Nothing But A Miracle (Life's Outtakes - Year 4) 52 Humorous and Inspirational Short Stories

Journal Of A Gardener At Harvest Time

       August 17 - Dear Diary, it is that time of year again when the leaves are turning red, and everyone is working at a hurried pace, trying to get their harvest in.  My corn is just starting to show signs of ripening.  My neighbor didn't plant any corn.  He said only an idiot would plant corn because the  raccoons will just get it all, and he'll, instead, buy his at the farmer's market.  I told him a person just has to be smarter than the  raccoons is all, and no one would catch me buying corn at the farmer's market when I can grow it myself.  I can't wait for that first ear, dripping in butter and salt.  I can't write anymore because it's making me hungry.         August 20 - I was just ready to eat my first ears of corn today, and I found out that the  raccoons had hit my patch.  They had taken everything that was ripe, about two dozen ears.  I have plenty more, so I'm not worried, but I plan to put an end to it.  Some of my neighbors have been complaining that their corn patches have been hit, and they have lost every ear.  Some of them have been trapping or shooting the  raccoons.  I can't believe they'd be so mean.  They are such cute little animals.  We had a mother raccoon come to our house to eat cat food out of our cat dish.  She called in a purring sound for her babies to join her.  It was so cute.  I could never hurt one.  There are better ways.  A person just has to be smarter than the  raccoons, is all I can say.

       August 21 - I went to the farm and ranch store, and bought an electric fence charger, some wire, and some posts with insulators.  It cost me about $200.  The girl at the checkout asked if I was having trouble with cows or a horses or something.  When I told her it was for my  raccoons, she laughed and asked, What is it for, really?  I think she figured I was planning on corralling them and branding them, or something.  I'm still not sure she believed me when I said it was to keep them out of my corn.

       August 22 - I lost some more corn last night before I got my fence up.  I spent all day today putting it up, clearing around the corn, planting posts and all.  My neighbor came to see what I was doing.  You know, it's cheaper to just buy corn, he said.  Why, with all of the stuff you bought, your corn is probably costing you 5 dollars per ear.  He laughed and laughed.  He thinks he is so funny.  He said he buys his corn at the farmer's market at 3 ears for a dollar.  We'll see who's laughing when I have corn fresh off my patch, and he is still buying his which was picked days in advance.  And I won't share a single ear with him.  Well, maybe just one so that he can see what he is missing   Then I'll have the last laugh.  Ha.

       August 23 - I didn't lose any corn last night.  Of course, there is none ripe right now, but I think my fence must be working.  I didn't touch it to find out.  I'm not sure how a person goes about checking if an electric fence is working.  My neighbor suggested I just wire it to 220 and fry their little hides.  I told him  raccoons were cute little animals.  My aim was not to hurt them, but to make them know that they aren't welcome.  I can't believe anybody would consider hurting such cute animals.

       August 25 - I got hit again.  I just had a few ears starting to ripen, and the furry little critters came.  They took another couple dozen ears, but I still have lots.  They are quite smart.  They pushed some of my potatoes over and shorted out the fence.  But I dug out the row of potatoes closest to the fence so they can't do it again.  My neighbor brought over some corn he bought at the farmer's market.  He had such a smug look on his face that I wouldn't have taken it, except that I didn't have any that was ripe that hadn't been eaten, so I did just this once.

       August 27 - I got hit by the thievin', no-good bandits again.  Why didn't Noah throw them overboard when he had a chance?  I know why God put masks on the rottin', miserable, little critters.  He wanted to hide their identities.  They dug under my fence this time.  I unplugged it and started filling in the holes.  One of my kids didn't know that I was out there, saw the cord unplugged, and decided to be helpful.  I can tell you that the fence works.  I had just sprinkled my corn and, when I touched the fence, with the wet leaves all around me, I lit up like a Christmas tree covered with Fourth Of July sparklers.  I think I aged 10 years in an instant.  One more episode like that and I'll be old enough to retire.  I'm considering connecting my 400 amp welder to the wire and welding their thievin' little backsides to the fence.

       August 28 - I fixed them this time.  I put cinder blocks all the way around my corn under the wire so they can't dig under.  It cost a lot and took me from 6:00 in the morning until midnight (I lost 5 pounds in sweat), but I guess I showed them a thing or two.

       August 29 - The  raccoons figured out how to unplug the electric fence.

       August 30 - Bought corn at the farmer's market.

To Catch A Raccoon

       September 1 - Dear Diary, the  raccoons may have figured out how to get past the electric fence I put up around my corn, but, as long as I still have corn to defend, I will beat them.  I went to the sporting goods store and bought a live animal trap.  I can't wait to see one of them in there.  That will teach them.  They can't outsmart me.

       September 2 - More of my corn was gone, and I didn't catch anything.  Why should they go into the trap for corn when they can take plenty off my garden for free?  I have to bait the trap with something they want more than corn, and I know just the thing.  I remember the mother  raccoon bringing her babies onto our porch to eat cat food.  I will bait it with cat food.

       September 3 - I got up early to check the trap.  My neighbor was out calling her cat.  As I went to check the trap, she asked if I had seen Fluffy.  I told her I was sorry, but I hadn't.  Actually, I'm never sorry when I don't see her big, fat furball.  He acts all friendly to her, but toward everyone else he unsheaths his switchblade claws.  He's a nasty little beast, and I have the scars to prove it.  When I got to my trap, guess who was in it?  I must admit, I was tempted to take him far up into the woods and release him into the wild, but, before I could do anything, my neighbor spotted him in my trap.  She accused me of deliberately trying to catch him.  I reminded her that he was on my property, stealing my cat food.  She got all huffy and yelled some very unlady like things at me until all of the neighbors had pretty much come to find out what was happening.  She said she would never speak to me again.  My wife said it probably didn't help neighborly relations for me to tell her that was the nicest thing she has said to me in a long time.

       September 4 - I was tilling up part of my garden today, and got a bone stuck in the tiller.  The stupid dogs roam the neighborhood burying their bones in my garden, but the worthless things can't even keep the  raccoons out of my corn.  I've about had it.  I'm going to sit out there near the patch with my wrist rocket, and when I hear the beggars, I'm going to pop them with a rock.

       September 5 - I had to take a bath in tomato juice.  Who'd ever have guessed that  raccoons hire body guards?  At least, that's all I can figure.  I heard the rustling in my corn patch, and jumped up with my flashlight, ready to catch the thieves red handed.  I came face to face with one of the biggest skunks I've ever seen.  I backpedaled as fast as I could, as he swung the cannon end toward me.  Because of my quick reaction, I was barely hit, but it was still enough that my wife doesn't really want me sleeping in the house.  Note: tomato juice doesn't help the smell one bit.  It just makes a person smell like skunk pizza, which is not appetizing in the least.

       September 6 - Another neighbor informed me that  raccoons like marshmallows.  He says no other animal likes them, so, if I bait the traps with marshmallows, I should catch the  raccoons instead of the neighbor's cat.  Hopefully it will work this time.

       September 7 - I think, as the saying goes, if I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.  I snuck out to the trap, avoiding my neighbor, just in case I captured Fluffy again.  That cat must be the stupidest cat in the world.  Not only was he in my trap again, but he was in there with the skunk.  How he and the skunk got in there together is beyond me.  The skunk sprayed the area so heavy it hung over everything like an early morning fog.  I tried to release them before my neighbor could see I had captured her stupid cat again, but I couldn't get too near the cage.  I had just managed to find a pole long enough to trigger the latch, when she discovered us.  After she used a few colorful adjectives to describe me, I reminded her she was breaking her promise not to speak to me.  That's when she loudly proclaimed she definitely would never speak to me again.  I think I made her mad when I told her that that was the nicest present anyone has ever given me, because she kicked dirt at me.  I probably should go apologize.  I suppose I'm still luckier than she is, since the skunk soaked her stupid cat, and I feel sorry for her having to live with that smelly thing.  I'd take her some corn, but the  raccoons cleaned off the last of my patch.  Perhaps I should make her some brownies.

       September 8 - Forget the brownies.  The neighbor won't let her cat in the house now that he stinks so bad, so he has taken up residence under our porch.  Stupid, worthless cat.

To Catch A Cheater

       As fall rolls around and school starts, I often think of classic stories in teaching.  One that comes to mind occurred many years ago in our department.  Al came storming into our department early in the semester.  There was a young man in his class who was obnoxious and arrogant.  The young man would talk back in class, make snide comments, and was just plain disruptive.

       To make matters worse, Al had just given his first exam, and he was sure the young man had cheated.  However, there was no solid evidence, no smoking gun that would make it so he could send his name in to the administrative office for discipline.  There was just some conspicuous signs.  Each of the problems had been worked in a fashion similar to those seated next to him, mistakes included.

       What made Al even angrier was that, on these hand-graded exams, the young man had enough work right to get each problem correct.  And, without stronger evidence, Al knew he was going to have to give the young man a score that he didn't deserve.

       Al fumed about it, but there was nothing he could do.  At least, nothing he could do yet.  He was determined to catch this young man.  But, as the semester wore on, no evidence ever appeared to make it possible for Al to guarantee discipline for cheating.  In addition, the young man become more belligerent and seemed to be thumbing his nose at Al, as if daring him to catch him in the act.

       Al stopped by my office one day, four or five tests in hand.  One