A Duffer's Observations and Short Stories

A DUFFER’S OBSERVATIONS AND SHORT STORIES

By Don Kross

Copyright 2013 Don Kross

Smashwords Edition

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Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

A BIRD’S EYE VIEW OF GOLF

ACTUAL PLAY

HOMER – THE BEST GOLFER IN THE WORLD

OLD MENS' GOLF

IVAN DOPPLEFUGGER AND THE LEPRECHAUN

WHY I WATCH GOLF ON TV

SCOTT SPENCEMAN–LONG BALL DRIVER

PROS AND LOW HANDICAP GOLFERS

BROTHER SEBASTIAN

MORE GOLF TALK

THE IMMORTAL GOLFER

GOLF COURSE DESIGN – A DUFFER'S DELIGHT

THE GREENWAY GOLF COURSE CURSE

PRACTICE AND THE DRIVING RANGE

BAD LUCK CHARLIE

A ROUND OF GOLF AT A 9 HOLE COURSE

MY SISTER RITA

A FEW MORE WORDS ABOUT THIS GAME OF GOLF

THE ROBOT CADDY

THE GREEN PEOPLE AND GOLF

CONCLUSION

INTRODUCTION

Because I've played a miserable 10 holes, I hate golf. I’m on the Eleventh hole, a short par three. I hit the ball, and it's going toward the pin. It's a hole in one! I love golf. Those words sum up the love-hate relationship I have with the game of golf.

One winter day while playing golf at a course in Lake Havasu, Arizona, I met a fellow who was not playing golf as he walked through the course. When I asked him why he wasn’t playing golf, he replied. Why spoil a good walk chasing a stupid white ball with a ridiculous club? I believe he had a point.

If you're looking for advice on how to improve your game, this book doesn't do it. It contains absolutely no advice on how to better hit a tee shot, fairway shot, chip, pitch and putt. This book is actually a random disjointed collection of my thoughts about the game. It's about my opinions and observations about the game of golf including short stories with a golf theme.

OBJECT OF THE GAME AND OBSERVATIONS

I've heard or read somewhere that Winston Churchill tried the game of golf once and became so frustrated with the game that he gave it up. Instead, he took up painting scenery for a hobby. At times, the way I play the game, I probably should give it up. But, painting scenery just doesn't appeal to me.

Is golf a metaphor of life? If it is, I haven't grasped the meaning. Maybe, my golf game is like life. Occasionally, I'll hit a good tee shot, fairway wood, or iron, and make an unbelievable putt. This is followed by the mediocre shots, the poor shots and the very bad shots, which is sort of like life–you have to take the good with the bad.

I'm one of those individuals who is athletically impaired. As a kid attending a parochial school in Wisconsin, I was usually the last kid to be picked by my classmates for the noon recess baseball game. I'll sort of clumsy, not the most graceful person in the world. This could be one reason why I'm a 36-handicap golfer. I would assume most good athletes, including good golfers, have the natural ability, coordination and timing to succeed in their particular sport, which separates them from the rest of us.

What is this fascination about golf? I can understand the fascination for someone who plays to a low handicap. Maybe, I should be in an institution the way I play the game. You have to be an optimist. Tomorrow is going to be better. Unfortunately, when tomorrow comes, it’s the same old story.

When asked what my handicap is and how many times a week I play, I avoid the question. I mumble that I have a high handicap and play a few times a week. I’d rather not talk about my handicap or the number of times I play a week. I would think that a person, who plays golf two to three times a week, should have at least a 28-handicap. Even after playing the game for several years, I still have a 36-handicap. My handicap could even be higher, but the 36-handicap is the maximum allowed by the USGA for tournament play.

The object of the game is rather simple. You hit the little ball in a relatively straight line, from the tee box to a spot on the fairway and then into the little hole in the green. You should do this with the least number of strokes, avoiding trees, bunkers, water and other obstacles.

I'd love to play boring golf by hitting the ball a fair distance straight down the middle of the fairway. This would be followed by placing the ball on the green relatively close to the pin and two putt.

Occasionally, I get excited after hitting the ball with some accuracy and a fair amount of distance. Tomorrow, I'm going to go out and achieve a score below a 100. Unfortunately, the next day I’m back in the same old rut and can't figure out what is wrong-it’s frustrating.

During late fall or winter, I'll play mulligan golf. If the tee shot is really bad, I'll take it over. Also, I'll improve the lie of the ball, and move the ball from under a tree or other obstacle. Regardless of this, I still can't hit a score of 100 or lower.

Anyway enough of that, this first short story is for the birds–no, I mean about some birds and their view of golf.

***

A BIRD’S EYE VIEW OF GOLF

Bill, a sparrow, along with other sparrows sat on a fence observing the activities of human beings in an area of short grass–referred to as a golf course by human beings. Another sparrow, Tony, next to Bill, alighted on the fence. Bill turned his head toward Tony and started a conversation.

Chirp, chirp . . . Tony, said Bill. I haven't seen you for some time. What have you been doing?

Oh, I've started a family with my mate, Flower Bell, answered Tony. I wanted to get away for a moment to sit here with you and observe the activities of the humans in the grassy area before us.

Tony paused for a moment and then continued with the conversation. I'm sure human beings communicate with one another by the different sounds they make. I don't understand what they are saying, and do you think they have any idea of what we’re saying?

Bill responded, I agree with you about the way human beings communicate with one another. They make many unique and sometimes loud sounds here in the grassy area.

Bill became distracted by the human activity in front of him. It's fascinating watching the humans with the funny sticks hit and chase the funny eggs down the grassy area. I wonder what the object of this human activity is anyway. Do you have any idea, Tony?

Tony answered Bill's question. I don't have any idea what the human activity is all about. Furthermore, I doubt if those objects are eggs. They look awful tough to be eggs. Even if it is not an egg, I suppose we can refer to it as an egg. Look at that male human hit that so-called egg. If one of our eggs were hit like that, it would splatter all over the place.

Bill responded, I suppose you’re right about those so-called eggs not being real eggs. Ah, here come two more human beings walking down the grassy area. One of them must be a male and the other must be a female.

How do you know what sex a human being is? Tony asks.

Bill answered Tony's question, Well, I've observed that some human beings are usually larger, stronger and some have facial hair. I assume that these human beings are the male of the species. The other human beings usually have more hair on top of their heads. They also have two protrusions on the upper part of their bodies. I assume that these human beings are the females.

Tony commented, I suppose that makes sense. Look, the female human can really hit the egg with the funny stick.

The male human hits his egg and it goes to the left in the direction of the fence. Bill, Tony and the rest of the sparrows fly off the fence when they see the egg coming toward them. It misses them. As soon as the male human hits the egg where it lies, the sparrows flew back to the fence. Bill and Tony settle down on another spot and once more observe the activities of the human beings in the grassy area.

Bill noticed that there were humans coming down the grassy area in some sort of contraption. Tony, do you know what that thing or contraption (golf cart), which the humans are riding in?

Tony responded to Bill's question. I don't know what that contraption is. I notice that humans use all sorts of different contraptions to ride around in. Look at the field over there with the hard black surface and the white lines on it. Notice, the many different contraptions parked on that black surface. It appears to me that a contraption cannot move until a human being enters it and does something to it.

At that moment, a contraption (golf cart) stopped in front of the sparrows, and a large overweight male human exited from the contraption. Bill commented, Look at the big male human getting out of the contraption. His female companion is staying in the contraption. She has hit her egg with the funny looking stick. Now, the big male human is getting a stick out of a bag. Why do they have so many of those funny sticks? Something else, notice that brown tube or whatever it is smoking in the male human's mouth.

Bill becomes fascinated with the large male human's clothing. In some ways, the male human looks ridiculous. The covering on the upper part of his body has a loud bright pattern. Also, his legs are not fully covered.

Bill paused for a moment, and then continued with his observation. The big male human is now going through some weird motions with his stick. I've noticed other humans doing something similar. I think he is ready to hit the egg.

The big male human swung at the egg with his funny looking stick, with the egg only going a short distance along with a big clump of grass and soil. Then the male human started to hit the ground with his stick, he hollered a loud terrible sound and then noticed the sparrows sitting on the fence.

As Tony watched the scene, the