavy accent to everything they say.

      South Africans: Once used it but are now in the process of re-inventing

      both its pronunciation and spelling.

      Killer Language.

      The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills.

      The Origin of Sh.t.

      Ever wonder where the word SH..T comes from? Well, here it is: Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term S.H.I.T on them which meant to the sailors to Ship High in Transit. In other words, high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Bet you didn't know the history of that word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

      First Grade Proverbs.

      A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders; 6 year-olds:

      Better to be safe than; punch a 5th grader.

      Strike while the; bug is close.

      It's always darkest before; daylight saving time.

      Never underestimate the power of; termites.

      You can lead a horse to water but; how?

      Don't bite the hand that; looks dirty.

      No news is; impossible.

      A miss is as good as a; Mr.

      You can't teach an old dog new; math.

      If you lie down with dogs, you'll; stink in the morning.

      Love all, trust; me.

      The pen is mightier than the; pigs.

      An idle mind is; the best way to relax.

      Where there is smoke, there is; pollution.

      Happy the bride who; gets all the presents.

      A penny saved is; not much.

      Two are company three are; the Musketeers.

      Don't put off till tomorrow what; you put on to go to bed.

      Laugh and; the world laughs with you.

      Cry and; you blow your nose.

      There are none so blind as; Stevie Wonder.

      Children should be seen and not; be spanked.

      When the blind lead the blind; get out of the way.

      Better late than; pregnant.

      Press Release.

      The European Union Commissioners have announced that an agreement

      has been reached to adopt English, rather than German, as the preferred language for European communication. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling left some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Eulish for short). In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard c will be replaced by k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent es in the languag is disgrasful and they would go. By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w by v. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be droped from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters. After ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem vil finali kum tru. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!

      The Most Powerful Word In The English Language Is SH..T!

      Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language and the most versatile. It's a word that can mean anything you want it to be. You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1