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    My Pen Is My Penis
    My Pen Is My Penis
    My Pen Is My Penis
    Ebook157 pages1 hour

    My Pen Is My Penis

    By Willoughby Plug

    ()

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    About this ebook

    We found the legendary Mr Plug festering in a dank corner. He has a lot to say about life, death, sex, murder, goats, love, mothers and angst. To our horror he also sings some very dubious songs. Internet access and courage required to click the links.
    "Funny, sophisticated, confusing, clever, unique....and that's only on one page."

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherColin Rock
    Release dateFeb 13, 2013
    ISBN9781301309764
    My Pen Is My Penis

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      Book preview

      My Pen Is My Penis - Willoughby Plug

      introduction

      When a boy, Plug was told that to appreciate life he must search for meaning and purpose. Unfortunately, he misheard. It took him many years to find a moaning porpoise, and in truth he was a little disappointed. However, he reproduces the sound of the beast (genus Phocaeno) with his unlovely songs, and the truly bold can click the appropriate link. Of course, things happened to him on the way.

      Plug and his only friend singing ‘Red Delicious: the paedophile song’. This feeble performance has not launched their career.

      A caution: these songs were written and recorded just the once. An abysmal effort from Plug, and sensible sensitives should shun them.

      www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyK0eHVQ3Qw

      red delicious

      I was approached by the apple tree

      A friendly paedophile was he

      He offered me an apple

      Red delicious

      Don’t take fruit from a stranger’s hand

      Mother said, it should be banned

      But he offered me a carrot

      Most nutritious

      I would have thought he was a vegetarian

      Except for the sausage in his hand

      I hoped he wasn’t feeling

      Too ambitious

      I took my knife and fork out quick

      I gave that thing a little prick

      It seemed to bleed forever

      Red delicious

      holy gruel

      Plug was so hungry when a boy that he broke into church and ate the Holy Gruel.

      peggy sue

      Mother used to hang Plug from the clothesline by his ears. He was lonely at first, until he fell in love with Peggy Sue.

      plug can boast

      A dog shares 84% of our DNA. That's not very impressive, although it is a bit. Even a half-sized dog weighing in at 42% would be very proud of that percentage and probably strut around a little arrogantly. And yet Plug can boast 100%!

      headbutt

      Plug would like to headbutt his enemy but fears reperconcussion.

      bears

      Polar bears should learn to adapt, or they could be in trouble if this global warming is true. A solar bear would be in pretty good shape though.

      mosaics

      Mosaics aren't what they're cracked up to be.

      flowers

      Plug likes flowers; he’s coming back as a carnation.

      something crunchy and sweet

      Plug is thinking about becoming a vegetable, something crunchy and sweet with a nice leafy top, like a carrot. But you're actually made of meat and bone and water, Plug, so don't get ideas below your station. We subjugated those plants many years ago. You have to resist their provocative overtures.

      dali llama

      Dali sought inspiration in the Himalayan Mountains and finding it on a pointy peak, whipped off a quick surrealistic masterpiece on a passing animal. This Dali Llama achieved almost mythic proportions, although not in fact a myth, even if it was as beautifully proportional as Dali's moustache, which oscillated delightfully under his majestic nose.

      The Chinese greatly admired the twirly whirly moustache and invaded his mountain retreat with a convoluted plan to kidnap the Dali Llama and ransom it in exchange for the artist's moustache but, ole, the flamenco-footed artist was too quick for them. Rumour has it that the moustache is still at liberty, like the now famous llama, or hidden in a cave, or maybe a yeti is wearing it...though that seems a little unlikely.

      team

      There is no 'i' in 'team', but there is a 'me'.

      questions

      Why was there a Big Bang? Where did God come from? Who invented questions?

      angst

      As a boy Plug was sexually nervous. He had angst in his pants.

      tragic story

      Plug’s trajectory is a tragic story.

      only enemies

      Plug is thinking of starting Faceoffbook. Only enemies can be invited.

      wipe out poverty

      They can wipe out poverty for $30 billion dollars, which is the combined military spending for only eight days! But can they really bomb all the poor in that short period?

      that first introduction

      That first introduction wasn’t quite what we were hoping for, Plug. Strange stray thoughts and a mediocre song or two do not a coherent message make. Are you being clever and subtle and perhaps a little mischievous; maybe even cunningly cryptic?

      Eh?

      belief

      It must take great passion and courage to die for a belief. Unfortunately, it takes very little to kill for the same.

      the sleep-fugue state

      If you died and went into a sleep-fugue state for exactly the same amount of time that you'd spent sleeping in your lifetime, well, that would be more than coincidence. It is probable that sleep gets stored in your DNA spiral, which slowly unwinds in the sleep-fugue state until zap! all used up: a nice straight DNA and a glorious new future ahead. It's a pretty good Plug theory and we wouldn't be surprised if he gets some disciples.

      disciples

      Disciples are all well and good, but they come with responsibility. You can't just let them hang around disciplining all day because they would get bored. The danger is that they would lose their way and become disciplinists, beating and subjugating the common folk and telling them what to do. It's probably already happened somewhere.

      cheese

      Plug sometimes sneaks into the kitchen, opens the fridge door, and pretends he's terrified of the cheese.

      yet to determine

      Plug reckons that every child is innocent when born (bit controversial, Plug!), but he has yet to determine at what age they become responsible for the sins of their ancestors.

      the space between

      Lately Plug has been paying attention to the space between words. He’s reached no conclusions.

      genesis

      Genesis minus one must have been interesting.

      but even he

      Bob Dylan invented the Zimmer walking frame, but John Lennon ruled Russia for a while. Neither was as successful as Freddie Mercury, who cured syphilis and built a planet, but even he wasn't as successful as Elton John, the dunny man.

      rust

      The rust on Plug's car is its best feature. One patch resembles the original ‘big bang’…like when the earth was born from an exploding super nova type sun sort of fathomless universe, black wormy holes and asteroids and planets with moons and gaseous rings…or so they say. The rust keeps growing, too. Actually, it doesn’t really look like the ‘big bang’, Plug only said that to make him seem more astronomical.

      in moderation

      Fat animals should be eaten in moderation because of obeastity.

      weaker and wheezier

      Plug is getting weaker and wheezier; luckily, it’s all downhill from here.

      unfinished poem

      My ode is to my orange

      I bought it from Fred Borange

      (Unfinished poem)

      cheaty things

      Plug is not proud of some of the cheaty things he's done in his life, although two of them were quite good.

      https://youtu.be/pUccdNXLGm0

      Mr and Mrs Plug quite enjoyed singing this song. Little did they expect such condemnation. They quite enjoyed that also.

      let’s build a bomb

      I watch it all on my TV

      I think they’re getting close to me

      So build a bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      A great big bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      Kaboom

      I’ve seen them watching and heard their foreign cries

      They smell our barbecue and it’s no big surprise

      That they want a piece of it, but I gotta tell you, guys

      I don’t like the way they beg with anger in their eyes

      So build a bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      A great big bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      Kaboom

      All of my life I’ve worked so hard to make a go

      When people ask me for a share, I tell them no

      There’s such a lot of them and they just seem to grow

      hard to communicate so let’s give them a show

      So build a bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      A great big bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      Kaboom

      It’s not my fault that they don’t have so very much

      It’s not my duty to provide them with a crutch

      I hear them praying in an unfamiliar tongue

      They must be praying to a very different one

      So build a bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      A great big bomb

      Let’s build a bomb

      Kaboom

      mass destruction

      The

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