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    Jesus Plays the Catskills
    Jesus Plays the Catskills
    Jesus Plays the Catskills
    Ebook82 pages1 hour

    Jesus Plays the Catskills

    By Hank Gross

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    About this ebook

    In this sublime retelling of the story and teachings of Christ's life, Jesus himself takes the mike and tells it to a Borscht-belt crowd as a Jewish comic might. It's the New Testament as you've never heard it before! So here he is, ladies and germs, the King of Kings, the Lamb of God...let's give it up, folks, for JESUS!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHank Gross
    Release dateMar 6, 2010
    ISBN9781452388793
    Jesus Plays the Catskills
    Author

    Hank Gross

    I have been a writer and editor for over 40 years, beginning in New York City in the 60's, where I freelanced for various magazines and worked as an editor at the National Examiner tabloid newspaper. I also did research and writing for the Reader's Digest (Hell's Angels, Motorcycle Safety) and flew to Louisville to interview (in poetry) Cassius Clay before he won the title and became Ali. His mother was the sweetest woman and made the best potato salad I've ever had. I have had novels and non-fiction published by major publishers such as Ballantine, World, Arbor House, Peter Pauper Press, and William Morrow, as well as many short stories and articles in major national publications, such as "The Boy Who Ate New York" in the National Lampoon, 1991. (This can be read online at my website, http://www.hankgross.com. I have also taught English and writing to students from Asia, Africa, and Latin America. I studied street photography with Randall Warniers at MIT, as well as figure photography. I won first prize in the December 1995 Popular Photography contest and was later profiled in the magazine (August 1997). Recently, I have taken up painting (acrylics), which can be viewed on my website. My email is: hankgross@gmail.com

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      Book preview

      Jesus Plays the Catskills - Hank Gross

      JESUS PLAYS THE CATSKILLS

      Hank Gross

      Published by Hank Gross at Smashwords 2010

      © 2010 Hank Gross All Rights Reserved,

      including electronic, print, and performance.

      Registered with U.S. Copyright Office

      http://www.hankgross.com

      License: This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

      Never forget that Satan fell by force of gravity."

      -- G. K. Chesterton

      "God laughs because He knows more than we do.

      God has sharper vision."

      -- Miriam Pollard

      Be not sad, for the joy of the Lord is our strength.

      Nehemias 8: 9-10

      "A joyful heart is the health of the body,

      but a depressed spirit dries up the bones."

      Proverbs 17: 22

      In this sublime retelling of the teachings, meaning and story of Christ's life, Jesus himself takes the mike and tells it to a Borscht-Belt crowd as a Jewish comic might. He was Jewish, after all, and would have had a Jewish sense of humor. It's the New Testament as you've never heard it before! He even takes questions from the audience! So, here he is, folks, the King of Kings, the Lamb of God…let's give it up, ladies and germs, for JESUS!

      GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTILES

      Tenk you, tenk you.

      Heppy to be here, you look like a grett crowd. Bless you all, and I minn dat from de hot – dis is not you everyday geshundheit, beliff me.

      You vondering mebby who I em, varing a robe nids a good pressing, looks like he hessn't hed a haircut in two tousand years, kem here to do stend opp, tinks he's mebby Billy Crystal?

      Hah! No vay. I'm Jizzus Christ, de von de only. Stotted ott a nice Jewish boy, ended opp oy, don't esk.

      By now, almost everyvon forgets I'm Jewish. Vhat, I kem ott from my modder, she says hallo, valcome, you a Presbyterian? I vas a rebbi, for Christ's sake, vore a funny little bleck het, kept falling off, et beggels vit crimm chizz for breakfast, a little lox, sliced tin, not too salty, kept two sets dishes, the whole schmegegga. You vant to know how Jewish I em? I'm sitting vonce in de temple, man comes up to me, esks em I comfortable, I say ehh, I mek a living. Beliff me, em Jewish true and true. Look at me, I lived at home vit my perents till I vas tirty, I vent into my fodder's business, and my modder tinks I'm God. I'm in the bettroom more den tree minutes, I hear, Are you hokay? Are you hokay?

      Mebby I should get a nose job – hev it med bigger.

      So, vhat I'm doing here, nu? Vhat's dis, anyvay -- de second komming from Christ ve been haxpecting all dese years? Don't be silly. Been here many toms, pled lest year Veggis vit Ven Newton, brought de house right don on top de bote of os. You vant a second komming, come beck for de second show at ten tirty.

      And vhy I kip komming beck, you esk Vhat's my rizzon stending opp here mekking chokes? Hokay, gled to tell you.

      Rizzon is, my titchings got all gobbled over de years, hev to stretten pipple ott. Look vhat's going on in de vorld. Everyvon fighting, everyvon greb greb greb, pooshing, shoffing, me, me, me, den going to church, getting dressed opp, saying hallo, hallo, how are you, but not living by vhat I titch.

      Tek de Inquisition, for hexemple.

      Plizz!

      Look vhat dey did in my nem. Killing, tawcha, being min to itch odder. All dat business vit de reck, de iron meddin, tootpicks onderneet de fingernells. Some inquisition! Dey hed qvestions, vhy didn't dey jost esk nicely? Say plizz. Beliff me, I vasn't in fevor at all.

      So, hev a few tings nid to clear opp, stotting vit de Gospels. You tink in dere is vord from vord vhat I said? Don't mek me leff. John didn't ivvin write don vhat I said until forty years letter. And he hed no memory to begin vit. He ivvin had to write the apostles' nems on his arm jost to kip dem strett. I'm not kidding you – check ott De Lest Sopper – if you look closely you can see it.

      Suddenly, von day, he mitts a publisher, says hey, got a grett idea for a book. Dat's how it kem abott. Next ting, dey all vanted to get published. Metthew, Mock, Luke – Metthew also wrote cookbooks, not everybody knows dat, had a febulous recipe for brisket, you could die for.

      And Luke! Giff me a breck! Vas so dyslexic he wrote don dere vas 21 apostles ven dere vas only 12. Kept calling God dog. Vhen Satan offered him de chence to sell his soul, he said, Gled to, and den sold it to Senta. Von time I vas trying to titch him to turn de odder chick, he got it beckvards, taut I meant de odder chick!

      Mock, who to tell you de trute vas a few shingles short from a roof, never got dis von eeder. Von day he vas valking along de stritt ven a man kem opp, slepped him hod on his chick, and said, Dere, dat's for you, Seymour!

      Vhat did you do? I esked him vhen he told me abott dis.

      I leffed and leffed.

      So, instead of hitting him beck you leffed it off, I said. Good vork, Mock, I tink you ketching on.

      No, Jizzus, Mock haxplenned, "I leffed because de choke vas on him – I'm not Seymour!"

      Don't get me wrong, Mock vas a very spiritual man, grented. But, like I said, vas a few pews short of an apse. Hed an IQ so low, de odder disciples used to trip over it. Leddy, you vant to know how domb he vas? He vas so domb, vonce ve all rented a boat and vent fishing on de Sea of Galilee, fond a good spot, caught a kaboodle of fish. Eftervards, Mock made an X on the bottom of de boat so ve'd find de sem spot again! Can you beliff? And den, ven Metthew pointed ott how stupid dat vas, Mock slepped his head vit is pom and said, You right, Metty – vhat if ve don't get de sem boat!

      I'm not saying he vas domber den dirt, but he vasn't a lot smotter, eeder.

      You see vhat I minn? Don't beliff everyting you rid. Tek vit a grenn salt.

      So, dat's vhy I'm here. Vhat do you tink de whole purpose my titchings vas, anyvay? So two tousand years letter you can motch up to some prist vearing a costume, itt a teeny-veeny tiddly-vink, vash it don vit grepp juice, and

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