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    Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down
    Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down
    Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down
    Ebook54 pages48 minutes

    Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down

    By Diane Watson

    ()

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    About this ebook

    This is not one of those stories that should start with "once upon a time". This is a Southern fairy tale, and they always start with "you ain't gonna believe this crap." This is kind of an unfortunate start for a book that's about the facts of my life. There's really not a story line; it's simply a compilation of crazy events that have filled a life. Some of these stories are very funny, so if you have heart trouble, asthma, or a weak bladder, grab an aspirin, your inhaler, and a fresh diaper, and proceed with caution. This book is not a self-help book or an inspiring epic novel of heroics, it's simply an attempt to bring laughter to the lives of others and to assure them that we're all a little bit crazy. Grab your favorite blanket and settle back to enjoy some lighthearted stories of a Southern Scottish family. It's silly, unprofessional, and probably unreadable, but hey, like my momma always said, Columbus took a chance.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDiane Watson
    Release dateMar 1, 2013
    ISBN9781301562787
    Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down

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      Book preview

      Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down - Diane Watson

      Keep Your Kilt Pulled Down

      By Diane Watson

      Copyright 2013 Diane Watson

      Smashwords Edition

      ~~~~~

      Acknowledgement

      Thanks to my husband, Pat Watson, for 26 years of hysterical material.

      A very special thank you to my son, David Watson, without whom this book would not exist. He was the typist, editor, proof-reader, publishing agent, and the only model with fetching enough legs to wear the kilt on the cover!

      Last, but not least, thank you to all those who read this book. Thanks for playing along.

      Disclaimer

      All the stories in this book are factual. No names have been changed to protect the innocent because none of the pool hall characters in this book ARE innocent!

      ~~~~~

      Table of Contents

      Intro

      What a Diplomat

      Love and Marriage

      The Joys of Pregnancy

      Kids

      Getting Old

      Embarrassing Moments

      Tips for Housecleaning

      Being a Big Gal

      Husbands

      Bless 'Em, Lord

      Dreams

      My Cat is a Hitman

      Advice for my Son

      Epilogue

      ~~~~~

      Intro

      Hello, my name is Diane.

      This is a fact I was not fully aware of until I started to school at the age of 6 years old in September of 1969. My oldest sister, Donna, had given me the nickname Deany (Dēn-ē), but my mother, who was in the perimenopause years when I was born, had to go though the entire list of kids (Donna, the oldest, Debra Sue(whom we called Susie), and finally me) before she got your name right. So, being the last in line, I thought my name was Donna Sue Deany. It kind of sounded like a great magician's name, didn't it? So when I started to school, I wasn't always aware who they were talking to when they said Diane. I wasn't a slow child; I was just not sure they were talking to me when they called my real name, but you can see where the teacher might have gotten the wrong impression. I am pretty sure most of the other children at least knew their own name. So, I guess I am lucky to have had my somewhat mediocre school career, such as it was. In today's world of special ed., I would probably have been given meds and a special helmet to wear. Back in those days, if a child wasn't a genius, it wasn't especially noticed. I mean, for goodness sake, compared to the computer-using preschoolers of this generation, we probably would all have looked like the paste-eaters of our day.

      I remember my first day of school. My two older sisters had always been in school, so when it was my turn to go, I thought it was going to be the adventure of a lifetime. Boy, was I wrong! I get there (and as I said before) no one knew my name, a lot of the kids were crying, and it just turned out to be like prison anyway. I came home, and when Momma asked me how I liked school and if I was excited about going back tomorrow, I stated (and I quote), School is s—t for the birds, and I ain't goin' back no more! Needless to say, I did indeed go back the next day and for many years after, but the second day, sitting in my desk on a very tender behind was a little more difficult.

      As you may have guessed from the story that I've just related, the only word to describe my life is Insane. It has always been this way. I always thought when I was a kid that when I grew up, things would be different. I thought crazy things only happened to kids, and that when I reached the magic age of 18, then things would be different. I reached the magical 18 about 26 years ago, but things never really changed for me. Maybe the magic number is 50, but it didn't happen for my husband, so I don't know when things change. Maybe they never do, so I'll

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