From Shyness, Love Shyness and Approach Anxiety to Boldness: Approach, Open and Touch Any Woman

Title page

From Shyness, Love Shyness and Approach Anxiety to Boldness: Approach, Open and Touch Any Woman

By Delvensoft

Copyright

Copyright © 2013 Delvensoft

Smashwords Edition

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Table of Contents

Title page

Copyright

Table of Contents

Shyness

Kinds of shyness

Love shyness

Causes of shyness

Characteristics of a Shy Man

A shy man’s pattern

Attitude and behavior of the love-shy

Personality and the looks of the love shy

Compulsive staring and following woman

Love shy people and their resemblance to criminals, alcoholics and women

Love shy men do not like the company of the men

Love shyness Questionnaire

Love shy men fill up dating sites

How shyness affect people's lives?

Differences between a love shy person and the naturally confident one

Understanding the group active in a typical love shy man

Romantic rejection

Treatment or how to overcome shyness

Excuses for not approaching or opening a woman

Prayer

Know your current behavior

Low self-esteem (LSE)

Eye contact (EC) management

Talk at sight

New rules

Maladies of a phone call

Being physical

Shyness

The word 'shyness’ is related to the word ‘shame’. The tendency to be shy is due to the fear of being laughed at by others. The shy person’s fear of shame encourages shyness as a safe life style. Shyness is familiar to parents in one or two of their children. Shy children hide themselves when visitors or guests or strangers enter into their house. Shy children do not socialize easily. They take time and warm up with delay to socialize. They are uncomfortable, fell awkward in the presence of unknown people or strangers. They are uncomfortable or avoid approaching or being approached by others. Shyness is lacking social self-confidence. Shyness is largely about what other people will think of your behavior, causing the person not doing or saying what he or she wants to, due to the fear of negative reactions, criticism, or rejection by others; so you simply avoid such anxiety producing social situations. Shyness is a learned fear of social judgment.

The term shyness may be used for a related and partly overlapping characteristics, including social timidity (apprehension in meeting new people), approach anxiety (reluctance to go near a person and initiate a conversation or open the other), social diffidence (reluctance in asserting oneself, or avoiding to engage in argument, countering the others’ statements, passive listening despite having no interest and not in agreement with what the other is saying), social apprehension and anticipation (general fear of potential interaction, so avoids any possibility of interaction with a person or a social situation), and low social self-confidence, etc.

To be shy is to have difficulty to approach or posing difficulty to others to approach you. It is due to social timidity, social diffidence, social incompetence, social inhibition, lack of social self-confidence, low self-esteem, lacking social skills, introverted personality, caution or distrust of people, etc. Shyness inhibits the shy person’s social functioning, making it difficult or impossible to say what he thinks or to do what he likes to do. A shy person is usually introverted (more reserved and less outspoken in groups), preoccupied with his own subjective world, lives within his mind, fancying, thinking, imagining, planning, rehearsing, sitting and staring but never doing, talking, acting or performing. The shy man knows what is to be done and how it is done but he would not do. Shy people feel secure through shyness because they know that they will not be considered obnoxious, overaggressive, or pretentious by people, due to their soft spoken, mild manners and unimposing personality. Similarly, the shy person finds it easy to avoid interpersonal conflicts and also may be valued as a good listener. Being shy provides protection by its anonymity, low profile and low key.

Shyness stops you from doing what you want to do. Shyness stops you from enjoying things or doing them easily. Shyness can be so bad that shy people cannot enjoy being with people or speaking in front of them. They avoid social situations. Shyness adversely affects the way you think about yourself and also how people perceive you. Shyness may be perceived as rudeness by others. Shyness is thought as coldness. Shy people are especially shy with people like strangers, authorities who wield power, and members of the opposite sex who represent potential intimate encounters.

Shy people are perceived negatively, by people who value sociability, because of the way they act towards others. Shy individuals are often disconnected from others in their vicinity whether in the work place or in any other social environs, distant during conversations, causing poor impressions of them on others. When an attempt to get them out of their shell by others is made it may actually make a shy person feel worse, as it makes them more self-conscious, embarrassing and uncomfortable, causing them to think there is something wrong with themselves.

Shyness, introversion, selective mutism and Asperger syndrome

Both shyness and introversion might appear as unsociability and overlap in many aspects. However, introversion is choice. Shyness is such the shy person likes to be sociable and loves to interact with people. But somehow despite himself he finds himself not interacting with people, not approaching and talking to people whom he finds attractive and involuntarily finds himself avoiding (or moving away soon or feels relieved if the attractive other moves away soon) from the possible social interaction. Introversion leads to decreased exposure to unfamiliar social situations and shyness causes a lack of or avoidance of response in such situations, suggesting that shyness and unsociability affect two different aspects of sociability.

Selective mutism is a psychiatric disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech is unable to speak in given situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety. In fact, the majority of children diagnosed with selective mutism also have social anxiety disorder. Some researchers therefore speculate that selective mutism may be an avoidance strategy used by persons with social anxiety in order to reduce their distress in social situations. A child with selective mutism may be completely silent at school for years but speak quite freely or even excessively at home. Some people participate in social activities and appear social but don't speak, others will speak only to some but not to others, others will speak when asked questions, and still others speak to no one.

In Asperger’s syndrome, quickly moving and changing body language clues are not perceived, interpreted and acted upon. A shy guy has partial characteristics of Asperger as well. Body language is so subtle. It is very quick like a flash. It happens for and within a split second. Within that split second one must cash upon on it through lightning responses like by addressing and talking to her, perceiving the micro-signals of the split second from the moment to moment reality of the present. In reality, the shy man is not able to sense the micro-signals of the women who is passing by looking at him with interest when he looks at her. Here the love shyness has parallels with certain symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome. Social cues and signals in real time are not perceived and processed adequately by the (love) shy man. This inadequacy often makes him a poor communicator or even might bring undesired incidents in his life. For example, a love shy man (here part of Asperger symptom come into play) is incapable of perceiving the woman’s lack of interest until it is shown in some very gross manner. The love shy also is incapable of perceiving the signs of interest by the woman unless they are shown to him very grossly as in a theater which dramatizes every expression of the character. It is also true that a typical love shy man almost always chooses only such woman who has no interest in any social interaction or in him.

Shy people show a theoretical understanding of other people's emotions; however, they have difficulty acting on or applying this knowledge in fluid, real-life situations. People with shyness analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid guidelines, and apply these rules in socially awkward ways, such as forced eye contact, that appears rigid or socially uncouth. The desire of shy people for companionship become numbed by the history of failed social encounters. This characteristic is the main cause behind not much improvement despite the shy person is having all the know-how about social skills including the PUA material. Nothing much improves on the social interaction front. Individuals with shyness fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation or not.

Like the people with avoidant personality disorder, shy people may often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Childhood emotional neglect by parents and teachers, or care takers and rejection and bullying by the peer group are both associated with an increased risk for the development of shyness.

Shyness makes it difficult to meet new people, make friends, or enjoy social experiences.

Shyness prevents you from speaking up for your rights and expressing your own opinions and values.

Shyness limits positive evaluations by others of your personal strengths.

It encourages self-consciousness and an excessive preoccupation with your own reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and experiences.

Shyness makes it hard to think clearly and communicate effectively.

Negative feelings like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, low social self-confidence, approach anxiety and loneliness typically accompany shyness.

Shyness is an unwillingness to speak unless prodded, a disposition to remain silent, an inclination not to speak freely. Students after learning social skills or PUA skills became even more anxious. Perhaps they no longer had their old excuses for not approaching and opening attractive women, but they still felt uncomfortable relating to others. They had learned the how of communication, but still needed work on the what and why. They had all the knowledge of the art of conversations and art of making friends and art of approaching and a stock of openers yet they have not actually approached and opened attractive women they liked to approach and talk.

Shyness shows itself as sweating, blushing, belief that one may be judged negatively or looking for signs of disapproval or / and avoiding a social situation. The essence of shyness is expecting negative evaluation by others. Shyness occurs when there is motivation to make a desired impression along with doubt about having the ability to do so. The shy man likes to be social and talkative. But he fails to be so. Often the behavioral expression of shyness and dislike are similar which sends wrong message and causes misunderstanding in others. The shy person although likes someone, social interaction or nearness and physical expressions, however, he or she behaves and sends signals that prevent, deny and block the very person or interaction or gratification he or she likes to have. Shyness makes it difficult to meet new people, make friends, or enjoy potentially good experiences. Shy people resolve this dilemma of developing new relationships by doing nothing. They choose the security of isolation over the risk of being rejected.

For example, most people do not talk to the boss, they move away in respect and politeness. They lack social confidence to converse with the boss. The same applies with women. Most men will not talk to women. They move away from women without talking or avoid talking. In both the cases one thing is common. It is higher than thou. These men have placed the boss or the women on higher pedestal then themselves which prevents them to interact with the perceived higher being. It is their own making. Another kind is if the boss or the woman talks to them first, then they will talk. In this case, it is reverse placement. They have placed themselves on higher pedestal than the boss and / or the woman. Since they are higher than thee, they cannot speak to the boss or the woman. Both ways, no speaking occurs. Waiting for the other to talk first, talking only when the other talks first, will bring the opportunities to zero. One has no control over the opportunity. One cannot exploit a given opportunity. In simple terms, one must talk first to whether a boss or a woman. This brings more fun, result, interaction and opportunity.

Love shyness as a disorder establishes itself strongly in a person. It exists as a life time script for many decades. Sitting and staring but never talking to women are shaped into women watching. The shy person turns away from the social joys into the isolation of a loner.

Shyness causes the shy guy to receive incorrect negative evaluations by others. The shy man is unjustly seen by them as unfriendly or snobbish or weak. Shyness inhibits the capacity to think clearly and to communicate effectively with others. Shyness and low self-esteem go together. When shyness is high, self-esteem is low and when self-esteem is high, shyness disappears. The thoughts and strengths of shy people are limited to a small circle of people; they are limited by their own thoughts and emotions.

According to Dr. Jonathan Cheek, Underemployment, being stuck in a job that requires less skill or training than you possess, uneasy work relationships and slower advancement mark the careers of shy people. He also points out that the more shy a person is, the less prestigious his last job title tends to be. Almost every lucrative career requires solid communication skills, an assertive personality, and an astute sense of office politics." To succeed in business and in interpersonal relationships, you must be able to speak with others. Some shy people are good at certain things but are failures at certain other things. Different situations require different behavior; thus making shyness situation-specific. The shy person lives in social isolation or loneliness, due to not getting social interaction from the people of his choice, and in trying to avoid rejection and pain, he makes a prison for himself and erects a wall between himself and others. Love shy men are too shy to assert themselves with or socialize with women on an informal basis. The consequences of the shyness impact upon personal life style, employment, interaction with friends and kin.

Shy man’s speech or actions (or lack of them) are misunderstood, misinterpreted and misread by others. Fear and anxiety prevent the shy person from taking the actions or behavior that are in accordance with his or her values, wishes, desires, knowledge and rational judgment. In other words, shyness inhibits people from the responsibility for their behavior. It makes them feel that they are not in control of their own lives and destinies. Shy people disclaim responsibility for their inaction and for their apparently (to others) unfriendly and detached attitude. Shy peoples' fear of rejection prevents them from taking social risks and from developing necessary social initiative. This leads to increased shyness, social incompetence, social withdrawal, and low social self-confidence. Shyness can be easily defined as shrinking from self-assertion. Shyness is social self-consciousness. Intractable shyness is behavioral inhibition.

On the positive side, many shy people have: Above-average intelligence, perception, or inquisitiveness, creativity and a love for art or music, empathy and sensitivity to others' thoughts and feelings, a strong sense of right and wrong.

Kinds of shyness

There are various kinds of shyness. From mild form of shyness to stronger forms like social anxiety or social phobia. These stronger forms are not in the scope of our present book. It can be general shyness or it can be specific shyness. Specific in the sense, although a person is self-confident and functionally adequate in other areas, he is shy in a specific area like approaching and talking to women, or talking on a stage, public speaking, or talking to his superiors, or a particular person, etc. The shy person is averse in encountering or having to do with some specified person or thing or situation.

Shyness has different degrees and shows itself in different areas. Shyness may manifest when one is in the company of certain people and completely disappear when with others— one may be outgoing with friends and family, but experience love-shyness toward potential partners or anyone one finds attractive.

The problem of shyness is not merely lacking communication skills, but involves, more fundamentally, a distorted perception of what human relationships are all about. Expectation of what might be gained is outweighed by anticipation of what could be lost by getting involved. Love shyness is a subset within the set of shyness. The present work is mainly dealing with this love shyness as its central theme.

Love shyness

Love-shyness is a specific type of sometimes severe chronic shyness that impairs or prevents intimate relationships. It implies a degree of inhibition and reticence with potential partners that may be sufficiently severe to preclude participation in courtship, marriage and family roles. According to this definition, love-shy people may find it difficult if not impossible to be assertive in informal situations involving potential romantic or sexual partners. For example, a love-shy man may in some cases have trouble initiating conversations with women because of strong feelings of social anxiety. (Source: Wikipedia).

Men differ in their intensity of need for intimacy from a woman and for love and how strongly they desire emotionally meaningful relationship with a woman. A person who is deprived but who does not feel deprived has no problem. Deprivation of women’s company and social interaction is not the factor for understanding love-shyness. It is how a person feels about such deprivation that matters. It is matter of common sense that the only people preoccupied with love relationships are those without any such relationships.

Regularly and serially from few minutes to few months frequency, the love-shy man is deeply in love (unrequited or unknown to the woman) with some woman. These fantasies of love fill up most of the time and drain the psycho-emotional energy of a love shy man. Gilmartin in his book says From the time of their kindergarten or first grade year until the time when they reached their early thirties or beyond, most of the love-shys devote a great deal of their time to day-dreaming about some specific female with whom they were too shy to even think about making any real contact. Subsequent to the age of 32 or 33, the amount and frequency of these romantic fantasies tended to drop off a bit. But even the love-shys in their 40s still experienced occasional very strong infatuations.

For example, sales career require individuals who are sociable, socially self-confident, high on interpersonal skills, with positive mental attitude and unusually insensitive to interpersonal anxiety. These same qualities also are functionally competent in getting and winning over women. Successful sales people as well as a successful PUA all have unusually high anxiety thresholds. Social stimuli do not cause anxiety in them. In contrast, love-shy men have very low anxiety threshold. The love-shy men do not have the charm, polish and skills