Undertakers, Who'd Have 'em?

INTRODUCTION

It seems to me that the majority of us in this present life, have either been to a funeral, or have had experiences of being on the receiving end of the sort of wit that (albeit Black Humour) leaves nothing to the imagination, when it comes to the burial.

There have, of course, been some horrendous stories that actually are quite funny, as long as the participants have not been involved personally, or they have not caused any personal distress. This book will reveal all. The names - as it were - have been changed to protect the innocent (or oblivious) to these misdemeanours.It is hoped, that apart from looking on the Black side, that someone will actually see the funny side to these stories.

Although most undertakers are well established in their somewhat gruesome trade, there have been the strange element that advertise in the local papers. This book undoubtedly, will allay all fears, or perpetrate them, in order to prevent people from choosing a less well known undertaker, whether it be for cheaper burials and lack of finance, or for a lavish funeral. (Complete with all the housemaids and servants alike!) Credits, -where credits are due- will appear at the end of this book. At the time of writing, it is envisaged that no particular undertaker will put their names to any of these stories, or wrongdoings (committed knowingly or unknowingly) in this particular section of the book.

All of these stories have been told to me in the sincerest confidence and have not been embellished with anything more than the truth! The stories are told ‘As Is’ meaning they are as they were recorded on the tapes. If you detect anything more than a sense of the macabre, you would probably be right.

For those of you on your own ego trip, saying After I'm Gone, what else will happen? please read on!

I doubt that after reading this book, that you will not really want to be buried, and study cryogenics instead. After all, do we really want to pass on to another world without really leaving this one unannounced?

All the names of the people submitting their stories, are published at the back of this book. Those who wished to remain anonymous, either their initials are printed or not, whichever is to their preference. All documentation has been signed by the originators of these stories and there is no reason to doubt the sincerity of their stories. I have personally been told most of these stories, and many a happy hour has been spent down at some of the meeting places that I have had to go to in the course of writing this book. (Most of them involving a couple of half shandies as I had to do a lot of driving!) I think my tape recorder went through about ten batteries and about five tapes getting all the research for this book. I also made quite a lot of new friends as I went to some of the local watering holes to learn of the disasters in churches, graveyards and viewings. I hope that this book gives you more pleasure in reading it as it did myself whilst compiling it, having spent an enormous amount of time at the computer keyboard typing all the information in. I really would have liked to dictate it, but I couldn't afford a secretary.

Some of you will find some of the material in this book, offensive in some cases, to say the least, but it has been included for originality. I have left out the major swear words and put in a mild expletive instead.

Here then, beginneth the beginnings of the ends!

Chapter 1

Right Time, Wrong Place, Wrong Funeral

Due to recent innovations in the sphere of radio communications, this particular fleet of hearses were fitted with two-way radios to enhance the image of this particular undertaker and to get messages to all staff concerned, to make possible the speedy despatch of the drivers to other locations. The time of the burial was at eleven o' clock. The hearse duly rolled up outside the church at 1057, just in time for one of the pallbearers to notice that the coffin bore the name of the deceased that was to be buried at another church.

Meanwhile, the coffin in the other hearse, at the other church, was being lifted out and prepared for the pallbearers to carry it into the church. As is the norm in these cases, the coffin is carried in front of the mourners who wished to pay their respects as it passed them by on the way into the church.

A voice crackled over the radio. The driver answered the call. The voice on the other end cried urgently Get that bloody stiff back into the hearse and take it to the other church....You've got the wrong body! The message was heard at the other funeral as well as in front of all the mourners! The driver dived into the front of the cab to turn the radio down. Too late, the vicar, still in one of the rooms at the back of the church was about to put on all his vestments.

The driver of the hearse and one of the pallbearers, ran to the back of the church and into the room where the vicar was about to change. Whilst the driver engaged the vicar in conversation, the pallbearer sneaked out with the vicar's cassock and ran to the hearse. At this time, both hearses set off to go to the right churches with the right deceased. Speed was of the essence. The two drivers arranged to meet halfway, to give each other directions and to pass on the vicar's cassock to the other driver. This would help the delay in returning it to the frantic vicar who did not have another cassock. Speeds of up to 65 M.P.H. were reached to minimise the waiting time for the mourners at the funeral and of course the vicar. At that time, the vicar did not have a cassock, a body to bury and was none the wiser until after the ceremony.

Chapter 2

Right Place, Right Time, Wrong Name!

The Ceremony was about to begin. The place was a Well known Roman Catholic church in the Manchester area, and the choirboy was lighting all the candles. All the mourners filed into the church and filled up the vacant pews. The coffin was already resting on the ornate trestles that were specially made for this task and the priest walked up to the altar, made the various signs of the cross and faced the mourners in the church, The priest droned on about death for about five minutes to the inattentive audience. He was coming up to the big finale speech and said, It is with sorrow, that we are here today to inter one of our most beloved into the earth, Albert Braithwaite.

At the mention of that name, all the heads of the mourners and relatives of the dear departed, snapped up and gave the priest a very questioning look. They had all come to bury their beloved Aunt Ethel who was of course a very respected member of the community, not Albert Braithwaite! One of the relatives dashed up to the vicar and tried to have a quiet word in his ear. He was promptly told to sit down by the priest who was well into the rest of his oratory about poor old Albert.

After two attempts by one of the relatives, to frantically try to catch the priest's attention, he succeeded, only to be whisked away by the priest into the vestry where he demanded an explanation. Two minutes later, a very embarrassed relative and Priest emerged from the vestry. The relative sat in his original place and the shame-faced priest carried on. It is here today, that we are all gathered to inter the body into the earth, one of our most beloved community, Ethel ******** The rest of the sermon went on as normal and

The interment went further without hitches.

Chapter 3

Right Place, Right Viewing, Wrong Showman!

Ken ******** was an undertaker and a very good one. He came from a small Lancashire town. His accent, and strong dialect, gave him away as soon as he opened his mouth to speak. He had very nice funeral parlour, and was very proud of the way he had built up the business over the past ten years. Ken and his employees worked on a duty rota system after normal working hours, so that any relatives of the deceased may view the body at any time during the small hours, in the chapel of rest.

It was Ken's turn on the rota. This particular night, they had a deceased in for viewing.

At about 1030 at night, there was a ring on the bell to the chapel of rest. Ken got up from his armchair and put his sombre black coat on. After all, nobody comes voluntarily to a chapel of rest unless they have vested interest in doing so.

A small handful of visitors came into the reception part of the building and asked to see their dear departed. Reet Lass, Come into 't chapel an' I'll show 'er t' thee They all walked through into the chapel with a slightly shocked and dazed expression on their faces at this strange Lancashire man. They were just about to enter the chapel of rest when Ken said, in his own inimitable voice Hast tha' all seen a dead body afore? Most of the people said that they hadn't. In a loud voice, again in a broad Lancashire accent, Ken said It's alreet tha knows, it's not gonna get up and speak to thee, there's now't to be scared of tha' knows, she'll look as pretty as when tha last knew her tha' knows, Oh aye, she'll be reet!

With that last statement, he led them into the Chapel of Rest and lined them up at the side of the coffin. Now there's now't to worry about, don't worry about her, she won't get up and speak to any o' thee, just look at 't coffin, in't it nice eh? just look at t'workmanship that's gone into this eh? just look at them brass 'andles. Real solid brass, that! Tha' don't get 'em like that in some o' 'tothers tha knows, come on, park the sel's at the front of 't coffin and watch what I do

With the greatest of flair and ceremony, he stood behind the coffin and proceeded to put his hands over the coffin, ready to open the coffin. Reet, canst tha' all see now, eh? A few startled looks from the very captive and amazed audience ensued. Reet, tha' s all waited long enough, let's 'ave a look eh?

In one of the finest showman's' voices, very becoming of the circus ringmaster, he rose to his full height - 5'4 and shouted, Right, Ladieeeeees an' Gennelmen, let's open the box eh? Yes....Let's open the box!

With that, he opened the coffin with great showmanship (one that Paul Daniels would have been proud of) and acclaimed to the audience and all the rest of the world There, in't she lookin' nice eh? see, I told thee that she wouldn't get up and talk to thee didn't I, eh? Don't she look a picture eh? A'll bet she's as nice now as what she were in real life eh? Look at 'er, See? What did I tell thee, just like she were!

After they had been in there for approximately half an hour, he exclaimed, "Reet Ladies and Gentlemen, tha's 'ad long enough now, I'll show thee the way out eh? but not the way out that She's goin' though eh? Don't tha' think she looks reet nice eh? If one of tha snuffs it in't near future, tha knows where to come eh? I don't think they