Unbeautifully Loved

Unbeautifully Loved

Emma Grayson

Copyright © 2013 Emma Grayson

Smashwords Edition

Unbeautifully Loved

Copyright © 2013 Emma Grayson

Smashwords Edition

Cover Design: © Meredith Blair of Author’s Angels.

All rights reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, (electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the author 0f this book. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, and incidents either are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked owners of products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

More from Emma Grayson

Breathe Again series

Unbeautifully Loved

Unbearable Guilt – coming soon

Blinded by Love series

Take it All

Promise it All – coming spring 2014

Breaking the Rules series

(Spin off from Blinded by Love)

Coming late 2014/early 2015

Warning

This book contains the following and is recommended for ages 18 and up.

-Sexual content

-Abusive subject matter

-Attempted rape

-Language

For my mom,

Thank you… for everything.

I Love You.

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

More from Emma Grayson

Warning

Dedication

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty Two

Chapter Twenty Three

Epilogue

Excerpt from Unbearable Guilt

Acknowledgments

About the Author

As a little girl, I was told when you wake up from a nightmare, all you have to do is close your eyes and go back to sleep, and then the nightmare would be forgotten. I have yet to wake up from my nightmare.

Prologue

Meeting him changed my life. I never thought I’d meet someone who finally completed me like he did. Someone who made me feel whole and loved as much as he did. There was suddenly a void in my heart, a void I thought I’d never fill.

I was in love, deeply in love, the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime, the kind of love you can’t live without. He didn’t even know how I felt. I waited too long and I didn’t know if I would ever get to tell him.

Wrapped in a thin blanket, my body shaking from the cold, thoughts of him fizzled from my mind. I was in shock, I could tell. I knew the signs. Wincing as I moved, shooting pain licked my body in every direction. A couple of my ribs along with my wrist were broken, and possibly something on my face. Pain swept over and into my head.

I raised my free arm up slowly, painfully, feeling my damp cheek. My hand found its way to the laceration on the side of my head, the source of only some of the pain. Unable to hold my arm up for much longer, it fell to the side, throbbing and dangling off the edge of the bed.

My body. It was beaten and bruised—possibly more than ever before. I could feel myself slipping away, wanting only to close my eyes and sleep, but it was the last thing I’d allow myself to do.

My mind was disoriented; I had no idea what day it was or how long I had been locked in this cold, dark place. Time was frozen, becoming nonexistent. I was sure the days were just bleeding together. I thought about Finn and Mollie, hoping and praying they were safe because I didn’t know if I was going to see them again. The thought was unbearable. My eyes watered, nose burned, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Pull it together.

Think.

I didn’t know where I was, why I was here, or what caused him to do what he did to me. I felt like my life, my being, was being sucked right out of me. The abuse had taken its toll on my body. I had no fight left in me. All the hope that I had earlier was beginning to fade away.

The door creaking open brought me back from my thoughts. My eyes snapped closed at the light that followed him in. I wanted to pull my blanket up to hide myself in the hope that it would make me disappear, but I couldn’t and there was no point in trying.

You wouldn’t think any kind of malicious evil would consume him by looking at him, but it did. You could see it in the grin he wore and the burning in his cold, dead, blue eyes. A shiver ran through my body as I thought of his eyes looking back at me, blank, filled with nothing but coldness; their brightness was gone forever. I’d never seen a pair of eyes so cold, so hollow and dark. Not even the pair I gazed into years before compared to what I was seeing now.

He walked over to the side of the bed in silence. His rough, cold hands roamed over my hair and down the side of my face. My body stilled as I wished him away. My eyes snapped shut not knowing what was about to come.

His hand slipped under the covers, gliding over my naked arm, stopping above my elbow, lingering there a moment before moving away. Suddenly, my cuffed hand was free. His hand went back, gripping my arm tightly as he pulled me to a sitting position.

Pain radiated through me as I let out a whimper. He pulled me to my frozen feet; my knees shook like they were going to give out, unable to support me. I swayed to the side but his grip held me upright, tightly; his fingers dug into my arm, pinching my skin.

What’s one more bruise?

He started to pull me towards the open door, my eyes squinting, trying to adjust to the light. I didn’t know where we were going and I was sure it wasn’t going to be good. For the first time I wished to stay in the hole. I didn’t have any strength to fight him so I let him pull me, taking me wherever he was going.

Maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe it was meant to end here. Meeting him, falling in love, having this emptiness inside me finally filled. Maybe it was only supposed to be… temporary.

Life had a way of playing cruel tricks on you.

This I knew.

I no longer saw the future with him as bright, happy, and full of love; it was suddenly empty, numb, and full of complete and utter darkness.

Chapter One

"What the fuck, this can’t be right?" I said to myself as I pulled up in front of the house.

It was dark and I was unable to see much of it but from what I could see it looked cute and nice. I was sure we were at the wrong place. We didn’t do cute or nice or cute and nice places.

Never.

It was just after midnight when I looked at the clock on the dash. As I raised my arms up to stretch them out, I felt just how tight and exhausted my body was. My eyes were heavy and burning in need of sleep. God knows how many days I’d missed since we left our last place in Yorkton.

We couldn’t stay there any longer.

Now we were in Camden.

Camden, Alberta was place number six in the last eight months. Part of me was hoping it was the last because I was getting tired of it. Tired of everything, but I knew this was just going to be another pit stop along the way to the unknown. We’d been all over the country from one town or city to another. We would stay in each place a few weeks, no longer than two months before packing and leaving.

It had already taken its toll emotionally and now it was starting too physically. I was sure I’d dropped some weight since everything began. I couldn’t worry about myself, not now and not yet. I turned off the car then turned around in my seat and looked back at the only person who would ever matter.

He was slouched to the side, his head resting on his shoulder, fast asleep. Finn’s shaggy, dirty blonde hair fell down to just above his eyes, his lips slightly parted. I was lucky that all the moving around was exciting for him. At four years old, it was like a huge adventure for him and he loved every minute of it.

How I wished I could think the same.

Finn was my whole life; nothing else mattered but him and his safety. The only thing on my mind was my child, not just for the past eight months, but since the day I held him in my arms at the hospital. That day, I became a mother, a mother who would do anything to protect her flesh and blood, whatever the cost, whatever the sacrifice.

There were sacrifices made and not just by me.

Bright lights flashed behind me before the car pulled in front of me and parked. I looked at it for a second and when it turned off, I took one last look at Finn before opening my door and quietly hopping out of my Jeep so I wouldn’t wake him.

How cute is this place! My best friend Mollie said as I looked over in her direction. Like me, she looked exhausted and like she could sleep for day’s maybe even weeks.

Mollie and I were the same height—five foot six—but I was curvy and she had a slim figure. We had been driving for days but she still looked gorgeous—even with her black sweats hanging low on her hips and tucked into a pair of Uggs, her favorite white hoodie that was now way too big, and her face make up free.

Have you taken a look inside yet? Mollie asked as she walked up next to me.

No, not yet. I was waiting for you first, I answered with what I could only imagine was a sad and tired smile.

You holding up okay Lexie? she asked me softly, her eyes not moving from my face.

Yeah, Molls, just tired and you know— I trailed off.

She stood next to me silently.

"Lexie, you know we do this every time and have this same conversation, and every time I say the same thing, it hasn’t changed and it never will. Now, do I need to tell you again, for the… what? Sixth time?" she asked, full of the usual Mollie sass, arms crossed over her chest.

I looked at my best friend who I had known since we met on the playground when we were five, chasing after Colton Adams, not just for pulling my pigtails, but for putting sand in Mollie’s hair. After I pushed him down, Mollie sat on him and pushed his face in the dirt. What brought us together was when, instead of yelling at him for putting sand in her hair, she yelled at him for pulling my hair and told him if he did it again the dirt would have worms in it. She gave his head one last push into the dirt then jumped off him and looked at me. She grabbed my hand and we ran away laughing.

Almost twenty-one years later we were closer than ever. After everything that happened, it would never change.

Please Moll, one more time, I promised.

She sighed, swinging her arm around me and told me what she always told me when we arrived at a new place. She was right. With the same words and same determined look on her face, she gave me a squeeze and we moved towards the house.

Moll, I called as I stopped abruptly near the front door. I think we’re at the wrong place, I said looking around.

Eyeing me, Mollie grinned. No, it’s the right place. There’s no mistake.

But… it looks so nice. It’s nothing like the other places. Those were small and basically shitholes, this—this is definitely not a shithole. I broke eye contact with her and looked at the house.

Mollie’s face softened and her eyes lit with a touch of amusement. Surprise? she said, shrugging her shoulders.

Surprise? What do you mean surprise? I asked completely confused.

Mollie turned to face me before she spoke. No more shitholes, Lexie, no more tiny houses where you and Finn have to share a room. No more shitholes in bad neighborhoods, no more shitholes where we spend three days just cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. Her face was hard but her sparkling blue eyes softened. She stared back at me, waiting for me to react.

Moll… how… how did you… how can we… I don’t understand. Why would you take this place? You know… you know we… I trailed off, taking my eyes away from hers as I looked at the house again.

Lexie, come on let’s go inside, take a quick look then grab our shit, grab Finn, and get some sleep. We can talk about this in the morning, okay?

Before I could answer she squeezed my hand then walked up the front steps. I watched as she opened the mailbox on the side, grabbed what sounded like a pair of keys, pulled her hand out, and turned to the door. Once she got the door open she turned around and looked at me.

Come on Lexie.

The moment I walked in, I stopped dead. My breath caught in my throat as I looked around. We were standing in a small boot area. Looking straight ahead there was a long hallway with a door at the end that I assumed led out to the back yard.

My eyes drifted back down the hall to the huge opening just a few steps away from me. I took a few steps inside and looked through the opening; the breath that had caught whooshed out of me. It was a perfectly sized living room with a dining room connected in the far left. What got me was it wasn’t emptied; it was partially furnished. Everything was nice, nicer than the second hand stuff we usually got.

A large, black, leather couch was positioned perfectly in the center of the room; the back faced the opening and me. In front of the couch was a glass coffee table with a dark wood frame and legs. On the mocha colored wall across from the couch was a decent sized flat screen television with built-in wall shelves on both sides.

My eyes drifted below the television to what looked like a cubby built into the wall. Inside was what looked like a cable box and a DVD player, more things we hadn’t had in a long while.

But what caught my eye was the gorgeous fireplace below.

I’d always wanted a fireplace.

My eyes swept across the room to the large window looking out and over the porch and into the front yard where I could see our vehicles parked.

Let’s get Finn so all of us can get some sleep. We can look around and talk in the morning, it’s been a long couple days, Mollie said softly.

She gave me a small reassuring smile then motioned to the door. Nodding back, I followed her out the door and to the Jeep to get our bags and my sleeping son from the back seat.

*     *     *

Fuck, I hissed, as Finn had turned in his sleep, throwing his arm out getting me right in the nose, waking me from a dead sleep. I lifted his arm off my face then looked at the clock that was beside the bed. I was shocked to see it was almost ten and that Finn was still asleep this late.

I settled back into the bed and looked around the room. The living room wasn’t the only room that was somewhat furnished. The walls were painted deep lavender with dark hard wood flooring. Something I had noticed when we got in last night was that the whole place had hardwood flooring.

The queen size bed was comfy, very comfy, the first bed in months that didn’t make me miss my old bed, like every other place did. On both sides of the bed were dark end tables, each with a simple cream colored lamp. Looking to my right, the sun was trying to sneak in through the soft grey curtains.

I looked over at Finn who was still sound asleep at my side. Reaching across, I brushed the hair off his forehead then quietly got out of bed walking over to the window. I carefully pulled the curtains back and looked out into what was our back yard; it reminded me of the yard I had as a child growing up, just a bit smaller.

Mommy? Finn’s sleepy voice filled the room. I let the curtains go turning to see him sitting in bed rubbing his eyes.

Morning baby, did you have a good sleep? I sat down next to him pulling him onto my lap.

He rested his head against my shoulder. Yeah, but I’m hungry, he spoke as he looked around the room.

Okay baby, come on. Let’s go see what we can find, I said as I slid us off the bed and put Finn on his feet. Taking his hand, we made our way downstairs.

The house was bright from the sun shining through the big window in the living room. As I hit the bottom of the stairs I noticed a sliding door on the right, across from the living room. I slid the door open with curiosity; it was a gorgeous area, a decent size that could be used as a play area for Finn. The best part of the room was a bay window with light purple curtains and a padded bench seat that only needed a few pillows.

I abruptly stopped myself before I started redecorating the space, knowing we wouldn’t be here long. We might have to pack up tomorrow or next week and run again, so it was pointless to think of the future because I had no idea what the future held for us. At the moment, it involved us being on the move, always checking over our shoulders in fear.

At that, my thoughts shifted to Dex, who was doing everything possible to find Finn and me; Dex was why we didn’t stay in one place for too long. I knew he was out there pissed, itching to make me pay and watch me suffer. It wouldn’t have been the first time he did that to me. It’s just that this time it would be worse than not being able to talk for a few days.

I felt my body tense and tremble as I shook the thoughts of Dex from my mind. I heard the front door open as Mollie walked in carrying grocery bags.

Auntie Moll! Finn yelled as he ran from the room to her, wrapping his arms around her thigh.

Hey dude. Guess what your aunt Moll bought when she went to the grocery store this morning? She beamed down at him.

Candy! he exclaimed.

She laughed shaking her head. Come with me into the kitchen and I’ll show ya.

I followed them into the kitchen while taking a better look around the place. The kitchen was small, which didn’t bother me since I was an awful cook. Baking I could do, cooking not a chance.

I have more things out in the Jeep, I’ll be back, Mollie said setting the bags on the counter as she looked at me then to Finn. Wanna come little man?

Finn didn’t answer; he just grabbed her hand and started towards the door excitedly. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched him pull her. Finn loved Mollie from the moment she held him in the delivery room; they’ve always had a special bond, which was important to me.

I didn’t have any siblings growing up and Mollie was as close to a sister as I ever had or needed. We may not share the same blood but it didn’t matter, we were sisters in our own way. It was just her and me against the world growing up; nothing could separate us, even to this day. If it weren’t for Mollie, I’d still be in Dex’s world of abuse, or worse, dead.

Growing up in Kingston everybody knew everyone; it was just one of those towns. Then Dex moved to town and when we met, I was completely taken away by him. He was older by three years and I thought he was completely out of my league; I had no shot at someone like him.

He was six foot one, with short blonde hair, baby blues, a great smile, and even nicer body. He totally had the model look working for him. He was hot and wanted me and it was a big deal since I’d never had the attention of a guy like him before; before him, there was nobody.

Mollie hated Dex. From the moment I introduced them she had no love or kind words for him, ever. She knew he was a bad guy before I did and had told me, warned me to stay away from him. But being twenty and never having had a boyfriend, then meeting someone like Dex—someone who was totally into me and who became my entire world—I didn’t listen to her.

We fought over it more than once. Time after time I told her she was wrong, that she didn’t know him like I did, to give him a chance and trust that I was a good judge of character. She didn’t like it but she went with it and I knew it was hard for her but I told myself that over time she’d start to like him. Boy, I was wrong about that, among other things.

Dex and I started out good, really good. Talking and texting every day when we weren’t together, and when we were together it was hot. We seemed to have a connection. It was so good; I thought he was it for me. I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him despite my youth. Slowly, things began to change and before I realized it, it was too late.

Seven months in and things with Dex had already begun to change, but I refused to see it or listen to Mollie.

"Lexie come on, when you gonna open those beautiful hazel eyes of yours? He leaves you behind and only goes out with his friends and does God knows what and with God knows who. He, as much as I hate to say it, used to be somewhat affectionate with you and now he’s completely distant acting like you aren’t even there. He only ever calls you ‘cute’ or ‘nice’ and honey you are more than that.

I know he puts you down in any way he can, I’ve been there and heard it. Saying you aren’t sexy enough for him or his dudes to be around and I’ve heard him point out other girls saying how hot they are and wanting to bang them, while you were right there! She paused looking at me carefully. He doesn’t care about you Alexia, you can’t think this is the way a man treats his girl, cause it’s not. You deserve better than that, you have to know that, she pleaded with me.

Deep down I knew she was right about everything, I told her everything when it happened. Mollie bringing it up angered me and I felt like she was throwing it in my face. It caused a huge fight; we didn’t talk for days. I was too ashamed to admit she was right and that I needed a way out from Dex, but I was so far gone that I couldn’t do it.

I thought I loved him.

Over time, it became easier. I told myself he loved me and that’s how someone who loves you treats you.

Four and a half months later, I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock since I was on the pill even before we started dating. Dex wasn’t one bit happy.

He flipped to be exact.

He accused me of trapping him in the relationship and that I wanted to keep my hook in him. What he didn’t know was that before I found out, I was getting ready to end it. Once I saw the pink plus sign, everything changed. From that day forward my life changed, not all for the best but more for the worse.

Mollie’s face appeared in front of mine. Yo, Lexie, where’d you go?

Huh? I asked shaking my head, my brows knitting together.

I’ve been calling your name from the kitchen for like a hundred years and you didn’t answer. You’ve just been looking at the wall, very intensely I might add. She looked at me pointedly knowing where my mind went.

Molls, I’m fine. It was nothing. I lied.

She crossed her arms over her chest. Liar, I know that look in your eyes. I know exactly where your thoughts were just then. They were on Dex the fucking douchebag, she said in a matter of fact tone.

Don’t worry about it, I’m fine. Let’s just eat and then we can talk. I changed directions quickly before we got into a full-on conversation about Dex.

Mollie eyed me knowing what I was doing but her face softened and her body relaxed. I went out and got some things this morning while you and Finn were still asleep.

What kinds of things? I eyed her curiously.

Mollie’s eyes brightened as the corners of her lips curled. Oh you know… some groceries. She turned and walked into the kitchen. A few things for around the house, some towels, new bed sets for all of us, couple things for the kitchen, some movies, new clothes for all of us and toys for Finn. Nothing too major, most of it was on sale. Lucky hey! she said nonchalantly and I knew she was hiding something from me.

My eyes widen as my jaw hung open in shock. "What… the… fuck, I whispered, my eyes piercing into hers. Please tell me you are joking, Molls, I mean seriously tell me your fuckin’ joking."

She looked at me with her lips curled into a small smile.

Lexie, chill, it’s all good. Believe me and trust me when I say what I’m going to say next. One, we need all that stuff. You can’t deny that. And two, I have a feeling we are going to be here awhile. I don’t know how to explain it but I just have a very good feeling about being here; one I haven’t had in awhile or ever got at any of our other places.

I felt my body stiffen; it was unlike Mollie to say anything positive about the places we went. She was the one who was always a few steps ahead of things, deciding where we went next. When it was time to leave, she was the one who locked down places and found small jobs for us.

You also said you had a really good feeling about that hole in the wall hair salon you went to when we went to our senior formal. You do remember what that ‘very good’ feeling got you right? And yeah, I totally went there, I said crossing my arms over my chest.

Mollie was always one who took her looks very seriously, and that hole in the wall salon didn’t have a good ending.

Her eyes flew open and her jaw hit the floor before she picked it up and spoke. "Alexia May Todd, how dare you bring up that experience? My hair turned green! I had to go to senior formal like that!"

I couldn’t help but snort at the memory; it was something else. It was horrible at the time, but thinking back, fuckin’ hilarious. Moll…

Lexie just trust me would you, let’s make some food and then we will talk and I can explain everything, all right? she said then started to walk back into the kitchen.

Fine, but do me a favor? I asked.

Anything, she replied.

"Do not call me Alexia again," I said, my voice firm.

*     *     *

Lexie, without getting mad and freaking out, what do you think of the house? Mollie asked as I walked back into the kitchen.

After making Finn one of his favorite breakfasts, chocolate chip banana pancakes, I turned the television on, playing one of the Spider-Man movies Mollie bought him before going back into the kitchen.

Mollie— I sighed.

Lexie, what do you think?

It’s… nice, who wouldn’t like it. It has a fireplace and a gorgeous bay window, two things I’ve always wanted in a house. Are you going to explain to me what is going on and why you went and bought all that stuff when you know that the time will come to leave and we won’t be able to take some of it with us?

Actually that’s where you’re wrong babe, she smiled nervously.

I’m sorry, come again? I asked slightly taken aback.

Mollie stayed silent for a moment, hopping up onto the kitchen counter and crossing her ankles as they dangled in the air.

Lexie… this place, this town, it’s… it’s it. I see us here for a while honey. Everything in me is telling me this is where we are going to call… she looked at me before whispering, home.

Home—a four-letter word that held so much meaning. The three of us hadn’t had a home in eight months, but really, Finn and I hadn’t had a home—ever. We had a house, but it was never a home where we were safe or felt safe. So, hearing Mollie say it and believing we were here was shocking and I didn’t know what to say.

Mollie… you know what that would mean to me… to have… you know. But this has been our life for the last eight months now. Every place is the same, we get there and leave before Dex gets wind and finds. Then it starts all over again.

I know Lexie, believe me, I know. But… umm… there was just something about this place. When I first found the ad and saw the pictures, there was something inside me telling me we had to come here. We had to have this house. I can’t explain it any other way. Her eyes never left mine; there was hope and something else I couldn’t quite put my finger on, almost like she was nervous about something.

Molls what aren’t you telling me? I asked, eyeing her carefully, knowing there was more to her story than just a feeling.

Mollie pulled her lip between her teeth as she played with her hands in