Every Little Piece

Second Chance Series

Every Little Piece

Every Little Secret

Every Little Dream

All That We Have Lost

Simple reflective surfaces can be used for many complicated pursuits. Applying lipstick, checking for spinach between teeth, and spying on older brothers.

My favorite mirror sat on the nightstand next to my bed. It wasn’t your standard boring one that hung on a wall. This one tilted in a full 360-degree circle and swiveled back and forth. Lying on my bed, I could view my entire room with just slight adjustments.

One small nudge, and my perspective changed.

I usually faced it so I could see the great wall of Haley. Every happy memory covered the surface. Photos, ribbons, newspaper articles, scribbled notes, programs—my life in pieces.

One of those pieces sat sprawled on my plush pink carpet. My best friend, Brin, hunched over her knees, her long dark hair shimmering. She meticulously painted her toenails, so absorbed in the process of adding silver stripes that she didn’t hear me slide off the bed. Or tiptoe across the floor.

I popped in front of her and yelled, Boo!

She screamed and jumped back. After annoyance flashed across her face, she burst out laughing. You bitch!

I twirled my finger through the coarse black locks springing out all over my head. The wig had been part of my brother’s Halloween costume from ten years ago. Once upon a time it was in great condition but the fake hair was now matted like an old Barbie doll’s.

Seriously, Haley, we’re graduating tomorrow. It’s the biggest event of our life after birth, and you’re still acting like a three-year-old.

I pursed my lips together and fake pouted. She couldn’t help but forgive me even though she turned huffy and went back to the stripes. What could I say? I loved to see people smile, especially my friends. Maybe it came from living with an older brother who’s so damn serious all the time. It drove me nuts. Thank God he had me or his mouth would be stuck in a permanent frown.

If it weren’t for me, anyone who crossed onto our premises would have to be given a warning. Watch out—laughter not allowed. Or we’d have to plant a sign with a big X through a smiley face. My parents were as bad as my brother.

Come paint your nails, Brin said. I’ve got the perfect color blue.

I flounced to the spa set up all over my floor. Well, you know darling, I said with an English accent, I do have a reputation to maintain. I mustn’t leave the house without my nails done.

She ignored my comment and wiped a smear of silver from her big toe. I didn’t even get an eye roll. Are you still going to talk like that when you get married?

I dropped the accent. Married? Ha! Not likely.

She added black dots between the stripes, slow and careful. What about Seth?

What about him? I grabbed the blue bottle and unscrewed the cap. I waved it under my nose and breathed in the chemical smell.

You’re going to die early from chemical poisoning if you don’t lay off the fumes.

I shrugged. Can’t help it. It’s a habit. When opening a new book I always pressed my nose into the center of the pages and inhaled the smell too. Old or new, it didn’t matter.

Brin cleared her throat with purpose. You avoided the question. Seth?

I have no plans to get married right now. Even to Seth. I wiped off a bit of blue. I couldn’t stay within the lines if my life depended on it.

Seth and I had been going out since middle school. It started off slow and a bit awkward, dancing at school events with the zombie-sway back and forth while muttering mind-numbingly boring conversation. Somehow we stayed together and the awkward convos turned into a friendship that was more than dates eating pizza and making out in the car before my curfew. Of course, all those things were an important part of our relationship, but it was the tender moments, when he bared his heart, that I held onto. Even if I couldn’t pin them to a corkboard.

You know how many high school sweethearts make it? I asked.

Your relationship with Seth is not a statistic. Where’s your sense of romance? Of adventure? You’re the one who should see you two together forever.

She was right. But maybe she didn’t realize that behind my endless smiles, lay dreams and doubts. And maybe, just maybe, I was terrified that if I admitted my dreams of a future with Seth, then I’d be the fool. Because as much as I knew he loved me, he’d never talked about marriage or us being together forever.

Here. She tossed me the white. Add some polka dots or something.

Thanks. I dutifully added dots while she cranked the radio. She didn’t press me for answers. I was thankful. After a few minutes, I turned down the music. Hey, Brin, can I ask you something?

She tensed up beside me. What? Her voice was clipped and terse.

I hesitated, not wanting to bring up her dad’s passing. How’s your mom?

She didn’t say anything at first, and I didn’t take offense. If she didn’t answer I wouldn’t ask again. I always gave her a chance, because sometimes the bad stuff that we keep hidden will rise to the surface if someone shows they care.

Brin sighed. The same. It was bad the other night. Then her voice dropped to a whisper. It was their anniversary.

Oh. I didn’t know what else to say. What do you say to someone who lost both her parents all in the same year? It was two years ago. Her dad died from an accident on the job, and her mom never recovered. Though they lived in the same house, her mom was a ghost, flitting in and out of her life, sometimes angry, other times depressed. Brin cooked, cleaned, and took care of both of them.

I can’t wait to fly. Her voice was raspy with flecks of steely resignation. Away from here. Land someplace completely new where people don’t look at with me pity, where no one knows my mom is the town drunk. I’ll plaster a smile on my face and no one will know my past. And I’ll keep it like that.

I wiped a silent tear from my eye before she could see it. I held back the sniffle building in my nose and stifled the ache in my chest over her grief. I could’ve told her that true friends wanted to know everything about you: the good, the bad and the ugly. If she met a guy and fell in the forever-kind-of-love, he’d need to know about this part of her life.

Brin reached out and squeezed my hand. I smiled.

We leaned against my bed with our limbs splayed out so our nails could dry. We were content to be alone with our thoughts and look back on our life reflected on the great wall of Haley.

The front door slammed and a commotion went on downstairs. Brin and I smiled at each other.

Ready? I asked.

Brin grabbed for my wig. Take that ridiculous thing off. Then we jumped into action. She scooped the polish into her bag, leaving room on the floor. We braced ourselves for the whirlwind about to enter.

My bedroom door slammed open, and Kama bounced in. Her eyes were bright and her blonde curly hair framed her face. She swayed her hips while turning in a circle. She swung her arm in the air like a lasso. Woo hoo. Woo hoo. Time to party, sistahs!

I flashed her a smile, but it was weak.

Whoa! Kama threw up her hands, palms out. Thank God I arrived. Or you two would be digging your own graves.

Kama’s always been the dramatic one. All those play programs on my wall? Brin and I’d watched her steal the show of every drama production. Her life was set and the path was clear. She was going to be a musical theater major and head to New York. At some point in the future, I’d be seeing her on Broadway, of that, I was sure.

Seriously. Totally lame in here. She held out her hand and helped Brin stand. Let’s get outta here before I fall asleep from boredom.

I put up a meager defense. Hey, it’s only five in the afternoon. The party won’t be rolling until at least eight.

Party? She blew air through her lips. We’ll have time for that later. She pulled me up too. Tonight…we’re going on a journey.

Brin and I rolled our eyes.

Kama swiped her arm across the front of her body like she was a movie producer trying to show us the big picture. We’re going back…in time.

I groaned. Brin started to get into the whole adventure thing. In fact, she squealed. Their enthusiasm was catching and my doom and gloom mood lifted. In a few seconds, we were all jumping up and down, squeeing like schoolgirls. I had no idea what she meant by going back in time but it sounded perfect for this night.

Thank God, you arrived. Brin winked at me. Because I thought Haley here lost her spirit.

We joined hands in the middle and leaned forward so our heads were all touching.

Where we going first? I asked.

No clue, Kama whispered.

We burst out laughing. Figures. My phone buzzed from the nightstand. I pulled away first and then both Brin and Kama grabbed my arms.

No way! Kama screeched. No Seth!

I fought to get free. It could be anyone. Maybe the party was cancelled? Or moved to a different house? Or maybe it’s my brother and he’s broken down on the road somewhere. I was about to throw out about five more plausible reasons for me to answer the phone, but they let go.

Fine. Brin crossed her arms.

Kama leaned against the wall, her eyes never leaving me.

I inched toward the phone and saw Seth’s name on the small screen. Just a sec. I grabbed the phone and darted between them into the bathroom before they could wrestle the phone from my hands. I shut the door and locked it.

They banged on the door mercilessly.

Promise! I yelled. I’ll be right out! Gimme a sec.

They stopped trying to knock the door down and must’ve headed back to my room. They’d learned to share me with Seth. I glanced in the mirror and smoothed my hair as if he could see me when I lifted the phone to my ear.

Hey, there. My voice came out softer than I thought it would. I sat on the toilet lid and drew my legs up so my chin rested on my knees.

Hey, babe. Thought you could use a friend. The rich tones in his voice always got to me.

What’re you talking about? Seth understood my moods. Only he knew that I got hit with a wave of sadness the night before a big event. The night before my birthday I was at home watching movies that made me cry, eating popcorn, and drinking Dr. Pepper.

Oh, I don’t know. Thought you might want to hang out and watch a movie before the party. Or hang out in a diner and talk about all the memories over bitter coffee.

Sounds nice, I said wistfully.

But? he asked.

But you know. Kama has the next three hours planned. We’re going on some adventure into the past.

Then I must be a pit stop in there somewhere. Can we hook up later and go to the party together?

I sighed. I’ll try but I doubt it. Can I just see you at the party?

Sure thing.

Are you mad? I asked, biting my lip.

Nah, I kinda expected it. He paused but I knew he had something to add. I have plans to shoot pool with Carter and Jamie.

What? I gasped, pretending to be mad.

He laughed and my heart beat faster. His laughter was like medicine. So cliché, but it was true.

Gotcha! he said.

You jerk! But I couldn’t help but laugh back.

Someone knocked on the door. Warning me to hurry up.

I gotta go, I whispered.

Suddenly I got the intense desire to see him. To wrap him in my arms and smell his hair and the cologne he splashed on his neck. I wanted to feel his fingers play with the ends of my hair while he rubbed my back. I wanted to flop down on my bed with him and make-out for hours and then fall asleep so close that nothing could tear us apart.

Wish I could see you. My voice was shaky, the emotion having its way with me.

He heard it. I can ditch the guys and be over there in ten. You just say the word.

I paused, almost ready to take his offer. The giddiness of being with my friends had already faded within the minutes I’d been on the phone.

I heard giggling outside the door and hushed whispers. I needed my friends tonight just as much as they needed me. They were just as much a part of my high school life as Seth.

I can’t. But I’ll call if I get a chance to sneak away.

My phone is on and in my pocket. Love you, babe.

Love you, too.

I pressed End and shoved the phone in my back pocket. I stood in front of the mirror. This one had a tiny crack in the top right corner and the tiniest of slivers that stopped right in the center. Any day, any second, it could shatter into pieces on the floor. Scattered shards, Impossible to put back together. But it had been that way for years and probably would be for another twenty.

My greenish-brown eyes stared back at me, questioning. I’d promised to spend the rest of the night in full-out party mode.

This night was for me.

I shoved my phone in my back pocket. Again she chose Brin and Kama. I got it. The whole girl thing. But what about the whole boyfriend thing? Was this her way of telling me that we were a high school fling? We weren’t one of those couples who were hooked at the hips. I should like that though, right? Wasn’t that what every guy wanted?

A girlfriend who didn’t pressure him to commit more?

I lay back on my bed and slipped in my earbuds. Jamie and Carter would be here soon. I needed to kick back and relax while figuring out what to say to Haley eventually. Maybe tonight. Should we even talk about the future? Haley couldn’t seem to take anything seriously. Would I get some flip answer if I brought up next year? Or three years from now?

I’d known since I was twelve that I wanted to be with Haley forever. It started in second grade. She wore two ponytails and mismatched clothes. She was so brave and full of life. She questioned teachers, stood up to bullies, and pulled bunny ears behind the lunch ladies. Man, I fell hard.

But for the first time, I was doubting her end of it.

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out. But it wasn’t Haley. It was Carly. I ignored her. I was sure it was about the party later, asking if I was going. She’d been subtly hitting on me for months. Good thing Haley hadn’t noticed, at least I didn’t think she had. I admit. Carly was pretty hot. Curves all in the right places. An intoxicating smell. But my heart knew and only responded to Haley.

The phone buzzed again. I didn’t even look this time.

Footsteps clomped on the stairs. Jamie and Carter would burst into my room in about one second. The door flew open and banged against my wall. A photo of Haley and I dropped to the floor.

Watch it! I pulled out the buds and hung up the photo again.

Sorry, man. Jamie flopped on the bed. As usual, his red hair stuck up in the front. Freckles smattered his nose and cheeks. We ready for a night of booze and girls?

I held back a retort. They were constantly trying to get me to party more, to get drunk more often, to get my mind off Haley. I’d go with them. I’d party. But my heart wouldn’t be in it. What I loved was hanging out at the pool hall. I wasn’t the big party kind of guy.

Carter leaned against the wall and dug his hands into his pockets. His dark brown hair shaded his eyes. We were the same height and teachers often confused us from the back. What’re we going to do before the party? Where can we drink?

Is that all you think about? I threw a stuffed pig at him that Haley got for me.

He smirked. Well, no. There’s always fantasizing about Carly. Then his eyes gazed off.

Dude! Save it for another time.

He fake-coughed. What? She’s hot.

Jamie laughed.

I’ve got an idea. I grabbed my jacket.

What? They both asked.

Pool.

They groaned. Seriously? Jamie asked. Can we get any lamer?

It was Haley’s influence. She celebrated after a big event, not the night before. Almost as if she was holding her breath to make sure she made it through the day. When the big day was over, she’d breathe a sigh of relief and loosen up, ready to party a little bit. Maybe she’d rubbed off on me.

We graduate tomorrow. How many times have we played pool there over the years? I asked.

Fine, fine. I’ll play. Jamie stood. Let’s get going so I can kick your ass.

Carter started to whine but I shut him up with a punch to the arm. Don’t worry, you’ll have plenty time to hang with the girls later. I was joking. None of us were really chick magnets. Carter had been crushing on Haley’s best friend, Brin, for the last year. He’d just been too chicken shit to make a move.

We gathered our stuff and I grabbed some cash from my sock drawer. My parents were in the living room in some deep discussion, and at first, they barely noticed me. When I was half way out the door, Dad called me back. Normally I’d leave my friends in the front hall, but Dad sounded serious.

Know what, I said to Jamie, go on down to the hall and grab a table. I’ll drive over when I’m done. I nodded toward the living room.