A Just God Would Punish That! A Hilarious look at Teenagers

Jack Bessie is the creator of the website, Jack Bessie’s Duct Tape for the Soul https://www.jackofwords.com It is filled with all sorts of insightful, funny, crazy and profoundly motivating stuff!

In addition, Jack has a Tumblr Blog: Words of Bessie http://jackofwords.tumblr.com/

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And he posts short stories free on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/search/jack%20Bessie

Besides his daily blog posting page that features Bessie-isms and Quoteables, you’ll discover a bunch of other pages filled with crazy and amusing features. And of course, there’s a whole section devoted to all his other books, with links to see samples and to buy them. (Authors are wicked opportunists!)

You’ll also find a Free Book Page where you can get two different free digital copies of his books each month: https://www.jackofwords.com/free-books/

All of his contact info & e-mail addresses etc. are there too He even gives you material in the Archives, for all you over busy or tardy ones. Jack and his staff are a pretty zany bunch, and you should find something that makes you laugh, giggle, cry or want to hang him. Check it out! It’s free, and worthy of being under your favorites!

Come for a nice tour, and a chance to get to know him!

Introduction

"The teenage years are apparently a stopgap measure. Obviously, going from the wonderful period of childhood directly to adulthood proved too much of a challenge even for God to devise, thus this terrible period of transition that no one is pleased with, including God."

Bessie-ism from Duct Tape for the Soul

If I really wanted to be honest, I’d have to say that raising eleven teenagers has made me the man I am today! Considering that I’m half crazy, (Well, I say I’m only half, but my friends might argue that), I’m really not all that excited about being totally honest. Most of the survivors of the Nazi death camps were less than forthcoming about their ordeals too!

Now I love my kids, even the ones whose butts I’d still like to beat, and I’m praying and eagerly hoping that they all grow up and stop being ninnies or deadbeats at some point, preferably before I pass on. I can tell you that when you decide to have children, you’re handing God a blank check; you have no idea on earth what sort of souls He’s apt to give you!

You will be disappointed occasionally, as you struggle to get your children to adulthood, especially as you pass through the teen years. If you get a child that isn’t obnoxious and mouthy, isn’t inclined to ignore you and pee on your foot occasionally, you should be nervous; you’re now so far in debt to God, you may need a hundred lifetimes to pay Him back!

However, the odds are great that you will have issues, will yell and scream at times, and will seriously wish that torture wasn’t so frowned upon in polite society! In short, you’ll get to parent a teenager. I personally suspect that this will earn you, (provided you don’t succumb to the urge to bury them in the back yard), an automatic pass, good for admission to the gates of heaven, even if you slipped up and murdered someone at another time of your life!

Oh, sure, I’ve spent many hours wondering why God inflicts the teenage years on any of us, teens or parents. All I can come up with, is that He wanted us to experience something, against which all other difficulties of life would seem easy! I’d have to admit, He’s done a fabulous job!

Now parenting teens wouldn’t be nearly as awful as it is, if a parent didn’t remember their own teenage years. Having to be a bitch, having to say no and disappoint your own teen is made wickedly more difficult when you remember all of your own terribly disappointments back when you just wanted to be stupid and have fun! Knowing you have to be the responsible one really kills any sort of fun, but that’s too bad; it’s either pee on your teens, or explain to God why you weaseled out, and took the easy path. Trust me, the latter option isn’t a good one!

As you might imagine, the more teens you raise, the more opportunities for craziness you’ll have. Almost all of the individual pieces in this book came directly from something funny, stupid, embarrassing or sarcastic one of my bunch uttered at some point. I started jotting a few of them down one day, talking with friends, and suddenly realized I had enough for a book! God knows, after what my wife and I suffered through raising them, the idea of getting a few dollars back does look ironically attractive!

If you’ve got teens, you’ll recognize some of these subjects. If you are facing the eventuality of having them later, you might want to read this, and place your kids for adoption, while you still can. (Trust us, nobody will adopt a teenager!) If you’re as stubborn or crazy as I was, well good luck…you’ll need it. It will change you, and I won’t tell you it will be for the better, either. They are certainly interesting, and each one will be utterly different. That just means you can’t use what you learn on one to help with the next!

Oh, yes. You might want to have a chat with God, before you embark on the teenage raising journey, just to determine if He’s still upset with you for anything from your teen years. I’d recommend that you get the atoning out of the way ASAP. He seems to be fond of giving you a teen that’s inclined to be exactly as wicked and disobedient as you were to your parents! Trust me, I’ve got the experience to prove it!

Jack

It’s the Relationship, Stupid!

You suck, but I’m just being honest!

Attitude, attitude, why for all this attitude? Well, because you’ve got snotty, mouthy teens! Sorry, but that usually is the culprit. Teens always seem disgruntled, upset, annoyed, frustrated or mad about something, and they just love sharing all that negativity with everyone who gets near them; especially their parents.

Now when you see an angry looking teen, and you’re concerned, your first reaction is usually to say something to encourage them to talk, to share their problem. The typical parent says, Hey! Problem? You seem like something’s bothering you? What is the normal teen response? Nothing! yelled at about ninety decibels. Sometimes it will be accompanied by, #!@##**#! or the equivalent, and often you’ll get to watch them leap up, go to their room and slam the door, as they add, "Nothing’s wrong with me! or, It’s none of your #@$!&%#! business!" This is a teen’s way of inviting you to talk!

Teens actually would like to talk to their parents a lot more than they do. The problem is, they know the conversation will likely go places they don’t want it to. They hate being told that they’re the cause of their problem, they hate you uncovering some act of wickedness, and they know that a nice long chat has a very good chance of ending up there! They also know that a one on one talk lets the parent spot the ton of lies the typical teen puts forth at any given moment.

Thus, they dish out the attitude, to try and keep you at bay. If a teen can get you mad and keep you mad, the odds are that you’ll miss things, and trust me, they want you to miss things! As you might guess, raising eleven of the little critters gave us abilities most parents don’t get enough practice to develop. The wife was almost clairvoyant by the end of the line, and she could tell by how one of ours slammed the back door that they’d had a problem at school. They all dreaded having one of us, ask, So, what’s up? Bad day? They knew that likely we already knew all the dirt, (they thought we had surveillance equipment in their school, considering how much we knew without being told anything by them), and they knew the tiniest slip would cause them to give a full confession.

Daughter number three was stubborn, and hated to admit the truth. She always replied, Nothing! when asked if anything was wrong, then sighed and rolled her eyes when we just said, Really? Then come over and sit down and tell us all about it! This usually garnered a frustrated Oh, God! as she flopped down, doomed. (She was a tough little cookie, and never gave in and confessed in less than a full hour, a record unsurpassed by any of her siblings!).

Now many times, when you display any empathy towards teens, they’ll go on the offensive, and try to be as offensive as possible! They love trying to belittle your compassion and care, hoping to discourage you from snooping, and likely finding whatever skeletons are stashed in their closet. As a generally rule of thumb, when we got snotty attitude, or one of them tried to knock our love or care, we treated it much like a test well in an oilfield; it was a sure sign that we needed to drill, baby, drill! We seldom had a dry hole either!

If you have sensitive feelings, you’re going to get hurt by your teen. They can and will say some wickedly vicious things, fully intending to hurt your feelings. They want to drive you away from whatever they’re hiding. Where there’s attitude, there’s pay dirt, or at least some kind of dirt!

Now don’t think teens never want to talk! Many times they do, but they’re so embarrassed or nervous that they’re reluctant to be honest and tell you what’s bothering them. It’s easier to show their butt, and have you stage an inquisition, than to be honest. Do so. Never just shrug, and let them get away without digging for the truth. They won’t actually thank you, but if you listen carefully, the next time they tell you that you suck, they’ll say it a bit softer. Trust me, you’ll be happy with anything you can get, teens being teens!

Even if I hate you, I’ll still approve of your money.

Teens would like to be able to love you, and often do. At the least, they’d be sort of okay if they could at least like you. However, that’s not a given, and depending on how you interact with them, may be pretty unlikely, at least at times.

They certainly don’t like you when you’re punishing them, and no matter how awful they behaved, it’s still somehow your fault that they’re in trouble. They won’t like you either, when you say no to their foolish plans, or deny them the chance to have fun, no matter how harebrained their request really is. To a teenager, everything they think of is a brilliant stroke of pure inspiration.

Now if I had a dollar for every time I’ve said no to a teenager, I’d be writing this book while on my private island in the Caribbean. I have used that word extensively, and I’m happy to say eleven young adults are still alive because I did. You’d have been amazed at some of their crazy tendencies!

Naturally, when you say no, when you deny them the chance to be reckless, stupid or dead, they always get angry. I hate you! You don’t love me! I wish I lived with my real parents! You’ll get it all. I still remember the first time a daughter looked at me, all teary eyed, and said, You don’t even care if you hurt my feelings…do you? Considering that she wanted me to allow her to try hang gliding off a down town skyscraper, I had not a bit of difficulty in patting her cheek, and saying…No I don’t! Ahhhhh. Preventing stupid teen death or disability…priceless!

Now what you have to be aware of is this; when you say no, and they declare their undying hatred for you, and vow to never forgive you, just remember this; to a teen, forever only lasts until the next time they need to beg you for something! They’ll be back. I’ve honestly tried everything imaginable, including locking one daughter out of the house naked, to insure a long stretch of peace and quiet, without having them begging, but nothing works. They always come back, wanting something else!

Teens are pretty cynical. They may denounce you as an old fart, a loser, out of touch, not with it, wicked, cruel, mean, cheap etc, but if you wave a twenty dollar bill within a hundred feet of one, suddenly they can manage to put up with you, at least for long enough to spend it!

I actually had one son who complained constantly about how un-with it I was, how old fashioned etc. So one day, after harping for a couple of hours about all that, one of his friends called, inviting him to go somewhere. Naturally, he zips into my study, and hits me up for a twenty, so he can go, Have fun.

Now you can probably guess that I was less than thrilled about his lack of principles. I just calmly looked at him, and said, So I suck, but my money’s okay? Guess what he replied? Oh, I respect your money just fine, and I’ll respect it even more when you give it to me! I kid you not.

If you assume I had a snappy comeback to that, you get a gold star! I looked at him and whipped this on him; I respect my money just fine too, and I intend to reward it’s loyalty to me by leaving it nice and snug in my wallet! I’ll respect your money too, when you get a job and earn some! He was properly unhappy, but he went off to his room to sulk, so it was a total victory for me.

Now, if you’re the kind of push over who takes disrespect and abuse, and still feels obligated to hand out money and privileges to disobedient and mouthy teens, you’ll never lack for the chance to feel like a doormat. They will not shed the least tear over how bad they treat you. You have to draw the lines, and make a stand, demanding good behavior, respect, productivity and all around decent human-ness, in exchange for your money and approval.

Oh, no…the love is free…you owe them that. However, beyond that, it’s all barter. Just remember you’re dealing with a shifty thirteenth century trader of sorts, and watch you wallet. They won’t even say thank you when they pick your pockets!

God hates me! He gave me to

YOU people!

Oh how nice it might be to always feel loved by your teen. You certainly always love them, (I said love, not like; that’s a different issue), and considering what a major pain in the rear they are frequently, a bit of love and gratitude would certainly be appreciated. Oh how foolish we mortal parents are!

Now the sad truth is this; you can lavish semi-loads of love, kindness, forgiveness, assistance, time and money on a teen, and you’ll be lucky if they don’t pee on your foot! Oh, like, is that all the better you can do? you’re apt to hear, as you contemplate your depleted bank account, and consider how exhausted you are, after your latest ordeal of saving them from their own ignorance. The only time you’ll likely see a hint of gratitude from a teen, is when they’re in a jam, and are trying to con you into saving their butt! Then they’ll say, Oh, yeah, you’re the best, or some other lackluster comment, that sounds as insincere as a political endorsement.

Now raising kids from infancy is one thing, and you can see how they might be a bit callous about you or your parenting. They don’t remember their prior lives as a third century prostitute or a seventh century galley slave. They just assume you suck, because, well, that’s easy to do! It’s pretty easy to dream that anybody else might be a better parent, especially when all their friends lie about how great their own parents are!

But what if you adopt a teen? Look, this is going to shock you, so sit down. I’ve got six of them, all adopted from three different orphanages in Russia, adopted between the ages of ten and fifteen. Now these were kids who owned nothing, who shared their underwear with everybody else, for God’s sake, were always hungry, were beaten, treated like dirt and even molested. We brought them home to a large, custom built home, with all new furniture, their own new clothes…you name it. Did they resist the teen urge to be crappy and ungrateful? Are you on drugs? They became normal, obnoxious, ungrateful, Americanized teenagers before they out grew their first new pair of tennis shoes! How reassuring!

Now I know something teens would rather die than have you find out, and it’s really amusing. They don’t want you to know how dependant they are on you! They think if you had any idea about that, you’d really make their live hard! They also hate being so dependant, having to get your blessing for all the things they want to do. They can’t even get a drivers license if you say no!

Now, the typical teen may suspect you have some idea of this, but they’d rather lie to themselves, and pretend otherwise. Even worse, they all seem to feel that if they show any gratitude or appreciation for your efforts, you’ll likely demand that they display even more appreciation. God knows where that might lead to, but they don’t intend to take the chance of finding out!

It’s frankly easier to pretend that they were switched at birth, and that somewhere, out there, the warm, loving, kind and generous people they were supposed to be raised by are out there, sad and missing them. Now it’s only a short hop from this, to wanting to blame God for screwing up their life. Oh, sure, I’ve personally heard that accusation. One of the adopted daughters actually said this; I know you mean well, but somewhere out there, I had real parents, who’d love me and prove it by giving me everything I ask for! (No, the suggestion that I offered to help her go look is false! I never said anything about helping!).

Look, they all do this sort of crap, when they’re hurt or angry, so you might as well toughen up. I mostly let them run off at the mouth, and get it out of their system. Then I’d send them out back to clean stalls. The way I see it, if God doesn’t strike them down on the spot, when they blame Him for giving them to you, the least you can do is overlook it too. They will outgrow it, and even better, they’ll eventually be parents!

How Nice! He disrespects you too!

If you’ve got teens, you probably won’t admit this, but it’s still true; you’d feel a whole lot better knowing your teen treats other people as badly as they treat you! Go on, admit it, confession is good for the soul.

Of course, this sad fact isn’t because you’re malicious or mean, and I’d never accuse you of getting around on a broomstick, for Heaven’s sake, but…well, teens just wear you down at times. You get disrespected, insulted, maligned, criticized, and whizzed on daily, by your snotty and arrogant teen. Even if they are an angel at times, you’ll still get crapped on occasionally, usually in front of witnesses, when you’re tired and least prepared to deal with it.

Now in the good old dark ages of parenting, a mouthy teen was just slapped, promptly and hard, for being so stupid and rude as to denigrate their parents. I frankly miss those days. We were a better and more polite country when obnoxious teens got squelched on the spot for being crass and mouthy. Now, some busybody would call Children’s Services and complain that you’re torturing your wicked teens.

Of course, your teens figure this regrettable fact out, and use it shamelessly to hogtie you. When I see a loudmouth, rude teen giving a parent grief in public, I just want to go over and kick their butt. I actually told one poor woman once that God would likely be fine with her taking them home and drowning them, considering how they were treating her. Hey, I’m sure that’s true, considering what the commandment says about kids and parents!

I actually had a neighbor who did slap the crap out of his wicked, potty mouthed teen. Naturally, the teen locked himself in his room, and called 911. When the police arrived, and threatened to take the teen to foster care, our neighbor just laughed, and said, "Have at it…he’s all yours!" You’ve never seen a teen look like they regretted something so much, ever!

Now I know that half of the disrespect teens dish out is just intended to be a sort of bargaining chip. They like to act like they hate you, can’t stand you, don’t respect you etc. and they’re hoping you’ll get upset and beg them to like you again. It’s about power. I’ve been there. I had one screaming, I hate you! You suck! I wish I could live somewhere else! Oh, really?

Sure, I know she was shocked when I told her to go pack her bags, I had a nice place in mind. She fiddled, she piddled, and every little bit, I’d yell, How’s the packing coming along? Well, an hour later, Miss I’m So Out Of Here was still sitting with her unpacked suitcase and crying. Suddenly no place looked as good as our evil teen detention facility. We had a nice chat, and I never heard that nonsense again…at least from her!

Now, if you are the only person on earth your teen disrespects, you may have issues. You might actually be a crappy human being! But the odds are good that you aren’t the only one being peed on by your teen. I can’t honestly recall any time when our teens treated us lousy without being evil to several other adults too. Oh, and a bunch of their fellow teens; they don’t discriminate on the basis of age!

Of course, it’s fun to watch them be nasty and rude to people who can seriously put the hurt on them, like teachers, cops and their boss, if they’ve got a job. One of my bitchy daughters got fired at the restaurant she worked at, because she told a customer she couldn’t have fries, she needed a salad, considering how big her butt was! She was so indignant, and offended, since she was, Just looking out for the woman’s health! Try to listen to that with a straight face! Parenting teens gets really hard sometimes!

Naturally, I loved that story, as it confirmed that we weren’t the only ones having to put up with her tongue. I was just depressed a bit, because unlike her boss, I couldn’t fire her for being so obnoxious!

I was obviously switched at birth!

Teens are always complaining about something. Like a purring lion, a teen that’s bitching and grumbling about something is much happier than one who has nothing to complain about. I know that sounds crazy, but trust me, it isn’t. The only time a teen isn’t bitching, is when they’re guilty about something, or worried, afraid you might be close to stumbling onto their latest act of ignorance.

Now to a teen, the topic of their complaining is mostly irrelevant. They’re just as content complaining about their friends as they are complaining about the mean kids who pick on them. Bosses, teachers, homework, siblings; to a crabby teen, life is an endless buffet of things to carp about, and believe me, they do.

Naturally, you’re on that list, being a parent, and automatically annoying. Oh, yes, everything you do annoys your teen, including saying hello and especially telling them you love them. They really hate that! Why? Because, it implies that they should love and respect you in turn, and teens have no desire to be so obligated to be well disposed to people who are oppressing them.

Yes, you are oppressing them, as they see it. If you won’t let them run down the street naked while drinking from a bucket of beer, if you insist that they do their homework or behave in class, you dear parent, are as oppressive as Stalin was. Your home is a concentration camp, or maybe a labor camp ala the Gulag.

Since you’re an oppressive monster, they feel obligated to disapprove of you, regardless of how nice you act, or how much money you spend. Your efforts to be nice are seen as only disingenuous camouflage, a ruse to hide your real evil menace from their friends and all your family. As long as they know you’re wicked, they will treat you as such!

Of course, teens hate thinking that they’re stuck with someone as evil as you. This is just an invitation for wishful thinking, something all teens are masters of. They’ll spend days daydreaming of ways that might explain how they, perfect and innocent, could have ended up in your clutches. Surely this was a malevolent act, a wicked and reprehensible undertaking by some malign force or entity, who is hell bent on ruining their precious teen-hood.

Now even though teens will occasionally stoop to blaming God for their wicked suffering, they will never consider that they might be suffering Karma, justly earned by their past wicked actions! Not them! If they think they’re perfect now, they will certainly imagine that they were always so perfect. After all, it isn’t their fault that God blessed you with their perfection, and you are so low and unworthy as to be unable to appreciate their greatness! You are a boob, a dunce, a parent, and not a very good one!

Now teens seem to always like imagining that some tragedy occurred, like them being switched at birth with a child more suited for your evil intentions. Mine all went through that at some point, dreamily wondering if they’d ever be reunited with their true, kind, loving and rich intended parents! I suppose if you’re going to dream, you might as well go all the way! Sorry, but you’re destined to be regarded as a troll!

One daughter, while sitting on her red and toasty warm butt, sniveling, looked at us and said. You know, God didn’t intend me to have to suffer like this! You’ll be wickedly punished for what you’re doing to me! Now I didn’t laugh at her. I did smile just a bit, as I nodded. Oh, really? Who do you think is telling us to whip your butt…the devil? We get our instruction directly from God! I was sure she’d dislocate her jaw, having her mouth drop open that far. Of course, she gave up when her older sister wandered in, looked at her pathetic manner and said, "Give it up, girl, Everyone else here tried that same line here. It still ain’t workin!" They eventually all learn, but they are a bit slow about it.

If you loved me, you’d never punish me!

Now that statement has to rank as one of the absolute funniest things any of my teens ever uttered. It was spoken only once, by a daughter who was the biggest optimist I’d ever met, while attempting to avoid getting fried for doing something wickedly stupid.

Don’t think other teens are disinclined to believe this, even if they have enough sense never to utter it! They do, or at least they toy around with thinking it. It’s easy for an angry teen with a sore butt, or who is sitting home, grounded for a month to get all teary eyed, and feel sorry for themselves. They’d like most of all to feel victimized, oppressed and put upon by their wicked parents. It’s only a small hop over to mumbling, You suck! You can’t love me, and do this to me!

Now don’t think teens won’t accuse you of not loving them! They certainly will. You’ll hear it screamed, cried, moaned and sobbed at one time or another, as they struggle for a way to take your butt to the mat, especially during a vicious argument. The first time a parent hears that is almost as wickedly painful as being stabbed. And your teen is delighted to discover that! Words have power, can wound, and to save their butt, a teen will do pretty much any wicked thing that works!

Of course, most parents aren’t sadists, and they don’t punish teens just for amusement. I’ve seen some teens behave in ways that would warrant that, but come on, it’s not a common thing. I’d have to say that honestly, most teens aren’t punished nearly as much or as often as they deserve, getting away with all sorts of wickedness either because they evade detection, or because their parents are just plain tired, and don’t want the extra work!

I will be honest, and tell you that whenever possible, I let my bunch actually be stupid, and get themselves punished automatically, by their ignorance. Not only did that save me a lot of time and yelling, but those lessons tended to stick really well! For instance, when one daughter got nasty, potty mouthed, and slapped her mom one evening, and then called 911, I just shrugged and grinned. Miss Smarty thought she was pretty wicked, until they strip searched her at the juvenile detention facility, and she got a first hand demonstration of what a cavity search entails! She got reamed by the Magistrate the next day too, and all I had to do was listen to a very sad, teary apology to her mother, by one seriously re-educated fifteen year old girl!

Now teens may not want to admit that they know you love them, and that they understand why you punish them, but they do. They just want to keep you nervous and afraid, since doing so shifts the balance of power a bit towards them. I’ll hate you forever if you make me behave, is an old and shopworn bit of bombast, but teens keep rolling it out because it apparently works, at least fifty percent of the time!

The problem most parents of teens seem to have is that they lack creativity in how they punish their disobedient teen. It doesn’t help that many of the most effective ones are considered verboten, as being too much like torture. Society doesn’t seem to mind how much your teen is torturing you, but that’s just too bad! Now grounding a teen is often a futile exercise. We discovered that ours hated work, so guess what? They dug a lot of ditches and postholes, and cleaned barns and shoveled a lot of poop! It had the added benefit of being good exercise, and it got them outside, where my wife didn’t have to hear all the whining and moaning.

Now when the daughter uttered the comment about how we wouldn’t punish her, if we loved her, I just had to correct that. I had to explain that being willing to hand out punishment was in fact a supreme sign of and display of love. "Would you like me to demonstrate just how incredibly much I love and adore you? I asked. I noted she was starting to sweat a bit, so I grinned and said, Bend over. I got a really quick response. Could you just let me assume you love me?" she squeaked. See, they do learn sometimes.

I’m not ashamed of you!

(It’s Just Icky Being in Public with Parents!)

You just love showing off your family, don’t you? You’re proud of them, and would never want to hide or disavow them, right? Well, maybe you’re not too excited about having people see the ones with the tie dyed hair, the piercings, and the ratty clothes, who act like morons or rude you-know-what’s in public? Still, you try to be charitable, and not look like you’re avoiding them. What do you get in return? Treated like you have leprosy!

Teens hate having to be seen with their parents. We are never cool enough, and are always saying or doing something to embarrass them. We look funny, talk funny, and, well, honestly, we act funny. They will accuse you of doing so on purpose, just to humiliate them. Of course that’s not true, (other than occasionally, when they’ve really hacked you off!), but you’ll never convince them of that. This is just another handy excuse to use to beat you up, and get some leverage to use later, when they want to beg for something; "You acted like dorks when my friends talked to us at the mall…new jeans might make that up to me!"

This might shock you, if you’ve forgotten how you felt when you were a teen, but the reason teens hate being seen with you in public is really pretty simple. You being present derails their illusion of being an adult! Teen with parent equals still dependant child, not independent, assured, self important young adult! Now do you get it? Just you being there is a blow to their passing themselves off as grown up. You can stand as immobile as a statue, and even have pigeons perched on your head, and that’s still enough to crap up their fantasy.

Well, of course they’re trying to live in a fantasy. No human being who is totally dependant economically, who’s too young to vote, to get married, who has to be told to go to bed or when to get up, must be made to do their own chores, homework, pick up their crap, and even what to wear, for God’s sake, can remotely be considered independent, self-sufficient and adult! Duh. But they want so badly to be so!

So they pretend. They love playing adult as much as they loved any make-believe play when they were little kids. Nothing changes, except their willingness to be honest about what they’re actually doing. Two or more teens together get to pretend to be adults together, as long as no parents are around. This is a big part of why when your teen has friends over, they all slither off as far away from you as possible. A visual sighting of your butt just kills their adult play! (Of course, the other reason they hide is so you won’t hear all the wicked and nasty things they say, or overhear their plans, which they know you’d beat their butts off if you heard. They are crafty weasels, but not totally stupid!).

Now honestly, teens do know they’re only pretending to be adults, and they want you to be close and available, especially when they have problems or get in trouble. We had one girl who got really mouthy about how, You guys are losers, I hate you, I wish you’d leave me alone, stop bothering me, and you should care less. I’d rather have anyone else but you people to deal with! So, when she got picked up and arrested for shoplifting, did she call anyone else but you losers? You’re funny. It was sort of, Hi. I’m in jail. You losers need to come and get me out! Isn’t that so sweet?

Now I’m sure you’d just love to have teens who would stroll arm in arm down Main Street with you, but don’t get your hopes up. If you get a normal teen, you’ll be lucky to get a hug in the privacy of your own home, with the blinds closed! Once they start to grow up, you just become, icky. Sorry! I’d bet money you hated being followed around by your parents too. You need to give them some rope at times, and see how they do. Letting them crash and burn occasionally on small things is a really good way to help them learn. Something else that’s fun to do with teens is take them to the mall, and while they’re way ahead of you, pretending they’re alone, sneak off and go have ice cream by yourself! They always find you eventually, and they’ll yell at you for, getting lost! Sigh!

Like, were you talking to me?

Nothing can make a parent want to beat a teenager any faster than hearing a comment that indicates the teen was not even listening to what they were saying! Were you talking to me? What…did you say something? or even a mumbled Uhhhhh? will send you ballistic, won’t it?

If you have to go through the motions of sounding like you care, explaining why you’re grounding them until they turn eighteen, shouldn’t they be as obligated to sit quietly, and politely listen? Well, if you really wanted politeness, you’d never have had kids, would you?!

Now I’ve studied this in great depth, as you might imagine any crazy man who’s raised eleven teens might, in a desperate attempt to preserve a small amount of sanity, and I found some interesting results.

For instance, one day I was haranguing one of the girls about her slovenly habit of leaving a mess in the bathroom when ever she took a shower. The room always looked like she had shampooed a yak in there, and maybe peed on the floor for good measure. She tossed her wet towels down, along with her dirty panties for good measure, and then disappeared. It was so nasty, even her sisters, who were all slobs too, whined constantly.

Anyway, I’d been talking for about five minutes, when I realized she had that blank look, which meant she’d zoned out completely. Oh, she was still mumbling, Uh huh, or Ummm, every thirty seconds, like she was listening, but I suspected otherwise.

I decided to experiment, and calmly said, I think I’ll just pull your pants down and paddle your cute bare ass! without changing my tone of voice. She merely said, Ummm. Uh huh, clearly having heard nothing. Next, I said, Then I’m going to make you wash all the dishes by hand for six months. You guessed it, Uh huh, was all she mumbled.

That was when I slipped in this; I’m thinking of raising your allowance twenty dollars, and letting you sleep with your boyfriend. Thank God I’d put my hands over my ears, as her excited shriek of, "Really? at about one hundred and twenty decibels might have impaired my bad hearing even more. I’m sure my NO!" was a tragic disappointment.

Now what this obviously proved is that teens have a very highly evolved selective hearing. They somehow filter out all the stuff they don’t want to hear, stuff that you want them to hear! I have no idea how this is done, but I suspect that if it’s genetically linked or passed down, they get it from the mom. God knows my wife and all the other women I’ve ever dated displayed an amazingly similar talent.

Now I’ve tried all sorts of strategies to overcome this annoying teen habit, with mixed results. I even made them write down what I said, and notarized it, then made them study it, and take a test on the material. Twelve hours later, they had no recollection that we’d ever discussed the subject.

I hear you, suggesting they have selective memory problems, and that may be true. I’ve had kids who couldn’t remember to zip up their pants, but can recall, word for word, the time when they were four when I said I might get them a dog or a special toy. Twenty years later, they all remember those things, but don’t remember me asking them to pick their shoes up from the middle of the floor five seconds ago.

As you’ve probably figured out, even beating them thoroughly doesn’t get them to listen to you. I’ve threatened to do some pretty wicked things to various ones of my teens, and nothing worked. I even had one ignore me, when I warned him to, Watch out for the stairs. You’d think falling down the stairs might make some impression, but when we got him scraped up, back upstairs and tended to, he moaned, Why didn’t you tell me I was about to fall down the stairs! all pathetic like.

Would you think I’m a bad parent if I told you I simply pushed him back down the stairs? Well, sorry.

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