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    Jokes From the Barfly's Archives
    Jokes From the Barfly's Archives
    Jokes From the Barfly's Archives
    Ebook103 pages51 minutes

    Jokes From the Barfly's Archives

    By Pat Medoodal

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    About this ebook

    Jokes From the Barfly’s Archives is a hilarious collection of jokes and yarns by author, and self-confessed social butterfly come barfly, Pat Medoodal. Pat takes on his doubters to publish his first book of side splittingly funny jokes collaborated over “years of beers and banter” at his preferred local bars and pubs. This is quite possibly the most laughter you will experience for such a small price.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherPat Medoodal
    Release dateDec 13, 2012
    ISBN9780987505903
    Jokes From the Barfly's Archives
    Author

    Pat Medoodal

    I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job. I'm your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and porno and books about war. I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor. My wife and my job, my kids and my car. My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar.

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      Book preview

      Jokes From the Barfly's Archives - Pat Medoodal

      Jokes

      From the

      Barfly’s

      Archives

      Published by Pat Medoodal

      at Smashwords

      Copyright 2012 Pat Medoodal

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Hi there, my name is Pat Medoodal. My friends think I’m crazy writing this book. When they ask me why, I just tell them, Because I can.

      Some say I’ve spent too much time in local pubs or bars. I say there’s no such thing. I prefer to be called a social butterfly rather than a barfly.

      I’ve met some characters over the years and never get tired of hearing a good joke or yarn. I’d like to share with you, some of the best jokes I’ve heard from my time behind bars.

      These jokes have been shared amongst friends over years of beer and banter. I have toned some of them down as to not offend. Feel free to spice them back up when you tell them to your mates.

      I truly believe that people take life too seriously. We are here for a good time, not a long time.

      If you get one good laugh out of this collection then I have done my job.

      I hope you enjoy the Jokes from the Barfly’s Archives.

      ****

      Bill has been employed at a local pickle factory for a number of years. One day he came home and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an ongoing urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

      Bill’s wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about these strange urges.

      Bill said he would be too embarrassed to discuss the issue with anyone. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

      One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

      What's wrong, Bill? she asked.

      Do you remember how I told you I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?

      Oh, Bill, you didn't! she exclaimed.

      Yes, I did. he replied.

      My God, Bill, what happened?

      I got fired.

      No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?

      Oh...she got fired too.

      ****

      A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.

      She approaches the man and seductively says Hi my name is Carmen.

      That's a beautiful name, he replied, Is it a family name?

      No, she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life, cars and men.

      What's your name? she asked.

      Bob Titsenbeer, he replied.

      ****

      The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

      Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

      Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

      The boss approached her and said: Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.

      Could you jack off? she says. I feel like shit.

      ****

      Paddy the Irishman died in a house fire and was burnt pretty badly. The authorities needed someone to identify the body so they called on his two best friends, fellow Irishmen, Liam and Seamus.

      Liam went into the morgue and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Half covering his eyes in distress, Liam gasped Geez, he's burnt pretty bad. It’s a bit hard to tell. Could you roll him over?

      Despite the strange request, the mortician rolled him over and Liam took another glance.

      Nope, that ain't Paddy, he responded.

      The mortician brought Seamus in shortly after, to see if he could help identify the body. Equally distressed, he reluctantly took a look at the remains.

      Yup, he's burnt real bad. It’s a bit hard to tell. Could you roll him over? Seamus requested.

      The mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked over the body again.

      No, it ain't Paddy, Seamus replied

      After the viewing, the mortician, somewhat bewildered, approached Liam and Seamus to debrief.

      Are you certain the body isn’t Patty’s? he asked. Both of you seemed unsure initially and after I rolled the body over you said it wasn’t him. How could you tell?

      Well, Paddy had two arseholes, Seamus replied.

      What? He had two arseholes? asked the mortician.

      Yup, everyone in town knew about it. Every time we went into town, you would here folks whispering, Oh look, here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

      ****

      A woman goes to an ice cream shop and asks for a waffle cone with a scoop of chocolate ice cream.

      The man serving says, I’m terribly sorry, but we are all out of chocolate. Would you like to choose another flavour?

      That’s ok, the woman says, I’ll just have a scoop of chocolate then please.

      The man apologizes again, thinking that the lady must have misheard him.I'm sorry we don't have any chocolate left. He says again. Would you like to choose another flavour?

      Well, I guess I'll have chocolate, the woman says.

      The man, completely frustrated by this stage, says to the woman, Can you spell VAN as in vanilla?

      V-A-N. the woman spells.

      Well done, says the man sarcastically. Now can you spell STRAW as in strawberry? He asks.

      The woman spells out, S-T-R-A-W.

      Well done says the man. Now can you spell FUCK as in chocolate? he asks.

      The woman stares blankly at the man for a moment and replies, Wait a minute, there's no 'FUCK' in chocolate!

      Exactly, says the man. That's what I've been trying to tell you for the last ten minutes!

      ****

      Doctor Dave was feeling terribly guilty after sleeping with one of his patients. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

      Every once in a while Doctor Dave would hear a reassuring internal voice that said, Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you probably won't be the last. You are single after all. Let it go…..

      This however was often overpowered by another voice. It would say, Dave, you're a vet.....

      ****

      A policeman was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

      Nice bike, the policeman said. Did Santa bring it to you?

      Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

      The policeman looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The policeman said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

      The young girl looked up

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