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    Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise
    Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise
    Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise
    Ebook109 pages1 hour

    Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise

    By Agatha Callie

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    About this ebook

    Absurd advice columnist Agatha Callie spent years on the Paradise Island of Bali where she wrote a popular satirical column. For over thirty years the island has been a magnet for expats foolishly seeking the ultimate earthly paradise. Being a recovering expat fool in Paradise herself, Agatha knows just the kind of advice these people need.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAgatha Callie
    Release dateApr 2, 2009
    ISBN9781452353654
    Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise
    Author

    Agatha Callie

    Have you ever dreamed of getting away from it all and living carefree in a tropical island paradise? Many years ago I was a terrified single mother working in New York City. My baby had been coming to the office with me but my boss’s tolerance ebbed away after she threw up on the computer keyboard. I began reluctantly interviewing prospective nanny candidates. I asked one particularly unkempt candidate – she resembled Mrs. Bates from Hitchcock’s film Psycho - if she had children of her own. Her reply was that she used to. When I inquired further and learned that all five had all burned to death in a fire something in me snapped and I made my plans to leave. My wonderful friend Magdalena had first acquainted me with images from the beautiful Bali so I went for that tropical dream; strapped a pack on my back and boarded a plane for Bali, Indonesia with my seven month old daughter hugged tightly to my chest.While I was putting this together I realized that this collection dimly reminded me of something long buried in my past. Since I’m a self-designated refugee from the Inquisition, I naturally thought of my favorite hysterical period, the Middle Ages. Then it hit me - we expats had all left our homelands in search of paradise only to end up playing, being played for or looking like fools. It’s just like that famous medieval book, Ship of Fools! Back then the story satirized a group of characters who board a ship bound for an earthly paradise. Well, this struck a chord with me and it’s clear I had been on that ship, albeit a Boeing 747, ending up in the best fool’s paradise one could wish for.

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      Book preview

      Dear Agatha, Bad Advice From Paradise - Agatha Callie

      Dear Agatha

      Bad Advice From Paradise

      By Agatha Callie

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright 2002 - 2009 Agatha Callie

      T

      his ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Prologue

      Have you ever dreamed of getting away from it all and living carefree in a tropical island paradise? Many years ago I was a terrified single mother working in New York City. My baby had been coming to the office with me but my boss’s tolerance ebbed away after she threw up on the computer keyboard. I began reluctantly interviewing prospective nanny candidates. I asked one particularly unkempt candidate – she resembled Mrs. Bates from Hitchcock’s film Psycho - if she had children of her own. Her reply was that she used to. When I inquired further and learned that all five had all burned to death in a fire something in me snapped and I made my plans to leave. My wonderful friend Magdalena had first acquainted me with images from the beautiful Bali so I went for that tropical dream; strapped a pack on my back and boarded a plane for Bali, Indonesia with my seven month old daughter hugged tightly to my chest.

      Over the years I’ve observed a few basic types that migrate to paradise and set up housekeeping. First you have the expats who have been stationed on the island as hotel general managers, chefs, diplomatic or embassy representatives, country managers for NGOs and the like. There is also a large contingent of castaways from the Hippy Trail of the ‘60’s and ‘70’s. Many of these started out as either rich kids travelling on their parents’ largesse or small-time smugglers traversing the eastern hemisphere. Then there are the types that cashed out back home and went for it, selling everything, quitting their jobs and buying a one way ticket. One of the largest groups is comprised of wounded souls running away from dysfunctional personal lives, whether a bad divorce or those who, for a myriad of reasons, are incapable of forming a romantic liaison in their home country. Finally, we have a claque of international fugitives hiding out or on the lam. It makes for an interesting social life.

      You’ll find each of these demographics fondly represented in the following compilation of my advice columns originally published in the Bali Sun newspaper. Inspiration for my column struck in late 2002 over a cold Bintang beer at the Cricket Club. I got talking to one Mick Catoni, an Irish Italian Australian, about the ridiculous exploits of the local expat population in paradise. It was firmly concluded that they all stood to benefit from a dose of my sage advice. The column was instantly popular and even inspired a couple of censorship attempts by the outraged expat burghers of paradise. The editor had to put up with demands to hand over all the editions in circulation, knock back bribery attempts and field several indignant calls to stop publishing my column. Thanks editor John Kelly for resisting the pressure!

      While I was putting this together I realized that this collection dimly reminded me of something long buried in my past. Since I’m a self-designated refugee from the Inquisition, I naturally thought of my favorite hysterical period, the Middle Ages. Then it hit me - we expats had all left our homelands in search of paradise only to end up playing, being played for or looking like fools. It’s just like that famous medieval book, Ship of Fools! Back then the story satirized a group of characters who board a ship bound for an earthly paradise. Well, this struck a chord with me and it’s clear I had been on that ship, albeit a Boeing 747, ending up in the best fool’s paradise one could wish for.

      In fact this year is the 500th anniversary of its publication in Merry Olde England. The world’s first satirical bestseller, Ship of Fools was originally written by an Alsatian guy named Sebastian Brant. The book was such a huge hit that Alexander Barclay translated it into English. Not that this tiny tome can compare to such a great work, I just figured it was a good time to get out a light reminder of how little things have changed in the last half millennium.

      As you’ll see from the letters, just like the Ship of Fools, this paradise is laden with all manner of emigrant fools, myself included. A particularly prize bunch of them wrote to me seeking counsel. I freely admit to administering mightily bad advice - that commonly being the only sort fools appreciate. I’m most proud of the balanced treatment accorded to every one, pains were taken to succor or affront evenly across the full spectrum of humanity. Likewise, all the seven deadly sins are on exhibit with most of the major follies evoked too.

      A glossary is included at the back of the book if you need to look up any of the weird words, unfamiliar expat terms or international slang.

      I thank Jacques Collot and the public domain for the great etchings of the seven deadly sins and the very talented Albrecht Durer for the cool pix of the ship of fools and Wheel of Fortune, thanks guys!

      Have a good laugh and think twice about

      h

      opping that ship to paradise!

      Ship of Fools fully laden and headed for Paradise!

      That’s me guzzling the wine!

      "They may receive their learning costless and free

      Their walls even right next to the schools’

      Nothing can they and nothing will they learn nor see,

      Therefore shall they guide our ship of fools."

      Paraphrased from Alexander Barclay AD 1509

      Bad Advice

      From

      Paradise

      Meet Agatha, intrepid survivor of various inquisitions, burnings at the stake, dunkings and drownings. Now in friendlier territory, namely Indonesia, Agatha feels her inner hag at home and empowered. She is ready to answer the unanswerable, to hear your howls or just be a bitch. She’ll guide your way through the hell-pits of life when being positive just doesn’t cut it. Read on….p.s: Agatha promises to answer any questions she feels like in this column. Sorry if she doesn’t feel like it.

      December 1, 2002

      Dear Agatha,

      I’m a 30-something male working in a large organization. The company has an utterly old-fashioned autocratic management style that most of us are not happy with. The bosses hand down decisions based on fantasy budgets that radically affect how we can do our job. Then they rake us over the coals when productivity and quality drops. They never accept our opinions on any decisions. We finally banded together to take action and overturn one of their recent incredibly bad edicts and this brings me to my problem that I really need your advice on. I’m having an affair with a much older female co-worker. She comes from the activist generation and she’s really into free love, peace, social justice and all that stuff. She gets along great with her ex, in fact too great if you ask me. She was really supportive of our cause at first, but then she talked it over with her ex and completely turned around! She even told the management what was afoot.

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