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    L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies
    L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies
    L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies
    Ebook119 pages1 hour

    L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies

    By Jacob Love

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    About this ebook

    In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little green church at the corner of Wilson and Elm...

    So begins each story of the misadventures of the congregation, clergy, and staff of a small town church. “L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies” tells tales of three senior women – curmudgeonly Henrietta Miggins, stately Betsy Davis, and put-upon Celia Simmons – known around the church as the Little Old Ladies... though you probably don’t want to call them that to their faces!

    The short stories in this collection tell of the time Henrietta volunteered for the role of greeter one Sunday – with a bit of unsolicited advice for all who entered – and the attempts of a con man to fleece the congregation... though he may have gotten more than he bargained for with the little old ladies. There’s a story about the church’s one-and-only attempt to host a bingo night. And you’ll hear about the day Betsy first came to the little church, and the battle of wills that emerged when she sat in Henrietta’s usual seat. But the two women were destined to become fast friends, bonding as they torture the poor waiter at their weekly tea with Celia.

    No matter what religion or denomination you are, if you attend a place of worship, you undoubtedly know a group of women like the Little Old Ladies!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSEE EWE Publishing
    Release dateDec 11, 2013
    ISBN9781311353337
    L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies

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      Book preview

      L.O.L. - Jacob Love

      L.O.L.: Little Old Ladies

      Tales from the Little Green Church

      By Jacob Love

      Copyright 2011, 2016 by Douglas J. Eboch

      Smashwords Edition

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      The stories in this book were originally published online on the Little Church blog between 2007 and 2011. They have been revised for this book.

      This is the second edition of this book.

      In Memory of

      Norma Vilee

      who was never a little old lady

      Contents

      Introduction

      Acknowledgements

      The Intruder

      Katie’s Accident

      101 Degrees

      Save the Prayer Gazebo

      The Greeter

      Tea Time

      Photo Directory

      75

      Trustees

      Spider

      The Investment

      Drinking Water

      The Great Bingo Controversy

      Movie Night

      O’Donnell’s Dream

      Best Annual Meeting Ever

      Baked Goods

      Water Balloons

      About the Author

      Introduction

      Two events inspired the Little Green Church Stories series. First, I was appointed to the Staff-Parish Relations Committee of my own church. Second, a close friend began dating a clergy person. Through these two windows I was able to see the inner workings of churches and the lives of pastors outside of the pulpit. I witnessed or heard many things that made me think, That would be a funny story!

      So I began writing short stories about a little church and the quirky people who are involved with it. Though the church, town, and characters are all fictional, I never seemed to lack for real life inspiration for stories.

      I was determined that these not be heavy handed religious stories. I wanted to talk about the regular people who go to church and the ordinary foibles and conflicts they have. I wanted the tales to be enjoyable regardless of the reader’s religious affiliation or the regularity of their church attendance. If there were any spiritual lessons to be learned, they would come through humor and entertainment.

      This book collects many of the stories featuring the Little Old Ladies – curmudgeonly Henrietta Miggins, stately Betsy Davis, and put-upon Celia Simmons – as they fight to preserve tradition with an arched eyebrow and cutting quip.

      I hope you enjoy it!

      Top

      Acknowledgements

      I would like to thank Dr. Joey McDonald and Rev. Janelle Vaughan, two pastors who have helped me with this project through the years. I would also like to thank all of the people from First United Methodist Church of North Hollywood. They are too numerous to mention individually, however I would like to single out one: Norma Villee was a huge fan and supporter of the Little Church Stories from the beginning. She’s since passed away and I will miss her greatly.

      I want to acknowledge the people who have kept me involved with church at times when I maybe wasn’t so keen on it. Nez Smith was instrumental in welcoming me to FUMC North Hollywood. And I know I gave the leader of my youth group in high school, Ann Lockhart, a lot of trouble and I’m grateful she kept after me. And of course I must thank my parents for raising me in the church.

      I also need to thank all those who encouraged and supported me in my writing career. My parents again deserve credit for raising me to believe I could do anything I set my mind to and then backing me no matter what I chose. I also owe a great debt to all my teachers – writing and otherwise.

      Thank you!

      Top

      The Intruder

      In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little green church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Seventy-four-year-old Henrietta Miggins had been a member of the congregation for seventy-four years. And ever since the current sanctuary was built in 1957, she’s sat in the same place: tenth pew back on the left side near the center aisle. Which is the same place she’d sat in the previous sanctuary. Last, Sunday, however, she did not sit in that spot.

      That’s because when she strode up the center aisle precisely five minutes before the service was scheduled to begin, she discovered someone else was seated there. That someone was a trim woman of about Henrietta’s age, well dressed in a floral dress with matching hat and shoes and a string of pearls. Henrietta didn’t recognize her. And if Henrietta didn’t recognize her, that meant she must be a newcomer.

      Henrietta stared at the woman. The woman looked straight ahead, apparently unaware of Henrietta’s attention. Henrietta mulled what she might say to the woman. She finally decided it would be inappropriate for her to ask the woman to move. The head usher, Ralph Billings, ought to be the one to do that. Henrietta went to talk to Ralph.

      You have to make that woman move, Henrietta said to Ralph.

      What woman? Ralph asked.

      The one sitting in my spot.

      There are no assigned seats, Henrietta.

      But I always sit there, Henrietta protested.

      There’s space in the pews behind and in front of her, Ralph pointed out.

      Henrietta’s eyes narrowed. Ralph Billings, you know my grandfather was a founding member of this congregation. There’s a plaque on the wall outside that says so. My grandfather and his family always sat in the tenth pew back on the left. My father and his family always sat in the tenth pew back on the left. And that is where I always sit.

      She got there first, Ralph explained. There’s nothing I can do.

      Henrietta’s eyes narrowed so much Ralph wasn’t sure if they were even still open. We’ll see about that, Henrietta said.

      She marched up the right aisle of the church to where Pastor Henry O’Donnell was sitting behind the pulpit going over his sermon in his head.

      Pastor, she hissed, leaning over the rail.

      Pastor O’Donnell sighed. What do you need, Henrietta?

      You must make that woman move. She’s sitting in my spot.

      There are no assigned seats, the pastor replied.

      Henrietta launched into her recitation of the long history she and her family had had with that church, and particularly their long history with the tenth pew on the left side. Pastor O’Donnell was unmoved.

      You’ll just have to find somewhere else to sit today, he told her. Service is starting.

      Henrietta did find another place to sit. Directly in front of the intruder. Henrietta sat straight and tall. She was quite disappointed when the end of service arrived and the woman hadn’t complained once about her view being blocked.

      After the service concluded, Henrietta waited until the end of the postlude so she would have ample time to give Pastor O’Donnell a piece of her mind on the way out to coffee hour.

      As a result, by the time Henrietta entered the social hall, most everyone had already helped themselves to refreshments and was engaged in conversation. Henrietta went to get her usual piece of cinnamon coffee cake. However, the plate

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