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Funny But Risqué Too
Funny But Risqué Too
Funny But Risqué Too
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Funny But Risqué Too

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The humour found in Funny But Risqué Too is for adult readers without firebrand religious, political or racial views who appreciate off colour or slightly smutty humour. The jokes range from pure fiction to borderline fact and no nationality, group, gender or profession is excluded when an opportunity to poke fun at its members is presented. If you don't have a sense of humour you should not read his book.
The jokes, etc., are gathered loosely under subject headings so that it is easy to select a joke for a particular occasion. All the books in the series are designed for easy reading in cramped spaces on trains, planes and buses; not to mention that most private of places where you may find the time to enjoy a good joke. All the jokes, tales and anecdotes found in Funny But Risqué Too have been carefully selected for their funniness and not for materiel of a slightly salacious or gratuitous nature that may appear in some of them.
I hope that you have as much fun reading this book as I have had compiling it. When you have finished it pass it on to someone who may need cheering up or keep it and add other books in the series to form a unique collection.

LanguageEnglish
Release dateApr 30, 2013
ISBN9781301990191
Funny But Risqué Too
Author

Christopher Bruce

Chris Bruce was born in England and educated in South Africa. After a long career in the construction industry in South Africa, Namibia, Hong Kong and the Philippines, Chris moved to Thailand in 2001. He built and equipped a sausage factory in Bangkok which was operated by his wife. Not being Thai, unable to speak the language, no longer a part of the construction “EXPAT NETWORK” due to the slump in the Asian construction industry, it was not long before he became somewhat bored with life. One way to alleviate the boredom was to write. Chris decided to use his knowledge of the sausage industry to write a book of sausage recipes. This was followed by a book of recipes for preparing meals using sausage and a book of liqueur making methods and recipes. After completing the three recipe books he encouraged friends from around the world to send him jokes and cartoons by email. This series of TAKE ME TO THE TOILET BOOKS (VOLS I to VII) is the result of the huge response he got. Chris makes no claim to have dreamt up the jokes, anecdotes and other amusing facts or stories featured in these volumes and in fact it is impossible, with very few exceptions, to say where the jokes originated. Two Thai cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen provided the illustrations. One thing Chris did realize was that people do not have much time to read a little humour and the “Thunderbox”, as it used to be called, is the ideal place to do so. The internet, the source of much modern humor, is not normally accessible during visits to this most private of places and it is hoped that these “TOILET COMPANIONS” will add amusement to the otherwise idle moments spent in the “BOX”.

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    Book preview

    Funny But Risqué Too - Christopher Bruce

    FUNNY BUT RISQUÉ TOO

    2nd Edition

    By

    Christopher James Bruce

    SMASHWORDS EDITION

    * * * * *

    PUBLISHED BY:

    Christopher James Bruce on Smashwords

    Funny But Risqué Too Copyright © 2012 by Christopher James Bruce

    WARNING

    THIS BOOK IS FOR ADULT READERS WITHOUT FIREBRAND RELIGIOUS, POLITICAL, RACIAL OR SOCIAL VIEWS BUT WHO DO APPRECIATE SLIGHTLY OFF COLOR OR SMUTTY HUMOR.

    KEEP IN TOUCH WITH TOILET TALES

    So, Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

    When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?

    You forward cartoons and jokes.

    When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact.

    You forward cartoons and jokes.

    When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how.

    You forward cartoons and jokes.

    And to let you know that you are still remembered, still important, still loved, still cared for, guess what you get?

    A forwarded cartoon or joke.

    So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded cartoon or joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

    Have a great day.

    Author Unknown.

    FOREWORD

    This collection of jokes and cartoons has been compiled with a view to providing readers with a modicum of amusement during those sometimes not so quiet moments in the toilet, wc, loo, lav, lavatory, gents, ladies or thunder box as it was sometimes called in the good old days.

    The jokes have been sent to me by friends from around the world and my sole function has been to edit them. Many of the jokes have been around for decades and tend to reappear in one or another revamped form on the internet and in magazines and newspapers from time to time. Wherever a joke, usually a one liner, is known to have been told by a particular person the joke is attributed to that person but in most instances this is not the case.

    Most of the illustrations found in Funny but Risqué Too are by cartoonists Kitti Meeboonnum and Wirat Sukcharoen. I have tried to contact the owners of the remainder or of other material used in this book and have in some, but not all, cases obtained permission from the person concerned to use them. If you are someone from whom permission to use material has not been acknowledged please accept my apologies and contact me at chrisbruce41@gmail.com in order that the necessary permission may be formalized.

    To those of you purchasing this collection I trust that you will take it

    with you to one of the few places in the world, sometimes known as the Thunderbox, where it is not commonplace to be able to take your computer even if it is a laptop, and wish you many hours of amusement in that most private of places.

    Chris Bruce, Bangkok, 2004.

    CHAPTER 1

    MEDICINE AT ITS BEST

    Viagra Date.

    A guy walked into a pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, Listen, I’m having three girls over tonight. I've never had three girls at once before and I need something to keep me horny to keep me potent. The pharmacist reached under the counter, unlocked the bottom drawer and took out a small cardboard box marked with a label which read Viagra Extra Strength and said, Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours. The guy said, Gimme three boxes. The next day the guy walked into the same pharmacy, limped up to the pharmacist and pulled down his pants. The pharmacist looked in horror as he noticed the man's penis was black and blue with skin is hanging off it in some places. The man said, Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat. The pharmacist replied in horror, You can't put Deep Heat on that! The man replied, No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up, just give me some burn lotion for my penis.

    Aids or Alzheimers?

    Mr. Jones goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him, I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Jones were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's but frankly, either way it is bad or terrible! What do you mean? said Mr. Jones. Well, one Mrs. Jones has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Jones has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which one is your wife’s. That's terrible! said Mr. Jones. Can we do the test over? Normally yes but you have National Health Care and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once. Well, what am I supposed to do now? said Mr. Jones. Well, the Ministry of Health recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.

    Catch 22.

    Currently, there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. So, by 2030 there should be a large, elderly population with perky breasts, superb erections and no recollection of what to do with them.

    Sponge Bath.

    A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private area and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she’s touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma. The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they’ll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks, so he finally agrees and goes into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor shows a flat-line, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there pulling up his pants and says, I think she choked.

    Special Administration Region Sickness (SARS).

    A man suspected of SARS was lying in bed with a mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appeared to sponge his face and hands. Nurse, he mumbled from behind the mask, Are my testicles black? Embarrassed the young nurse replied, I don't know Sir, I'm only here to wash your face and hands. He struggled again to ask, Nurse, are my testicles black? Again the nurse replies, I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands. The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. Nurse, he mumbled, Are my testicles black? Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, Nothing wrong with your testicles! At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again, I SAID! Are my test results back?

    Nackered.

    Doc, says Steve, I want to be castrated. What on earth for? asks the doctor in amazement. It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done, replies Steve. But have you thought it through properly? asks the doctor, It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever! I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor. Well, okay, says the doctor reluctantly, But it's against my better judgment! So Steve has his operation. The next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. Hi there, says Steve, It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me. Well, says the patient, I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised. Steve stares at him in horror and screams, Oh Shit! THAT'S the word!"

    Generic Viagra.

    In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is

    acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxcillin, Advil is ibuprofen, etc. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and has announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and of course ibepokin.

    Arkansas Vasectomy.

    After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was quite expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, hold the can up put up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest fella in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. Trust me, said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can, held the can up to his ear and began to count. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting 6, 7, 8, 9, 10", on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, parts of Southern Illinois, Newfoundland and Greater China!

    Spaghetti Trouble.

    A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. But how will I let you know the baby is born? she asked. He replied, Just send me a postcard and write spaghetti on the back. I'll take care of expenses. Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a

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