Getting Through Grief

Getting Through Grief

By Christine McArthur

Published by Christine McArthur at Smashwords, June 2013

Edited by Jilly McArthur

First Edition

www.gettingthroughgrief.com

Copyright June 2013 Christine McArthur

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

Testimonials

Acknowledgements

Book Orders

How to Get the Best Out of this Book

Chapter 1 - First Steps: Making it Through the Early Stages

Eating, Sleeping, Work and Activities, Health, Dealing with Other People, Support, Taking Care of Yourself While Grieving, Summary

Chapter 2 - Feelings You May Experience

Shock and Disbelief, Sensitivity, Mood Swings, Panic and Anxiety, Confusion, Guilt, Regret, Anger, Frustration, Relief, Loneliness, Jealousy or Envy, Pride, Gratitude, Peace, Love, Determination

Chapter 3 - Understanding the Process

How Long Does it Take? Coming to Terms with New Realities

Chapter 4 - Comments from the Horse’s Mouth

Typical Comments from Grieving People

Chapter 5 - Death of a Partner

Feelings and Experiences You May Encounter

Chapter 6 - Death of a Child

Healing the Heartbreak, Parents Relationship, Neonatal Deaths, Stillbirths and Miscarriages

Chapter 7 - Death of a Parent

Death of an Elderly Parent, Independent Elderly Parents, Frail Elderly Parents, Death of a Young Parent, Death of a Parent with Young Children, Children’s Grief, Being There For Your Children, You Matter Too

Chapter 8 - Grieving Children

For Children to Read

Chapter 9 - Headline and Sudden Deaths

Headline Deaths, No Goodbyes, Being There, Disasters

Chapter 10 - Suicide

Why? What’s Left Behind? Effect on Relationships

Chapter 11 - Counseling and Depression

Depression, Helpful Suggestions, Getting Support, About Counseling

Chapter 12 - Funerals, Burials and Cremation

Forms and Certificates, Funerals, Embalming, Burial and Cremation, Answering Messages of Condolence and Acknowledgements

Chapter 13 - Legalities, Wills and Family Dynamics

Legal Duties after the Death of Someone Close, Family Dynamics

Chapter 14 - Life after Death & Spiritual Support

A Message From Beyond, Believers and Nonbelievers, Spiritual Support

Chapter 15 - Death of a Pet

Coping with the Death of a Pet.

Chapter 16 - When You Have Been a Carer

Feelings That Can Arise for Carers, The Red Flags of Burnout, Some Causes of Burnout, Looking after Yourself When You’re Under Stress or Pressure

Chapter 17 - Planning Ahead

Practicalities, Planning for Retirement

Chapter 18 - How to Offer Support

Being There, Helpful Tips for Listening, Dos and Don’ts When Offering Support.

Chapter 19 - Inspirational Quotes and Poems

About the Author

Testimonials

Mr. Denis Hazlett, Ohoka, Canterbury.

I found this book had the practical guidelines I needed, which helped me feel normal at a time when I required assistance. I have referred the book to a number of friends who have lost their spouse or a family member, and in each case they have found comfort in Christine's thoughtful and common sense approach. It has been comforting to know that we are not alone as we come to terms with our grief.

Mr. John Webb, Northwood, Canterbury.

The author has a wealth of experience from many years of helping people who are suffering from grief. Following the recent death of my wife, Christine has called to see me – to listen, talk, and assist - a lady who understands and has compassion. I recommend anyone who has lost a loved one, or has a grieving friend should read this book. It will help.

Esther Vallance, Christchurch.

Clinical/Professional Supervisor; Nursing and Workplace Educator; Career Mentor; Study Coach.

Christine helped me immeasurably during the first months of grief after the loss of my husband to cancer. I could tell Christine things I told no one else. She understood fully. Her wealth of experience, her encouragement to begin the next chapter of my life, and her validation of my feelings helped me through. Thank you so much Christine.

Brenda Morgan, Christchurch.

A well written and thoughtful book giving insight into dealing with all the various aspects concerning grief through the loss of a loved one.

Beverley Austin. Christchurch.

For a number of years I was a Funeral Director, and after reading Christine’s book found it very helpful in being able to recognize various aspects of grief. A number of the grieving families told me this was the most helpful book they had read on grief, which in itself I feel is a very good recommendation.

Back to Top

Acknowledgements

My heartfelt thanks to Jilly for editing this book. Without her understanding and expertise it would not have been printed. My thanks to Cathie for her advice and formatting, and the e-book version. Also to Graeme and Heather for their support.

Back to Top

Book Orders

Getting Through Grief is also available as a paperback edition which can be purchased through Christine's website:

www.gettingthroughgrief.com

or write to:

Christine McArthur

P.O. Box 43002

Darfield

Canterbury

New Zealand

Back to Top

How to get the best out of this book

You will almost certainly experience grief at some point in your life. Grief is painful but there are options, answers and practical advice to help ease the load and get you through to face the future with hope. The aim of this book is to help you to realize that you’re a normal person feeling your way along an unknown path and that there is a way forward. Grief can make it hard to concentrate, so it’s written in a way that’s easy to take in when you’re stressed and tired. Just use what you find helpful as a tool at your disposal.

~ You can keep it as a handy reference wherever suits you; bedside, bag, workplace, or car, for reassurance and comfort you can turn to day by day.

~ You don’t need to read it in any particular order. Dip into it as you want or feel the need to and use it how it works for you.

~ You’ll find that some comments and advice are repeated in different chapters. This is to help you get the information you need quickly and easily without having to read the book right through.

~ Reread sections as you like. The parts you skipped at first may become relevant later and you’ll be able to see that you’re building on what you’ve already achieved.

Wishing you comfort and hope

Back to Top

Chapter 1 - First Steps: Making it Through the Early Stages

During the months after the death of someone close you’ll find yourself vulnerable, fragile, and easily moved to tears. You may be very sensitive and easily offended. You might feel as though you have cotton wool in your head, and that your mind is in a fog. You may find it hard to trust your own judgment. Are you doing the right thing, or should you follow the advice that people are offering? In the first few months you tend to spend half the time telling yourself to try harder and not be so miserable, and the other half thinking you shouldn’t feel this good, and wondering what normal mourning is supposed to be like. Here are some common experiences you are likely to encounter during your first year of grieving, and some suggestions on how to take care of yourself as you proceed along the journey.

~ You may feel an empty space, a void, and an ache that goes on and on, a constant knot in your stomach, a pain in your chest, or feel churned up inside.

~ You may have sudden attacks of panic. This is part of the flight or fight reaction your system puts into place when under stress. It seems to have a mind of its own.

~ You head for the phone to pass on some news you’ve just heard or to have a chat, and stop midway. They won’t be there.

~ You might see a shape, hear a voice, or sense a warm comforting presence.

~ You may feel forsaken, left behind, abandoned. Whether your person was a family member or friend, when you don’t have them to share life with and to tell them how it is, you feel the loneliness of your situation.

~ It can be difficult to focus and think clearly. You have to be careful with your driving, turning off switches on the stove, checking that you have your keys, purse or wallet. It can be hard to remember where you’ve placed items, or what you were going to do next. There are some measures you can take to avoid frustration: Place keys, a pen, purse, or wallet; anything that you use often, on a tray in a handy place so that they are all together. Put everything that needs attending to into three piles. Anything that can wait for a few weeks can be put aside in a box or on a tray. You don’t even need to look at it again in the meantime. Anything that needs to be dealt with next week goes into another pile, and whatever has to be done now goes together in the immediate pile. This pile can include your shopping list, urgent bills, and a note of what you intend to do tomorrow. Even if you don’t stick to it, at least you have a starting point for beginning a new day.

~ You’re quite likely to have flashbacks where you’ll suddenly see a picture of something connected with your person that happened in the past and it can be a horrible experience. It could be seeing your person lying in bed very ill. It may be the scene of the accident, or some other event that flashes in to your mind. Your thoughts leap to the picture with no conscious warning at all. Unfortunately it’s often something you don’t want to keep seeing but is there before you know it. I kept having flashbacks of my Mother lying helplessly in bed looking tiny and wasted just before she died. She’d had a large stroke and couldn’t speak or swallow. One technique that can help reduce unpleasant flashbacks is to replace them with a strong positive memory, so as soon as I saw that scene, I pictured Mum hurrying to open the gate for us with her arms held out to my little girls. If you use the same picture each time it happens, it grows stronger and gradually the flashbacks settle down.

~ You might feel envious of others who, unthinking, take their relationships for granted, and feel irritated and exasperated with these people, sometimes because they are pointlessly arguing, and sometimes because they are enjoying life together and your person is no more. Either experience can cause you to feel very alone.

~ When you grieve, you grieve for your own loss. But you also sometimes grieve for the lost chances for your loved one. They will not see the grandchildren, the next family wedding, take the trip overseas, or do the things you intended to do together. If your loved person is your child, the missed opportunities and experiences for your son or daughter, whatever their age, will be a major part of your grief, because they have also been cheated.

~ You may wonder at times, ‘What’s the point?’ You find it hard to take much interest in anything, and you have no motivation.

~ Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and holidays can be really hard to face and weather through. Often the day itself is not as bad as the time leading up to it. The first time you face these significant days is usually the hardest; once you’ve made it through that initial time, you know that you can manage, and feel more confident for the next time because of your achievement.

~ You might change – becoming more resilient, more assertive, and in the end a stronger character able to face decision making on your own because you’ve only had yourself to consult. Or you may become quieter, and more isolated, giving in to situations rather than fighting back.

~ Men seem to be more inclined to feel their pain down through their arms, and want to do something physical; get down to some manual work, go for a run or a bike ride, build something, or hit a punch bag. Women often feel their pain in their chest and the pit of their stomach, like an empty aching hole. Like all general statements, this is not always the case, but there are often some differences in the way men and women react to grief.

~ Remember you are not your neighbor, your family member or your friend. It’s not usually helpful to compare yourself, or to be compared with other people. You may not do things the way they did. You might not feel all the things they felt but that’s okay. Each individual is unique, and there’s a wide range of normal. You’re allowed to be different and are still quite normal just being how you are. You can be quite firm in stating this to yourself or other people because your way of grieving will be the best way for you.

~ Some days are harder than others; if you feel helpless and without hope, hold on. The next day can be different and you will come to