The Heart of the Pearl: How to Completely Heal from "Sexual" Abuse

Chapter 1:

The Pearl

Pearls are beautiful, right? Lustrous in a variety of sensually smooth shapes and glowing colours, pearls dignify necks with class and grace. Beautiful. On the outside.

Inside every pearl is a secret. Inside every pearl is pain. Every pearl, every single lovely pearl is formed out of pain or, perhaps more accurately, as a way to avoid pain. Every pearl tells a lie: everything is fine; in fact, it’s more than just fine—it’s spectacularly fine…

Can you relate? Does this seem familiar to you? Keep reading.

It’s not natural (though not unusual) for oysters to harbour pearls. If given a choice, I imagine that oysters would choose not to grow pearls. Oysters form pearls in self-defence. At some point, a foreign substance enters the oyster, often when very young. This foreign substance could be a bit of grit, a parasite, or, as in the case of cultured, man-made pearls, a piece of another oyster is deliberately inserted into the tender flesh of the recipient. The oyster is powerless, helpless to protect itself from pain by ejecting the irritant. So it covers up. It layers a smooth material (called ‘nacre’) over the intruding irritant and goes on with life as best as it can.

The problem with the oyster’s creative covering and layering-up defence is that its healing efforts make the irritant larger. An oyster responds the only way it knows how—it adds another layer, further complicating its life and making the irritant more of a presence, though not as sharp. And so the beautiful pearl grows: initiated by intrusion, a reaction to pain, nurtured by its host’s self-protection. The oyster lives (survives) with the embedded pearl always present, always growing. It is not difficult to imagine that the oyster, over time, adapts to the presence of the pearl as if the pearl were a part of the oyster. The two are inseparable, moving through time until death do them part. Do you see how you and your efforts led me to think of oysters and pearls?

This book is for you if you have been hiding a secret, nurturing an ancient or recent harm, or using denial and pretence to protect yourself from pain. This book is for you if you have been sexually abused.

Chapter 2:

You’ve Been Told a Lie

Have you heard these types of statements? Once you’ve been sexually abused, you will never ever be completely over it. People who are sexually abused are damaged and will always be affected by the trauma of the abuse. You can learn to cope, but you will always carry the pain with you. A part of you was lost, and you will never be complete. You will never be able to fully trust again. Your life has been forever destroyed.

Very powerful statements, indeed. Although they are certainly prevalent in media reports of sexual abuse, perhaps you are the person who has most often told you those lies. It is very possible that you live with the certainty that your life was changed irrevocably from the moment of the abuse and that you will never be the person you could have been if the abuse did not occur: "I will never live up to my full potential. My life will always be stunted in the shadow of abuse."

If you believe those proclamations (and I know you probably do), my heart goes out to you. What a terrible way to live. What a horrible sentence placed upon you to carry out—a perpetual less-than-life struggle. Always making the best of things. Doomed to be a fraction of yourself. Always on guard against triggers, and chronically protecting yourself and your relationships from the enduring contamination of your closeted enemy. Maybe you’ve shoved your memories deep down and moved on. But then, there’s the ever-present possibility that, no matter how faint, the memory monster will emerge, perhaps when you least expect it and are least prepared. Intentional forgetting is so much work. It requires so much energy. It is all so exhausting and depleting.

It’s neither fashionable nor considered correct for therapists to say they have particular clients they enjoy working with the most or, for that matter, favourite issues to help people with. Clients are supposed to be liked equally, as a parent with offspring or a teacher with students. It’s considered clinically professional (and most often accurate) to point out that even though a client’s issue is the same as another’s on the surface, each client will experience and express the issue uniquely. All this is true, yet it doesn’t change the fact that I have particularly enjoyed working with people who come to my office for help in healing from sexual abuse. Your efforts in dealing with the lingering pain are often breathtakingly beautiful feats of endurance and creativity.

My observation of sexually abused people is that they tend to be very imaginative and sensitive, often artistic in expression. It’s understandable that you would be; you’ve had to find a way to live and love as best you can. While it’s true that people who have been sexually abused are at a higher risk for addiction, mental health, and relationship issues, this does not take away from the fact that you may be doing whatever you can to cope. Mental health issues are not at odds with creativity; in fact, the opposite may be true. Think of the tortured artist, or the comedian whose wit is born of sorrow.

A child whose innocence has been violated by a trusted family member or friend, or an adult raped on a date—both face the same fundamental challenge: to love and be loved. That need is hardwired into us. With perhaps a few sociopathic exceptions, each one of us is born to love and be loved. But how can you do that when love and pain are intertwined? How do you open your heart to give and receive when doing so requires a badly damaged trust? Further, how can you give and receive sexually when that biological birthright has been so profoundly tainted? Small wonder that your pearl is so wondrous in its complexity. You’ve lived with your pain and found ways to love as best you can, and that has taken incredible ingenuity.

But here is the truth, and it is good news: You don’t have to keep building the pearl. You don’t have to keep protecting yourself. Those declarations and proclamations of perpetual part-living are lies. They are based on misunderstanding or misinformation, perhaps emerged from misguided attempts to relate to your suffering, but they are lies nonetheless. I understand that people may wish to convey to you that they appreciate the enormity of your violation and your suffering and thus speak of everlasting damage. I understand that you may have been wrestling with your pain for so long that it seems impossible to imagine being free from it. But you are NOT permanently damaged. You are NOT broken. You CAN be whole. You CAN be free. You can be you, not even partially someone’s victim. You can be you, not just a survivor of someone’s abuse. You can be completely and freely you—free to live and love as fully and openly as you were meant to, and I am going to tell you exactly what you need to do in order to get there.

Chapter 3:

Your Journal

Call it a journal, a log, a diary, or a notepad; it’s all the same to me. I’d like you to buy one or use one that you’ve set aside for a special occasion. Pick one that you like. Make sure it’s not just a clump of stapled-together foolscap. (Yes, men, I am thinking of you!)

I’d like you to use a journal that is worthy of documenting great change. Your journal will be your companion while you read this book. Write your thoughts and feelings as you move through the chapters and complete the corresponding exercises. It is important that you do this, for several reasons: When you write something down, you make it more real; you take what is abstract and make it concrete by placing it on paper. You may have used denial and minimization to cope with the abuse but, in order to really deal with it, you need to stop using those tools of avoidance; putting it on paper will help you to stop.

Your journal will help you to become more thoughtful and self-aware. It will help you to slow down your thoughts and make less reactive choices. You will be able to see your progress. The thoughts and feelings you write early on will be very different from what you write toward the end. At the beginning, you may find yourself writing about doubt and fear; the middle could be filled with shame and anger; and, if you do what you need to do, the end of the journal will document your triumph and pride. Whatever you write, your journal will be a sign of commitment on your part that you are going to do what it takes to be free. Let’s face it; if you’re like me, you need all the help you can get in remembering. It would be a real shame if you had a brilliant insight but forgot it in the midst of preparing for work or thinking about what time you had to pick up your son from soccer.

Perhaps the most important reason to faithfully use a journal is that you will find it much easier to do something I will ask you to do later: talk to people about your abuse. Talking about it will be much easier if you begin by reading your entries to a trusted someone. You will learn more about the need for this in the next chapter but, for now, I ask you to take a leap of faith and a jump of commitment. Buy a journal and use it as you travel through this book. You’ll be grateful you did. Reclaiming your life from abuse is not something you should just read about; it’s something you need to actively do. Using a journal is part of that activity.

At the beginning of the journal, I would like you to write a message of commitment to yourself. Think of it as more than a New Year’s resolution; people tend to break those. This message of commitment is more like a solemn vow. It’s a serious promise that you swear to hold yourself to. Your message is your own to write, but try to make it very firm and clear. Here’s a sample:

Dear _____,

I commit to doing the work that will make me healthy. It may be difficult at times. I may feel pain and I might be afraid, but I am worth the effort. The people I love are worth the effort. I deserve to be free from the effects of the sexual abuse that was done to me. I commit to you that I will do what it takes to be healthy and happy.

Good start. Incidentally, feel free to decorate and doodle in your journal. Personalize it; make it your own. Take some time to write about what you are thinking and feeling at this point. Hopes? Fears? Doubts? Whatever you feel, write it down. It’s good for you now, and it will give you something to compare with down the road.

Here’s the first exercise: I want you to take a moment to reflect on your life. Draw a vertical line down the middle of a journal page. No, really—do it—don’t just imagine it. As a rule of thumb, you need to know that thinking about something and doing something are very different and, in your work with me, you need to do things, not just imagine and talk about doing them.

Okay, now that you’ve drawn a line down the middle of a page, write Things I’m Ashamed Of on the left side and Things I’m Proud Of on the right side. Now make your lists under those headings. Set this book aside and do it now. People often talk about change and wanting to feel better, but talk is cheap. You need to act on—not just talk about—the change you want. Sometimes, all talking does is make you feel as if you’ve done something, and this feeling can take the pressure off for a while. But this sense of relief can be an excuse to avoid the pain and struggle it takes to accomplish lasting change through action. List five or so items for each of the two columns and then come back to this book.

So, what did you come up with? Don’t be concerned if you listed more or fewer than five items; what’s important is the nature of the items and which column was easiest to write. After you have done some work, we will revisit this exercise. When we do, I believe you will like what you read. But for now, read on…

Chapter 4:

How Will I Know?

When people come to me for therapy, I understand that they want to know how long it will take for them to be free of whatever is troubling them. They want to know how many sessions it will take, how long they have to come to therapy, and how much it will cost. All good questions, and all nearly impossible to answer. How could I know the answers to questions so dependent on variables out of my control? I don’t know how hard you will work to resolve your problems, or how much support and time you have, or how insightful and intelligent you are. I don’t know if your relief will happen gradually, in a flash, or a combination of both.

I can’t answer the how long question, but I can tell you how you will very clearly know when you are free from the effects of the abuse. There are two signs that will tell you. The first one is this: You will know you are free from the abuse when you can speak openly and freely about it to anyone without feeling shame and embarrassment. Read it again: You will know you are free from the abuse when you can speak openly about it to anyone without feeling shame and embarrassment. That’s one of your tests; one of your landmarks or milestones; one of your two goals. It’s the first task and, if you accomplish it, chances are that the second task will quickly fall into place and be a joyful reward for accomplishing the first one.

Many of my clients have reactions that are the same as the ones you may be having right now: disbelief, discomfort, and even fear. I understand if you want to drop this book and run. I understand if you want to search for an easier way. I understand if you choose to attempt to heal without enduring the test of talking openly about the abuse. I can picture you shaking your head, imagining not ever getting to that point or even understanding why you should. Why the heck would you need to talk to anyone about something you’ve never mentioned at all or, perhaps you did reveal