The Man Rules

The Man Rules

John Puckett

Published by John Puckett at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 John Puckett

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return toSmashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

The Man Rules - Table of Contents

Introduction

What is a Man?

The Top Two Rules

1. Have a lot of money.

2. Get abs.

2.b. Be funny.

Dealing with Women

W-3. Always stand when a woman leaves or arrives at the table.

W-4. Learn how to fake caring.

W-5. Never try to win an argument with your wife or girlfriend.

W-6. Spray perfume on your crotch.

W-7. Don’t ruffle a woman’s feathers when she’s nesting.

W-8. Don’t try to make a woman happy.

W-9. Do household chores perfectly.

W-10. Understand the woman’s point of view.

W-11. Don’t try to be manly.

Personal Appearance

12. Pull up your pants.

13. Don’t take longer than one minute to brush your hair.

14. Don’t wear a goatee or a van Dyke unless you’re a supervillain.

15. Nobody is fooled any more by the comb-over.

16. Don’t wear a Bluetooth headset.

17. Take it easy on the cologne.

18. Frown a lot.

19. Don’t wear big belt buckles (unless you’re a cowboy).

20. No tattoos.

21. No piercings.

22. Be tall.

23. Don’t wear baseball caps backwards.

At the Gym

24. Keep at least one showerhead between you in the showers.

25. Use the white non-slip powder sparingly.

26. Grunt a lot.

27. Don’t overdo it.

General Rules

28. Be good at sex.

29. Be friends with a plumber, an electrician, and a mechanic.

30. Ignore facts that contradict your point.

31. Don’t look at porn.

32. Don’t play computer games.

33. Take naps.

34. Work outside the home.

Sports

35. Don’t depend on the ESPN information crawl to provide the sports news you want.

36. Don’t call in to sports-talk radio shows.

37. Never swear when you’re at the game.

On the Road

38. Don’t be too polite when you drive.

39. Drive a manly vehicle.

40. Don’t act like you own the road.

41. Listen to manly music while driving.

42. Don’t pick your nose while driving.

43. Learn to give proper directions.

44. Remain calm in a driving emergency.

Food and Drink

45. Don’t eat tomatoes.

46. Drink coffee, not a made-up drink with ccino in the name.

47. Know how to grill.

48. Don’t get drunk.

Children: Yours and Otherwise

49. Never babysit, not even your own children.

50. Never try to talk to a child under the age of 10.

Conclusion

Introduction

Congratulations! You’re reading the only e-book ever written that outlines the 50 simple and easy-to-follow rules that will guide you on your quest to Be a Man. Sure, other lists and guidelines have been created on this topic before, but they didn’t have the one key aspect, the amazingly crucial element this e-book does: It makes money for me.

In addition, this e-book will be read only by Men. Too often, Men have tried to codify their guidelines for proper behavior, only to have women get hold of these logical and perfectly reasonable guidelines and make fun of them and pretend they’re wrong. (Who in the world told you a waffle iron is an appropriate Christmas gift?) To avoid this type of ridicule and derision, I’ve made arrangements with the people who run the Internet to ensure no woman can ever buy a copy of this e-book. Plus, teams of trained ninjas have fanned out over the globe to monitor all copies of the e-book that are sold. If a Man carelessly leaves this book open on his tablet or smartphone and a woman picks it up, the ninjas will swoop in, use the Vulcan nerve pinch to temporarily and painlessly knock her out, and then replace The Man Rules file with another e-book, such as The Help or a copy of the Bible. This may seem extreme, but it’s important to ensure the vital secrets contained in this book will remain amongst just us Men. I shudder to think of the damage that could be caused if women read this book and learned our innermost secrets, such as what we’re really thinking about when they ask us and we say Nothing. (You and I both know we're actually thinking about sex, but they don't need to know that.)

You may be saying to yourself, Wow, John must really carry a lot of weight with the people who run the Internet, if he got them to agree to all that! While it’s true that they recognized the inherent genius in this book, and wanted to do whatever they could to make me happy, they did draw the line at some of my requests. I wanted the title of this book to be #1 International Bestseller! in an effort to increase sales, but they turned me down on that one. It broke some sort of publishing requirement, or something. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, so I quit listening.

I also wanted them to mail $100 to every guy who bought this book as a token of my appreciation, but they balked at that as well. Go figure. So instead, they agreed to pick 100 buyers at random and mail them each $500. I’d suggest buying several copies of this book to increase your odds of winning!

Return to the Table of Contents

What Is A Man?

Before we get into the Rules to follow to become a Man, we need to define our terms. What, exactly, is a Man? I think you’d agree with me that the dictionary definition, a grown human male, doesn’t cover it. A Man is much more than that. Let’s look at some examples of grown human males:

Richard Simmons

Liberace

Starfleet Officer Pavel Chekov

Kim Il-Jong

James Bond (as played by Roger Moore)

Robert Pattinson

Curly

So, clearly, just being a grown human male doesn’t qualify you for Man status. None of these guys are what springs to mind when the topic of Men come up; in fact, some of them are even dead! By contrast, let’s look at some famous examples of Men:

Bruce Wayne

James Bond (as played by Sean Connery and Daniel Craig)

Chuck Norris

Captain James T. Kirk

Dick Butkus

Moe

The Hero of the Beach guy in the ads at the back of old comic books who worked out, got muscles and then knocked out the sand-kicking bully with one punch while his girlfriend looked at him adoringly

What do these Men have that the other guys don’t? They understand and live by the Rules. That’s what this book is for – it will help you learn the Rules that, if properly followed, will move you from the general, run-of-the-mill guy grouping to the rarified, hard-to-attain status of Man.

So why do we need the Rules in the first place? Historically, there’s been a tremendous amount of confusion over just what it takes to be a Man. Around 45 B.C., the Roman philosopher Cicero wrote A man’s chief quality is courage, which is okay, but it doesn’t take into account other key attributes of Manliness, such as batting average with runners in scoring position. In 1963, Frankie Valli attempted to cut through the clutter by recording his hit song Walk Like a Man. Unfortunately, he sang it in a falsetto voice which made him sound like a woman, so the confusion continued. It didn’t help that the famous drag queen Divine recorded a cover of the song for his/her album Maid in England in 1985. You can’t begin to imagine the problems THAT caused.

All of which brings us to today, and my reason for writing this book. Once and for all, Men-in-training will have a single source for the 50 main Rules to follow to become an honest-to-God Man. In many instances, these Rules are supplemented by actual Case Studies, drawn from the real-life experiences of Men like myself, to help you understand, interpret and properly apply the Rules. No need to thank me; the fact that you purchased this book is thanks enough. Or you can just send me money and not purchase the book. It’s up to you, as long as I get your money.

But wait! you say. How do I know this book will be effective? Before I spend my hard-earned money, how do I know the book contains the actual, honest-to-God Rules I need to follow to become a Man?

Fair question, and let me answer it with an answer. Stop and think for a moment about Superman. He’s a man, right? I mean, it says so right in his name. But did you realize that before Superman was Superman, he was Superboy? It’s true – he had all sorts of adventures, and even his own comic book, as Superboy. So at what point did SuperBOY become SuperMAN? When did that transition occur? He’s always been stronger than everybody else, he’s always had super-powers, he’s always been a hero, so how did he make the jump to Man?

Take a look at this historical photo and I think you’ll have the answer to your question:

(Judging by his expression, I’m guessing Superman is reading the One Key Technique to Ultimate Sexual Satisfaction.)

That’s right – this book was the defining moment that changed Superboy to Superman. I don’t want to brag, here, but come on – if even SUPERMAN reads this book to learn how to be a Man, it must be pretty darn good, right?

I hope your worries about spending your hard-earned money have been laid to rest. The retail site you’re visiting at the moment takes PayPal and major credit cards. Some might take a check, if you look trustworthy enough. And if they won't, I certainly will.

As you read this book, you may come to realize you’re breaking a number of the Rules. Please understand this is not an indictment of you personally. I didn’t write this book in an effort to make you feel bad, and if you insist on ignoring the Rules and living your life as a weenie rather than a real Man, it’s not my fault. If you feel insulted in any way, and have an urge to confront me physically about your inability to follow these simple Rules, I will be happy to discuss your shortcomings at a time and place of your choosing. Don’t bother searching for John Puckett, because that’s just my pen name; my real name is Ultimate Fighting Championship Heavyweight Champion Cain Velasquez.

Let’s begin our journey, shall we?

Return to the Table of Contents

The Top Two Rules

I know what you’re thinking: John, are you really going to reveal the Top Two Rules for Being a Man right here at the beginning of the book? Aren’t you going to hide them somewhere deep in the text, like on page 459, so that we have to read the whole thing to learn these important truisms?

No. For one thing, Men don’t want to waste time – they want to get right down to the heart of the matter as soon as possible. For another thing, I seriously doubt I can find the time to write 459 pages for this book. The dirty laundry crammed in my hamper isn’t going to wash itself.

So here they are. And don’t underestimate the value of these Rules.

Man Rule 1: Have a Lot of Money.

This rule so important that you can skip the rest of the book if you follow it. (Although, if you do skip the rest of the book, be sure to store it carefully, in a secret place, so a woman can’t find it. Remember: ninjas.) Being rich automatically confers Manhood upon you, so if you’re already rich, congratulations! You’re a Man!

How rich is rich? you ask. How much money do I have to have to be rich? While standards of wealth vary from country to country, I would conservatively estimate that you’d need at least one hundred kajillion dollars. Your goal should be to emulate the character of Granny in the 1953 Merrie Melodies cartoon Hare Trimmed, wherein Granny throws bundles of money onto the fire in her parlor to keep warm.

But John, you may say, some of those examples of grown human males you listed before were rich, and they’re not Men. True enough, and we’ll cover that in a later Rule: Ignore Facts that Contradict Your Point.

Okay, you may say, but I’m not rich. How can I become rich? To which I say, You’re starting to annoy me with all these questions. Next you’ll want to have a long talk about where our relationship is going.

However, I can understand your frustration – I tell you the one best thing to do to become a Man, and you don’t see a way to accomplish it. Therefore, I’ve listed below a few simple jobs you can undertake to become rich quickly.

Famous Movie Star

Famous movie stars, like George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Kermit the Frog, routinely make upwards of $10 million per movie. Now I know $10 million doesn’t go as far as it used to, but if you make six or seven movies and are careful, you can live off that for the rest of your life.

Jack Nicholson may have set the record for the most money made on a single movie, when way back in 1989 he negotiated a percentage of the profits of the first Batman movie as part of his salary. After all the money from ticket sales, movie rentals, popcorn sales, and action-figure sales was totaled up, it topped more than $2 billion, and Jack thought he would take home around $60 million. Due to studio accounting practices, though, he actually wound up owing the producers $34.97. He’s still bitter about it, so don’t bring it up the next time you’re around him.

Millionaire Playboy

In some respects, being a millionaire playboy is even better than being a famous movie star, because famous movie stars still have to work to earn their money. This work consists of flying to someplace like France or the Bahamas for six weeks and filming a movie with beautiful and famous actresses, so it’s not like they’re being punished. However, they do still have to show up on time and spend upwards of twelve hours a day with these beautiful and sometimes naked women to earn their $10 million, so you can understand why they occasionally overdose on drugs or alcohol to get away from the intense stress and pressure of their lives.

Millionaire playboys, by contrast, don’t face the same issues as famous movie stars. The best way to become a millionaire playboy is to inherit a lot of money with no strings attached. In some cases, though, when you inherit the money you also inherit the business that made the money in the first place, and that may mean you have to go into an office every day and do actual work with spreadsheets and meetings and whatnot. This will significantly cut into the playboy aspect of the millionaire playboy job description, so my advice would be to sell the business as soon as possible to someone with a lot of money, such as Microsoft or Jack Nicholson.

The one drawback to being a millionaire playboy is the possibility that you’ll have to become