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    Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy
    Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy
    Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy
    Ebook161 pages2 hours

    Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy

    By Ronald Mah

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    About this ebook

    "Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy." Individuals carry expectations, experiences, models, and values of variable functionality that profoundly affect intimacy and relationships. Negative experiences can become neurotic filters that alter perceptions and interpretations of others creating relationship dysfunctionality. The therapist prompts clients to recognize scripts and roles from the family-of-origin that create problems in current relationships. Incoherent versus coherent stories for self-identification, attachment, and family dynamics are shown as affecting relationship success. The therapist is directed to help clients identify and address embedded roles, models, and key cues for problems from developmental stress and cross-generational transmission: illogical values, pseudo-maturity, rigidity of roles, triangulation, implicit rules, and illogical perception. Relationship scripts need to be examined for functionality including the gallant knight-damsel in distress pairing, the fixer-project dynamic, distance-pursuer roles, and various money scripts. Illogical conclusions are examined for compelling symbolic meanings and historical logic that has become nonsensical for current relationships. Intimacy and relationship between a therapist and individual client must be a precursor to other relationships. Whether the unit of treatment is the individual, couple, or family, the therapist is guided to facilitate the person's growth or development with the requirement of another person or other persons in a reparative relationship.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherRonald Mah
    Release dateDec 28, 2013
    ISBN9781311998903
    Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy
    Author

    Ronald Mah

    Therapist, educator, author and consultant combine concepts, principles, and philosophy with practical techniques and guidelines for effective and productive results. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (licensed 1994), his experiences include:Psychotherapist: individual, child and teen, couples, and family therapy in private practice in San Leandro, California- specialties include challenging couples, difficult teenagers, Aspergers Syndrome, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, learning disabilities, cross and multi-cultural issues, foster children, child development, parenting, and personality disorders;Author: twenty-one project/books on couples therapy for a doctoral program, including substantial work on major complications in couples and couples therapy (including depression, anxiety, domestic violence, personality disorders, addiction, and affairs); articles for the Journal of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT) on working with teenagers, elder care issues affecting family dynamics, and assessing dangerous clients, online courses for the National Association of Social Workers- California chapter (NASW-CA) on child abuse prevention, legal and ethical vulnerabilities for professionals, and difficult children, “Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood, Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms and Beyond” (Corwin Press, 2006), “The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution” (Corwin Press, 2008), and “Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5, Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms,” (Corwin Press, 2009); Asian Pacific Islander Parent Education Support (APIPES) curriculum for the City of San Francisco Department of Human Services (1996), 4th-6th Grade Social Science Reader, Asian-American History, Berkeley Unified School District, Berkeley, CA, (1977), and trainer/speaker of 20 dvds on child development and behavior for Fixed Earth Films, and in another time and career three arts and crafts books for children: two with Symbiosis Press (1985 &1987) and one with Price, Sloan, and Stern (1986);Consultant and trainer: for social services programs working with youth and young adults, Asian-American community mental health, Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, therapeutic, social support, and vocational programs for at risk youth, welfare to work programs, Head Start organizations, early childhood education programs and conferences, public, private, and parochial schools and organizations,Clinical supervisor: for therapists in Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, child and family therapists in a community counseling agency, Veteran Affairs in-patient clinician working with PTSD and dual diagnoses, foster care services manager for a school district, manager/supervisor for the Trevor Project-San Francisco, and therapists in a high school mental health clinic;Educator: credentialed elementary and secondary teacher, Masters of Psychology instructor for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapy (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) track students, 16 years in early childhood education, including owning and running a child development center for 11 years, elementary & secondary teaching credentials, community college instructor, and trainer/speaker for staff development and conferences for social services organizations including early childhood development, education, social work, and psychotherapy.Other professional roles: member Ethics Committee for six years and at-large member Board of Directors for four years for the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT), and member Board of Directors of the California Kindergarten Association (CKA) for two three-year terms.Personal: married since 1981 after dating since 1972 to girlfriend/wife/life partner with two wonderful strong adult daughters, and fourth of five American-born children from immigrant parents- the older of the "second set" of children.

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      Book preview

      Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy - Ronald Mah

      Ghosts and Guests of Family Past in Relationships and Therapy

      Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

      Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

      Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      ****

      Abstract:

      Individuals carry expectations, experiences, models, and values of variable functionality that profoundly affect intimacy and relationships. Negative experiences can become neurotic filters that alter perceptions and interpretations of others creating relationship dysfunctionality. The therapist prompts clients to recognize scripts and roles from the family-of-origin that create problems in current relationships. Incoherent versus coherent stories for self-identification, attachment, and family dynamics are shown as affecting relationship success. The therapist is directed to help clients identify and address embedded roles, models, and key cues for problems from developmental stress and cross-generational transmission: illogical values, pseudo-maturity, rigidity of roles, triangulation, implicit rules, and illogical perception. Relationship scripts need to be examined for functionality including the gallant knight-damsel in distress pairing, the fixer-project dynamic, distance-pursuer roles, and various money scripts. Illogical conclusions are examined for compelling symbolic meanings and historical logic that has become nonsensical for current relationships. Intimacy and relationship between a therapist and individual client must be a precursor to other relationships. Whether the unit of treatment is the individual, couple, or family, the therapist is guided to facilitate the person's growth or development with the requirement of another person or other persons in a reparative relationship.

      ****

      Linked Table of Contents

      Abstract

      INTRODUCTION: PUPPY, POPPI, AND PAULY

      Chapter 1: NEUROSIS & REALITY CHECK

      Chapter 2: SCRIPTS & GHOSTS IN RELATIONSHIPS

      Chapter 3: COMPULSIVE ANTICIPATION & CREATION OF DYNAMICS

      Chapter 4 STORY & COHERENCE

      Chapter 5: INDICATORS FOR FAMILY-OF-ORIGIN THERAPY- THE X FACTORS

      Chapter 6: ILLOGICAL VALUES

      Chapter 7: PSEUDO-MATURITY

      Chapter 8: RIGIDITY OF ROLES

      Chapter 9: PREPONDERANCE OF IMPLICIT RULES

      Chapter 10: INCORRECT AND/OR ILLOGICAL PERCEPTION

      Chapter 11: DISTANCER-PURSUER SCRIPT

      Chapter 12: GALLANT KNIGHT-DAMSEL SCRIPT

      Chapter 13: DADDY'S GHOST- MOMMA'S GIRL SCRIPTS

      Chapter 14: MONEY SCRIPTS

      Chapter 15: A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING SCRIPT

      Chapter 16: NUCLEAR FAMILY PROJECTION PROCESS – TRIANGULATION

      Chapter 17: DIFFERENTIATION

      Chapter 18: MULTI-GENERATION TRANSMISSION

      CONCLUSION: APPLICATION OF PRINCIPLES

      Bibliography

      Books by Ronald Mah

      Biographic Information

      ****

      **Author's Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

      INTRODUCTION: PUPPY, POPPI, AND PAULY

      Here puppy puppy. Pheromones emit. Hi puppy… hi Hester, Pauly slowly reached his hand to pet the dog. The dog Hester cringed reflexively then snapped at his hand. All intentions and cues given indicated Pauly was not dangerous. But the dog's first master had reached down and smacked its head… many times over and over. The dog misinterpreted the Pauly's gentle cues as Here we go again, another smack on the head. Instincts and intuition, based on prior experiences alter perception when interpreting cues and predicting current or future situations. Salome, the dog's new owner was embarrassed- scooping up Hester, I'm so sorry! She quickly explained to Pauly that Hester was a rescue dog- a dog that had been rescued from some bad or terminal situation at a shelter or the Humane Society. They did not know what exactly had happened with Hester when he was a puppy or how he had been treated. She suspected that his prior owner had been a man and been abusive to Hester.

      Pauly's heart went out to the scared dog. It's ok Hester. I'm not a bad guy. We'll hang out and you'll get used to me. Pauly sat on the floor and let the dog come to him. Soon they were totally best buddies. Salome was relieved that Pauly was so understanding. After all, they had only started dating a couple of months ago. She liked him a lot and Pauly seemed into her too. Their relationship was evolving nicely. It did not take nearly as long before Hester and Pauly were playing together so much that sometimes, it Salome was not sure who Pauly was visiting- her or the dog. Pauly may have been an alpha to the dog, but he was a kind and fun alpha. Salome liked Pauly even more because he connected with Hester. Pauly was a good guy to her, to her friends and family, to others, and to her dog! Pretty soon, Salome thought that Hester liked and obeyed Pauly more than he obeyed her. It was nice. Kind of like a family- as a couple and their dog, rather than just her dog.

      One night, Pauly did not come over as they had planned. He called and told Salome that something had come up with work and he had to stay late. He said he would come over late- probably about 9 pm when he was done. When Pauly showed up at Salome's place at about 9:25pm, Hester greeted him with his usual doggy enthusiasm, but Salome was quiet and somewhat cold. She looked at him and said with a chill, You're late. You said you'd get here at 9. What? he responded, surprised at quite the opposite reaction than he had anticipated. They got into a nonsensical argument about whether he had said he would be there at 9 pm or around 9 pm. Pauly picked up on Salome's negative energy. Being pretty tired himself from working fifteen plus hours and then, going out of his way to still come over, Pauly was not having her attitude. By 10 pm, Pauly was sick of being accused of doing something horrible that he had no idea what it might be, and he left in a huff.

      By chance and luck, Salome had her therapy session the next morning. Her therapist listened to Salome first list her grievances against Pauly: He came late, He didn't understand, He said 9 pm! Pauly knows I hate to wait, and so forth. Rather than join in or otherwise encourage Salome's self-righteous denigration of Pauly, the therapist focused her on her feelings. Based on their prior work, Salome was able to identify how being uncertain was tied to anxiety, how being alone was related to feeling she did not matter, and hurt that Pauly did not understand was about being rejected… again. Having examined extensively on Salome's childhood experiences in the family, the therapist prompted Salome about her cognitive connections. So what did that mean to you? Coming late means what? How did 25 minutes between 9 pm and 9:25 pm become more important than Pauly coming to see you? Salome recognized one of the big themes of her life- the emotionally unavailable intimate male figure.

      Damn it, snapped Salome, It's about Poppi again! Poppi was her father- her rigid workaholic father, who was obsessed with being the big shot. Always busy, but not too busy to go to another meeting, stay a bit later, or go on another trip. Just too busy to be the Poppi she needed. Poppi was the first one that did not show up as promised… had not followed through… dismissed her complaints and grievances… minimized her feelings. He was the first and that made what Pauly did as it happening again. Salome had cringed reflexively then snapped at Pauly even as his arms reached to hug her. All intentions and cues given indicated Pauly was not dangerous. But Salome's first male attachment figure had reached down and smacked her feelings away… many times over and over. Salome misinterpreted the Pauly's gentle cues as Here we go again, another betrayal, abandonment, and rejection. Instincts and intuition, based on prior experiences altered her perception as much as Hester's dismal doggy past had when interpreting cues and predicting current or future situations.

      In new relationships of any type, but particularly in the intimate romantic relationship there are early periods of feeling each other out. Learning who the other person is: what he or she really likes or dislikes, how similar or dissimilar he or she may be, values, idiosyncrasies, energies, and so forth builds the foundation of the relationship. Who this person is and who he or she might be to oneself comes from these early experiences. Unbeknownst to the members of such dyads are uninvited guests and even, ghosts that filter and color experience and perception. For some individuals, these uninvited experiential guests and ghosts take up permanent residence in the relationship to the detriment of intimacy and functionality. They can destroy the relationship or if the relationship somehow is sustained can corrupt it. Whether the individual realizes it or not, there are relationship templates that the new person and his or her behaviors are referenced to. These are the developmental, childhood, and family-of-origin models that guide one to replicate positive experiences and minimize or avoid repeating negative ones. Of critical importance to the individual is whether these models, templates, guides, or filters are accurate and applicable to arising situations and emerging relationships. Pauly was not the abusive first owner, but Hester's doggy instincts anticipated he might be another abusive human. Pauly was not the emotionally disconnected Poppi, but Salome's instinctive vulnerability anticipated he might be the next emotionally barren male intimate figure. Hester reacted as if Pauly would be mean, but was available to Pauly's kindness to alter his perception and thus, the resulting relationship. But then, Hester is a dumb animal! What does it take for an otherwise intelligent human such a Salome who reacts as if in danger again, to be available to reparative experiences and a healthier relationship? Or, would perception and anticipation force a replication

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