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    Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor
    Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor
    Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor
    Ebook113 pages1 hour

    Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor

    By William Whitehead

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    About this ebook

    This book is a collection of true stories giving a glimpse into the strange and wonderful life of a small church pastor. In it you will find the good, the bad and the really, really ugly. With back stabbing parishioners, visits to Nursing Homes that belong in the third world, constant pressure to put more bodies in the pews and dollars in the plate, local churches stealing parishioners from each other, ministers whose egos are as wide as an ocean, as well as ministers who get fired for nothing and then run from organized religion as fast as they can, you’ll find that ministry is not what you thought it was.

    I hope that my stories will make you laugh, and also give you a glimpse of the incredible stress small church ministers experience. I also hope that you will understand despite the challenges why so many of us live a truly wonderful life. Oh, and don’t let me forget the guy who spent time in the slammer for manslaughter that I had to kick out of the church (that’s a fun story). God bless you, Pastor Bill.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherWilliam Whitehead
    Release dateNov 8, 2013
    ISBN9781310722523
    Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor
    Author

    William Whitehead

    The Very Right Reverend William E. Whitehead (aka Pastor Bill) was born and raised in Rahway NJ. He obtained a bachelor’s degree at Berklee College of Music and a Master’s of Divinity at New Brunswick Theological Seminary. Pastor Bill is currently the pastor of First Baptist Church of Rahway and he is an ordained minister with American Baptist Churches USA. He very wisely married Betsy and together they have raised three wonderful children.

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      Book preview

      Don't Hurt Me, I'm a Pastor - William Whitehead

      Don’t Hurt Me, I’m a Pastor

      What Life is Really Like in the Ministry

      By William Whitehead

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright © 2013 William Whitehead

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy.

      Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      I wouldn’t have written this book without the support of my wife and my kids.

      I love them very much.

      They have put up with an awful lot over the years.

      Table of Contents

      Prelude

      Chapter 1 – Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow

      Visitor Card Mayhem

      The Pastor Entrepreneur

      Make a Sale Everyday

      Distended Ego in the Pulpit

      The Big Show

      Ministry is Personal

      A Call from God

      Chapter 2 – Praise God All Creatures Here Below

      Little Drummer Boy Blues

      I Don’t Have to Make Everyone Happy

      Are Pastor’s Allowed to Get Angry?

      Heretics in the Attic

      Power without Cost

      How to Throw a Guy Out of the Church - Without Getting Killed

      Them Down and Dirty Nursing Home Blues

      Chapter 3 – Praise God Above Ye Heavenly Hosts

      Thou Shalt Not Steal Church Members

      Grow or Die for Jesus

      Desperate for Success

      Mega Church Envy

      Cold Hard Cash, the Bane of My Existence

      A Divorce a Day

      Praise the Lord, Fire the Pastor

      Time to Leave

      Chapter 4 – Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost

      The Bankruptcy of Prosperity

      Blessings Instead of Growth

      Thank God for Loving People

      Now I Am at Peace

      What Religion Is and Isn’t

      The Nail

      Postlude

      Prelude

      How could I have been such a putz?

      When I entered Seminary I was convinced that with God’s help and support, I would be so successful at preaching and teaching the gospel that armies of people would flock to my banner. My church was going to have six standing room only services every weekend. I was going to change the world.

      What a schlemiel.

      I figured my future was secure. I had it all planned out. I would start in a small struggling church, get it to grow and become that guy everyone wants to talk to. I would be invited to conferences so I could share to the world the wondrous story of how Jesus and I did it. I envisioned writing a book on how Jesus and I brought the good news to an extraordinary number of people in a small part of the world. I hoped to teach in a Seminary how Jesus and I made miracles happen. I had big plans in Seminary. I had big dreams.

      What a Schmuck.

      God knew all about my plans. God knew my dreams. God knows everything. And God laughed at me. Yes, I absolutely believe that. God has a great sense of humor and God looked down from that heavenly throne upon this wide eyed neophyte and God laughed. I know this, because my hopes and dreams got flushed down the toilet pretty quickly. And when I wasn’t crying, I was laughing because some of the stuff that happened to me was pretty funny. And I was such a schmuck I deserved to be laughed at. Of course, some of the people around me were schmuck’s too. And that turned out to be not so funny.

      Anyway, twenty years later and I’m still a pastor. I love being a pastor. I love the people I am privileged to minister to. I wouldn’t want to do anything else. Maybe if I could see into the future when I was in Seminary, I would have done a few things differently. But I would still be a pastor. I just wish I didn’t have to deal with so much schmuckyness.

      I wrote this book so that you can experience some of that schmuckyness, and find out what life is really like behind the pulpit.

      Chapter 1 – Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow

      Visitor Card Mayhem

      Everyone has a thing, a compulsion, or an irresistible urge. I knew a pastor once who would go out at least once a week and sweep the sidewalk in front of his church. He felt that the outside of the church should look immaculate and he did whatever was necessary to make that happen. My thing is the Sanctuary, and I work hard to make that look good.

      I am the pastor of a small church. And I wear many hats in my pastoral role, including sprucing up the sanctuary. I pick up the bulletins left on the seats and stuffed into the hymnals. I also make sure there are visitor cards in the pew racks. I’ve become really sensitive over the years to the strange things that befall my visitor cards. Some are doodled upon, usually by young and aspiring Michelangelo’s. Some are stuffed into the racks so deep that I need to employ a letter opener to pry them out. And some are turned into flying objects that are strewn about the floor. Visitor cards are important and they need to be defended.

      The strangest assault on my visitor cards was done by an older couple who sat in the same seats in the back of the church. Every week the cards were drawn upon, torn up, ripped into shreds, and otherwise assailed until there was nothing left for a poor pastor to salvage. And this was done not by ten year olds, but by people on Social Security. Every week I was tempted to get up, hands flailing and shout into the sanctuary; I know what you are doing! You two, third pew from the back on the right side. Repent ye sinners and stop molesting my visitor cards or fire will pour down from the heavens and consume you.

      I just don’t understand people. Do you want someone to come into your home and throw your visitor cards around? Throw them on the floor, trample them until they are useless, and then act like everything is normal? OK so maybe I’m a little preoccupied with this, but honestly, how would you feel in my position?

      Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days you will find it again. Give portions to seven, yes to eight, for you do not know what disaster may come upon the land. Ecclesiastes 11:1-2 NIV.

      This passage means we should give generously to others. It’s similar to the concept spreading an investment around. Give generously to many people, and you will receive your reward, especially when something bad happens. If you’ve lived a generous life, people will come to your rescue. But if you live a selfish life placing yourself and your selfish desires above all else, then disaster will come with no help. We see this now with a reckless disregard for the environment.

      I have seen the same odd behavior out in the woods. I hike and backpack quite a bit. I frequently travel on the Appalachian Trail, which is like the NJ Turnpike of hiking trails. This thin ribbon of dirt and rock winding through the woods probably has the highest concentration of environmentalists per square mile on the earth. And these are the kind of environmentalists who would gladly throw themselves in front of a tractor trailer if they thought it would save a single Spotted Owl. And yet, I frequently find trash strewn about the trail. I’m sure Smoky the Bear loves to find empty Aqua Pure water bottles sitting in his backyard. It’s just so maddening.

      What is it with people and public places? Things we would never do at home, dropping trash in our garden for example, we casually do along the street. It almost seems as if we pick our moments to break free of the constraints of communal living. At home we get yelled at by our family if we do things that have a negative effect on the others. But when no one is looking, when we think we are released from the never ending responsibilities of being a good citizen, we break out and drop that empty bottle of Snapple’s Ginseng infused Green Tea on our neighbor’s lawn. Oh, the sweet taste of liberty.

      Is this the reason for the violation of my visitor cards? Are people secretly yearning to breathe free? There they quietly sit in church, no one is looking at them, no one is going to criticize them, no one is going to judge. They sit in church and sing and pray and they rip my visitor cards into tiny pieces and watch them drop onto my formerly clean floor. They do this because, well – because. But beware people; God is a God of justice as well as mercy. There will be a day of divine retribution for visitor card assailants. As the good book says; cast thy visitor cards upon the waters and they shall rise up and sweep you away like dust upon the sidewalk.

      The Pastor Entrepreneur

      I spent an hour one morning on the flat roof of the church with a can of tar searching for a hole. It wasn’t an obvious hole otherwise I would have found it the last time I was on the roof. I’ve been on this crummy roof so many times

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